Will Palmer ‘21
Ousted Special Projects Editor
I learned a lot during law school. Notice that I said during, not in. This isn’t to say that I didn’t get a good legal education, just that no one would read an article recapping it. At least I hope no one would read it. That sounds boring as hell—and there are better ways to spend your time, like writing fanfiction about Jimmy Carter. So here’s a non-exhaustive list of things my brain decided to retain in the years that I was also studying here.
Practical Lessons
If you return from a trip and find that your sink has transformed into a portal to a dimension in which there are only ants, and you wish to deal with the swarms of bugs posthaste, you can utilize what I like to refer to as “Formula Three”: a concoction of Drano, vinegar, and baking soda that smells bad and looks worse but is, to say the least, extremely effective. Pour it upon the ants and smite their ruin across the breadth of your plumbing like an avenging god of household maintenance. If you find yourself cackling maniacally, just roll with it.
On the topic of housekeeping, I learned that a touch of greenery really ties a room together. I first considered getting into bonsai but didn’t want to deal with the requisite fight with Cobra Kai at the All-Valley Tournament (my skills have gotten rusty ever since I was barred from the dojo for practicing forbidden techniques).[1] After that, I tried growing a cactus, but it died of thirst (which was a downer). That’s how I ended up with my fake tree, Carlos. He’s quiet, but a good listener. And we’ve got similar tastes in film.
I learned that it’s not necessarily the best idea to engage in cryptocurrency trading while drunk. You might blunder around and break even, sure. Or you could become a billionaire. There’s literally no way anything could go wrong.[2] Still, there are better things to do while drunk, like getting into petty disagreements about what level of eroticism is appropriate in Jimmy Carter fan fiction.
It’s only half as hard to be fashionable when no one is wearing pants for a year and a half’s worth of Zoom calls. I’ve gotten really into robes, personally. The robe is a versatile garment. Not as versatile as, say, a full suit of plate mail, but still.
Interactions with Others
My ever-present partner in crime, Brutus (a conniving chinchilla from New Jersey who may or may not be the reincarnation of Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon), rode out a lot of strange times with me over the past few years. That’s saying something, given that most of his formative experiences occurred in the assorted hives of scum and villainy that served as our places of residence during undergrad. I was pleased, then, to observe the continuance of our uneasy détente, despite the need for regular travel. This may be—at least in part—a result of an increased level of nuance in our communications with one another: he chirps to tell me when he’s hungry, squawks to tell me that the food I bought him isn’t good enough, and fires a series of poison-tipped blow darts into my face to let me know when he wants to sleep. I also discovered that he enjoys Bond movies, and occasionally get the feeling that he regards me as something of a disposable henchperson along the lines of Oddjob, or Jaws.
I’ve found that discussions of pop culture go much more smoothly when the parties involved don’t insist that everyone else share their exact opinion. Relatedly, it’s generally good to avoid lecturing people about the details of a movie that you think is an essential component of the zeitgeist if they haven’t seen it. That’s how I pissed off the blind community.
Speaking of folks with bad vision, I learned that people above the age of 65 who are also my parents possess personal electromagnetic fields that short-circuit or otherwise screw up electronic devices at inopportune moments. This is a problem. Have you ever tried to explain to a baby boomer how to host a Zoom call? It’s a Kafkaesque descent into madness. My parents are great, but I do occasionally wish that they would adopt a more Amish lifestyle. You don’t need to download systems updates for a butter churn.[3]
…And Finally, Some Preachy S**t
I’ve begun to think societal problems are better thought of in terms of institutions rather than people. I don’t really have a joke for this one. I just believe it’s better to go into discussions with the objective of fixing institutional wrongs and shortcomings instead of going after individuals who we see as representative of those shortcomings. While the latter method may be helpful in the short term, I don’t think that being animated by a desire to triumph over perceived enemies—as opposed to honestly attempting to address broader, structural issues—is a recipe for long-term success. Here’s a super obvious example: the Chinese government is horrid, but that doesn’t mean the people of China are. I assume their ratio of regular folks to a**holes is the same as it is anywhere else.[4]
I also learned that being a mildly venomous cynic isn’t the best way to go through life. This may appear obvious, but to me it was a bit of a revelation. There’s a difference, I think, between being a wince-inducing “nice guy” (you know what I mean) and endeavoring to be a kind person, and I missed that for a while. That’s what I get for spending too much time on the internet (well, that and the eye strain).
Finally, these last couple of years really made me appreciate a tidbit of wisdom I picked some time ago: that even when we can’t see a good path to walk, it doesn’t mean we should stop walking.[5] New responsibilities can really knock someone (like me, for example) for a loop, and make a person second-guess themselves at every conceivable opportunity. Sometimes second-guessing can’t be helped, I suppose—but we can’t allow ourselves to be paralyzed by doubt. At the end of the day, there’s no shame in needing help every now and then, and there’s no shame in giving it, even if you’re working things out as you go.
Until next time—stay golden, Ponyboy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some fan fiction to write…
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wtp7bq@virginia.edu
[1] None of this is even remotely true.
[2] There are several ways in which this could go wrong.
[3] Does Apple or another company produce smart butter churns? They could call it an “iChurn.” It would tell you the weather and send tweets and it would sell like hotcakes.
[4] At the risk of being called out by LeBron James for talking about things I don’t understand, I’d like to say that Chairman Xi should take a long walk off a short pier.
[5] From Brian Staveley’s The Providence of Fire. If you want the page number, read it yourself. It’s a good book.