Stallone Stumbles in the Courtroom

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Garrett Coleman '25 
Executive Editor 

The best show currently releasing episodes is without a doubt Tulsa King on Paramount+, and it just had a courtroom scene. While I hate to criticize anything about this show, this depiction of our trade was lacking in some ways, but compelling in others.

As he approached eighty years-old, Sylvester Stallone wanted to depict a confident, lovable, old-school mafia capo in a foreign environment, so he joined Tulsa King. The show centers around the aging Dwight Manfredi, a capo in a New York mafia family recently released from a lengthy prison stay. With much change having taken place in Brooklyn while Manfredi was behind bars, he is exiled to Tulsa, Oklahoma, where he quickly establishes a foothold in a few local businesses—weed dispensaries, bars, etc. In the first season, he built a motley crew and took down a rival biker gang to solidify his regional position as tensions with New York came to a boil. And while doing all that, he had a fling with a local ATF agent who saved her own skin by accusing him of bribery at the very end of last season.

So, a few episodes into the second season, we finally see Manfredi’s trial for bribery of a federal agent. The U.S. Attorney for the Northern District of Oklahoma, corrupted by Manfredi’s rival in the dispensary business, tried the case himself. But Stallone and the other writers of Tulsa King wanted to stick it to legal nerds and deliver a one-day acquittal for Manfredi.

The trial began with Manfredi opting to proceed pro se. And we don’t see much until Manfredi calls his former lover, and now accuser, Agent Stacy Beale to the stand. Why the prosecution had not called their key witness to the stand, I do not know. Manfredi then engages in the oddest direct examination imaginable. He asks leading questions (which is understandable given that she is an adverse witness), but is only occasionally called on them. He uses most of the time to testify himself, only asking Agent Beale for clarification at the end. And he routinely argues to the jury on unrelated points. Nonetheless, Manfredi secures a not guilty verdict from the jury, probably because they thought he was a cool guy.

Tulsa King is a great show and a fresh take on mafia content, but I find myself tainted by our collective legal education. The suspension of disbelief gets a little harder after you learn what goes on in a courtroom.

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jxu6ad@virginia.edu

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What The Heck Did I Just Watch: The Substance

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Ryan Moore '25 
Historian 

[This article contains minor spoilers for the horror movie The Substance. You have been warned.]

 We’ve all been there before. Maybe you’re killing some time with friends on a Friday night. Maybe you’re looking for alternatives to bar review.[1] Maybe you're not creative when it comes to planning dates. But we've all had the same experience. You walk out of the movie theater and to your car. You sit down, put on your seat belt, then stare out the window,and you say to yourself: “What the heck did I just watch?”

 I repeated this phrase several times when I went to see The Substance at Regal Stonefield last Friday. Rather than attend yet another bar review, three of my friends and I decided we would spend our Friday at the theater. Together we sat through one of the weirdest, most messed up satires of Hollywood’s culture of vanity that I have ever seen. I watched and reviewed this movie so you don't have to. However, as any 1L can tell you, existence is pain. I wrote this movie review because you must suffer like I did.

 The Substance is a body horror movie starring former “Brat Pack” member Demi Moore (A Few Good Men, St. Elmo’s Fire), Margaret Qualley (never heard of her before), and Dennis Quaid (wait, that guy from The Parent Trap?). The film centers around the eponymous “substance,” a mysterious drug that basically creates a younger clone of the user. Demi Moore plays a “past-her-prime” movie star who loses her long-time fitness show as the studio looks for younger, hotter talent. Rather than spend her vast fortune on the best plastic surgeons Hollywood has to offer, or get a prescription for Ozempic, Demi buys a mysterious substance marketed through a USB flash drive reverse pickpocketed into her mustard colored jacket by a nurse committing medical malpractice.[2]

 In true body horror fashion, the movie is filled with gruesome and grotesque scenes depicting the substance users’ transition process, which basically involves full body cell meiosis. The entire conceit of the movie is that the substance user can only spend seven days inside their younger, hotter, Margaret Qualley body for every seven days spent in their older, also hot-but-in-a-different-way Demi Moore body. Only one body is active at a time; the substance user must manually “switch” between the bodies. A ticket to this movie cost me one Fetty Wap.[3]

 My first suspicion that this movie would be a canon event was when the theater usher warned the four of us that “the last ten minutes of The Substance are a lot.” But I definitely should have known this movie was bad when we entered the theater twenty minutes late and were the only viewers.

