Phil Tonseth ‘23
Editor-in-Chief
Darty, the colloquial phrase for a day party, is the base theme for Fauxfield. To the casual observer, Fauxfield is nothing more than law students enjoying pizza, refreshments, and quality bands all day long. However, after taking a year off, Fauxfield is both the Alpha and Omega for UVA Law in the fall, establishing the line of demarcation between summer and winter. It signals the transition from a carefree first few months of class, football tailgates, and Thursday nights spent at Carter Mountain getting the perfect picture for “the ’gram,” to the impending doom of finals season for 1Ls, cuffing season for everyone else, and sweater weather. Filled with debauchery, I invite you to join along and experience the journey of Fauxfield from a 3L’s perspective.
6:03 – Alarm goes off. I already regret how this day is starting.
6:24 – Eating a Granny Smith apple, followed by blue raspberry fireworks-flavored pre-workout for breakfast, continuing my bad ideas to start the day.
6:57 – A doggo at The Gym™ let me pet him. Plus, I got some face licks. My day will only go downhill from here.
Undetermined time – I did work out during this intermission. I also took a lot of breaks, a few gym selfies, and shopped for some new Lululemon workout gear.
9:04 – Time for breakfast. Nothing says “let’s get this bread” like 2 sausage biscuits, 4 hashbrowns, and a 20 ounce tallboy of Bud Light.
10:01 – Walk in to get a haircut. The Jersey Shore bois almost knew how to do it right: Gym, T(ake time to get a haircut)an, and laundry, eventually.
10:46 – My man spent 45 minutes on my hair. It feels quaffed, fresh, and I even got a free beard trim. Crozet doesn’t know what it has coming.
11:28 – I will be late to the pregame/birthday party. I forgot to meal prep my lunch and my mirror looked too good to walk away.
12:14 – The utmost and best shoutout goes to Ariell Branson. I have never seen a pong shot go over the table, hit an uneven brick beyond the playing surface, and bounce back into the cup. I thought my day had peaked when I was licked by a doggo, but it just got better.
12:16 – I was told my crop top wasn’t short enough. I apologized to my fans; I won’t be caught slipping like that again.
1: 14 – I’ve been told there will be a balloon fort at Fauxfield. I was already excited for the endless pizza, but the surprises from this day just keep getting better.
1:15 – Reports are false. There are balloons, but solely to spell out “Fauxfield.” I expected more.
1:50 – Roni Courtney, one of the amazing organizers of the event, desperately tells the pregame to go to Crozet now. It seems as though she’s there alone; she shan’t suffer like this.
2:07 – Literally nobody else is here except four 3L boys who showed up already. I’m not sure which group suffered the bigger social faux pas here.
2:10 – Free pizza is being served. Good thing I wore my stretchy pants today.
2:48 – Nate Wunderli introduced me to his family attending Fauxfield from out of town. While his brother was cool, his sister rocked it out on stage and gave Paramore’s Hayley Williams a run for her money. Props to a talented family.
2:49 – I just swatted Nate Wunderli’s drink onto the ground, thinking I could just hit the bee on the rim instead. Good thing we got two free drink tickets, here’s my last one bud.
3:30 – I move upstairs. Too many cool kids are dancing on the balcony, and I want to join.
3:32 – The bartenders upstairs set up two pong tables. Maybe the balcony will wait.
4:45 – I had way too many pong partners to thank, but victory sure tastes sweet. Apologies to Kelli Finnegan and Craig Campbell for taking so many L’s. Better luck next time.
5:00 – I think this is when Torts Illustrated started. While I’m watching from the balcony, they have the place rocking.
No idea – I’m leaving Crozet. You’d think I’d be tired and dehydrated after starting to celebrate Fauxfield ~9 hours ago, but to another party here I go.
8:12 – I find myself playing King’s Cup, but praise the sweet soul of Chris Leveroni for bringing me a glass of water.
8:59 – Call me old, but it’s almost my bedtime. Time to summon the uber.
9:17 – My cat is giving me a disapproving look. She smells this morning’s doggo and is only offering not to claw me for double her normal treats. I’m bad at negotiating.
10:01 – Not sure how I lost 40 minutes on my phone instead of sleeping, especially when I don’t even TikTok, but it’s officially time for bed. Food for thought for next year’s advertisers of Fauxfield: by day-drinking so early, we can all still go to bed at a reasonable time.
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pjt5hm@virginia.edu