Jamie Newton '27
Staff Editor
Dressing up for Halloween isn’t enough—you must succumb to the true intrinsic likeness of whom or what you are impersonating. Since there’s not enough of a display of elitism in law school, for Halloween this year, I present my best, albeit subpar, impression of your local cinephile. I’ve donned my beret—a glass of white wine in one hand and a hand rolled cigarette in the other—prepared to tell you about how the modern movie industry’s addiction to clickbait is killing the art of real horror filmmaking.[1] What follows is a senseless, uneducated ranking of horror movies that Google and IMDb articles tell me are “cult classics,” presumably meaning most were made before 1980, and when mentioned, you feel obliged to pretend you’ve watched them even though you have a Gen-Z distaste for anything in black-and-white.
#8: The Amityville Horror (1979)
A classic haunted house horror set in a seemingly idyllic suburban home, the film follows George Lutz as his sanity slowly unravels by way of supernatural forces. Monster House (2006) has nothing on this all-time favorite. The film relies on repetitive and familiar horror tropes, so while some may say it’s “nothing special,” I’ll die on the hill that it offers some unidentifiable, yet unique, perspectives of the evil beneath the normal.
#7: American Psycho (2000)[2]
A first-rate satirical dissection of capitalist excess and masculine vanity. Following the chilling, polished psychopath, Patrick Bateman, the film’s sterile aesthetic and dark humor embodies the emptiness and insecurity of 1980s Wall Street yuppie culture. Identity, privilege, violence—what is American consumerism and material excess without it?[3]
#6: The Shining (1980)[4]
Jack Torrance slowly descends into madness amidst the background of a menacing, confusing labyrinth of time and memory. Camera close-ups, an unnerving soundtrack, and a commanding use of silence evoke the uncanny. What is this film really about? What does the end really mean? Who knows… that’s what makes this classic Kubrick movie give us film snobs a real hard-on. Does it absolutely butcher one of Stephen King’s greatest novels? Sure, but since I’m a “the movie was better than the book” purist, does it really matter?
#5: Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
Ah, Roman Polanski, a hero to film fanatics (and not at all a horrible dude and literal fugitive). Satanism, Catholicism, sinister conspiracy, and a supposed portrayal of women's liberation—what more could you want from one of the greatest horror films of all time? Following Polanski’s masterclass in slow-burn paranoia, the film’s denouement sticks the final nail in the coffin (Halloween pun intended), transforming motherhood into a grotesque, existential nightmare (spoiler alert: Rosemary’s baby is the Antichrist).[5]
#4: The Silence of the Lambs (1991)[6]
The iconic, terrifying Hannibal Lector with his eerie calm and faintly veiled predatory intellect transforms what would be a classic crime procedural into a cerebral horror masterpiece. It’s another skillful genre fusion of psychological thriller and horror. As your local, amateur cinephile who probably went to film school for half a semester, I’ll disregard the film’s evisceration of any possible feminist agenda and implicit association of negative qualities with the LGBTQ+ community. Allowing any valid criticism of a cult classic would be deeply counter to my infallible opinions on film.
#3: Psycho (1960)
The most significant accomplishment of Alfred Hitchcock, the “Master of Suspense.” This masterful blend of film noir and psychological horror subverts genre conventions and shatters audience expectations. Norman Bates welcomes Marion Crane to his family’s dilapidated Bates Motel, and the suspense ensues! Think: the infamous shower stabbing scene. (Apparently Norman Bates is meant to embody some sort of Freudian ego tension, but as the classic weirdo with mommy issues and a perverse resentment of the female sex, he would likely be labeled an “incel” nowadays.)
#2: The Birds (1963)[7]
Wow—another Hitchcock masterpiece, and another genre hybrid that makes filmmaking history! From a semiotic perspective, Hitchcock utilizes a hodgepodge of various filmic codes, such as lighting, color, and manipulation of time, to instill a lifelong fear of birds in his audience. It’s a bleak, existential horror that tells the story of nature’s malevolence. Avian assaults? (“The Birds. They just BIRDED a man to death!”)[8] A slow-burn? Count me in.[9]
#1: Cat People (1942)
It’s only right that I pick the nichest, weirdest film to top the list and call it “underrated.” Women and cats: the most terrifying beings to defy the patriarchy. A newlywed’s sanity devolves as she becomes convinced that she’s descended from an ancient “Cat People” tribe who, when things get a bit too steamy, suddenly have the power to metamorphose into black panthers. The film’s noir and moody atmosphere reminds us that special effects are only the malediction of modern horror filmmaking, tainting film’s ability to reflect the true fears of our society. It’s not just a strange monster movie—it’s a precedent-making, highbrow exploration of sexual repression. Rejecting the status quo and the interests of contemporary audiences? There’s a lesson to be learned there…
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jmn5jgk@virginia.edu
[1] If I am impersonating you, a local cinephile or film snob who toils under the weight of their enormous ego, feel free to let me know my opinions are, in fact, wrong. No matter what, I will continue to think Coraline and Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory are the epitome of the horror genre.
[2] I have actually seen this movie, so criticism of my review is unwelcome.
[3] Thank you to fellow cinephile, Himani Gubbi ’27, for your suggestion of this film.
[4] Maybe I’m not as uncultured as I thought, because I’ve seen this too. So, once again, criticism of my fake criticism is NOT welcome.
[5] Thank you to fellow cinephile, Rachel Greenbaum ’27, for your suggestion of this film.
[6] Watched this, too! Back off, critics.
[7] For convenience’s sake, let’s just put the two Alfred Hitchcock films I could name off the top of my head side-by-side.
[8] Saturday Night Live’s sketch, “Cinema Classics: The Birds,” with Kate McKinnon and John Mulaney, which happens to be my sole insight into this film.
[9] Thank you to fellow cinephile, Katharine Sowers ’27, for your suggestion of this film.