 The Substance is that rare, and perhaps only, body horror movie that, slowly and then all at once, becomes a comedy. For a horror movie first, there was an inverse relationship between the amount of blood on screen and how scary the movie was. The final act of The Substance was heavily influenced by the ending of Stephen King’s Carrie, only without the same level of character development, soundtrack, emotional buildup, practical effects, cinematography, or writing. Instead of serving as the emotional release after two hours of rising suspense, the final “New Year's Eve” scene was so over-the-top and gratuitous that we burst out laughing. I hadn’t laughed that hard, literally, in years. The last twenty minutes of The Substance are dark comedy gold and feel randomly grafted onto the first two hours of the movie.

 I would be remiss if I didn’t discuss “the law” in The Substance, and this movie raised a number of legal questions. Who created the substance? Was it FDA approved? And, most importantly, do the individuals harmed by the substance have a valid product liability claim?

 In torts, we learned the prima facie case for defective products liability.[4] First, the defendant must be the commercial seller of the product and sell that product to the plaintiff. In the movie, we don’t actually know who or what manufactures or sells the substance, but that’s because The Substance is a stupid movie.

Second, the plaintiff used the substance and clearly suffered numerous injuries (hence why this is a body horror movie). However, the issue is whether the substance was defective when sold, and whether this defect was the actual and proximate cause of the plaintiff’s injury. The manufacturer will argue that the substance worked as designed: it created a second version of the user. But this argument fails because of a defect in marketing. The manufacturer failed to warn users of the latent dangers in the product: abuse turns the user into a murderous Cronenberg-like monster.

 I could have spent my Friday night reading for my classes or, even worse, at bar review. Instead, I gave myself emotional and psychic trauma from which I don't know if I will ever recover.

I give this movie two thumbs up… to gouge out my eyes.

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tqy7zz@virginia.edu

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[1] Ellie’s again?

[2] If I’ve already lost you, this is the most believable part of the movie.

[3] $17.38.

[4] I am writing this article way past my deadline so I don’t have time to cite; it’s probably correct.

A Spoiler-Free Review of The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (2023

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Brent Rice '25
Staff Editor

Like many upperclassmen (sorry 1Ls), I put off outlining for a little while longer this break by making multiple trips to Regal Cinemas at Stonefield for two separate showings of The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes in a seventy-two-hour window. What follows is a spoiler-free review of the movie which felt on par with, if not better than, the original series that captivated the hearts and minds of many of our middle-school selves.

Photo Credit: Brent Rice '25

The movie, like the original Hunger Games series, is a film adaptation from a novel by Suzanne Collins. However, my appetite for reading anything other than casebooks being greatly reduced by my time in law school, this review will focus solely on the film without comparisons or complaints with respect to how the movie compares to the book (which I, transparently, have not read).

The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is a prequel to the Hunger Games series that follows the early life and beginning of the rise to power of Coriolanus Snow, who we know will one day be the authoritarian President of Panem during the life of Katniss Everdeen. The film picks up shortly after the district uprising sixty-four years prior to the original film’s events, otherwise known as “The Dark Days,”  and effortlessly depicts the dystopian wasteland that was Panem in the aftermath of war—including a disheveled Capitol. The film quickly jumps forward about ten years to display the earliest version of the hunger games, which were devised to punish the districts for their rebellion by sending two members of each district to fight to the death until only one victor remained. Those who are familiar with the original trilogy of films will take interest in seeing the early days of the games and reflecting on how they had changed over the years, both in style of gameplay and how they appealed to Capitol citizens.

Like any good film, the plot contains a story of somewhat star-crossed lovers, who are victims of the circumstances under which they were born, as they fight against all odds for a future they see for each other. In addition, the movie does a tremendous job of bringing to light the dramatic tension that exists between social classes in Panem and highlights the power of human nature, love, and hatred.

But, the true beauty of this villain origin story is in the complex character arc of young Coriolanus Snow. His unwinding subtly progresses over the course of the film, from a person with mixed-motives for the benefit of himself, but also others, to a calculating individual who serves nothing other than his own desire for wealth and power. The film is able to quickly depict his aptitude for understanding systems of power, how to manipulate them, and how to control people. Equally captivating were the countless ways that the filmmakers were able to weave in pieces from the original series, from the songs, symbols, and stories they tell, all the way down to the very last line of the movie.

Perhaps the only complaint I’ve heard lodged against the movie is that there was too much singing. While it may be true that the movie contained more of this than other Hunger Games, it stops far short of a musical. The filmmakers masterfully capture how music can inspire change in the masses and within individuals. Besides, for a movie which is titled The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the principle of caveat emptor should apply. What else did those offering this critique expect when they bought their tickets?

