Will Palmer ‘21
Decade Reviewer At-Large
The ash has finally settled on the remains of the absolute dumpster fire that was the last decade, and I thought it might be an opportune time to lead a brief expedition down memory lane.
I should note that I deliberately avoided certain topics in this article, either because I didn’t want to make fun of them (large tragedies, important social movements, major natural disasters), because you already know so much about it that it would be boring (American politics in general, the mindless consumerism that is slowly but surely destroying our world), or because I came up with some really, really great jokes but deleted them because I don’t want to get run out of town on a rail (use your imagination).
2010:
-Snowmageddon strikes the United States, covering much of the country in snow and massive doses of nuclear radiation. The author of this article learns a valuable life lesson about taking shortcuts when he attempts to clear a foot of snow off the driveway with two gallons of gasoline and a barbeque lighter.
-The world watches with bated breath after a group of Chilean miners are trapped underground following a mine collapse; the temporarily-entombed men are rescued after 69 days (nice). The miners’ story is later turned into a moderately successful action film, Caved In, starring Mark Wahlberg as Russell Wheeler—a heroic, completely fictional American who saves the miners all by himself.
-Eyjafjallajökull (an Icelandic volcano) erupts, spreading a massive ash cloud into the skies and delaying flights.[1]
-The nation of Sweden produces its very first contribution to world culture with the release of the cartoon children’s game “Angry Birds.” PETA vows retribution on behalf of the innocent pigs portrayed as villains in the game, but gets distracted on the way to Sweden by a delightful cash-only microbrewery that just opened in the neighborhood that you absolutely have to try out.
2011:
-Pulitzer Prize-winning essayist and speaker Charlie Sheen ushers in a new phase in American performance art with his slam poem “Tiger Blood,” inspired by his formative personal experiences with intravenous drugs, adult film stars, and exotic cats.
-Occupy Wall Street, the largest mass-loitering campaign since Manifest Destiny, begins in New York City. Bankers take a moment to be briefly amused, before returning to stealing your Grandma’s 401k and spending it on high-grade cocaine.
-An earthquake strikes Virginia, disturbing residents and opening Hell-portals across the state. The Vatican dispenses a crack team of exorcists to Richmond in hopes of quelling the tide of demons sweeping the land; they are, unfortunately, killed in a botched 7-Eleven robbery almost immediately after arriving.
-Prince William (“the boring one”) weds Kate Middleton in an extravagant ceremony viewed by millions worldwide, following months of adoring coverage by the British press. The couple’s vows are briefly interrupted when the Queen takes too big a hit off of her vape pen and has a coughing fit.
2012:
-Everyone thinks the world is going to end because, if someone is a good liar, they can convincingly state that the Mayan calendar predicts an apocalypse in 2012, upon the completion of the 13th b’ak’tun (don’t ask). In an interesting twist, the world actually did end, and we are now living in an alternate reality within the mind of Quetzalcoatl, the Feathered Serpent.[2]
- Mark Zuckerberg continues his quest to learn how to be a real boy when Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion.
-Joseph Kony’s upstart 2012 presidential campaign unifies grassroots activists across the Twitter spectrum.
-The number of unsolicited adult photos received by women worldwide increases exponentially with the launch of Tinder, a social networking app for discerning professionals seeking to form nuanced, meaningful connections with people whose personalities and interests they truly care about.
-South Korean musician Psy releases his hit song “Gangnam Style,” which soars to popularity because it has a dance that white people can do without looking like idiots.
2013:
-Edward Snowden leaks details of the NSA’s electronic communications monitoring program, codenamed PRISM. The NSA’s actions are shocking to millions of Americans with poor critical thinking skills, and the revelations inspire important changes in United States policy, such as an increased interest in prosecuting Edward Snowden.
-Rob Ford, the mayor of Toronto, joins the elite “Marion Barry Club” after being caught having a good time on camera.
-The award-winning documentary Frozen opens to general acclaim. A song from the soundtrack, “Let it Go,” (Migos feat. Fat Joe & Pitbull) tops the charts and remains popular in underground music circles to this day due to its gritty lyrics regarding the cyclical nature of youth violence.
-Pope Benedict XVI becomes the first Pope to retire since the year 1415 following increasing public outrage regarding his handling of the 2011 demonic invasion of Virginia. He is replaced by Pope Francis, who momentarily distracts everyone from the game of musical chairs the Church is playing with sexual predators by saying that dogs can go to heaven.
2014:
-Russia hosts the Winter Olympics in Sochi and easily takes home the gold in the “annexing Crimea” event, primarily because there isn’t much competition from other nations.
-Bono takes a break from forging legendary sunglasses out of rare earth metals to ambush us all with a new U2 album, Songs of Innocence, which pops up in everyone’s iTunes account one morning like a surprise request for child support showing up in your mailbox.
-The 2014 World Cup occurs in Brazil. In the final, Brazil suffers its biggest loss to Germany since U-507 sank the Baependy (look it up).
2015:
-Representatives of 196 countries gather for a series of high-stakes negotiations that culminates in the signing of the Paris Climate Accord, with the goal of making the surface of the Earth uninhabitable for all but the most microscopic of life forms by the year 2050.
-Leonard Washington, of Eden Prairie, Minnesota, unintentionally becomes the first person to view Nicolas Cage’s entire filmography in one sitting after confusing his grandson’s ADHD medication for his daily vitamin supplements. When asked which of Cage’s films is best, a visibly agitated Washington replies, “all of them,” before running through a plate-glass window and disappearing into the night.[3]
DEBATE: What colors do you see? Photo courtesy quartz.com
-Families are shattered, friendships demolished, and a number of midwestern towns reduced to rubble during the debate over “The Dress,” and whether it is black and blue or white and gold. The tale of The Dress is later made into a moderately successful thriller film, American Colors, starring Mark Wahlberg.
