Hot Bench: Chance Maginness ’22

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Chance Maginness ‘22

Hi Chance, welcome to the Hot Bench! Please tell us a little about yourself. Where are you from? 

I’m from a small town in Kansas called Westmoreland, but I went to the University of Kansas in Lawrence, so sometimes I feel like I’m more from there. 

How many people live in Westmoreland? 

Oh god, I would say less than 500. It’s tiny. 

What else can you tell us about this tiny town?

Back in the 18th century, there was a law that whoever held the county records held the county seat. So a group of people from Westmoreland snuck out in the dead of night and stole the records from Wamego and drove them back in a covered wagon. Westmoreland has been the county seat ever since, and it was the most interesting thing to happen to the town...until I got there, of course.

How did you learn that? 

It’s a town story that’s been passed down. I feel like I googled it once. 

When did you start thinking about law school? 

When I was in high school. I did a lot of debate and forensics. Other schools might call it something else, but forensics covered speeches, acting, and extemporaneous speaking, which is when you have thirty minutes to prepare a speech on a current events topic. I read a lot to keep up with the news, and once you become informed you can’t be uninformed anymore. Plus, I wanted to have an impact. It was going to be either law school or art school. 

Are you an artist? 

No. That’s what’s really ironic about it. At the time, though, I thought I could be. 

Let’s say law school does work out, what then? 

At some point in time I want to move back into politics. I was a field organizer for the Democrats in Nevada during the 2018 cycle. I really liked organizing and I would go back—assuming that the republic still exists. If I stick with the law, I would probably like to move into academia at some point, probably in some field related to constitutional law.

Why constitutional law? 

I really like the theory of it. I really enjoy the idea that it’s a written document that we can read so much into. Yuval Noah Harari talked about it in his book, Sapiens. He talks about how the law and everything we believe in are collective myths that we agree to. I think the Constitution really embodies that and I like the nuance and challenge of interpreting it. 

Are you looking forward to Con Law next semester? 

I’m so excited. 

What else do you do around the Law School? 

Well, all I have time for right now is reading, more reading, and additional reading on the side. I’m involved in Law Dems, LAMBDA, SBA, and FYC. When law school settles down a little, I’d like to watch a movie now and then. Maybe rewatch an episode of Scream Queens. Eat. Breathe. 

Why did you run for First Year Council?

I didn’t run, they just sort of told me I would do it. I had done student government before though, so I felt up to the task. At KU, I ran for Freshman Senate, and when I got it, I kept going. I had this idea that I wanted to be Student Body President, but at a certain point, it stopped being about that goal. I realized we had the opportunity to make an impact in everyone’s lives. It became about doing what public service is ultimately about—doing public good. I grew up a lot in college, in that regard. 

Why run for 1L Senator? 

Well, I ran for Senator and FYC President. I’m a big believer that if you’re in an elected position, you should do all you can do. I have a pretty expansive background in student government—at my undergrad, I was in charge of allocating over twenty-one million dollars to various student services, groups, and clubs.  

As a 1L Senator, what are your plans? 

Community is very important to me. People should feel that they can rely on one another and I want to make sure everything we do is geared towards involving the 1Ls as much as possible. 

Let’s do a lightning round! 

Favorite food? 

Stir-fry. 

Favorite place in Charlottesville? 

Shenandoah Joe on Preston. 

Anti-Stress Hobby? 

Watching reruns of American Horror Story. 

Pet peeve?

Inefficiency.

Favorite word? 

****. 

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Estes Park, Colorado, because I love it. The mountains are so beautiful and it never gets above 70 degrees in the summer. If I had all the money in the world, I would open a bookstore in Estes Park and never have a concern in the world. 

What is your least favorite sound?

The sound of people popping their joints. I once broke my ankle and it made the same sound. I can’t hear people pop their joints without getting a twinge. 

Where’s a place you’ve never been, but would like to go?

Probably anywhere in Asia. I’ve been to a lot of places in Europe and traveled a lot of the United States. Thailand. I’ll say that. 

What do you like to do for fun? 

I like to go to the movies. I used to go 2-3 times a week. I also like watching TV to think about the production of it and I critique it in real time. People hate watching TV with me. 

What’s one movie that left an impression on you?

Heathers, I also love the musical. 

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

I would probably open my own media company that would be a progressive answer to Fox News. If I won a lot of money, I would use it to produce movies. 

You win enough money to produce one movie. What’s your movie about? 

It’s about a student government election that takes over two days. And it’s about three people vying for the student body presidency, and it’d be based on my own experiences about how truly vicious that can become.  

Working title? 

“Student Government,” but that feels really basic. Maybe, “SBP” for Student Body President. Genuinely unsure. That’s a post-production problem.

If you could pick one song to play in the background of your life, what would it be?

Proud Mary by Tina Turner & Ike. Tina always goes first.  

If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be?

I would require everyone to have a three-day driving-course from me, in which I instruct them on how to put their foot down on the gas and go. “Efficiency and Driving with Chance Maginness.” 

What’s your favorite thing about the Law School?

The availability of cold brew every day and getting to say hi to Mandy. I literally survive on cold brew. It runs through my blood. I come to ScoCo every morning without fail. Sometimes I come back mid-day. 

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clm7hk@virginia.edu

Hoos Pets are These? Pt. II

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Taylor Elicegui ‘20
Features Editor

            Last week, I began my deep-dive investigation into why my peers generally seemed so happy and found the reason: Pets. There were so many wonderful furry friends to be profiled that the article had to be split into two parts. This week, I got to put the finishing touches on this article while my new kitten, Lucy, ran around my room like a crazed monster.[1] I’ve had Lucy for a little less than a week, but I can now officially confirm my hypothesis was correct. My life is immeasurably more fun with the addition of a three-pound little fluff ball. I don’t even mind cleaning the cat-box. For anyone contemplating joining the ranks of pet ownership and who’s ready for the financial and time commitment, read up for some advice from the experts and hit up the CASPCA.[2]

Ellie Riegel and Stevie

Stevie wonders why nobody will throw the ball for him.

            Ellie Riegel got her puppy, Stevie, on Thursday, September 5. According to Ellie, “I had been hoping to get a dog for over a year, but when I met Stevie I knew I had to adopt him! He has an adorable personality and loves to play. We hit it off the first day I went to look at dogs at the SPCA.” Since getting Stevie, Ellie’s schedule now revolves around him, but she enjoys it. Ellie has to get up early with him, take him for walks and trips to the park, and, of course, nap time. Ellie particularly enjoys the puppy cuddles and seeing Stevie happy and comfortable in his new home after having a tough start to life. Stevie loves to play with his toys, particularly his Kong, which Ellie fills with peanut butter. Stevie also really likes his bones, which he hides in the couch cushions for safekeeping. Ellie advises anyone who’s contemplating getting a dog to go to SPCA, because they have a lot of wonderful dogs in need of good homes.

Lydia Parker and Harvey

Harvey may not have mastered ‘fetch’ yet, but he has this up-dog thing down.

            Lydia got her puppy, Harvey, on August 16. Lydia wanted a dog for a long time, and “figured 3L was a good time to raise a puppy because my schedule isn’t too demanding.” Puppies like Harvey require a lot of time and training, since his current favorite activities include biting, gnawing, and chewing. Since getting Harvey, Lydia has loved meeting new people everywhere she goes. She said, “I love how Harvey brings so much joy to everyone around me.”[3] As part of her new dog-mom lifestyle, Lydia has had to rearrange her schedule. She told me, “I can't spend my days in the library and at the gym like I did 1L and 2L. This is really good for me! Harvey forces me to appreciate the present moment and connect with my community instead of constantly working towards my individualistic goals.” For anyone contemplating getting a puppy, Lydia said, “Make sure it's a well thought out decision. You have to be willing to sacrifice a lot of time, flexibility, and money in exchange for unconditional love. For me, it's 100% worth it!”

Eleanor Schmalzl and Maysie

Maysie, likewise, takes a break from terrorizing toes to pose for the camera.

            Eleanor got her cat, Maysie, during fall 2018. Maysie was born in Eleanor’s aunt’s basement when a stray cat came in through the window and had kittens. Eleanor’s family found homes for the kittens when they were old enough and had received the appropriate vet care. Eleanor loves “waking up to her snuggles! She is so sweet at night and in the morning and it is so nice to have a purring kitten on your chest every morning.” Maysie likes to attack feet and play fetch with hair ties, which Eleanor appreciates as a good way to tire Maysie out. Eleanor said she does feel bad about not being home more, because it’s hard to stay out late knowing you have a little critter waiting for you to come back. Eleanor had some advice for anyone contemplating getting a pet soon: “Don't get a big dog if you're going to live in a tiny apartment in a big city. If you do/already have, become a morning person and a runner to give them some exercise. But really, just get a cool cat––they sleep a lot and don't require half the attention, but are perfect company at the end of a long day.”

Will Tucker and Maple

Maple is purely sweeter than syrup.

            Will got his dog, Maple, between OGI and the start of fall classes last year. According to Will, “I was lucky that the rescue I got her from let me wait until between OGI and the start of classes, because I could get her up to speed on Bluebooking, basic FRCP principles, and Westlaw terms and connectors before things got busy. She's been an ideal research assistant ever since.” Will decided going into 2L was the ideal time to get a dog. He had wanted one for a while and finally had enough predictability as to his living situation and schedule to add a four-legged roommate. Since getting Maple, Will’s favorite thing about her is “her unrestrained joy. Maple gives me a reminder every day to appreciate simple things and not let this or that external stress get me down for too long. It's one of the best parts of my life having an endlessly enthusiastic running buddy, morning meal companion, and friend who is (presumably) neuro/physiologically incapable of talking about law school. She makes me happy every day, no matter what.” Maple likes making new friends, “be they canine, feline, human, bird, gopher, butterfly, tree branch moving slightly in the wind, or otherwise. Specifically, she's a big fan of climbing onto the back of the couch when you sit there and licking your ears and kinda generally crawling onto your shoulders until she's as close as possible to your face.” Will advised anyone thinking about getting a pet to “consider all of the factors very seriously—it can be a huge amount of work added to your life. It's especially important that you time things well. For example, if you know you want to get a puppy, get her at a time when you'll be able to be vigilant about housetraining and be okay with losing a little sleep here and there (sorry Bev, thanks again, pal). And remember that traveling with a pet can be VERY difficult! Plan ahead for that too. But so long as you're taking the pragmatic side of things into account, do what will make you and your potential pet happy! Maple is excited to meet you both!”

Lena Welch and Draco

Draco Meow-foy does what he does best: sleeps.

            Lena got Draco in August, 2014, right before her senior year of college. Lena said, “I love cats. My friend’s mom is a vet and was volunteering in a shelter when a cat had a litter. She took in the litter to find homes for the kittens. My friend knew I was interested in getting a kitten, and so Draco came into my life.” According to Lena, cats are pretty easy to take care of, but she definitely has more scratches than before she got Draco. Lena likes to snuggle with Draco and bump her forehead against his. Draco also likes to meow until Lena or her mom gives him treats. Lena says that getting a pet has reduced her stress, because she loves him.

Brooke and Christopher Swann and Lucy and Loki

Loki takes a low-key break from the stresses of cat life.

            Brooke and Christopher, Brooke’s husband, have two pets, dog Lucy (a miniature dachshund) and cat Loki, who they got last year. Brooke’s favorite thing about having pets “is that no matter what happens during the day, they're always going to love me and be happy to see me when I get home. They're the best company for late night reading, and they're the best listeners when it comes to life chats.” Lucy likes to hide her treats around the apartment for later while Loki likes to sit in the window and creep on people until he falls asleep. Brooke advises those contemplating getting a pet to “be prepared for planning your days and life around them! They're such blessings, but they're also a lot of responsibility. I can't just stay gone all day or drop everything and leave town for the weekend. With that being said, I wouldn't trade them for anything! Also, your new furry friend may be free to adopt, but vet visits are never free and neither is all of the gear you'll need to get before bringing them home.”

Brooke, we asked for a picture of your dog Lucy, not food.

Matt Simpson and Lacrosse

Lacrosse, a serious working man, doesn’t have time for your “pets” nonsense.

Matt got Lacrosse, his guide dog, during his sophomore year of college about ten years ago. Matt applied to a guide dog school in California. The process was lengthy—it required interviews, mobility assessments, and assessments of Matt’s living environment. After being accepted, Matt went to two weeks of training with Lacrosse. Matt’s favorite thing about Lacrosse is the way he makes his life easier, because he’s a conscientious guide dog. When not working, Lacrosse likes to sleep (as anyone who’s ever been in class with Lacrosse can attest), chew on bones, and lounge in the sun. Matt thinks that Lacrosse particularly likes law school, because class gives him plenty of time to sleep. Matt advises those considering getting a pet to think carefully about the responsibility and time commitment—not all pets get to take their owners to class.