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wrf4bh@virginia.edu

¡Qué Sorpresa! A Review of Cville's Humming Taco Truck Scene

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Devon Chenelle ‘23
Prose Style Editor

My parents, who lived in Charlottesville during the 1990s, always spoke of it as a charming little Southern[1] town, and one of the best college towns in America. To my delight, I have found that to be true. Charlottesville is a delightful place, and it’s no wonder so many choose to live here, even absent a connection to UVA. However, while I expected Charlottesville to have gorgeous scenery, delightful used bookstores, and a wonderful downtown, one of the greatest pleasures of my time here has been the most surprising: the incredible quality of the Mexican food. Coming from Chicago, which does the cuisine better than anywhere in America except maybe Southern California,[2] I was not expecting Central Virginia to absolutely bring it with the sabor latino. But it does! I, accustomed to the gastronomical delights of Pilsen and the Little Village, have been blown away by the calidad of the Mexican culinary offerings in our humble college town. With this article, I hope to introduce and entice my readers to the avant garde of the Charlottesville taco scene: the food trucks increasingly crowding the streets and delighting our palates.

 The first taco truck I encountered in Charlottesville, and still one of my favorites, was Tacos Gomez, located at the corner of High Street and Long Street along the Rivanna River. Tacos Gomez is my daytime go-to in Charlottesville, perfect for taco runs in between classes. They are fully capable of bringing the heat with their spicy sauces and offer tacos, alambres, and tortas, a type of sandwich. I must confess that I have not tried the tortas, but, judging from the quality of their other offerings, I can only presume that they are comparably excellent. My go-to is the “alambre mix,” which is a combination of different meats, veggies, and cheese, complete with tortillas. The fast preparation, low prices, and incredible seasonings and spices on their freshly prepared meals make Tacos Gomez one of the most enjoyable dining experiences in Charlottesville, and their outdoor seating is a pleasure, especially once the weather here takes a turn for the better. Make sure to ask for the spicy sauce!

Pictured: The El Tako Nako Truck.
Credit: The El Tako Nako Facebook page.

The next food truck I will review is actually not Mexican food, as Comida Latina Rosy Food Truck, situated right next to Tacos Gomez, offers the interesting flavors of Honduran cuisine, a specialty I was shocked to see offered at such a high level in Charlottesville. Some of my favorites there include the pupusasand their pollo con tajadas. If you are enamored with the flavors and spices of Mexican cuisine, but want to try a different, albeit recognizable, spin on the genre, I can’t recommend Comida Latina Rosy highly enough. They also offer a covered awning for seating, which proves crucial in the cold and rainy Charlottesville January.

However, as positive as my feelings are about almost all of Charlottesville’s Mexican food offerings, the king stands alone. I am referring to El Tako Nako, a glowing center of culinary excellence located on Hydraulic Road, promisingly parked right in front of the local laundromat. El Tako Nako, which is open daily from 5 p.m. to midnight, is not only the finest late-night eating spot in Charlottesville by a mile (I giggle as I drive past the long line of cars arrayed in front of Cook Out waiting for their greasy paper bags on my way to the freshly prepared goodness of Tako Nako), but also offers some of the best tacos I’ve ever had. Honestly, El Tako Nako is so incredible that I was loath to describe it in this column, as I enjoy the generally short lines for their scrumptious fare. But, as I sadly only have a few months remaining in Charlottesville, I might as well reveal the secret. Though slightly more expensive than Tacos Gomez, every cent is worth it for El Tako Nako’s delectable and freshly made fare. Their chicken tacos, complemented with peppers and their spicy red sauce, are quite possibly the finest dish in all of Charlottesville. Though I am not as wild about their quesadillas, which are a little too much bread and cheese for me, every taco I’ve ever ordered there has blown me out of the water. The friendly treatment and swift preparation of food makes El Tako Nako an indispensable, tasty weapon in the arsenal of any student laboring through late nights in the library, and it offers tacos far tastier than Charlottesville has any right to have.

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dnc9hu@virginia.edu

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[1] To all the readers coming from Alabama, Mississippi, etc. ready to interject, “This isn’t the Real South!”, there was a gigantic statue of Robert E. Lee downtown until six months ago.

[2] I love you, Texas, but I have to tell you: For some reason, the Tex-Mex just doesn’t quite bring it.

A Spoiler-Free Review of Avatar: The Way of Water

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Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Co-Executive Editor

Avatar: The Way of Water is a beautiful movie underscored by compelling messages. However, the movie falls short of its potential thanks to writing and character development that is far less effective than the movie’s visuals and the messages those visuals support. Ultimately, the movie is certainly a success despite these shortcomings, and it succeeds exactly where it intends to: immersing viewers in a beautiful world and inspiring them to care about that world. Some viewers may find the messaging overly didactic and heavy handed—however, these qualities may be a necessary evil in order to drive home the movie’s themes effectively. 

