Will Holt ‘23
Opinions Editor
What scared you the most about entering law school? Finding a job? The workload? Making Law Review, perhaps? Well, the answer to this question naturally varies from student to student, but I am confident that (nearly) all of my readers have also worried about one particular quirk of the Socratic method from time to time—the cold call. Like thunderbolts from Hell, these aggressive and unwelcome inquiries strike every law student, especially during his or her first year. They are inevitable, but not necessarily unmitigable. Students can adhere to certain key practices to reduce the chances that they will be called upon and required to answer. These following methods work by either rendering the student employing them a less obvious target for a call or by deflecting attention away from the question, making a reply unnecessary.
1) Don’t be that guy.
Most first-year classes are large and filled with innocent, bright-eyed idealists who are eager to catch the attention of their professor and prove that they are the brightest pupils in the room. They are misled. Being a law student necessitates accepting that there is always someone smarter, someone more knowledgeable, or someone more articulate. Fighting this reality by painting a target on oneself is just bad form. By trying to catch the eye of an instructor, a student will become one of the first names that pops into that instructor’s mind when he or she thinks about lobbing a cold call. It’s simply better if professors don’t know one’s name at all.
2) Don’t seek out eye contact, but don’t avoid it, either.
It is a cliché, I know, but it is true that eyes are the windows to our souls. If a student repeatedly makes eye contact with a professor, the former’s face and seating position will become more prominent in the latter’s mind. Professors are (technically) human, and they aren’t inclined to pause class just to mull over who, exactly, is the best candidate for a surprise interrogatory. They make snap decisions that are heavily influenced by their unconscious, which itself is heavily biased on the basis of familiarity. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean anonymity is a bullet-proof defense. Professors can smell fear, and if they sense that a student is trying to avoid eye contact, their predatory instincts will kick in, and they will eventually call on him. In a way, avoiding eye contact actually attracts the attention of professors more than does seeking it out.
3) Do not bring a mouse to class.
To be clear, I am not talking about the fuzzy and adorable rodents that snakes find so tasty (I have never heard of a student who brought a pet mouse to class and was cold called as a result) but rather the kind of mouse that plugs into one’s computer. Most upperclassmen will only mention typing speed and frequency when a 1L asks them how professors identify students using their computers for non-scholastic purposes. I disagree with this conventional wisdom, at least to an extent. Professors are smart individuals and generally recognize that students have different note-taking styles. Some transcribe every word that comes from professors’ lips, whereas others only note the most critical and insightful information. A student that rarely types is not necessarily slacking off, provided that he or she looks up at least occasionally, and a student who types nonstop is not necessarily chatting with a dozen friends. A mouse, however, shows the professor exactly how a student engages with his or her computer screen. A lot of clicking indicates transitioning between many different webpages, and a lot of scrolling indicates a lot of reading—neither are good signs to a professor who has done nothing but lecture for an hour straight. Trust me. Just avoid giving off these signals entirely by sticking with a trackpad.
4) Feign a minor cardiac event.
If one’s name has been called and a particularly nasty question levied, it is natural to assume that the die is cast. But this is incorrect. As with contracts, there has to be the assent of both parties. The key is to avoid giving such assent while steering attention away from the question, so as not to hurt one’s participation grade. Put otherwise, one needs a diversion, and nothing is a better diversion than a medical emergency. Minor cardiac events tend to have fairly easy-to-feign symptoms (chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.), are presumed to be dangerous, and moreover, are hard to dismiss as fake without the administration of a number of tests. They thus are excellent at distracting a class long enough for any cold call to be forgotten entirely.
5) Feign a major cardiac event.
Sometimes, a little tightness in the chest won’t cut it. One may find himself or herself at the mercy of a particularly determined instructor who simply won’t take any excuses whatsoever. In these moments, there really is but one way out—to jump out of one’s seat, clench one’s left arm, and cry, “I’m coming, Elizabeth!”
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wjh4ew@virginia.edu