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tke3ge@virginia.edu

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[1] If you want to see pictures of her looking like a dragon or adorable model kitten, hit me up.

[2] They have a ton of cute animals who just arrived from St. Croix. If you’re interested in fostering or adopting, visit the CASPCA today!

[3] Lydia was kind enough to let me play with Harvey as part of my very serious pet investigation, and I can confirm he’s the cutest, fluffiest Golden Retriever I’ve met in years.

Club Spotlight: Virginia Law First-Generation Professionals

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Nicola Pidala ‘21
Guest Writer

A group of us founded Virginia Law First-Generation Professionals (VLFGP) in April 2019 to facilitate the transition and integration of first-generation professional students into Virginia Law and the legal profession through mentorship, career advising, academic support, social activities, and more. In forming the organization, our intention was to build a community of first-generation students at the Law School to provide support to one another and other resources that we believe would have benefited us during our first year. Many students who identify as first-generation professionals lack access to some of the class-based privileges of our peers, which can feel like a glass ceiling for advancement in the legal profession. Through programming aimed at addressing such economic and educational barriers, we hope to make the profession a more inclusive space for students of diverse backgrounds and let first-generation students know that they are welcome and supported in an environment that may not seem designed for them.

Our organization welcomes students from a variety of backgrounds, including students who grew up in working-class or low-income communities, students who are first-generation Americans, and students who are first in their family to attend high school, college, or graduate school. We recognize that the issues first generational-professionals face are not solely limited to these groups and encourage those who may not identify with these groups to engage in the organization to broaden the concept of diversity on Grounds and address barriers to entry that persist in the profession.

This upcoming year, we are interested in hosting a mix of formal and informal events for our members and the broader Law School community. For First-Generation Student Day on November 8, we plan to have an event to celebrate the success of our members and first-generation professionals in the legal field. We also hope to organize events with faculty and staff at the Law School, career development offices, law firms, and other student organizations to connect our members with different resources and opportunities at Virginia Law. Lastly, our mentorship chairs—Erin and Josh—have been developing our mentorship program to connect 1Ls with 2Ls and 3Ls. Through this program, we hope to provide a forum to discuss various topics, including financial considerations associated with law school and career opportunities, balancing academics with competing professional and personal demands, what “Big Law” and “business casual” mean, and what electives to take Spring 1L. Additionally, we hope to provide community and mentorship to first-generation students.

For anyone interested in getting involved, please reach out to the co-presidents, Nicole (and Jenny, at either ncp6yn@virginia.edu or hke5ek@virginia.edu.

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ncp6yn@virginia.edu

On the Road in the Post-Apocalypse: A Problematic Journey (Part I)

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Will Palmer ‘21
Apocalypse Enthusiast

            So, there we were, out of gas and low on water, sitting on the hood of the Jeep and munching on looted Slim Jims, when the Blue Checks found us. My traveling companion, Dennis, saw them first, picking out their advancing bikes from the asphalt mirage’s scorched liquid haze.  He took a thoughtful bite of mechanically-separated chicken and pointed. “Might have an issue.”

            I wiped the ‘Jim grease off my hands and grabbed the binoculars. The advancing bikers, pedaling insistently toward us on their fixed-gears, came into focus. “Yeah…that’s an issue, alright. Us driving with fossil fuel and eating processed meat products? We’d be tarred, feathered, and run out of town on a rail if these guys didn’t find all three of those things extremely problematic.”

            Dennis shrugged and took another bite of his ‘Jim. “Seems like everyone’s got beef these days. What can ya do.” It wasn’t a question.

            “I’m not really concerned with changing their beliefs. I just want to get out of here with my rear end un-roasted,” I shot back, not particularly kindly.

            “Well, it was either die of thirst by the side of the road, or get snatched by the Blue Checks and hopefully get some water out of the deal, so we can’t complain that much.”

            “You’re forgetting what’s behind door number three,” I replied.

            “The Bridge Trolls? I’m not forgetting them. I just prefer to not think of their existence. Say what you will about eating granola, at least the Blue Checks don’t spend their free time hammering out poorly-written manifestos that no one will ever read.”

            I raised an eyebrow. “Woah. Look at you, getting all woke. Maybe we’re not screwed after all.” I gestured towards the approaching Blue Checks, now close enough to count without binoculars.

            Dennis hopped down from the hood. “It’s not that I’m particularly woke, my man.” He punctuated his sentence by hocking spit onto the cracked asphalt, “I’m just not an asshole.”

            “Well,” I mused, looking towards the sustainably-clad bikers racing towards us, “let’s hope they think so too.”

            The Blue Checks pulled up in a cloud of dust, popped out their kickstands, and observed us for a moment. The closest of them, a tall, skeletal specimen, stepped away from their bike and ambled towards us, face unreadable under a dirty plastic Guy Fawkes mask (made in China). Fawkes stopped a few paces away and spoke in a toneless voice.

            “You come here uninvited. Judgment is required.” They gestured to the other riders, who approached hesitantly. Fawkes addressed them with what might have been annoyance. “Do not fear them, comrades,” Fawkes said as he kicked the empty package of ‘Jims. “These two roamers feast upon vile sundries. They cannot withstand the might of our camaraderie!”

            “Uh—hey,” Dennis interjected, “You can just put the bags on and take us to your place; we’ve done the whole abducted-by-marauders thing before.”

            An hour or so later, Dennis and I had the obligatory kidnap-sacks yanked off our heads and found ourselves seated on wicker chairs in front of a wooden stage fronted by an intricately-wrought podium. Our hands remained bound by knotty hempen rope—I briefly wondered whether it was free trade—but we were relatively unconstrained otherwise. Fawkes stood behind us, watchful eyes glinting out from under the mask. Murmuring Blue Checks stood in rows all around.

            A third prisoner, a short, rotund man who was sweating furiously and trying to shout through a pair of socks stuffed in his mouth, was seated to my left.

            I turned and addressed him quietly, “Hey, buddy, the shouting won’t help. You know what’s going on, right? The whole big daily judgment show?”

            Socks quieted down and looked at me questioningly. “I guess not,” I continued. “Just try not to say anything problematic.”

            A hush fell over the crowd as an ominous figure stalked out of the darkness of the stage to the podium. Fawkes piped up from behind me, “Hail the Chief of Equals!”

            “Hail!” parroted the serried ranks of Blue Checks.

            The Chief of Equals, crowned with an immense, interlocking stack of antlers bedecked in dreamcatchers and “Coexist” stickers, raised her hands for quiet.  The strands of “healing crystals” wrapped around her wrists clacked together in the fresh silence.

            “Comrades of the Blue Check! We gather today to judge and punish those we find problematic.” The self-righteousness evident in her tone had me nervously thinking over my old social media profiles, even though they were all lost to the ether in the Crash. The electric ghosts of bad jokes have a way of haunting you, after all.  I shook my head and turned my attention back to the proceeding at hand.

            “Ye that are not verified shall be judged,” the Chief of Equals was barking. “And ye that are deemed problematic—yea, thou shalt be brought to the roast.” She stepped down from the platform and paced before us for a moment before turning abruptly, a rictus of a grin smeared onto her face. “Now,” she began, in a tone that notified all of us that this was definitely a trap, “What do you think of…Colin Kaepernick?” She looked to Dennis first.

            “Uh. He’s got pretty decent stats…I think?” The Chief of Equals harrumphed and turned to me.

            “He’s fine. I got no beef- er, problems.” My questioner glowered slightly at my faux pas and leaned closer. I could smell the expired Kombucha on her breath.

            Socks, having had the footwear removed from his mouth, chimed in from my left, “I personally can’t stand the guy. Just un-American, if you ask me. Shameful.”

            I turned to look at him, jaw fully dropped. “Bruh,” I said. “Kinda problematic.”

            The Chief of Equals delivered a firm backhand to my face. “Watch the gendered language, roamer.” She stepped back to the podium and lifted her arms to the flock before her. “And yea, the aggressor reveals himself! Bring out the roaster!”

            At the Chief of Equals’ order, two robed Blue Check acolytes rolled an iron cage onto the stage and opened the door. Inside were yesterday’s charred human remains. Socks’s eyes widened. He asked, to no one in particular, “What did that guy do? Not a Kap fan either?” The robed officiants turned to him.

            “Who knows?” said the left.

            “Who cares?” said the right.

            “That was yesterday,” finished the left.

            They dragged Socks into the cage and rolled it offstage. The congregated Blue Checks followed, leaving Dennis and I alone with Fawkes and the Chief of Equals.

            Fawkes gestured to one of the departing attendants. “Bring the Macropods.”

            “Big-foots?” I asked Dennis under my breath.

             “I think big-feet is the preferred nomenclature,” he shot back.

            The Chief of Equals, hearing us, turned with a grin both malevolent and delighted.

            “Our Bailiffs. The guardians of this righteous court and the executors of the justice herein set forth. You might know them by a crasser name: Kangaroos.”

            Fawkes turned to the four lumbering, misshapen figures—robed, cowled, and masked in the baroque livery of their byzantine order—which had just entered my peripheral vision, and gestured at us with a head tilt that conveyed unadulterated, ecstatic glee.

            The Macropods were shrouded to the point of unrecognizability. I found myself wondering, as two of them seized each of my biceps with inhuman strength, whether they were in fact the marsupials their title proclaimed. The one grasping my right arm turned the hooded darkness which served as its face to receive the command of its master.

            The Chief of Equals, with that same undisguised rapture that had been on display throughout the whole of this strange proceeding, pointed at me and Dennis, and pronounced our sentence: “To the soy mines with them!”

To be continued…

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wtp7bq@virginia.edu

Hot Bench: Amanda Marie Brock

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Amanda Marie Brock

Hi Mandy! Welcome to Hot Bench! For all our readers who might not know, Mandy is our local superstar in Scott Commons who gives us that life-sustaining substance—coffee. Mandy, can you tell us a little about yourself? 

My name is Amanda, and I’m 38 years old.  I’ve been working at UVA Law for fifteen years, and I have two beautiful children. I love my job, and I love my coworkers. I like to play basketball and I love collecting stamps. 

How did you get the nickname Mandy? 

My cousin named me Amanda for her favorite soap opera. I think my Dad first started calling me Mandy when I was a kid, and it just went from there. I like Mandy. 

What kind of stamps do you collect? 

Like the older Black History stamps—those especially. 

In the fifteen years that you’ve worked here, what are some changes that you’ve seen come to Scott Commons? 

The food. That’s about the only thing. We used to be Grill Works, Montague Deli, and Bene Pizza. Now, we’re just Great Harvest Cafe. We used to have hot foods like hamburger steak, pork chops, fried chicken (a Thursday special), and chicken parmesan—we had so much stuff. 

If there’s one thing you could change about the cafeteria, what would you change? 

The food, to be honest. The stuff we have is good, but there aren’t as many options as before. We used to have more hot dishes and vegetarian options. Now, it’s four sandwiches at the deli and four sandwiches at the grill. 

What is your favorite thing that you guys serve? 

The most popular thing is the Yard Bird Salad and the Cubano from the grill. 

I heard that you won an award recently. Please share details! 

Okay! I got chosen, I don’t know how, but I got chosen. I think someone recommended me and wrote a letter, but I don’t know who. The award is the highest honor that Aramark gives to their employees. Aramark is a company based out of Philadelphia. Their goal is to enrich and nourish lives through innovative services in food. Out of 27,000 employees, they picked me and another person. I get to go to Arizona for a week on Aramark’s dime. I’m getting picked up in a limo from my house to the airport, and then I get pampered for a week in Arizona. 

I see, I thought this was a university award, but Aramark is our dining contractor. What is it that Aramark provides? 

Aramark provides the dining services, and then there’s another vendor who provides the food. 

Let’s do a lightning round! 

Favorite food? 

Fried chicken, I could eat it to death.

Favorite place in Charlottesville? 

Jefferson-Madison Regional Library—I love to read. 

What do you like to read? 

I like mysteries. 

Anti-Stress Hobby?

Reading while taking a bath. 

Pet peeve? 

I think cats. They’re creepy to me. They’re like humans almost. 

Favorite word? 

Boo—I like to call people boo. 

What’s your spirit animal? 

A lion.  

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? 

