Andrew Allard '25
Executive Editor
If you took the initiative to enjoy the summer blockbuster experience that was Barbie, then you are no doubt wise beyond your years and will excel during this semester at law school and beyond. But, if you are like me, you may have nonetheless left the theater feeling bitter and disheartened. To see the Barbieland Supreme Court and to know just how far we are from that utopian tribunal was almost too much to bear. Could I return to the study of law with the burden of the patriarchy crushing me like a ConLaw textbook?
If this was weighing on me, I thought, then it was no doubt a daunting concern for the incoming class of 1Ls. Thankfully, as you will quickly learn, your 2L and 3L classmates are fountains of knowledge and advice. And the Law Weekly, among its many prestigious functions, serves as an archive for the very best of that advice. Think of it as a sort of Library of Alexandria for surviving three years at UVA Law.
Sadly, freeing you of your Barbie-induced yearning for a better world is beyond the earthly powers of even our most talented writers. Here, unlike in Barbieland, speaking truth to power is not a surefire way to save your friends and overthrow Kendom. But much like in Barbieland, the Kens of our world tend to make themselves known. So, without further ado, I give you your most important toolkit for surviving law school: How to identify Professor Ken.[1]
Pictured: Portrait of James E. Coleman, Jr. '51 (aka 'Horse Guy").
Photo Credit: Andrew Allard '25
#1: Your professor always cold calls you at the worst possible moment.
Ah, cold calls. A 1L’s greatest fear. Well, at least for the first week or so. After a few lectures, the eerie veil that shrouds cold calls in mystery tends to fade away. But even a seasoned law student can get caught off guard by an awkwardly timed cold call. This is a favorite of Professor Ken, who, much like Beach Ken, has horrible timing. Right when you’re daydreaming of important things, like your nightly dance party plans, that’s when you’ll get asked about poor Mrs. Palsgraf. This Ken trait is especially dangerous, so be on the lookout. Its known side effects include cellulite and irrepressible thoughts of death.
#2: Your professor has a weird obsession with horses.
“This can’t possibly be a real problem,” you say, your face contorting with fear. And you would be wrong. The Law School is home to horse racing fans, riders, and even that one weird portrait of some guy with a horse.[2] Here in Albemarle County alone, there are nearly 2,000 horses,[3] not to mention that Virginia ranks thirteenth among the states for its horse population.[4] So look out for the one Contracts professor that won’t stop talking about Bascom’s Folly. Probably a Ken.
#3: Your professor drives a Hummer or similar vehicle.
Okay, this one may be a bit of a cheap shot. Sorry to any Barbie Hummer drivers out there. But, we’ve got to look out for ourselves, and driving a Hummer just happens to have a high prevalence among Kens. So, if you’re crossing Massie Road on your way to class and nearly get decked by a Hummer, that’s probably Professor Ken on his way back to his Mojo Dojo Casa House. Go figure.
#4: Your professor walks into class on flat feet.
This one is tricky because it could mean that your professor is a Ken or a distressed Barbie—or if you’re really lucky, Weird Barbie. Nonetheless, you should be on the lookout for flat feet. Thinking your professor might be a Ken? Flat feet are a good way to confirm. Confident that your professor is a Barbie? Flat feet are a good indicator that you should get to know them better. They have clearly weathered some storms to get here and are likely to be a humbling source of wisdom.
#5: Your professor brags about their guitar skills.
If your professor keeps talking about his pick collection, or even worse, actually brings a guitar to the Law School, then that is your sign to run. You should probably pull the fire alarm or something. Flaunting one’s guitar skills shows some seriously dangerous levels of Ken-ergy. If you’re worried that come exam season this professor will want to push you around—well, they will.
So that’s it. Now you know how to find Professor Ken. Now if only someone could figure out how toavoid Professor Ken. Then of course, in Barbieland, there are no Professor Kens, so maybe the best first step is a trip to Venice Beach. Make sure to bring your rollerblades.
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tya2us@virginia.edu
[1] Do not be mistaken: This is **not** a reference to Professor Abraham.
[2] My sources tell me that “horse guy” is none other than James E. Coleman, Jr. ’51. His portrait is located in Brown 126.
[3] U.S. Dep’t of Agric., 2017 Census of Agriculture: Albemarle County Profile (2017).
[4] Data Paddock, https://datapaddock.com/ (last visited Aug. 10, 2023).