Sarah Walsh '23
Editing Editor
Following the recent Spies Justicars Reddit post announcing that professors and Law School administrators would be eligible to participate in the semester’s upcoming game of Assassins, multiple students reported seeing Dean Risa Golluboff training for the game in Spies Garden—using throwing knives.[1]Onlookers were shocked to see pictures of various Virginia Law professors and administrators pinned to trees throughout the garden, with the image of Assistant Dean for Academic Services and Registrar Jason Dugas ’01 featured most prominently. The students were also stunned by the array of throwing knives that the Dean had at her disposal, all of which had apparently been purchased using the Dean’s LexisNexis rewards points.[2]
Pictured: Dean Gobblegoff and Law School Administrators Training. Davis; "There can only be one Victor."
When gently reminded by Professor Richard Schragger that the rules of Assassins do not include throwing knives as an approved method by which someone may “kill” a target, Dean Golubov remained uncharacteristically silent. She instead reached into a large bag, slowly pulled out a picture of Professor Schragger, and stapled the picture to the nearest tree—all while maintaining full eye contact with the professor. When asked how he felt about the confrontation, Professor Schragger responded, “Honestly, the most concerning part was the fact that the picture she used was one of our wedding photos. And that my eyes had already been scratched out in it. By the way, do you guys have any good hotel recommendations? Or an open couch that I could sleep on for the next few weeks?” According to the Law Weekly’s inside sources, Professor Schragger hasn’t even signed up to participate in this semester’s Assassins game.
Upon being informed of Professor Schragger’s comments, Dean Gauluboff laughed coldly, then—with an unsettling lack of emotion—stated, “He’s not making it that long.” The Dean punctuated her statement by hurling a throwing knife that we’re fairly certain she hadn’t been holding a few moments prior into the stapled-up picture of Professor Schragger, demonstrating a deadly level of accuracy despite not even looking at the tree when completing her throw. On an unrelated note, the Justicars’ Reddit post also declared that betting on Assassins games is now completely legal, and the moneyline odds for Dean Gollyurboff are currently set at -1000.
Meanwhile, Assistant Dean for Student Affairs Sarah Davies ’91 was recently seen training for the Assassins game in what was described as a “Hunger Games-style makeshift arena” that she had set up in Purcell Garden, complete with spears, bows and arrows, and the images of every student organization leader who had ever expressed dissatisfaction with their organization’s funding.
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saw8rc@virginia.edu
[1] The students asked to remain anonymous, claiming that Dean Golubough appeared to be “scary good with those knives.”
[2] Also available on the LexisNexis rewards site are foosball tables, the Swagtron T6 Outlaw Bluetooth Hoverboard (available for the low, low price of just 34,236 points), and a shockingly powerful mini crossbow (complete with included mini bolts).