I would want to live in Africa if I could. I want to go there one day. 

Where did you grow up? 

Right here in Charlottesville, VA. 

Can you tell us about your adorable kids?=

I have a seventeen-year-old. Her name is Emoni. She’s a senior at Charlottesville High School. She is a very outgoing child. If you met her, you would fall in love with her. She wants to be a Certified Nurse Assistant—she always wants to help others. That’s what I love about her. And I have my son, his name is Jeremiah. He’s fourteen and all he knows is basketball. Basketball is life for him; he can tell you anything you want to know about basketball. I think he wants to be a superstar one day. He’s shy, but he’s a good kid. He just started high school. 

Are your kids basketball fans? 

Oh yes, my son is for Kentucky and my daughter likes Duke. I like UVA. 

Do you play basketball? 

Yes, it’s my favorite sport. When I have free time, that’s what I do with my son. 

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it? 

I would give half to charity and then I would take care of my parents, my siblings, and, of course, my kids. I wouldn’t quit my job. They say money doesn’t last forever, so I won’t quit. 

If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be? 

Everyone to be nice to one another. 

What’s your favorite thing about the Law School?

The students, faculty, and atmosphere. Everyone is so nice and pleasant to me. There is a good energy in this building that I can feel from my box. I love everyone I encounter at my counter! 

What would you like to tell all the students? 

I want to tell all the students, thank you for everything that you do. Thank you for always being so nice and pleasant to me when you come to my counter. Stay positive! Don’t let school stress you out. :) 

___
amandabrock81@gmail.com

Hoos Pets are These? Pt. I

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Taylor Elicegui ‘20
Features Editor

              Recently, I’ve noticed a trend among my peers. Everyone looks a little brighter, a little happier. Is it the relief of being a 3L? The joy of being back in Charlottesville, surrounded by beautiful, lovely law students? Or the happiness of not having to put on a suit to go to work anymore? While all of these factors may contribute, I have a different theory: the rise of the 3L pet. Many pet-obsessed law students take advantage of the easier workload in 3L getting a furry friend. 3L is considered the perfect time, since students have less schoolwork (or at least, have a better idea of how to do their schoolwork) but also don’t have to deal with the demands of the workplace yet.

              With that theory in mind, I wanted to spread this joy across the school, and also distract myself while I wait until Friday to go pick up my own 3L pet (the most adorable little kitten I’ve ever seen). I spoke to several peers about their furry friends (and one particularly hardworking good boy) and collected some advice for those contemplating getting their own 3L, 2L, or even 1L pet. There are so many cute furry friends to be featured that this article is part one of at least a two-part series. If you have a furry friend to be featured, please send me an email: tke3ge@virginia.edu.

Brand New 3L Pets

Abbey Thornhill and Sully

              Abbey got Sully, her mini goldendoodle puppy, last Friday, September 6. According to Abbey, “I've always wanted a dog. Last winter I decided that it was sort of now or never—if I was going to get a dog in the next few years, it should be while I was still in school so I could have the flexibility to come home and hang with the pup during the day between classes. So, I decided it was time to get myself on the waiting list with the hope of the puppy coming home 3L fall!” Since getting Sully, Abbey hasn’t really slept much or done any reading, but she’s hoping life with Sully will get easier as he gets older. Puppies are definitely a lot of work, so that’s something to keep in mind if you’re contemplating following the pet trend. Thus far, Sully’s favorite thing to do is play with leaves. For more Sully content, follow him on Instagram: @sullytheminidood727.

Jackson Myers and Argo

              Jackson and Maddie Roth, Jackson’s girlfriend and a graduate student at UVA’s Batten School of Public Policy, adopted Argo from the Augusta Regional SPCA on August 9. Jackson said, “I grew up with dogs at home and Maddie had always loved them from afar; our Instagram feeds are both predominantly dog accounts. We knew we wanted a dog, and decided that there would never be a better time to get a puppy than this August, when we both had about three weeks before classes began in order to get the puppy acclimated to us and to start doing training.” Jackson also got Argo as a way to encourage himself to care about schoolwork less and give himself a new organizing principle. Jackson said, “Playing with, cuddling with, or even just looking at Argo is like an automatic happiness injection—she is just the cutest, sweetest dog, and every moment I spend with her is better than that moment would have been without her.” For anyone contemplating getting a pet, Jackson said, “Getting a dog (since I can’t opine on cats or any other kind of pet) can add a ton to your life, but it’s also a lot and has to be taken very seriously. That said, 3L is a great time to get a dog, because for most people a lot of the academic pressure is off (so a furry distraction is fine/welcome) but you also still have a flexible schedule so you can be with the dog as much as possible.”

Law School Pets

Sarah Iacomini, Onyx the Adventure Cat and Norbert the Wolf Dragon

              Sarah adopted Onyx the Adventure Cat just before starting law school. Norbert the Wolf Dragon joined their cat family in August. Sarah decided to get her cats for companionship and to support her local animal shelters in Florida. According to Sarah, “Onyx loves watching squirrels visit the bird feeder at Sarah’s house and Norbert delights in playing with a piece of packaging paper that came from a shipping box.” Since becoming a cat owner, Sarah loves the stress-relieving snuggles provided by her cats. The biggest difference from pre-pet life, Sarah says, is the way the cats have taken over her photos, videos and conversations. Sarah advises anyone contemplating getting a pet in law school to support their local animal shelters by adopting from there. For more Onyx and Norbert pictures, follow them on Instagram: @onyx_the_adventure_cat & @norbert_the_wolf_dragon.

Ben and Grace Bevilacqua and Baker[1]

              Ben and Grace got Baker, a standard poodle, during 2L—the day after their Sooners defeated the Mountaineers (November 24, 2018). Ben and Grace had wanted a dog within the next five years, and decided 2L was the best time to do it. They love Baker’s frivolity and curiosity. Ben noted that Baker is particularly good at playing fetch, which is her favorite hobby (particularly in the woods). Ben advised anyone contemplating getting a pet to plan ahead and get the pet sooner rather than later, so they can be trained by next summer. If you want to follow Baker, check out her IG: @baker.the.standard. 

Pre-Law School Pets

Jenny Lewis and Millie

              Jenny got Millie, a one-hundred-pound Newfoundland/Great Pyrenees, right after college graduation. Jenny always wanted a dog, but her dad was allergic. So, when Jenny realized she wasn’t going to live at home anymore, Jenny “made my puppy dreams come true after 22 years of non-dog life.” Jenny loves never coming home to an empty house, particularly because Millie is so excited to see her when she gets home. Jenny said, “It’s her favorite part of the day (except breakfast.  And dinner.  And any other time food is available.” Life with a pet requires more planning ahead so you can take care of them, and it’s more expensive—but way more fun. For anyone contemplating getting a dog, Jenny advises, “It’s hard, but you can do it!  Get some good friends to be available to pet sit.”

___
tke3ge@virginia.edu

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[1] Congratulations to the newlyweds!  Grace and Ben, both 3Ls, got married over the summer.

Court of Petty Appeals: Mellark v. Everdeen

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Mellark et. al v. Everdeen
323 U.Va 105 (2019)

Elicegui, J., delivered the opinion of the Court, in which Shmazzle, C.J., Ranzini, Luk, and Schmid, JJ. join. Calamaro, J., filed a dissenting opinion. Justice Elicegui delivered the opinion of the Court.

I

At the beginning of every year, the normally polite, well-mannered, collegial students of UVA Law channel their inner Hunger Games fighters and chaos ensues as the barbarians fight to get the best seats. The Administration’s statute, U.Va. G. St. § 17-839, describes the School’s seat policy as: “We let students pick their own seats.” Given the lack of guidance and ambiguity in the statute, this Court will restore order by interpreting the statute against the backdrop of UVA’s general rules of collegiality and the common-law understanding of adverse possession. Property rights do not attach to a particular seat until a seating chart is filled out or students become accustomed to the seat over the course of at least three weeks.

II

On September 2, 2019, Peeta Mellark arrived for his 1:00 p.m. Corporations class in SL 289.  Mellark discovered that a group of three—Clove, Cato, and Glimmer—had taken Mellark’s seat from last class. Since there was not yet a seating chart, Mellark was content to move back a few rows. Mellark picked out a seat and began settling in. 

Five minutes later, Mellark had settled in and was enjoying his morning coffee. All of a sudden, an arrow whizzed past Mellark’s ear. Mellark jumped clear out of his seat, which ended up being a good thing, because another arrow whizzed underneath him. Mellark looked around, confused and frightened, and caught a glimpse of Katniss Everdeen’s camo-clad figure.

Suddenly, Everdeen dropped down on Mellark’s desk from the ceiling.  “What?!” Mellark loudly exclaimed. “Excuse me, this is my seat,” Everdeen hissed.

“Oh, well there’s not a seating chart yet, and other people were in my seat, which is totally cool. But that means I needed to move,” Mellark explained.

“I don’t think you understand,” Everdeen said, her voice getting more menacing. “This is MY seat.” Frightened and wanting to avoid confrontation, Mellark got up and moved, giving Everdeen the seat she claimed as her own.

After class, Mellark drafted a complaint and filed suit against Everdeen in the Court of Petty Problems. Mellark alleged unlawful conversion of property and emotional distress from Everdeen’s aggression. At trial, Judge Marlyse Vieira found that Everdeen correctly protected her property from Mellark’s attempted unlawful conversion and Everdeen did not engage in unlawful conversion because she had a vested property right in the seat. Judge Vieira also dismissed the emotional distress claim, citing 1L Gunners v. Everyone Else, 324 U.Va. 22, 24 (2019) (“[E]motional distress is a harm within the risk of attending law school.”).

Mellark appeals Judge Vieira’s ruling on the property question, but does not appeal the emotional distress decision, as it is clearly right as a matter of law under petty precedent.

III

With all statutory analysis questions, this Court begins with the text of the statute. However, U.Va. G. St. § 17-839 does not provide much insight. “We let students pick their own seats” does not account for a seating chart, which locks students into particular seats and prohibits moving after a certain point in the semester. As current and former professors, the drafters of U.Va. G. St. § 17-839 clearly knew about seating charts and intended for the rule to co-exist with them. Therefore, “We let students pick their own seats” cannot exclusively mean what it says.

This Court must look outside the face of the statute into the larger cultural context of UVA Law. As demonstrated by the existence of a seating chart, property rights clearly must attach to a student’s chosen seat at some point. To co-exist with the Law School’s policy and the fact that the School, in fact, owns every seat in the school, students gain property rights in the form of a semester-estate through adverse possession. Adverse possession requires open and notorious use that is contrary to the owner’s interests in the seat. This Court holds that possession cannot be open until a seating chart is filled out. At that point, property rights attach to the student and the student has a cognizable claim should someone else invade the property right. The school has notice that the student has claimed the seat, satisfying the open use requirement. The possession is also notorious because the school loses the right to put prospective 0Ls or visiting guests in that seat for the remainder of the semester.

In situations where a seating chart is not yet in place, or for courses where the professor does not use a seating chart, the regular rules of UVA Law student conduct govern. Therefore, students are expected to behave in a civil manner. The Hunger Games ends now.  No more shooting arrows. If you want a particular seat, get yourself to class early and claim the seat. If a student arrives early enough to claim the seat they want, they get it. If you aren’t happy with your seat from last class, get there early next class. And, if someone takes a seat you do not yet own, suck it up and find a different seat. Don’t hate the player—hate the game.  After a reasonable period of time, consistent occupation establishes adverse possession even without a seating chart.

J. Calamaro, dissenting.

              My colleague writes of the interaction between Mellark and Everdeen[1] through the lens of a social “faux pas.” Yet she forgets that, throughout the history of law school, the greatest minds have always been the ones that commit these social “mistakes” every day. Have not the most successful, greatest law students also been the friendless, and socially awkward? Is this even social awkwardness so much as social Darwinism, whereby the strong may take the seats of the weak? Fighting for seats is a time-honored tradition, the game of kings and peasants alike, and should be the main tool by which we choose our seats throughout the semester.[2]

I propose that we cast aside these “castes” of seating charts which have long been a tool for professors to gain even more control over the lives of the plebeians. Instead, we must remember that law school is about intimidation and strength, and that if someone comes in with a knitted wool vest over a button-down shirt, he is clearly the smartest and most accomplished student and must be allowed to take whichever seat suits him. So it was with our ancestors, so it must be now. It is our human nature to fight, be it with clubs and pitchforks, or with passive-aggressive looks at the person who is sitting where we feel that we ought to. We must therefore be allowed to duke it out in whatever manner is necessary to achieve seating tranquility. The time for “seating socialism”™ is long gone—the time for seating altercations, be they verbal or just angry mutters under breaths, is here.

