Ryan Moore '25
Historian
I’ve seen a lot in my five years as a private investigator,[1] but nothing quite like this. There was something fishy with this election, plain and simple. The numbers didn’t add up, the results didn’t make sense, and I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right. As I pored over the email, I could feel my investigator senses tingling. This wasn’t just a matter of politics. This was a matter of justice.
On April 10, law students received an email from SBA. In it, SBA detailed how they had been made aware that “the Mock Trial elections were not conducted as outlined by the Mock Trial Constitution.” The election was being “contested.” The only remedy, after mediation with the SBA Executive Board, was for SBA to conduct and oversee a new election. The new election, which closed April 12, was wholly run by SBA.
I had been hired[2] by a small group of concerned citizens,[3] people who had seen the email[4] sent out by SBA. They didn’t have the resources or the free time to investigate, and honestly, neither did I. But they had hired me to find it. It wouldn’t be easy, it wouldn’t be pretty, and it wouldn’t be a good use of my time, but it was a fight worth fighting. And I was ready to take it on.
My investigation began like all good investigations do: asking people to do the hard work for you. I fired up my laptop,[5] logged into GroupMe, and asked my section, “Does anybody know what happened with mock trial elections?” A few memes began to pile up. Photos of United Nations peacekeepers conducting “free and fair elections” in sub-Saharan Africa. Jokes about how the only entity less powerful than the United Nations was SBA. Jokes about the irony of a team of Mock Trial law students losing their case against SBA. This case was going to be harder than I thought.
I was forced to resort to an old PI trick: legalized eavesdropping. I sat in ScoCo and listened in on conversations. I hoped someone would eventually reveal to me all the juicy details of this election. The students were certainly talkative. 1Ls were putting off their oral argument prep, and the 2Ls were planning the final semester events for their clubs. As usual, the 3Ls hadn’t been seen on Grounds for weeks.
As I sat in ScoCo, drinking my overpriced iced mocha with oat milk,[6] I heard all sorts of juicy secrets. Some man named Connor Roy, presumably a UVA Law alum,[7] had ended his campaign for President. A wild bear was terrorizing the Mills Creek neighborhood. Pav was no longer locking its doors after 7 p.m. on the weekends. But over the course of my investigation, I discovered nothing about these elections.
It was only after conducting a deep investigation into my numerous unread emails that I discovered the next clue. There exists a little-known practice, detailed in some obscure writing called the “SBA Monday Mail,” which indicates that SBA officers hold weekly “public” meetings.
I put “public” in quotes because when I tried to enter the meeting room, the door wouldn’t open. “Ah, it must be a push door, not a pull door,” I thought as I tried again. Nope. The door was locked. I turned to bail on the mission when I made eye contact with half the members of SBA. One member got up and let me in. “Thanks,” I muttered as I found the only open seat in the room. As I later learned, absolutely no one goes to public SBA meetings. In fact, I think my Law Weekly editors hazed me when they suggested attending this meeting.[8]
After forty-five minutes of listening to SBA discuss updating school security policies, I realized that SBA meetings are a lot like Taco Bell: You couldn’t get me to do either sober, but both would be a lot more fun while drunk. The meeting wasn’t all bad, because it was here that I cracked the case. I finally solved the Case of the Mock Trial Election.
Basically, every Law School club has a club constitution that details the rules and procedures of that club. These constitutions are drafted when the club is founded. However, some organizations do not update their constitutions as practices change over time. All elections and decision making should be conducted in accordance with the club’s constitution. Failure to do so can lead to a rerun of the election and monitoring by SBA.
If there is anything law students should take away from The Case of the Mock Trial Election, it is the importance of keeping your club constitutions up-to-date. That, and SBA should serve Taco Bell.[9]
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tqy7zz@virginia.edu
[1] No joke, I was a licensed private investigator in Chicago and Phoenix.
[2] Given pizza.
[3] My editors at Virginia Law Weekly.
[4] Which I sent the editors.
[5] I never could solve The Case of the Phone I Lost at Barrister’s.
[6] $7.34 is ridiculous, and I can’t even bill it to the Law Weekly.
[7] Probably also in FedSoc?
[8] I will be informing Dean Davies.
[9] Seriously? No free food? The Law Weekly has pizza at every meeting.