Visuals and World Building

 It isn’t hyperbole to refer to The Way of Water as stunning. This should be expected, considering the movie’s predecessor, which was marketed largely on its revolutionary use of CGI. The movie is in its element when depicting the world of Pandora and the intimate lives of Pandora’s inhabitants, the Na’vi. The movie spends a significant amount of time in the forest, allowing viewers to reacclimate themselves to the story, which is now over a decade old. However, the visuals truly take off when the movie shifts to a new coastal culture.

By switching the setting, the film allows viewers to immerse themselves in and explore the beauty of Pandora. Not only does this allow the director, James Cameron, to blow the socks off of viewers with beautiful scenes of various aquatic animals, it enables Cameron to create and insert new and compelling forces that push forward the themes that make the backbone of this series.

One common, and perhaps valid, complaint about these scenes concerns what feels like an unnecessary amount of time designated for the sole purpose of showing off the visuals but not actually pushing the story forward narratively. While I think this complaint is valid, it should not be emphasized too much. In a story that needs its audience to be invested in the world in order to appreciate the story’s themes, it seems necessary to spend a significant amount of time actually emphasizing the natural world and why the characters care for it, so that the audience can appreciate the broader themes and messages of the movie.

Themes and Messages

The Way of Water is designed around two central themes: the conflict between environmentalism and corporate goals as well as family. The environmental focus of the movie should come as no surprise to those who have seen the first movie, as it is carried over wholesale between the two films. However, while environmentalism was certainly the main theme of the first movie, family, and the idea of extended family, features heavily alongside this environmentalism in The Way of Water.

The thematic climax of the conflict between environmentalism and corporate goals is highlighted in the context of harvesting resources from sentient, emotionally complex animals. In short, the film takes the stance that, even if humans had direct and accepted evidence that a species they hunted was more complex spiritually, intellectually, and emotionally than our own species, corporate interests would still justify rather barbaric hunting and harvesting of those animals, despite the moral implications of this action. This theme is what necessitates what many critics have seen as an unnecessary amount of scenes which seem to do nothing to drive the plot forward narratively; these scenes instead serve to illustrate the full context of the conflict on Na’vi so that viewers can appreciate the spiritual, emotional, and moral complexities inherent to the conflict.

Further, developing this first theme promotes the second: family. The film pushes at what it means to be family and what it means to care for individuals and groups other than oneself. It forces viewers to think about how broad the idea of family should be, and how far the kind of care and love that we extend to family should be extended to individuals and entities outside of one’s direct family. This is one of the few themes in the film in which some character development regarding the theme actually occurs outside of just the protagonist’s own family.

Character Development and Writing

Character development and, in particular, writing seem to be the main points where the film struggles. Much of the dialogue feels choppy, unnatural, and plain. Many of the characters feel like they barely grow at all. Certain developments, such as one character’s seizure, just happen. There’s no development or explanation to them whatsoever.

These are the main critiques being levied at the movie at the moment, and they are hard to rebut. The best response that the movie could make to these claims is simply that the movie had different goals, which I think may also be true.

However, it isn’t all quite as bad as everyone says. I think that Jake Sully and his family all developed throughout the movie in terms of their respect for each other and their understanding of the value they each brought to the table. Even the main antagonist draws some lines in the sand by the end of the movie that might have surprised viewers.

Conclusion

Overall, The Way of Water does what it set out to do and does it well. The movie is far from perfect, but it sets its focus on narrow goals involving imagery and messaging and delivers in those areas. Fans who criticize the movie on the basis of poor writing and character development are absolutely justified in those criticisms. However, they should not allow viewers to be blinded to the areas in which the movie succeeds. Overall, I would rate the movie an eight out of ten.

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jtp4bw@virginia.edu

Legal Thoughts on The Menu (Spoilers)

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Garrett Coleman ‘25
Staff Editor

On a long break at home, there are few things better to do with your folks than go to a movie. But when I scrolled through Flixster, there was not too much grabbing my attention. Based on the cast, The Menu obviously jumped off the screen the most, though I was not too sure my mom would appreciate a thriller with a predictable-seeming plot: Now, the guests become the menu. Nonetheless, we persisted, and I had a wonderful experience. Beyond the solid acting and well-written dark humor, there was something about The Menu that connected with me on a visceral level, and the legal field certainly has something to do with that. A theme that I saw in the movie—alienation from the joy that art provides and the destructive effects of that detachment—has certainly been noticeable in law school, even somewhere as lovely as UVA.