The majority should be prepared to reckon with the grave consequences of their actions today. Law students are people who throw off the bonds of social structure, who decide to cut in line because life is theirs for the taking, who go to class sick because herd immunity be damned.[3] We deserve to prove our worth to our families not just in the field of finals, or the field of softball, but also in the field of seating arrangements. Only by knowing who is the best at sitting will the black holes that are our hearts be filled with self-esteem and meaning.

___
tke3ge@virginia.edu
dac6jk@virginia.edu

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[1] The law school equivalent of Jane and John Doe

[2] See:  Henry VIII, duck duck goose

[3] RIP cabin crew and norovirus.

Tweedledee: To Binge or Not to Binge

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Lena Welch ‘20
New Media Editor

When Netflix started releasing the Great British Bake-Off[1] an episode at a time, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I don’t have to be happy about it.

Binge-watching is among the things I do best in the world. I truly excel. I watched season three of Stranger Things three times (plus a re-watch of seasons one and two) in the time it took my friend to watch just the third season.[2] Essentially, I have a specific type of willpower that doesn’t allow me to prevent myself from watching television but does allow me to consume a massive amount in a single sitting. 

Which brings me to GBBO. This show is my life force. It appeals to me on multiple levels. The easiest level to identify is as a baker. I live for the flavor combinations and methods. Since watching, I have tried my hand at genoise cakes, laminated pastries, breads, and choux pastries—to varying degrees of success, of course.[3]

Lena has an agonizing week-long wait to see a new episode. Photo credit Mark Bourdillon.

The show also appeals to me as a human being. The only other show that taps into my humanity in the same way is MasterChef Junior.[4] GBBO demonstrates some of the best parts of people—helping others even in the face of competition, creativity when following tradition is the easy way out, and quick-thinking problem-solving when things don’t go to plan.

Finally, it appeals to me as a law student with a sometimes unbelievable amount of stress. I turn to GBBO during these highly stressful times of my life, and I let the British summer, beautiful bakes, and soulful tone of Selasi’s voice wash over me. I fired it up the other day in response to my fellowship-application-clinic-case-start-of-school stress, and saw a notification that new episodes were coming. EPISODES. 

Well, I woke up at 3 a.m. last Friday to discover only one episode available and a new episode to come in each of the next nine weeks.[5] The outrage! What is this? Television?

Now, you may be saying, “Lena, I thought you were watching in response to stress.” And you’re right. For that reason, this is the best thing to happen to me. New bakers, new challenges, expanding the universe that I love, and in measured doses that better fit with school’s current demands on my time. But consuming the new season in one sitting and compromising other areas of my life was my mistake to make, Netflix! 

Michael Schmid ‘21
Production Editor

I may be in my twenties, but in many ways I feel adrift from the trends of my generation. I’m not on social media. I am currently reading an autobiography of Art Garfunkel.[6] The last movie I watched starred Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn.[7] So, it might make sense to readers that I’ve never understood the appeal of bingeing a new show.

Lest you gain the impression that I am a complete contrarian, I would just like to state that I do, in fact, love many features of streaming services. Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon Prime are near-ubiquitous fixtures in my apartment. How else can I watch the same episodes of the shows I’ve watched since high school over and over and over?[8] Being able to watch the same episode of The Office for the millionth time is a security blanket of unparalleled comfort. I enjoy streaming services so much that I constantly forget my apartment complex provides cable.[9] But for all of the positives of Netflix, releasing an entire season all at once isn’t one of them.

Watching newly released content is much more enjoyable when it is released incrementally. The first reason is my own impatience. It already takes forever to wait for a new season even when you don’t binge watch, but you have to wait even longer if you do. The second reason has to do with another shortcoming of mine—there is just no way I can focus on that many episodes in a short amount of time. Most likely, I’ll just fall asleep. So[10]—perhaps multiple times—and the Internet abounds with spoilers and hot takes. All this happens, most likely, before I even knew the new season was released.[11] Those who binged the new season have to avoid giving spoilers to their more methodical comrades who have not seen as many episodes. That means we all lose, both bingers and non-bingers alike.

The closest I came to bingeing an entire season was season three of Santa Clarita Diet. I blew through it at record pace[12] only to find that the much-awaited season four would never come to pass after Netflix unceremoniously cancelled the show.[13] The lesson I learned from that situation is clear: bingeing only leads to sadness.

___
lw8vd@virginia.edu
ms3ru@virginia.edu

[1] Also known as the Great British Baking Show to Americans, but I prefer to call it by its proper acronym (GBBO).

[2] A quick shout-out to my best friend who does not want me to reveal his identity but who recently watched Stranger Things. I had been feeling guilty for letting him go so long without watching it, so I am quite pleased that he is now a fan.

[3] As frequent recipients of their goodies, the Law Weekly staff is eternally grateful.

[4] If you’re not watching this show, you are making a mistake.

[5] The release corresponds with the release in the U.K., which is another reason why this is one of the best things to happen to me, but again, not happy. I’m a horrible, disgusting, spoiled, instant-gratification-seeking garbage person, and I want my show now!

[6] What Is It All but Luminous?, Knopf (2017).

[7] Charade (1963), directed by Stanley Donen.

[8] An episode of Psych that I’ve seen a million times is playing in the background as I write.

[9] But it’s standard def basic cable, so really what’s the point?

[11] See above: I don’t have social media.

[12] It was probably like one week, but… it’s all relative.

[13] Don’t even get me started on that decision…

Hot Bench: Jordin Dickerson '20

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Jordin Dickerson ‘20

What are you most excited about being back?

Being back so I can finish, and seeing all of my friends.

Do you have any 3Lol goals?

To finish the Monticello Wine Trail.

What is your favorite word?  

Sassafrass.

Where did you grow up? 

Fayetteville, North Carolina.

Oh, so how has Hurricane Dorian been impacting you?

I went to undergrad a county over from my hometown and they’ve had classes cancelled. Where I’m from is a poorer county and is more rural so it floods easily. I’m more nervous for my undergrad because of how rural it is and how easily it floods, so I hope people are okay and don’t get trapped without a way to leave.

What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?

Definitely when I was in Italy. Homemade pasta with pesto in an amazing restaurant. It was sooo good.

If you could meet one celebrity, who would it be and why?

Leonardo DeCaprio, because he’s beautiful and cares about climate change.

What’s your favorite hobby to avoid the stress of law school? 

Netflix.

What show?

It’s between The Office and Parks and Rec, but I pick one to watch all the way through and then switch to the other one.

What did you think about the Game of Thrones ending?

Terrible. Very disappointing. They should’ve just ended it at the Battle of Winterfell.

Where is your favorite place to vacation?

The beach, generally. As long as there’s water and a place to lay down, and a beverage (alcoholic?) I’m happy.

What’s something you wish you’d known about law school before coming to UVA Law?

I had no lawyers in my family, so I really feel like I didn’t know anything. I wish I knew first year would be the hardest academically speaking.

Have the other years been harder in different ways?

I’m much busier now, but class is much easier, so it’s a balance.

Would you have done anything differently if you knew what you wished you’d knew?

I wouldn’t have taken four exams second semester and now have a strong policy to not take more than two exams in any one semester.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

An iced coffee.

What’s your most interesting two-truths- and-a- lie?

1.     There is a 17 year age gap between one of my siblings and I.

2.     I’ve never seen Star Wars.

3.     I lived in Italy for two years.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Italy, because I love pasta, pizza, and wine. Plus, in the afternoon, everything closes for a nap. What more could you want?

What’s your least favorite sound? 

Whining, whether it’s a kid or an adult. I hate whining.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

My first bike when I was seven for Christmas.

Who gave it to you?

My mom and stepdad at the time. They did a scavenger hunt for it, and my sister and I found matching bikes on the back porch.

Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC?

*NSYNC, hands down. No question.

What is the best concert you have ever been to?

J Cole, in Fayetteville, at the end of his 2014 Forest Hills Drive album. That was the address where he lived in Fayetteville. He brought Drake and Jay-Z along, it was awesome.

What’s your favorite thing to do in Charlottesville?

Go to Brazos!

If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be?

To acknowledge and be thankful for what you have.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

I’d open a pro bono legal office and practice there.

Peter Dragna: Wow, really? I hope you never win

Jordin: Okay I’d pay off my student debt and go on vacation too. But I’d still want to work, I didn’t do all this schooling to not do something with it.

If you had Matrix-like learning, what would you learn?

Foreign languages. Ideally all of them.

If you could be in the Olympics, which sport would you compete in?

Race walking. It is the funniest thing, the rules are so strict and it’s awesome to watch.

Where is a place you haven’t been but want to travel to?

Peru. I’ve never been to South America and want to see Machu Picchu.

What are you looking forward to after you graduate?

I guess actually practicing. I like being in court, which I knew after this summer, and you don’t really get to do that in law school.

What are you going to miss most about law school?

I’m going to miss talking with my friends at the ScoCo table. And glaring at people who take it without understanding that it’s OUR table.

___
jad8cb@virginia.edu

Letter to the Editor: 9-4-19

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Michael Berdan ‘22

This week, I attended the Federalist Society’s speaking engagement, Originalism 101. My attendance was motivated less by ideological affinity than by curiosity, desire to understand those with whom I disagree, and love of free Chick-fil-A. As my friends and I stood in line to pick up our food, we noticed that the more delicious spicy chicken sandwiches were disappearing much more quickly than were the original sandwiches.

In that moment, a fellow attendee advanced past us to the front of the line, went behind the food service table, and took two sandwiches—including one of the three or four Spicy sandwiches remaining. As he grabbed his food, he slyly grinned and shrugged at the line from behind the table, as if to say, “Why not use both sides of the table?” No one followed his lead.

Now, lest you think I carved time out of my dense 1L schedule to write a Seinfeldian letter about nothing, I want to get to my point. I have trouble believing that this fellow’s true motive was to share a more efficient means of distributing the food. If it were, he would have suggested his forking-line method to those in front, then returned to his position in the line. His intention was to unfairly obtain what he wanted, while “sheltering” himself under a plausible—though transparent—justification.

This type of rhetorical sheltering is often observed in politics and where politics meets law. Though I adore the late Justice Antonin Scalia as a writer (two of his books sit on the shelf in front of me as I write this), I often lamented that his ardent originalism just happened to always convene his conservative religious social aims. Many of his acolytes, in my experience, quickly hold up strict constitutional originalism to dodge questions about the social and ethical consequences of their policy goals. I question whether originalism is leading them to their conclusions or propping up a position already held.

The left is guilty of “shielding” as well. We liberals frequently shirk nuanced discussion of thorny issues like immigration, abortion, and tax policy by aggressively claiming the moral high ground and labeling any flexibility in policy a compromise in morality. Such virtue signaling accomplishes little in an ideologically diverse democracy and is likely to lead to a very disappointing result in 2020.

We can engage better with others, but only if we first engage better with ourselves. Law school is the best place to learn to hold ourselves intellectually and ideologically accountable. Surrounded by intimidatingly smart peers, we can listen and respond with vulnerability, particularly to those with whom we disagree. We can interrogate that defensive instinct within ourselves that tells us we might not be thinking, speaking, or acting sincerely. We can lay bare our true motives and do the hard work of changing them for the better—even if it means someone else ends up with that last spicy chicken sandwich.

___
mwb4pk@virginia.edu

Court of Petty Appeals: Lee v. The Law School

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Lee et al. v. The Law School (2019)

Chief Justice Shmazzle delivered the opinion of the Court.

Today, the Court must address a problem we’d prefer to pretend doesn’t exist like we do the other 364 days of the year: tuition. A class of plaintiffs comprising the entire student body[1] of the law school alleges that, having procrastinated until the last possible day to pay tuition,[2] it noticed a shocking and heretofore unknown increase in tuition. Aggrieved and contemplating a thinner budget of $7 beer and dumplings that taste good only when you’re drunk, the class filed suit alleging that the tuition increase constitutes a taking by the administration and, alternatively, that it violated the North Grounds Procedure Act because of the egregious lack of notice provided to students.  

