Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Satire Editor & Photographer
Merriam-Webster defines “cuffing season” as “a period of time where single people begin looking for short term partnerships to pass the colder months of the year.” These “colder months” are typically viewed as beginning in October and ending around Valentine’s Day. Suffice to say, we’re in the thick of it. And if you have yet to find your short-term love, time may be running out.
However, fear not, all ye bachelors and bachelorettes, for I am here to pave the way towards five blissful months of snuggles which slowly reveal that the two of you are decidedly incompatible. But that’s okay. I’m not here to show you how to find the one. I’m only here to show you how to find a one.
The first question you’re probably asking is “where do I even start?” Good question. First, you must decide what pool of people best suit your cuffing season needs. And I’m here, once and only once in my life, to vouch for Darden. Think about it for a second. If you’ve read my Tips for 1Ls, you may have realized that my suggestion that you date within the law school was in jest. This especially applies to cuffing season. Like Apple, cuffing season makes heavy use of planned obsolescence. And when the now-obsolete investment has emotions, friends, and a family, it may be better not to have to engage with them at every Bar Review, in the halls, and, if you’re a 1L, for the next three years. But Darden? They might as well be from the moon.
Still, you may be asking, why Darden? Why not look to the Med School or perhaps try to find a nursing student?[1] As one who is familiar with the Socratic method, let me ask you a question in response: Why look for a partner during cuffing season at all? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, there is only one real answer: to find a warm body. And what good is a warm body who is as busy or busier than you? This is the true power of Darden—their availability. Unlike other graduate students, your Darden hunny will be there for you when you leave for class, when you get back from class, after a difficult cold call, and really any time they’re not at North Grounds’ gym or “networking.”
So, you have your starting point. What’s next? You’re going to have to go it alone for a bit, as I cannot select a Darden student for you.[2] However, once you’ve made your selection, I can start giving tips again.
First: don’t be open and honest. You’re in it for the long haul. You’re waiting for a ring. You’re definitely not planning on ending things within a month of Valentine’s Day. The reason for this farce is quite simple—you need someone on call for those chilly nights in Pav,[3] and to get someone on call, you need commitment. Admittedly, some of you might have moral qualms about this—fear not. Your morals would probably be warranted if you were planning a law student’s obsolescence.[4] The morals would certainly be warranted for a med student or a nurse, people who will go on to do actual good in this world. However, the simple beauty of Darden students rears its well-groomed head once again. It is an a priori fact that we need not engage in moral reasoning in relation to our Darden compatriots.
Second: pick your shows well. We all know you’ll be watching Netflix, Hulu, HBO, whatever floats your boat, with your Darden cuddle buddy. But be sure to be selective. There’s nothing worse than being on season four of Friends with your partner when cuffing season ends, and you move on to greener pastures. Keep the shows short and sweet, so that when the fateful day rolls around, you can pull the plug on the same night as the finale of whatever show you chose. This will serve two purposes—not only are you not stuck with a half-watched, memory-filled series, but your ex-partner gets let down softer thanks to the feeling of finality and satisfaction that accompanies finishing a show.
Third, and final: don’t get attached. If you’ve listened to my advice thus far, you should be good on this front, namely because you’ll be with someone from Darden. However, this doesn’t mean you’re free and clear just yet. Those pesky little feelings of caring for someone emotionally can always crop up, whether you like it or not, and you have to be on guard.
There you have it. If you’ve read diligently and briefed this article, your chances of success this cuffing season will be astronomical. If not, good luck to you. Perhaps you’ll be the one fading into obsolescence this coming February.
[1] Don’t even mention undergrads to me. They’re off the table (and probably on an elevated surface).
[2] However, if you’re seeking individualized help, please reach out to me at jtp4bw@virginia.edu. We can always set a time to workshop your options.
[3] If you’re in Ivy, you better be making use of those fireplaces for cuffing season.
[4] Be nice to the public service people.