A brief synopsis is in order for those who have not seen The Menu. Nearly the entire film takes place on a remote island that hosts the Hawthorn, an uber-pretentious restaurant in which all the food comes from local flora and fauna. It is staffed by a battalion of skilled chefs loyal to Julian Slowik, played by Ralph Fiennes. They serve a hodgepodge of high clientele: billionaires, movie stars, food critics, and tech bros, who are all equally unlikable, with one exception. That exception is a foodie’s escort, Margot, played by Anya Taylor-Joy (you can probably imagine who gets off the island). After some deconstructed plates resembling food are served, Chef Slowik reveals how much he hates the restaurant’s guests. Chief among their sins is entitlement—they have brilliant food before them but utterly lack appreciation or gratitude for the art that Slowik creates. So, he designs the perfect menu in which they all die in a human s’mores roast. That is, everyone except for Margot, who solves the survival puzzle by finding an old picture of Slowik with a genuine smile while making a cheeseburger. By rekindling that joy and orienting his work back towards a good end, Margot is granted reprieve.

The transformation of Chef Slowik is the first item to dwell on when comparing this movie to law school. In a chronological sense, the audience is confronted with someone who once loved cooking and giving people food. But, as time went on, talent-seeking leeches took hold. Investors demanded changes in the food, critics analyzed his every pinch of salt, and foodies broke his meals down as if art were only the sum of its parts. If none of this sounds familiar, I am prepared to drop out. At law school, nearly all of us are beholden to our creditors. They determine what careers we envision and when we can start families. Standing in the way of that future are legal employers who tempt us with unending success, so long as we beat the people sitting next to us. And it is so easy for legal writing to drag you down into the formulaic and drab. I cannot help but imagine that everyone at this law school has a “cheeseburger photo,” a moment when they were writing or arguing and overcome with a spiritual joy. If you’re like me, those moments drove you to law school. But it is undeniable that there is something in this profession that comes for that joy if you are not on guard.

A hindrance to Chef Slowik’s ability to find joy in cooking is certainly the guests that he now serves. Somehow, they vary from overanalyzing to under-analyzing every meal, while still converging on entitlement. While I have not yet had legal clients, I imagine that working with them can be similar. Legal thinking and advocacy are special. We know that, yet it remains difficult to convey its uniqueness even to family and friends who are outside the profession. Now, a client may just want a job to be done or a result to be met while ignoring the skillset that you have tirelessly developed. Of course that is frustrating!

In the movie, this alienation results in the violent outburst that serves as the main plot point. Before the final roast, we see the violence begin with the suicide of sous-chef Jeremy. His motive, beyond introducing the third course, is that he will never be great like Chef Slowik. I do not make this comparison lightly. It is impossible to ignore, though, that depression,anxiety, and alcoholism run rampant throughout the legal field. If a contributing factor to these mental health problems is a feeling of inadequacy, I would not be surprised. When you have an institution with as much talent as this one, it can be hard to think that greatness is ever within reach.

The point to my tenuous comparison is that the alienation and violent responses are silly. It is silly to hate the people who criticize you when you know better, to think that being good but not great is a terminal illness, or to lose sight of the joy that brought you to law school before even graduating. But, like many silly things, they are easy to do. I personally would like to follow the path of Margot: Identify those moments of joy and pursue them within reason, stopping short of the artistic martyrdom of Chef Slowik. This is feasible because so many of the things we do here are really damn fun. That rush of adrenaline when you track the professor’s reasoning on a cold call, the satisfaction of creating a great analogy in a memo, or the joy of telling a nerdy joke about a torts case to the only people on the planet who will understand. When combined with the art of advocating for a client who really needs your help, I think it is possible to make a delicious cheeseburger. Would 10 out of 10 recommend this movie—no deep thoughts are required to enjoy some good dark comedy.

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jxu6ad@virginia.edu

Dune: The Spoiler-Free Review

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Anne Reyna ‘23
Staff Editor

Welcome to your spoiler-free Dune review brought to you by the Law Weekly’s official[1] part-time volunteer movie critic. Are you looking for a high-budget, surprisingly diverse sci-fi film that tackles complex issues like colonization, interplanetary drug commerce, and witches? Then have I got the film for you. Dune proved to be the epic and immersive experience that known Marvel hater[2] and director Dennis Villeneuve promised us. Many of my loyal readers have asked burning questions like “I don’t like sand; will I still like the movie?” or “Do I need to watch the other eighteen Marvel films before I watch this one?”[3] This review will do its best to address these questions and many others.

For those of you not familiar with the story of Dune, you might be a little confused watching it. One person who passed me on a park bench described it as “like watching season six of Game of Thrones with no other context.” And you know, that’s a fair critique. The writers really dove in head-first with this huge project, and they trusted that the viewer either already read the book or would be able to connect the dots on their own to figure out what’s really going on.  What the writers failed to take into consideration is that even if you read the book, it’s still pretty much 800 pages of rough ideas that barely form a cohesive plot. Nonetheless, this modern film adaptation of the novel delivered a mostly faithful retelling of a complex story in a way that casual viewers can still mostly understand and enjoy.