FACTS

UVA Law students dispersed across the country this summer to pursue summer work in the form of government internships, law-firm jobs, public-interest endeavors, research, and more. All[3] worked their butts off, trying to impress potential future employers and recommenders, and planned for the upcoming school year to come. As the Summer Solstice passed and the days began to grow shorter, paychecks[4] tapered off, and emails from the school filled our inboxes, students (their parents, Freddie Mac, and Fannie Mae) were faced with the most dreaded part of any semester––paying tuition. And as students logged on to pay the exorbitant fee, this Court started receiving complaints from students about the increase in tuition that no one thought we’d be interested in knowing about in advance (and, if such notice was provided, no one on this Court caught it in our inboxes). Complaints included claims of detrimental reliance on prior terms of cost of attendance, use of force/duress in springing these costs on students so late as to make it impossible to transfer or otherwise order their budgets to prepare for this additional cost, and lots of F-bombs. Eventually, the class settled on the claims here, seeking restitution in the form of additional Thursday kegs for the money that was taken unexpectedly or an explanation regarding why tuition increased and what the money will be going toward.[5]

ANALYSIS

The lower court, in granting respondent’s motion for summary judgment on the grounds that its notice-less tuition increase was a valid exercise of its power, gave several justifications. First, the lower court held that the amount of the increase was not a taking because it was, in the grand scheme of things, “not that much money.” The lower court even claimed this was petty cash compared to what these students will ultimately make in their legal careers.. But we’re going to give a big old “WRONG” to that. This might seem like petty cash to whoever implemented this change, who paid like three grand a year to go to law school in 1953, but this is no petty sum for students. This money could buy students 650 drinks at Bilt (even more if it’s bar review), 300 large Christian pizzas with extra toppings, all their law school books during all three years of law school, and most importantly, a new puppy. Do respondents find a puppy small and insignificant? Do y’all hate animals? Because that’s what I’m getting from that ruling, and that’s garbage. This Petty Court will not allow rulings that support animal cruelty, and for that reason this Court finds the lower court’s argument to be without merit.

Second, the lower court found that there was adequate notice under the North Grounds Procedure Act for students to discover this increased tuition cost. Citing Pennoyer v. Neff and Mullane v. Central Hanover Bank & Trust Co.[JV1] , the lower court thought it was really smart and rational in finding that students had enough time to ask for increased loans and cancel post-2L law firm trips around the world. But the lower court forgets that this Court doesn’t follow such precedents––they’re far too confusing and the writers use too many big words. Instead, we follow our own case law. A long series of prior cases indicates that students should win when the administration doesn’t send at least four emails alerting them to a change in policy or required course of action. See, e.g., Students Registering for Classes v. Dugas, 876 U.Va. 110 (2016) (finding that one email about course selection isn’t enough and ordering damages to all rising 3Ls who had missed the course lottery; no one can seriously expect those burnouts to remember something after just one email); 1Ls v. Career Services, 667 U.Va. 1 (2012) (enjoining Career Services to send important dates out in several emails instead of expecting stressed-out, crazed 1Ls to actually read emails start-to-finish. The 1Ls are smarter than any law-firm-partner-turned-career-advisor up there, obvi, and don’t have time to worry too much about job advice from the sass-monster).[6] The case before us here is worse than even those examples––at least the losers in those cases sent ONE email. Here, the Court can find no evidence that respondents sent any.[7] Logging into SIS three weeks before classes start to pay tuition and discovering this change is not enough time to re-budget and re-plan for costs to come. That’s not notice and no court should pretend otherwise.

Lastly, the lower court judge found that, even if respondents ought to have to explained their actions or given notice, failing to do so was harmless because the people making these decisions are “very busy” and the extra money will “go toward things that benefit the students.” But judge, I have to ask[JV2] ––have you seen the truncated remains of Jeffries Garden? And the lack of potato chips in the snack room?! This Court hasn’t seen any new benefits to students,[8] and we all know that if you can’t see something then it must not be there. Because respondent has not supplied any justification (at least none that the court can find) for such increased costs or what the funds will go toward, we cannot agree that the error in failing to provide notice was harmless.

There’s also a chance the class of plaintiffs has sued the wrong defendants. The Court has heard rumor that there’s some sort of “Board of Guests” that sits somewhere called “the Rotundity” or something like that that makes decisions about tuition. Until we get confirming evidence of these (frankly ridiculous sounding) entities, we’re just going to blame the Law School in our tantrum.

Finding none of the lower court arguments for respondent persuasive, this Court turns to petitioners’ argument that this change was not “fair,” “cool,” or “dope” at all. Further, this court considers petitioners’ suggestion that some explanation of what the increased funds are being used for is in order. And this court considers the petitioners’ request for an apology for forcing a cost on students so late and without any actual notice. Since this Court hasn’t heard a word from respondent, it has to assume the money was taken to inflict undue hardship on petitioners without Due Process and that it all went toward funding the world’s black market for Coach purses.[9] Because the money is likely unrecoverable, this Court refrains from issuing damages to petitioners. Instead, we remand to the lower court with orders to grant petitioners’ motion for summary judgment, which requested that respondents be shamed for their actions and comply with any and all Law Weekly investigations regarding these funds.

It is so ordered.

Associate Senior Justice Elicegui, concurring in part and dissenting in part.

I agree with the conclusion reached by my colleague, Chief Justice Schmazzle. However, this case can be resolved entirely on procedural grounds, thus avoiding the need to reach the merits and providing an opportunity to dunk on Judge Shipman, which I relish.

Judge Shipman, ignoring Petty Rule of Civil Procedure 16, reached the merits of the case to find for respondents, even though respondents never even deigned to respond to the complaints! The respondents had notice of the case and were properly served with the complaints, I think. And if not, the respondents had notice that they were implementing a tuition increase and should have expected students to feel aggrieved, then take their grievances to the most illustrious body in all the land for resolving such problems.[10] 

Given the lack of response, the Law School loses.  Sorry, I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.  Jk jk I also make the rules.  See Petty Court of Civil Procedure R. 1: we do what we want. 

So give us our dollar bills back.  It would be so ordered if I were in the majority.  Le sigh.

 ___
mes5hf@virginia.edu
tke3ge@virginia.edu

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[1] Except you gunners with scholarships.

[2] As is sacred law school custom.

[3] Read: everyone except rising 3Ls at law firm jobs. Mostly they sat around scrolling Twitter and indulging in daily three hour lunches while their waist lines expanded from the combination.

[4] For those students fortunate enough to get them.

[5] Let’s hope they don’t claim the increase went to luxurious new furniture in the renovated WB rooms.

[6] @New 1Ls, if you want to see a real-life fire-breathing dragon, RSVP to all and then don’t attend any of the spring firm receptions. K-Don loves that.

[7]The number of emails signed “best-jason” during this period, meanwhile, boggles the mind.

[8] We acknowledge it has been like four days since these increases went into effect but we’re mad, so . . .

[9] Admit it, ladies. You all know you had one circa 7th grade.

[10] At least, the most illustrious body in all the land until Chrissy Teigen gets “Chrissy’s Court” up and running.

 [JV1]Full case name; and maybe go with one of the APA notice cases instead.

 [JV2]It’s your preference, of course, but I don’t like the conversation-with-the-lower-court thing. You’re the higher court, you don’t have to ask him anything.

Hot Bench: Jenny Kwun '21

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Jenny Kwun ‘21

Hello, Jenny, and welcome to the proverbial Hot Bench! How are you doing? 

Oh, it’s 2 a.m. and I’m currently working. How do you think I am? I should add that it’s 2 a.m. on a Sunday night, not even a Saturday or Friday night. 

I wanted to catch you in your element. 

Thank you, thank you. This is truly my element, because I go to sleep at 4 a.m. 

You’re being incredibly productive though. 

Yes, I’m working, and I’m eating grapefruit, and I’m doing this interview. So I’m triple-tasking. 

Can you tell our readers what you’re working on? 

I’m currently translating for a K-pop site. There’s this, I guess you could say, “American Idol” show in Korea that’s really popular, and the news just broke that there might have been fraud in the voting process. I had everything prepared to publish tonight, but now I have to rewrite everything!  

That’s pretty intense. Why do you publish everything at night? 

I work Korea-time. Or maybe the answer is more that the news cycle is 24/7, and someone has to be on to cover it at any time. The night shift works best for me, because I have to attend classes during the day. 

How long have you been at this job and how did you get started? 

I’ve had this job since 2011. I had to work during undergrad, and I applied to this company as a translator because I speak fluent Korean. After a year, they promoted me to senior editor. There are some perks because I get to interview my favorite groups. 

Is this something you like to do? 

Well, yeah, another reason is that it’s K-pop and this is the biggest website catering to that interest. I like the topic and I know what the work is like. 

What’s the coolest thing that you’ve done at your job? 

Interview people, memorably BTS. I think the interview is still on Youtube. The interview was before they got super big, haha. 

At what point did you decide to apply to law school? 

OMG, is this OGI? Please don’t ask me this question. 

Haha, okay. Are you famous? 

Mmmmh, kind of. I’ve gotten death threats, so I guess that’s how you know you made it. Not so much anymore. 

How do you do everything at night and still go to class? 

I have forty-eight cans of Red Bull in my apartment right now. 

Tell me something interesting about yourself.

I was born in Korea, and my first language is Korean. Is that interesting? 

Yep! When did you start learning English? 

When I was nine. The only thing I remember is that I once pronounced nowhere as “now here” and a girl in class laughed at me. 

Let’s do a lightning round!

Favorite place in Charlottesville? Costco. 

Anti-Stress Hobby? I write. I’ve kept a diary since fourth grade. 

Pet peeve? I really hate it when people are, how do I say this in English, when people don’t own up to their mistakes. 

Favorite word? Sluice. [What, why???] I just like the way it sounds and looks! 

Favorite food? Ddukbokki (spicy rice cake). I can totally live every day eating just that. 

Oh, do you cook? 

No. OMG, literally I burned ramen the other week. I had to turn my smoke detector off. I put too little water in. :( 

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? 

New York City.

What’s your favorite movie? 

Inception. I like Christopher Nolan movies in general.

If you could pick one song to play in the background of your life, what would it be? 

Hang on, I don’t know. I don’t know enough music to answer this, even though I work in the music industry. I’m not sure I want K-pop to play in the background of my life. 

What is your least favorite sound? 

Bugs skittering up a wall. 

What’s your spirit animal? 

When I took the Pottermore quiz, I got a dolphin. I guess that, or a jellyfish. 

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it? 

I would pay off my school debt and then pay off my sister’s medical school debt. And then buy a building. 

A building??

Yes, it’s a very Korean thing to do. When people get a lot of money, they buy a building. 

Since it’s the start of the year, let’s end by giving the 1Ls some advice. What do you say? 

They’ve probably heard this a million times already, and when I heard it I just thought it was terrible advice. But now that I’m a 2L, it really is the best advice you can give. You’ll get the hang of it. Or you won’t, and it’ll still work out. Trust me, I’ve got firsthand experience.

___
hk5ek@virginia.edu

Court of Petty Appeals: 1L Gunners v. Everyone Else

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1L Gunners v. Everyone Else

939 U. Va. 111 (2019)

ELICEGUI, J.  announced the opinion of the Court in which the rest of the bench joined.

Summary

As happens every year, the brand-new 1Ls have been running around the school for a week, finding their favorite study spots, surviving their first cold calls, and bonding with their section friends. When left unattended, though, this year's crop of 1Ls developed a complex.  They began to think that they rule the school. Well, that comes to a stop today.

Facts

              This morning, three 1Ls—Sally Sue, Mike Matthews, and Hank Hayden—filed a lawsuit alleging intentional infliction of emotional distress and unlawful conversion. Over the last week, the three 1Ls of Section F have developed a morning routine. Sue arrives at school first and puts her stuff down in the conference room across from the bookstore (prime studying territory—arguably the best study spot in the school, since the room has its own thermostat). Sue then goes to grab a coffee and chat with Mandy. Some days she even gets a chocolate chip muffin or a scone.

              While Sue gets her caffeine and sugar fix, Matthews and Hayden arrive in the conference room and settle in.  When Sue gets back, the three brand-new section besties begin discussing the reading from last night, trying to get down the intricacies of Pennoyer v. Neff and in rem jurisdiction. This has become a comforting, cozy routine that allows the friends to catch up on section gossip from the day before and work on learning the complexities of doctrine.

              This morning, though, Sue arrived at school as usual to find her conference room occupied by a group of strangers. A group of tan, beautiful, and a little chubby-looking people were lounging around feasting on Bodo's Bagels, downing iced coffee, and laughing loudly. Sue was flabbergasted. Who were these creatures and where did they come from?! These were the 3Ls of Section Z, tan from spending all of August deep in vacation mode and a little bit chubbier from all of the steaks their law firms had fed them this summer. The 3Ls were here to reclaim their territory.

