Sai Kulkarni '23
Production Editor
It’s the second edition of the year, which means it’s time to return to my unhinged writing ways. So, today’s topic is simple: How to Be a Corporate Sellout™. A very large portion of the student body is either seeking private jobs, has them, or will want them after a year in the Law School. For those of you who manage to maintain your interest in public interest or came in knowing that you would never have a firm job, you are simply built different, and I respect you immensely.[1] But, for all the rest of you, I’m sure you need a little help on your path. Selling out to a firm or a company as in-house counsel is not the easiest thing to do. Converting from a summer associate position to a full-time position is even harder—so here’s a quick guide.
First of all, you need to stay late. As late as you can. Corporate employers love when you work overtime, especially since they don’t have to compensate you extra because of how billable hours work.[2] If you have to stay late enough that you get to see the sunrise from the rooftop of your corporate cell—I mean office building—then that’s great too. Consider bringing a blanket and a pillow to take a brief under-the-table nap, then feel free to do that, too! I’m sure any partner would love to walk in at 10 a.m. and see the remnants of a long all-nighter at your desk.
Next, remember to over-caffeinate. One of the perks of working at a firm is a near-unlimited accessibility of coffee and tea. Make sure to take full advantage of that. If you don’t drink any caffeinated beverages at all, this is one good habit that you should absolutely develop in the workplace. If you only drink coffee once a day, what are you doing? Catch up to your peers.[3] It’s essential that your corporate employers know that you are putting your life and body on the line. Health and wellness are essential to good workplace performance—increasing your base heart rate will help with that.
Also keep in mind that you need to embarrass yourself at social events and in networking settings. This is key and something a lot of potential corporate employees forget to do. This can be something as small as using a picture of yourself with a friend at a party as your firm profile picture or something as big as showing off your shotgunning skills in front of partners at a sporting event. The important part is to show your personality through embarrassing, socially inappropriate acts. How else will they know that you will be a good fit? This kind of behavior at a firm is essential to getting a return offer.
Additionally, you want to make sure to get rid of any distractions you have. It’s important that you only think about your workplace at all hours of the day. Whether or not you take my advice about sleeping under your desk, you still need to always focus on your job. That means pets, children, and families are all immediately out of the realm of possibility.[4] Who needs hobbies when you can dedicate your entire life to an entity that will never fill that hole in your heart that will inevitably develop? Dating is no longer a concern, since you will never have the time to meet people outside the firm. And definitely don’t date within the firm or within your summer class; that would just mess up the firm synergy.[5]
Finally, and most importantly, you need to always say yes to assignments. All of the advice so far was about not setting boundaries because you don’t need them anymore. That’s demonstrated best with this piece of advice. You need to take on a bunch of assignments at once. If you think you have enough, you can take more. Are you only impressing one partner? Not good enough. You need to have work from every group or lead attorney within the firm. If you find yourself with any free moments, you are not maximizing your potential. When the firm or company hired you, they hired someone with youth and vigor that they could contractually work to the bone.
I hope that all my dear readers take this advice to heart. All I want is for there to be more profit-maximizing individuals entering the workplace. Unfortunately, I will not be following any of the above advice, because I want you to be better than me. So, best of luck to all the 2Ls who just got jobs and to the 1Ls who are about to start their search.
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omk6cg@virginia.edu
[1] Here you go Parker Kelly ’23, your annual Law Weekly shoutout.
[2] I don’t know how bonuses work. Do you? Please tell me. Please. I’m afraid to ask.
[3] Specifically, Morgan Graff ’23, who defies logic with her high coffee consumption.
[4] If you have them already, then you need to learn how to clone yourself. It’s an essential skill.
[5] Dating within your summer class will definitely end well and not as a Greek tragedy, I’m sure.