If you’re looking for an oversimplified, almost entirely unhelpful summary that will not give you nearly enough context to understand the plot of Dune, then you came to the right place. In Dune, there are many different powerful houses spread across the galaxy that answer to one mysteriously elusive emperor. In this fictional realm, spice is the only currency that matters — and it can only be found on the planet of Arrakis. Spice is an incredibly in-demand energy source that fuels space travel and is also a sacred hallucinogen for the native people of Arrakis. The emperor colonized Arrakis to mine the spice and assigned one noble house the coveted job to govern the planet and to reap some of the profits from the spice trade. Timothée Chalamet’s character is also believed to be some kind of space messiah. Now you’re all caught up, I think.

After I had an extensive search for real-time audience reactions, Effie Kisger ’23, passed me in the movie theater parking lot and described Dune as “like Squid Game but with worms.” Honestly, I couldn’t have said it better myself. This movie really had it all: intense fight choreography, a character named Duncan Idaho, beautiful visuals, and, most importantly, a soundtrack to end all soundtracks. Hans Zimmer’s score of this movie was described as “colossal” and “loud” by known affiliate of the Law School, Justin Ngo. The soundtrack was so colossal, in fact, that it often overshadowed the dialogue between the characters. And by overshadowed, I mean you literally couldn’t hear what the actors were saying, as evidenced by affiliate Justin turning to me and saying “What?” a few times during the film. Which is why I am recommending that after watching it in theaters, viewers should immediately go home and watch it on HBO Max with the captions on. With that being said, I would still like to personally invite Hans Zimmer to inject his score of Dune into my veins.

Another critique of Dune is that it felt incomplete. Some viewers were not fans of how the film felt like it was ending “in the middle” or how it was just “building the hype for the sequel.” While I do concur that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One was no one’s favorite movie, I would still point to other movies that served similar roles and were still hailed as incredible films despite not being the grand finale. The Empire Strikes Back, The Fellowship of the Ring, and Avengers: Infinity War come to mind. While these movies were incredible and arguably the best standalone films of a major franchise, they also, like Dune, ended somewhat in the middle. These movies left you wanting more and ultimately brought millions of people back to the theater to see the aftermath of these films’ endings. I believe Dune will accomplish this same daunting task. My only hope is that the sequel lives up to the hype that part one built.

In conclusion, this might be the time to bring up that Warner Bros. has just greenlit Dune: Part Two, and its estimated release date is October 2023. Anyways, you guys stay safe out there.

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agr5ag@virginia.edu

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[1] *unofficial

[2] Screw you Dennis, Marvel movies are more than just a copy and paste of one another.

[3] Some people do not know what Marvel movies are.

Call Me Excellent (A Montero Review)

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Sai Kulkarni ‘23
Culture Editor

Lil Nas X is perhaps the most popular male artist right now, at least on the internet.[1] The Montero album has been highly anticipated. The EP he released in 2019 was just a taste of his excellent work, and one that I can only describe as a storytelling experience. Since then, he has blown up and found his own space as a leader in the TikTok era of music production. The singles on the Montero album kept up that trend. Not only is talking about his singles the best way to start, it’s the way Lil Nas X introduced this album.

Montero is more than worth a listen. Photo Courtesy of Columbia Records.

He seems to know his own popularity and wants to draw you in from the beginning. So MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name) is the first track on the list. What is left to say about this track that hasn’t already been said? His deep vocals are an excellent way to start a song and the clip of the music video available on the Spotify screen is an excellent view of the “controversial” music video.[2] I have nothing more to say about this track. If you haven’t heard it already, I am concerned for you. Spend less time in the library. Don’t get caught thinking that this is just upbeat hip-hop and tracks that you’ve already heard though. Lil Nas X cuts in next with Dead Right Now and brings you a taste of what the real motivation in this album is. The song is deep and he is trying to get you to hear his inner voice. The vibes really do get slowed down here, intentionally.

Don’t look now, though, as he snaps you back to attention with the second famous single: Industry Baby (ft. Jack Harlow). If you think my review is too laudatory (which I know many of you will), go watch or listen to any interview with Jack Harlow in the last month. The love he has for his fellow artist is out of this world and he makes sure you know it.[3] Those horns and the marching band backtrack make this song one for the ages. Once again, the music video is excellent and brings not only humor but social commentary on the stereotypes about gay men and general homophobic comments about the prison system.[4] From there, Lil Nas X provides what can only be called an experience. That’s What I Want is the best track on this album. Hands down. Even better than the singles we’ve already heard. If this song doesn’t make you smile and want to get up to dance, I am sorry but the Law School must have taken your soul already. The music video here is excellent, featuring what can only be described as a Terms of Service violation on most video streaming sites. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it.