              Sue worked up her courage and walked into the conference room, explaining to the occupants that she and her friends have occupied this room every morning for the past WEEK. Did these interlopers not understand that 1L is the hardest year and that they need this space to focus and do their ten pages of Civ Pro reading? The 3Ls looked at Sue and laughed.  "Get outta here," said Riley Rivers. "Talk to me when you have thirty pages of Sec Reg reading that you're never going to do.” The rest of the 3Ls cracked up, and Sue ran out of the room in tears.

Procedural Posture

              Sue, Matthews, and Hayden reconvened in ScoCo and decided to seek recourse in the school's best forum for addressing wrongs—the Court of Petty Problems. The plaintiffs allege intentional infliction of emotional distress and unlawful conversion. They seek a temporary injunction to prevent the 3Ls from taking over their conference room.

              At the lower court, the Court of Petty Problems, the brand-new 1L Judge Elaine Cruz granted the preliminary injunction for the plaintiffs. According to Judge Cruz, the 1Ls showed a likelihood of success on the merits because 1Ls have a cognizable right over the conference room, gained by occupying it for the last week, and the 3Ls violated that right by taking over the conference room and laughing at Sue. The 3Ls immediately appealed the decision to this illustrious body, the Court of Petty Appeals. The appeal stated, "We don't really feel like writing a full brief, but someone needs to put the 1Ls back in their place."

Analysis

              Although the 3Ls' brief did not comply with the Petty Rules of Civil Procedure and did not really lay out any arguments per se, this Court will hear the appeal and restore order across the Law School.  As a Senior Associate Justice 3L, I am not particularly in a mood to do any work, but someone has to address the fact that the kindergarteners have taken over the school study spaces. I did not want to spend my first class of 3L doing justice instead of paying attention in class—I would much rather spend that time on Twitter. But, c'est la vie, something must be done. Thus, the temporary injunction issued by the lower court is hereby overturned and this court grants summary judgment in favor of the defendants because, under Petty Rule of Civil Procedure One, “we do what we want.” The 1Ls have not pled any cognizable harms for which redress may be granted and have not shown a likelihood of success on the merits.

              In order to grant a preliminary injunction, the lower Court of Petty Problems must find: (1) a likelihood of success on the merits, (2) the plaintiffs face a substantial threat of harm or injury without the injunction, (3) the threat is immediate, (4) the balance of harms weighs in favor of the plaintiffs, (5) there is no other available remedy, and (6) granting the injunction serves the public interest. Hungry Students v. SBA, 86 Va. 456 (2004) (granting a preliminary injunction against SBA that required SBA to provide more than two pizzas at the Thursday Social because people are hungry). According to Judge Cruz, all of these conditions were met. Whether that is so is a question of law and will be reviewed de novo. Judge Cruz misapplied the law because she ignored a basic rule of Petty Law, which will be underscored explicitly today: 1Ls lose. 

              The plaintiffs cannot succeed on the merits for several reasons. First, 1Ls lose. The court acknowledges that 1Ls may win when they are right, but the court assumes 1Ls will misapply the law, and therefore places a higher burden of proof on 1Ls to make good legal arguments. The plaintiffs in this case do not meet that burden.

              The plaintiffs cannot show that the 3Ls inflicted emotional distress on them because they cannot prove causation. Additionally, emotional distress is a harm within the risk of attending law school. When you pay your first tuition bill or get your first student loan disbursement, you experience shocks that are designed to prepare you for the fact that law school is emotionally stressful. When you experience your first cold call, that experience reinforces the emotional rollercoaster that is law school. How else would we prepare 1Ls for their first finals? Law students may not recover for intentional infliction of emotional distress from other law students because the emotional distress should be expected.

              Additionally, the plaintiffs cannot demonstrate unlawful conversion because the 3Ls have a much stronger claim to the conference room. The court takes judicial notice of the fact that this group of 3Ls uses the conference room in question frequently. As an Associate Senior Justice, I have walked past that room on my way to buy Diet Coke from the Bookstore and I have seen all of them. That is enough of a basis to conclude that the 3Ls are there a lot.  Therefore, they have a better claim to the room.

Summary

              In conclusion, the 3Ls are back, baby. We rule the school and everyone else better prepare themselves. 1Ls lose and all cases from here on out will proceed from the presumption that 1Ls are wrong. This is the first of petty applications of this new rule, but I'm sure it won't be the last.

It is so ordered.

___ 

Tke3ge@virginia.edu

Hot Bench: Jenny Lewis '20

Jenny Lewis ‘20

What is your favorite phrase? 

¿Porque no los dos?

Where did you grow up? 

Houston, with a brief stint in Singapore.

What is the best meal you’ve ever had?

I ate some bright orange curry someone made in high school once. Don’t know what it was, but I think about it at least once a week.

If you could meet one celebrity, who would it be and why?

RBG, so I can show her my tattoo of her dissent collar.

What’s your favorite hobby to avoid the stress of law school? 

Napping.

Where is your favorite place to vacation?

France.

What’s something you wish you’d known about law school before coming to UVA Law?

Every printer in the library is out of order during finals.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Juice laundry.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Next door to Doug Leslie.

What’s your least favorite sound? 

The sound of someone posing a hypothetical in class.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

My dog.

Backstreet Boys or *NSYNC?

*NSYNC, but I will admit the Backstreet Boys’ recent single “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” is a jam.

What is the best concert you have ever been to?

Spice Girls SpiceWorld Tour 1998.

If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be?

Bring the Keurigs back to MyLab. 

What’s your spirit animal?

Cows—they’re always snacking and they sit in the sun playing all day.

What’s your favorite food?

Cheese.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

Retire.

If you had Matrix-like learning, what would you learn?

Basic math.

If you could be in the Olympics, which sport would you compete in?

Complaining.

Where is a place you haven’t been but want to go to?

Karaoke night at Pizza Hut.

What are you looking forward to after you graduate?

The ample free time I’ll get as an associate in Big Law.

What are you going to miss most about the Law School?

My pals.

What are the seven wonders of the law school?

Free food table, Mandy, MyLab, WB 248’s printer, first floor Slaughter bathrooms, Mandy (she’s two wonder-worthy), and the unoccupied classroom I frequently nap in.

___

jml3ej@virginia.edu

A Farewell to the Virginia Law Weekly's 3Ls

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Kim Hopkin ‘19
Probs Off Crying About Graduation

The Law Weekly has grown to mean so much more than a newspaper to me that it’s hard to believe it’s only been three years. When I first started coming to the weekly editorial meetings, I remember feeling like everyone possessed impossible levels of knowledge about the school, the law, and the world. Just sitting in the room gave me insight into SCOTUS personalities, NGSL gossip, and modern European politics. I’d like to say that now I’m the older, wiser 3L bestowing knowledge on 1Ls, but it’s obvious I learn just as much from them as I did from my 3Ls. (Well, I do explain all the latest Kardashian drama complete with hand-drawn genealogy charts, and I think they can’t live without it.)

But seriously, the people I’ve met through the paper have challenged my world vision, made me laugh until my sides hurt, and changed me into the woman I am today. I’ve had to say goodbye to two different graduating classes while working on the paper, but I’m just now realizing I have to say goodbye to three this year. I hope they know how much I cherish them. I came for the pizza; I stayed for the family. I hope you’ve had half the fun reading the paper that we’ve had making it.

___

knh3zd@virginia.edu

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Hopkin and Malkowski living their best 3Lol lives. Photo courtesy of Kim Hopkin ’19.

Alison Malkowski ’19
First Cool Red Head You’ve Ever Met

I joined the Law Weekly in 2017 because Kim Hopkin asked me to carry some pizzas, but I stayed for so many reasons. In the time I’ve been on this paper, we’ve dealt not just with weekly deadlines and the eternal crisis of how many ANGs about the weather is too many, but with very real, very big questions. How do you respectfully document traumatizing historic events in your community? How do you navigate the preservation of public dialogue in the face of opinions with which you profoundly disagree? I will be the first to admit that I love jokes more than most things in this world, and I spend the majority of our Monday night editing meetings (well, really all of my time) interrupting other conversations to make them. But all jokes aside, some of the conversations we had as an Ed Board shaped not just my understanding of the Law School community, but my understanding of our obligation to communicate with each other in every community to which we belong.

I did a thing I shouldn’t have this semester and scheduled a class that meets some Monday nights. It’s an excellent class, but it means I’ve missed six of Law Weekly’s editing sessions, and will miss the final editing session during which this article is reviewed. Fortunately, I’m awful at being sentimental anyway. So without looking any of my fellow staff members in the eye in person, I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who was a part of this paper with me. I learned so much from you. I carried the pizza the first time on a whim, but I came back every week for two more years. The thing speaks for itself.

___

acm4ae@virginia.edu

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Katherine Mann ’19
Committed Commuter

I’ve spent my three years of law school as a commuting mom, splitting time between law school and my family. A foot in both worlds has sometimes made me feel not completely a part of either. I’ve never been to Foxfield, I never made it to Barrister’s, and I’ve been to exactly one bar review. But the Law Weekly has been a reliable Monday night second family for me, and the comfort is not just because of pizza. It’s the grammar-loving, gossip-sharing, and law school-commiserating friends that have kept me coming back. Thank you all for making my time at UVA feel a little more complete.

___

kmm2bb@virginia.edu

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Class of 2019 (and some of their JD/MBA classmates) featured left to right: Anand Jani ’20, Katherine Mann ’19, Benjamin Lucy ’20, Kim Hopkin ’19, Ali Zablocki ’19, Daniel Grill ’19, Jill Rubinger ’19, Jansen VanderMeulen ’19, “Big Mike” Michael McGuire ’19, Julie Dostal ’19. Photo credit Kolleen Gladden ’21.

Ali Zablocki ’19
Still Promoting Her Cat

As someone who avoids spending time at school whenever possible, Law Weekly has been *the* window into happenings at the Law School–good, bad, and ugly (yes, I’m referring to WB’s resident snakes). Did the amount of free pizza do good things for my health? Probably not. Is cartooning still on my list of career possibilities for if and when I flee the legal world? God no–although on the plus side, no longer do I wonder “what if” I had pursued art. But did I meet some truly excellent people? Absolutely. I’ll miss UVA for sure, but I’ll especially miss those magical Monday nights gossiping with ANG!

___

amz2ea@virginia.edu

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Rocky Zablocki
Law Weekly Mas-”cat”

As he moves onward and upward, Rocky–Everyone’s Favorite Pawhoo®–thanks Law Weekly for the very occasional opportunities it has provided to grow his celebrity and wishes the paper luck in identifying a replacement mascot. [Editor’s note: The Law Weekly still supports Gary the Toad above all other Paw Review contestants.]

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Jansen VanderMeulen ’19 poses as his spirit animal with his latest shooting trophy. Photo courtesy of Jansen VanderMeulen.

Jansen VanderMeulen ‘19
Dairy Enthusiast

I’ll miss a lot of things about the Law Weekly, but none more than getting to turn my personal grievances and idiosyncratic opinions into decisions of the Court of Petty Appeals. In my three years at this Law School, I’ve authored or joined opinions against, among others: (1) people who sit at standing desks; (2) Professor Doran and his incorrect pronunciation of “brooch”; (3) gunners, like eighteen times; (4) PAs who tell comforting lies to 1Ls; (5) Career Services for serving Panera bagels instead of Bodo’s; (6) the 1L canon of famous cases; (7) Stephen T. Parr; (8) Paw Review, twice; and (9) 1Ls complaining about lost cookies and coffee. It’s been an illustrious, cathartic jurisprudential career, and I don’t know where else would have let me turn constant gripes into pieces read by at least six people.

We’ve won the ABA Law Student Division’s Law School Newspaper Award both years I’ve been on the paper, and just this week we filed our application to win again. I hope we do, and I hope students realize that this weekly newspaper thing isn’t real common and is kind of precious. You may not think the thumbs ups are funny, or you might only read the Faculty Quotes, but most law schools don’t have something like this. This is our seventy-first year; I’m sincerely hopeful the paper’s still going in 2048 for its hundredth anniversary. Maybe they’ll let me write a guest Court of Petty Appeals complaining about age or something.

___

jmv5af@virginia.edu

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Unidentified man (right) and Daniel Grill ’19 posing on Halloween 2018. Photo courtesy of Jansen VanderMeulen ’19.