Left Shark danced its way into the annals of 2010s history with its rousing halftime performance, only to be upstaged at the end of the decade by a Baby Shark. Photo courtesy People.com
-Katy Perry’s performance at the Super Bowl XLIX halftime show is overshadowed by the panicked flailings of a backup dancer dressed as a shark, affectionately dubbed “Left Shark” by adoring fans. Tragedy quickly strikes in the form of a Japanese fishing vessel, the Kobayashi-Maru, whose crew harpoons Left Shark on live network television and removes its fins for use as soup ingredients.
-The world of sports is rocked by two major scandals. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is accused of breaking into the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters in a firestorm of controversy dubbed “Deflategate” by the press. Across the pond, a number of international soccer officials are caught up in the investigation of the much less-excitingly-named “2015 FIFA Corruption Case.” Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA and real-life caricature of a Roger Moore Bond villain, is severely punished by being banned from all soccer-related corruption until 2022.
2016:
-Harambe, a western lowland gorilla housed at the Cincinnati Zoo, is slain by professional hitmen in an assassination plot masterminded by the Mafia—presumably as a result of his lengthy and controversial involvement with the Teamsters.
-In a rough year for animals of impressive nomenclature, both Acrocephalus yamashinae (the Pagan Reed-Warbler) and Sus bucculentus (the Indo-Chinese Warty Pig) are declared extinct.
-Perennial understudy Ryan Lochte (best known for coining the term “Jeah”) visits Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics and starts an international incident when he is arrested for public urination during the torch-lighting ceremony; Lochte later skips bail and flees to São Paulo. Unfortunately for Lochte, São Paulo is also in Brazil, and he is promptly re-apprehended.
-Longtime friend of the Law Weekly Leonardo DiCaprio wins his first Academy Award (Best Actor) for The Revenant, a musical comedy about the value of friendship in hard times. Other major wins include Brie Larson (Best Actress, for her role in Room), Ex Machina (Visual Effects), and The Hateful Eight (Most Unnecessary Racial Slurs in a Motion Picture).
-Absolutely nothing else of note happened this year.
2017:
-Hundreds of social media influencers and their video crews flock to the Bahamas for the inaugural Fyre Festival, organized by Ja Rule and hosted by the Clinton Foundation. Attendees are shocked to find that, instead of arriving at an amenity-filled fantasyland of debauchery, they have been dropped into a Battle Royale-style deathmatch being run for the twisted entertainment of a secretive cabal of billionaires. Three days later, a bloodied Bella Hadid emerges from the jungle as the ultimate victor after eliminating the only remaining competition, former Vine star Trey Robinson, with a katana sword.
-A persistent whirring sound fills classrooms across America as overmedicated children nationwide discover the fun of fidget spinners. Panic ensues when parents realize that they have unintentionally turned their little tykes into expert wielders of throwing stars and similar ninja tools.
-Former Buffalo Bills running back and Hall of Fame member Orenthal James Simpson returns to the public eye after years in seclusion. Simpson is perhaps best known for his 1968 Heisman Trophy win and still holds the record for most rushing yards per game in an NFL season. Outside of the world of sports, he is broadly recognized for his hilarious appearances in the Naked Gun film trilogy.
-Pepsi drops the hottest advertisement since Nationwide hit us with a Super Bowl ad about dead kids with a commercial featuring Kendall Jenner solving America’s social problems through the power of high fructose corn syrup. Following the ad’s lukewarm reception, Pepsi quietly shelves its plans for a Harriet Tubman-themed follow-up campaign.
2018:
-Darwin strikes from beyond the grave with the rise of the “Tide Pod Challenge.” Jeremy Keller, of Poncha Springs, Colorado, acquires detergent-based superpowers after consuming several pods in one sitting. Keller is last spotted in the UK after misinterpreting the phrase “birth of grime” and going in search of a new arch-nemesis.
-Elon Musk single-handedly saves an entire soccer team of young Thai boys in a daring cave rescue that has probably already been optioned by Disney for a miniseries.[4]
-Prince Harry (“the fun one”) weds Meghan Markle in an extravagant ceremony viewed by millions worldwide, following months of hateful coverage by the British press. Harry and Meghan later make the unprecedented decision to retire from being treated like s*** for absolutely no reason.
2019:
-The American women’s team wins the World Cup for the second time in a row (although calling this “winning” is like calling the Bible a “mildly influential text”). Literally dozens of people across the United States acquire a newfound interest in soccer as a result.
-The megahit show Game of Thrones airs its eighth and final season, which sticks the landing about as well as the Challenger mission. Pop culture enthusiasts are momentarily united in their disdain, before remembering that the Star Wars franchise exists and can be argued about for literally decades.
-Pro-democracy protests erupt in Hong Kong after the proposed extradition of Winnie the Pooh to mainland China. After initially failing to quell the demonstrations, the Chinese government unleashes their ultimate weapon, LeBron James. In a surprise television appearance, James launches into a passionate chant of “Long live the General Line! Long live the Great Leap forward!” He later begins a campaign to educate American citizens about the benefits of backyard furnaces and the insidious dangers of rats, flies, mosquitoes and sparrows.
Can’t wait to see what this next decade has in store!
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wtp7bq@virginia.edu