Now it is time to get down to the actual content of this album. Lil Nas X throws all the popular, famous stuff at the top so that once you get this deep, you are all partied out. You’ve danced your energy away and are now able to hear what he wants to say. He begins with a short interlude of him talking, with an important call and response. Someone asks him if he’s happy and he responds “I’m not sure.” The next track, Scoop (ft. Doja Cat), begins immediately as he revises his response to “I’m sure.” This track has a bouncy beat and repetitive techno track covered by uniquely creative lyrics, like his explanation for his excellent body (pilates). The interaction between Lil Nas and Doja Cat flows well to give a good intro to this back half of the album, which is generally slower, more serious tracks.

As one of the most famous modern openly queer artists, Lil Nas X does not forget to include plenty of homages to the LGBTQ+ community. What better way than to include a track featuring one of the most famous queer artists of all time? Elton John comes in hot on the piano in his brief time on One of Me, a track where Lil Nas X is talking about how people don’t think he will last in the industry even if his album is okay. I think having a piano backing by one of the longest lasting artists in the industry is a great way to subtly punch back. I am going to skip ahead and levy my sole criticism of the album. I loved Dolla Sign Slime, especially the Megan Thee Stallion verse. But I think this should have been placed in the first half of the album. The song is all about bragging about riches and how they are dunking on others. We love those tracks. But it seems like an odd cut from the songs it’s surrounded by. Or maybe that’s on purpose to give you a break from being deep. Okay, I’m back to thinking he’s a genius, that’s smart.

Rather than talking about them individually, I want to discuss Lost in the Citadel, Tales of Dominica, Void, Don’t Want It, and Life After Salem together. Oh wait, isn’t Sun Goes Down in there too? It is, and it was the surprise third single on this album and released only a week before the album was released. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t know that, because I didn’t either. The thing is, all of these songs are about storytelling. A lost love, not accepting yourself, a first dive into producing, this segment of the album has it all. This is Lil Nas X just making music for himself and we are lucky to be experiencing it. Storytelling and expressing yourself are essential elements of music. He knows who he is and makes sure that you do too. The fame isn’t everything, as his inclusion of news clips about himself and the meta commentary on Don’t Want It make clear.

He closes the album the same way we all close out nights at Virg: with Miley Cyrus. Not only is her voice the perfect blend with Lil Nas but the sheer idea of having her on the track is amazing. These are two artists that have been in the public eye from a young age; not to mention their deeply criticized journeys with their own sexualities in music videos and live performances. The song is heartbreaking and deep, and the perfect way to cap off what is such an introspective album. Like the Montero album itself, Am I Dreaming, at first glance is a nice combination of famous artists and good beats. But looking just a bit deeper gives you a real look at what this extraordinary artist has experienced in his short and intense life.

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omk6cg@virginia.edu

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[1] See the records broken by “Old Town Road “and the title track of this album. Also all the TikTok trends.

[2] If in 2021 you still think the controversy of the video is more important than the message, I don’t know what to say to you.

[3] I am particularly fond of the ET interview in which Lil Nas X was trying to pull Harlow away before he said anything too “sus.” Suffice it to say, it did not work.

[4] Once again, it is 2021. Stop making “drop the soap” jokes. The prison system is bad enough without us stigmatizing prisoners even further.

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Sunset Series Review

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Sai Kulkarni ‘23
Culture Editor

Charlottesville provides many outstanding outdoor recreational activities between all of the trails, hiking, and wineries. One excellent limited-time opportunity over the past few months, though, has been the Sunset Series at Carter Mountain Orchard. With the last one coming up this Thursday, September 30, I wanted to take a look back at the event, review it, and encourage you to take advantage of it while it lasts. From great drinks and great views to awesome local eats and vibes, this experience is exactly what you need on a Thursday evening to kick off a great weekend.

Over the last year, there have been a dearth of opportunities to hang out with our fellow law students, but this is one event that provides not only a safe, outdoor environment to get to know all your fellow cool people, it also allows you to experience local culture. That all begins with the drive. Considering the location is about thirty minutes away from grounds and the main apartment complexes where we all live, it is guaranteed that you will spend some time on a long drive interacting with Charlottesville drivers. The merge onto I-64 gives you the opportunity to experience what it is like to be cut off by the excellent drivers that live here and their fantastic decision-making skills. Now this has nothing to do with Carter Mountain; I just couldn’t let the opportunity pass by to make some social commentary.

Back to the event. As soon as you park, you know you are in for a good time, from the string lights to the carefully cropped bushes to the smell of apples and general fall (which sets up perfectly for this week, considering temperatures are finally fall-level). As you walk in, it is very clear that they are trying to serve farm vibes and succeeding. The barn look with various fruits and baked goods set up for purchase are an instant draw. Once you get past the entrance area, you are greeted with the two food trucks for the week. The lines may seem long, but they move fast and it makes sense: everyone is trying to get a bite of the deliciously fried foods available. When you make it past this temptation, you are greeted with the main attraction.

