Ethan Brown ‘25
Features Editor
Here’s a question for those of you out there who might be unfortunate enough to be dating a law student: When intimacy wanes, what book should you introduce into your relationship to spice things up? Fifty Shades of Grey? No.[1] Red, White, and Royal Blue?[2] Well, yes, actually, it’s the perfect novel, but that’s beside the point. The best book for reviving passion with your beloved is none other than the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. Why, you might ask?[3] Look no further, for today I regale you with the Top Ten Hottest Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.[4] People Magazine could never.
#10: 28 U.S.C. § 452: “Courts always open…”
This section refers to the capacity of the United States federal courts to always be open for the purposes of accepting proper papers, issuing and returning process, and making motions and orders. Just like the federal courts, maybe you and your loved one should consider always being open. Maybe the thrill of non-monogamy[5] almost matches that of being able to file a notice of appearance at any time you want?
#9: Rule 66: Receivers
This saucy rule governs receivers in estate administration, in whom is placed the responsibility for the property of others, and states that the practice of their estate administrations must accord with historical practice in the federal courts or with local rules. While Rule 66 refers to historical times, “receiver” in modern parlance is often equated with something quite a bit different—earning it a respectable ninth place finish.
#8: Rule 53: Masters
Rule 53 articulates the role of masters—lawyers whom the court may appoint to serve as neutral parties to assist the court throughout the case—and describes rules for their disqualification, appointment, and reporting procedures. Let the raw power of appointing a master in the courtroom inspire you to similar pursuits in your romantic endeavors… by appointing a neutral third party to monitor and conduct expansive reportings of your relationship.
#7: Rule 9: Pleading Special Matters
Rule 9 walks litigants through pleading procedures for special matters, ranging from allegations of fraud or mistake to asserting admiralty or maritime claims. But what is the most special matter that we hold nearest and dearest to our hearts? Love. So, when you and your partner hit a rough patch, feel inspired by Rule 9, and remember to plead that love to them.
#6: Rule 4: Summons and Service
For anyone who’s ever taken the Love Languages test, you should know that “acts of service” are a common way to validate and comfort your partner. And clearly, Rule 4(c)’s taken the Love Languages test too, because it spends a whopping five (!) pages describing how service can be effectively performed; how it can be waived; against whom it can be performed; and time restrictions on its performance. It’s basically like the FRCP wrote a little manual on how to woo your partner with this bad boy.
#5: Rule 24(a): Intervention of Right
Rule 24(a) describes the expectation that the court permit any party to intervene who is (1) given an unconditional right to intervene by a federal statute or (2) claims an interest relating to the property or transaction that is the subject of the action which might be impaired by an inability to represent that interest. Let this rule be a wake-up call to you and your partner: There aren’t any interveners of right in your relationship. It’s just the two of you. No one will come and bail you out if things break down. Let that serve as an impetus—nay, a spark bursting into fire—to revive your love.
#4: Rule 36: Requests for Admission
This rule pertains to a party’s ability to request that another party admit to the truth of any matters within the scope of discovery relating to the facts of the case—or the genuineness of described documents—for purposes of the pending actions. It doesn’t look romantic at first, but I challenge you to look deeper. What is a relationship if not a request for admission into one’s heart?
#3: Rule 17: Plaintiff and Defendant; Capacity; Public Officers
I’ll admit it’s another sleeper hit, but Rule 17(a) describes the expectation that actions be prosecuted only in the name of the real party in interest, with exceptions for executors, administrators, bailees, and the like. But when I think, “real party in interest,” that’s not what I think—I imagine glamor, intrigue, titillation. Calling someone hot? Boring, been done before. Calling someone a “real party in interest”? Bold, exquisite, exotic.
#2: Rule 56: Summary Judgment
I’m not even going to explain this one because we all took Civ Pro and hopefully know what summary judgment is, but come on. There’s something powerful about the lack of a genuine dispute as to any material fact in the record, a reality so overpowering that the court simply can’t let a litigant move forward to trial. When something is that powerful and advocacy performed so zealously, it’s hard not to feel stirred, earning the classic Rule 56 a respectable second place on the charts.
And finally…
#1: Rule 19: Required Joinder of Parties
The rule that inspired this ridiculous article to begin with… ah, Rule 19. There’s so much to be said about you. Is it that “joinder” kind of reminded me of handcuffs? Or that it made me think about the institution of marriage, bringing two parties together to serve together as co-litigants?[6] I’m not exactly sure, but despite merely discussing when persons must be added as parties to an action, this rule has something special: It’s spicy, it’s intimate, it’s cheeky. And it’s my first-place winner as the Hottest Federal Rule of Civil Procedure.
Thanks all, for having to bear witness to this true horror. Godspeed, and I hope you enjoyed the Civ Pro review session. I’ll anticipate your Venmo payments for my tutoring services shortly.
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bwj2cw@virginia.edu
[1] I haven’t read it, nor have I seen the film, but ew. Gives me the ick.
[2] IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS BOOK YET, LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND AND START NOW. IT ISN’T TOO LATE.
[3] Honestly, you should be asking this, because these are the musings of a stressed 1L on a healthy amount of fever medication.
[4] I hope this article serves as my own personal love letter to Civil Procedure as I close out my first year, because it—without competition—was my favorite class of 1L.
[5] See also Rule 14, Third-Party Practice.
[6] Sooooo romantic.