Daniel Grill ’19
Makes a Mean Burger

I have really enjoyed being part of the Two-Time ABA Award Winning Law Weekly. While I only joined as a 3L, the Law Weekly crew has been very welcoming and I have enjoyed meeting up every Monday to edit the pieces for the week. Writing articles for the paper has also been quite rewarding. I have never been part of a school newspaper before, and I did not anticipate joining the newspaper when I came to law school, but I have enjoyed writing half-serious half-joking articles about things going on around the Law School and Charlottesville communities. I hope the 1Ls and 2Ls continue to have fun with the paper and build on the great tradition of student journalism at the Law School.

___

dkg5rd@virginia.edu

UVA Basketball Takes First National Title: Law Students Share Their Reactions

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Sam Pickett ’21
News Editor

As the final performance of UVA’s 111th Libel Show wrapped up, the cast gathered in the auditorium to watch the final minutes of UVA’s game against Purdue on the projector. The game was doubly important for me. Like most law students, I had become an ardent UVA basketball fan throughout the team’s incredible run during the regular season and tournament. But Purdue was also my college rival, and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing to a team I had grown up hating. As Mamadi Diakite hit the game tying shot to send it into overtime, the entire auditorium exploded into cheers—and thus began Virginia’s three game journey to cause heart problems for as many of their fans as possible. While it may have been particularly sweet for me to watch Kyle Guy, a fellow Hoosier who chose to go to Virginia, show the world what Indiana basketball can do, UVA’s wild run inspired a wide range of reactions from around the Law School.

There were those who couldn’t contain their excitement (or who suffered from said excitement):

“I thought I was gonna die in the crowd and I lost a shoe” – Drew Calamaro ’21

“We’re going streaking!” – Anonymous 1L

“I was too busy to watch the game and so worked until a few minutes before midnight. I couldn't hear any excitement all evening so I assumed we were losing until, just as I lay down, when everyone in Charlottesville started yelling and shooting fireworks so loudly they sent a police helicopter to hover over my apartment and its open windows. When I finally got to sleep in the wee hours I had a pretty good idea that we'd pulled off a come-from-behind win.”—David Ranzini ’20

And some people got a little too excited…:

Sources informed the Law Weekly that a girl got so overwhelmed by the excitement that she bit a law student. Stuck in the crowd and unable to move, a desperate student decided to chomp down on a nearby elbow—which earned her an involuntary elbow to the face. That’s right folks, this is your news editor delivering hard hitting stuff.

There were also double Hoos who had the pleasure of reliving their undergrad days and realizing their long-held dreams of winning a national championship:

“After UVA’s utterly heartbreaking loss to Syracuse in 2016, Tony Bennett told his team and the media: ‘Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.’  Well, joy has finally come to so many of us.  Watching this team finally cut down the nets was the single greatest sports moment of my entire life, and I am so proud of Coach Bennett and this team for finally bringing home a championship to Charlottesville. Wahoowa.” – Teddy Kristek ’19

“Watching it as a Double Hoo at JPJ was super special. The atmosphere was electrifying and it was emotional to finally see the team win the national championship after the struggles of last year and the disappointing performances in the previous tournaments under Coach Tony Bennett. I’m so proud to see this team prove everyone wrong and show their resilience on the national stage.” – Caline Shamiyeh ’21

“As a double hoo and big UVA basketball fan I had been contemplating going to Minneapolis for the game, but decided in the end I wanted to be in Charlottesville to celebrate at home. It was so worth it! Cheering for UVA, especially as Kyle Guy was making those three throws in the Final Four game, surrounded by my classmates is truly a memory I will never forget from my time in law school…I have been a huge UVA basketball fan for years, so I loved seeing so many of my friends also cheering them on, wearing the gear. I think at a lot of grad school people find themselves less invested in the larger school community compared to their undergrad, so seeing how much interest there was in watching UVA win the national championship was incredibly special. I hadn’t realized until I got home and was watching highlights [that] I never even saw the ending of the game. Once it was clear UVA had won, Boylan was already celebrating and cheering and living it up!” Jasmine Lee ’20

And there were those who may have rooted against the Hoos, but were going to end up winners either way:

“I attend Texas Tech for undergrad, so I was actively rooting against UVA in the national championship. Although I’m disappointed that my Red Raiders fell just short, I’m glad that my fellow Hoos got to celebrate the big win. Still, I watched in anguish as we lost the game as a bunch of rowdy UVA fans were going crazy about the win.” – Arjun Ogale ’21

A special shout out must also be given to our school’s incredible SBA. UVA’s run to the title happened remarkably quickly and SBA reacted accordingly, delivering an incredible experience to the school’s grateful students. SBA President Jasmine Lee was eager to give credit where it was due. “I cannot sing the praises of the executive team and all of SBA enough over their help with executing these two events. Everything happened so fast and we hadn’t done anything like this before, but everyone stepped up to make both watch parties a success. Our hope is that we created an unforgettable memory for the school.”

All in all, it was an amazing tournament run for the Cavaliers and a fitting end for a team that just last year became the first #1 seed in the NCAA tournament history to lose in the first round. Following that infamous game, Kyle Guy changed his Twitter avi to a picture of him bent over, head down in defeat after the loss. After leading his team to a redeeming run, I think it’s safe to say that Guy can change his picture.

A group of Hoos join in the Saturday celebration for the men’s basketball team. Photo credit Kolleen Gladden ’21.

Law Weekly photographer Kolleen Gladden ’21 captures the crowd present at the Scott Stadium celebration.

Court of Petty Appeals: In re Game of Thrones

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In re Game of Thrones

323 U.Va 9 (2019)

Elicegui, J., delivered the opinion of the Court, in which Shmazzle, VanderMeulen, Ranzini, Luk, and Schmid, JJ. join.

Justice Elicegui delivered the opinion of the Court.

*** Warning: Game of Thrones spoilers potentially ahead; insider references certainly ahead. Read at your own risk. This disclosure insulates the Court from liability should anyone be unhappy with a spoiler.

Plaintiff Hannah Dryer ’20 brings suit against Breanna Green ’20. Dryer alleges that Green breached an implied-in-fact contract by asking too many questions and being a bad guest during a Game of Thrones watch party. After careful consideration, the Court agrees that Green breached the contract. The Court awards compensatory damages and gives an injunction outlining the etiquette of television watching.

I

Game of Thrones has been called the “last great water-cooler fodder.” I mean, really, who can remember the last time we were all so invested in a show and had to wait a whole week to find out what happened in the next episode? And we got to talk it over with each other while we waited? Given the magnitude of such a cultural phenomenon, it is only natural that several claims would arise out of such a show. For the sake of efficiency, the Court has consolidated two Game of Thrones appeals and will dispense with both at once.

The plaintiff, Hannah Dryer ‘20, brings suit against Breanna Green ’20, seeking both compensatory and injunctive relief. Dryer alleges that Green breached an implied-in-fact contract to be a good Game of Thrones watching buddy, causing her severe emotional distress and disappointment. Dryer wants to make Green pay her for this harm. She also seeks an injunction to ban Green from her apartment for future episodes, to prevent harm from occurring again.

On Friday, April 12, Dryer woke up around 5 a.m. because she was too excited to sleep. Three days until Game of Thrones! She had been waiting 592 days for this moment and there was so much to be done before her watch party on Sunday night. Dryer began transforming her Pavilion one-bedroom apartment into Winterfell to really set the scene. Dryer spent the weekend decorating and cooking the perfect Game of Thrones-themed snacks—including greyscale cream puffs—printing out Game of Thrones brackets, making her selections, and managing the fantasy league as League Commissioner.

After days of prepping, the day finally arrived. Dryer welcomed thirteen of her sectionmates into Winterfell/her Pavilion apartment. Dryer and her sectionmates snacked and made their fantasy selections until 8:58 rolled around. At 8:58, Dryer refreshed HBO Go and started screaming. Season 8 was finally available! At that same moment, George Woods ’21, looked up from his phone, where he was reading the section GroupMe. “Breanna Green just texted that she’ll be a little late, but she’s on her way from Ivy. She asked if we could wait to start.” “Umm, sure, I guess,” Dryer responded, looking crestfallen. “Tell her to hurry, though. She only gets a three-minute grace period before we start.”

Six minutes later, Green had still not arrived. Dryer made the executive decision to begin the episode—she had already given Green double the grace period she had originally promised, and people really need to show more respect around such a sacred event. Nine minutes after that, Green rushed into the room. “What’d I miss, guys? Omg is Jon about to ride a dragon? Has Cersi killed anyone yet? Why does Bran look so angsty?”

Dryer gritted her teeth but didn’t say anything. Green proceeded to ask fifteen questions in a row,[1] spilled cream puff crumbs on Dryer’s carpet, and started talking about her theories of the identity of the Prince who was Promised. Finally, Dryer had enough: “Breanna, I can’t take this anymore! Either shut up, and clean up your mess, or get out of my apartment!” Green refused to leave, and Dryer got more and more angry throughout the episode as Green kept ruining it. Finally, the end credits rolled and everyone left.

Dryer brought suit, and the lower court found against her. Under the doctrine of formal invites, the lower court found that Dryer invited her whole section to her watch party and did not put any conditions on the invite. Therefore, Green had a right to be at the party and that right continues through future episodes. Dryer appealed, and we granted certiorari to adjudicate proper Game of Thrones watching behavior.

II

After careful analysis, we conclude that Dryer had an implied in-fact-contract that Green breached with her conduct. Dryer extended an invitation to her section to “watch” Game of Thrones at her apartment. The word “watch” implies paying attention, listening, and taking in content as it is shown on the screen. “Watch” does not imply asking questions, talking, or sharing theories—particularly in a show that does not have commercial breaks.

We can only conclude that by extending an invitation only to “watch” and not “discuss” Game of Thrones, Dryer intended for her friends to observe the show without commentary. As courts often say in a fancy Latin phrase that this Court can’t remember, the inclusion of one implies exclusions of others. If Dryer wanted annoying commentary, she would have asked for it. Green accepted Dryer’s contract by coming to the watch party. The mutual promises provided by both (a place to watch Game of Thrones; friends to watch it with) constituted the consideration for the contract.

Because Green breached a contract, this Court must give a remedy. As law school taught us, rights are useless if no one is around to enforce them. Under considerations of fairness and mercy, this Court will award Dryer will damages to make up for the harm she has suffered. Green needs to make Dryer a batch of cookies and apologize. However, under the doctrine of mercy that Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons, doesn’t really seem to get, this Court will not award an injunction banning Green from Dryer’s watch party. Green deserves a second chance. Besides, Dryer already extended the invitation, so no takesie-backsies. Instead, this Court will award an injunction with conditions for next watch party: Green will either arrive on time or not ask what she missed; Green will withhold sharing all theories until after the show; and Green will tweet any questions she has instead of asking them. It is better to scream into the void than annoy the people around you.

It is so ordered.

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[1] Just ask John Legend how annoying that is. He gently encouraged the Lady of the Manor, Chrissy Teigen, to not watch Game of Thrones because she asks too many questions.

Hot Bench: Alison Malkowski '19

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Alison Malkwoski ‘19

Have you ever had a nickname?
My sister calls me AlPal. Other people have called me Malkovich, Squeaks, Al, Lindsay, and Person. At this point, I just think no one knows my name.

Where did you grow up?
Funfax, Virginia.

What is your favorite word?
Listen.

What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?
My family ordered from my favorite Peruvian chicken place on the day I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was so upset, I ate half a chicken with just my front teeth out of spite. I don’t know that it was my best meal but it was certainly memorable.

If you could meet one celebrity, who would it be and why?
Both of the Lindsay Lohans in The Parent Trap. I’m worried about her. On a more serious note, probably Haley Fitzgerald (dancer) or Daniel Sloss (comedian).

What’s your favorite hobby to avoid the stress of law school?
British panel shows, baking, and dancing.

Do you have a favorite dance class to take?
Candace Brown at Broadway Dance Center, Bo Park at Peridance, or any class at House of Movement. Also, Chris Martin (of Choreo Cookies, not Coldplay) came to UVA to give a workshop last year. It was the fourth class in a row on one day and the Saturday before final exams, but I stayed even though I was about to pass out because I adore him. I did so terribly. It was still amazing.

What is your favorite job that you’ve had as a dancer?
I was hired for this music video that filmed at an abandoned mansion in Yonkers. It was a huge production and the most professional set I’ve ever been on. The singer kept having meltdowns because he couldn’t do the dance moves that no one asked him to do.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?
If it’s Sunday, I had three breakfasts because breakfast is the best. If it’s Wednesday, I guarantee that I did not have time before my 10 a.m. class. If you are in my 10 a.m. class, you can probably tell that this is true.

Blueberries or strawberries?
I ordered a Magic Bullet blender with my bar prep gift card and I can’t stop making smoothies. I will not choose.

What is the best concert you have ever been to?
Christine Malkowski’s marching band competition in 2002. It was during the D.C. sniper era, so the competition was held indoors on a basketball court. It was chaos and I loved it.

What’s the worst sleep schedule you’ve ever had?
I was badly nocturnal in undergrad. I had a 4 a.m. “regular” omelette order with the breakfast staff and friends kept posting photos of me asleep on public couches.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?
Tell no one.

What advice would you have given 1L you?
Stop drawing cartoons in the margins of your casebook because you will be too embarrassed to return the rental at the end of the semester.

What will you miss most about Charlottesville?
The trees. Also, Duck Donuts. Also, a lot of people.

___

acm4ae@virginia.edu

Letters to the Editor: 4-17-2019

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Last week the Law Weekly published “Impeachment Stories: Congressman Gerald Ford’s Attempt to Remove Justice William O. Douglas” written by Will Fassuliotis ’19. This Letter to the Editor was submitted in response to that article.

Professor George Rutherglen 

It was with some amusement and more distress that I read the column by Will Fassuliotis published by the Law Weekly on April 10.  It concerns Justice Douglas, “a rank partisan” according to your columnist.  He should be careful, since his rank partisanship is on open display in his column, not to mention his ignorance of constitutional law.  Perhaps “Wild Will,” to paraphrase the title of a biography of Justice Douglas, can tell me how Douglas’s best-known opinion, Griswold v. Connecticut, recognizing a right to contraception and providing the foundation for the modern law of reproductive and sexual freedom, was an exercise in “rank partisanship.”  Very few states, and certainly not Connecticut, favored reproductive rights in 1965 when the decision was handed down.  Wild Will’s rank partisanship seems to lie with the Christian, Trump, and Republican right at this moment, not the historical context in which Justice Douglas acted.  Beware of whom you accuse, Wild Will, because those accusations fit you all too well.

I am, I admit, a former law clerk of Justice Douglas, and Justice Stewart, and Justice Stevens.  You might count me biased in this respect, but you have to understand that Justice Douglas did not curry favor with his clerks. On the contrary, he criticized all of us in the most unsparing terms. And it was for failure to respect individual rights, not for failure to toe the line of whatever party might be in power. Since Wild Will tells stories on Justice Stevens’s swearing-in ceremony and Justice Douglas’s encounter with Justice Whittaker, I have to disagree.  Justice Douglas had suffered from the massive stroke that would eventually kill him when Justice Stevens was sworn in.  I know, because I was there.  I would not, myself, expect a dying man to offer comments with the most equanimity at the end of his career and of his life.  In any event, Justice Stevens never mentioned any such conversation between Justice Douglas and President Ford to me, and I have had several occasions to talk with him about Douglas’s work on the Court just before he retired. As for Justice Whittaker, he was notoriously indecisive, and as I was told by Justice Stewart, who was given Whittaker’s copies of U.S. Reports for his chambers, Whittaker had underlined every line in those volumes.  How would you like to purchase a used casebook with underlining on every line? I take this fact to confirm Whittaker’s indecisiveness and the need he felt to accept help from Douglas.

Wild Will has made Justice Douglas into an anti-Christ of what must be resisted in American law today.  A look back at what Douglas stood for, what he wrote, and which of his opinions have become foundational will lead any unbiased reader to the opposite conclusion. He set the terms for debate over constitutional issues today, from sexual rights to the commerce clause. If that’s “rank partisanship,” I’m sure Wild Will wants the justices he favors to accomplish as much.

Be careful what you criticize, Wild Will, because you seem to be criticizing yourself.

___
grutherglen@virginia.edu

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While the Law Weekly normally does not release Letters to the Editor in advance of publication, the Law Weekly wanted to offer the graduating 3L a chance to respond as this is the Law Weekly’s last issue of the semester. His response follows .

Will Fassuliotis ’19
a.k.a. “Wild Will”

Justice Douglas is a controversial figure. Just as with the other controversial figures I have written about, I tried to cover him with a respectful tone but, when necessary, a critical one as well. Sometimes the words do not come across exactly as I intended. Professor Rutherglen takes objection to my use of “rank partisan” to describe Douglas. One thing I admire about Justice Douglas was his one-man crusade to end the Vietnam War. He spoke out in public and wrote article after article against it. His efforts culminated in Holtzman v. Schlesinger[1] where, acting on his own capacity as a Circuit Justice, he issued an injunction on the United States Airforce from bombing targets in Cambodia. Douglas, despite being an early supporter of intervention in Vietnam, rightly came to believe that the Vietnam War was a bloody waste of American lives. Douglas did not complain behind the scenes, but did everything in his power to end the war, up to and including this unprecedented judicial interference in the President’s war powers.

Soon after he issued the injunction, the other eight Justices swiftly overruled him and his injunction, ending any judicial oversight of the Vietnam War. In a very narrow way, Professor Rutherglen is correct that “partisan” was a poor choice of words; Justices Brennan and Marshall, also Democrats, also judicial liberals, did not join him. But this episode undoubtedly shows that Douglas was an ideologue (perhaps a “rank ideologue”), willing to use any method to get the end result he desired, whether the Constitution or law plausibly permitted that result. Again, I found that admirable in this context. Morally, it was the right thing to do. But was it the right thing for an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court to do? Justice Douglas rarely let such considerations constrain him.  

I strive to present a balanced view of the Justices and events I write about. Not a single Justice to ever sit on the Court—from Chief Justice John Jay to Justice Brett Kavanaugh—is without vice or virtue. One person’s landmark case is another person’s abdication of the Constitution. The very cases that Professor Rutherglen holds up as exemplary were in no small measure why Representative Ford and other conservatives wanted to oust Douglas. To not include that is to do a disservice to those who do not know the context of the time. Like any writer, I am limited to the historical record as I find it. As I tried to stress, Douglas, more so than any other modern Justice, has a mythology surrounding him. Piercing the myth is complicated.

At the beginning of the school year, I said to the Law Weekly Editor-in-Chief, “I have a lot of stories I want to tell and no one to tell them to. Can I write something for the paper?” I hope they have been informative. But more so, as with any piece of history, I hope you, the reader, have read my work with a skeptical eye, and were encouraged to find out more for yourself.

___

wf5ex@virginia.edu

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[1] 414 U.S. 1316 (1973).

Court of Petty Appeals: Class of 2019 v. 2016- 2017 Peer Advisors

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Class of 2019 v. 2016‒2017 Peer Advisors

323 U.Va. 1 (2019)

VanderMeulen, J., delivered the opinion of the Court, in which Hopkin, Dostal, Malkowski, and Mann, JJ., joined. Malkowski, J., filed a concurring opinion.

Justice VanderMeulen delivered the opinion of the Court.

The question before the Court is whether there may be liability for Peer Advisors accused of defrauding the 1Ls entrusted to their care by telling them fanciful lies about law school. The plaintiffs, a class of graduating 3Ls, filed suit against their now-graduated former Peer Advisors seeking damages for fraud. The lower court dismissed the plaintiffs’ cause of action citing lack of jurisdiction. We now reverse.

I

For as long as anyone[1] can remember, each class of 1Ls has been assigned a group of Peer Advisors (PAs) to mentor them, guide them, and provide them unheeded advice about the dangers of dating your sectionmates. These PAs are said to bring varying levels of comfort to their child-like mentees: Some students call their PAs “lifelong mentors and real-life friends” while others call them “Who?”

But it is not the merits of the PA system before the Court. At issue is the set of soothing statements programmatically made by PAs to frightened 1Ls throughout the duration of the PA–1L relationship. Plaintiffs, a class of graduating members of the Class of 2019, allege that these statements were fraudulent and that they suffered grave psychic and pecuniary damage as a result of their reliance on the statements. The lower court, Judge Davies presiding, dismissed plaintiffs’ claim for lack of personal jurisdiction, arguing that, because defendant former PAs no longer attend UVA Law, they cannot be held liable for any damages they might have inflicted on plaintiffs, citing our seminal holding in SBA v. Mahoney, 220 U.Va. 17, 23 (2016) for that proposition. (“Dean Mahoney doesn’t go here anymore, kids, stop trying to sue him for your student loans.”) Plaintiffs filed a timely appeal to this Court.

II

We can dispense with the jurisdictional issue with ease: First of all, as Petty Rule of Civil Procedure 1 states succinctly, “We do what we want.” Implicit in this rule is the power to do whatever we want. And besides, we’ve often held that our jurisdiction extends to anything having only the most tenuous connection with the Law School. See NGSL v. Burly Alumni, 43 U.Va. 12 (2003) (former bros are under our petty jurisdiction); Fuqua v. Chipotle, 254 U.Va. 110 (2009) (so is the Chipotle burrito artist who screwed up the SBA President’s burrito); Pittman v. Fillkie Warr, 907 U.Va. 670 (2019) (and the co-chair of a major New York law firm who once recruited a UVA Law student). Our jurisdiction is, in short, expansive and ever-growing. We have no problem asserting personal jurisdiction over a couple of recently graduated alums who lived, studied, and made fools out of themselves on the Corner here in Charlottesville.

So now that the lower court is reversed, you’d think we’d remand for further proceedings consistent with this opinion, right? WRONG. We’re here, the case is ripe, and I’m putting off weeks of Caleb Nelson’s reading at the moment, so we might as well knock this baby out.

III

Let’s talk about these lies. Plaintiffs list four in particular, covering a wide spectrum of Law School life:

(1)  “Don’t worry—2L is way less busy than 1L, and 3Ls don’t do any work at all!”;

(2)  “No one notices if you botch a cold call”;

(3)  “Journals totally aren’t a pointless sham—you can learn a lot if you put in the effort!”; and

(4)  “You can definitely land in New York or D.C.”

Unlike complicated common-law fraud that the Court doesn’t remember learning, Petty Law fraud is straightforward: If you lie, someone reasonably believes it, and suffers because she believes it, that’s fraud. The reasonable belief part is key. See, e.g., Smith v. Hulvey, 242 U.Va. 990 (2010) (“There can be no recovery where only a complete moron would believe he ‘can graduate debt-free if [he] put [his] mind to it.’”).

There can be no doubt that at least some credulous 1Ls bought the above-listed statements—the poor dears. Plaintiffs allege they not only believed the trusted mentor-figures who brought beer to their pregames, but relied on the PAs’ statements to their detriment—a necessary element of Petty Law fraud. See Class of 2017 v. Glendon, 847 U.Va. 344 (2017) (“You said there’d be Duck Donuts, Glendon, we skipped lunch!”) Now, they claim, they’ve been injured in various ways: a firm job in Colby, Kansas; a miserable position on a journal managing board; the savage laughter of unsympathetic sectionmates; and a permanent eye-twitch from twice-weekly all-nighters during 2L. These injuries are cognizable and sufficient to constitute damages: The Court collectively shudders imagining living in the hellscape of western Kansas.

IV

In their defense, defendants at least spare the Court the farcical claim that the contested statements are true. They instead argue that the lies were a sort of necessary, coddling encouragement, like telling a child he can be an astronaut if he wants to be. Most children, of course, cannot be astronauts, due either to their complete lack of competence in physics or the gap in their resumes where their naval aviation career ought to be. Similarly, defendants claim, of course not every 1L can land in New York or D.C., but 1Ls’ believing they can is critical to maintaining their hopeful spirits. Likewise, if 1Ls knew people would remember in stunning detail every excruciating moment of their hideous attempts to explain easements or substantive due process, they wouldn’t even have the courage to show up to class.

When I started this opinion, I thought I was going to agree with plaintiffs, but honestly I’ve kind of convinced myself here. How would anyone make it through 1L if they knew the truth that 2L was just as excruciating? Why would anyone bother learning the Rule Against Perpetuities if they knew their efforts would be in vain—that they were bound for Nowheresville or worse: Cleveland. In light of this change of heart, we’ve decided to reverse Judge Davies (for old time’s sake) and remand for trial on the main factual issue in this case—what was the biggest waste of 3Ls’ time in law school: journal tryouts or sucking up at firm receptions?

The Court of Petty Claims is REVERSED and the case is REMANDED for proceedings consistent with this opinion.

It is so ordered.

Justice Malkowski, concurring.

PAs, you say? I ran into a fellow who purported to be my PA at Libel rehearsals my 1L spring. I’d never seen him before. He felt bad for failing me and said I didn’t have to refill his beer. I proceeded to refill his beer. This concludes the history of my PAs and me.

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[1] Except Professor Bonnie, probably.