If you make it early enough, you can get a spot on the deck where you are greeted by a live band. Live music is always a treat, and the bands are always making sure everyone is having a good time with a great tone set every week. The deck spot has the best view at the location and provides the prime spot to take those landscape Insta stories that we all love so much.[1] Great views are a major selling point at Carter Mountain, and I think after these last few months, that is exactly the kind of outdoor relaxation we all need.

If you are really early, you can grab one of the picnic tables available either on the grass slope itself or on the stone patio. The comfort mixed with the same great vibes make coming early a definite must. It also helps in the early part of the event when the giant umbrellas provide just the shade you need.[2] If you get there a little bit into the event, don’t forget your blanket because the grass is definitely a great spot to sit as well. No matter where you end up, it’s a great place to chill with your friends and watch the titular sunset over a magnificent view of the City of Charlottesville.[3] All this is without mentioning the amazing drink offerings in Carter Mountain Wine and our beloved Virginia Bold Rock Hard Cider. If nothing else has drawn you in, I hope that at least makes the sale.

All in all, the Sunset Series has been a great event to have for the last few months and I look forward to seeing if there is a spring version of the event next semester. All of you should take advantage of the last one this week if you can. I know I will; I haven’t made an Instagram post since September 18.[4]

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omk6cg@virginia.edu

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[1] Yes. This refers to me. Yes. I am basic. But follow me on insta anyways to see my posts and stories about Carter Mountain; my tag is @omkarlos (although many of you follow me already).

[2] Although as fellow Law Weekly members Jon Peterson, Clint Roscoe, and myself found out, it is incredibly hard to angle them so as to avoid the sun hitting everyone’s eyes.

[3] I’m not entirely sure if it is Charlottesville you are seeing. I worked for the Albemarle County Attorney this summer; I should know this place better.

[4] I know this seems recent, but I was popping out like two a week during Summer Series, so this was effectively a lifetime ago.

Donda: An Album So Long We Needed Two Reviewers

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Mason Pazhwak ‘23
Events Editor

“Donda..Donda..Donda…. Donda, Donda, Donda, Donda…..” The Donda Chant was a very appropriate introduction to Kanye West’s (Ye’s) tenth studio album, Donda, forecasting several of the record’s strengths and weaknesses. On the strong end, the Donda Chant and the songs that follow reaffirm Ye’s place as an artist with creative ability when it comes to his sonic choices. Hurricane comes to mind, with its rich sounds and abrupt shifts in tone, from The Weeknd’s reflective resonance to Lil Baby and Ye’s more classic verses. This is not to say that every song, or the album, was as strong as some of his previous works, but there was plenty that was interesting. There was also Ye’s ability as a producer to bring many other artists into a room together, and it was often some of his features that shined as opposed to himself.[1] Moon comes to mind, where Ye plays a small role, in a song that is a pleasure to listen to, with performances by Kid Cudi and Don Toliver.

This brings us to the album’s many weaknesses, which are, unfortunately, greater than its strengths. Using his deceased mother’s name on repeat to kick off the enterprise foreshadowed that the album would be thematically complex and perhaps involve some deep reflection on his mother and motherhood. However, the album fails to do this meaningfully, and instead is mainly dominated by overused themes that are self-aggrandizing to Ye himself. Indeed, the album constantly invokes faith and religious imagery when it does not at all feel like the artist practices what he preaches, though he may certainly think he does. Instead, it appears that many choices are designed to grab the listener’s attention with something that appears meaningful, only to have that pseudo-meaningful moment fall apart under deeper scrutiny. This, perhaps, keeps with Ye’s personality, and I could cite many parts of the album where there is nothing new under the sun. Finally, just as the name “Donda” is repeated perhaps a few too many times in the Donda Chant, so too does the album have a few too many songs, undercutting itself by its sheer length which includes a lot that feels unnecessary and, quite frankly, messy.

Dana Lake
Production Editor

I consider myself a Kanye fan, even after these last few tumultuous years. Kanye is one of few artists who I can put his whole discography on shuffle and continue to find new favorites or underappreciated verses. There are some albums that I had to listen to a few times before they grew on me,[2] but I always came around eventually. That is to say, I’m willing to put in the work. Music can be a two-way street, and sometimes the listener has to be an active participant.

I put in the work for Donda, and I still don’t really like it. Kanye has claimed his label Universal Music Group released the album without his permission[3] (after three listening parties allowed hundreds of fans and critics to listen to it), and I believe him. The album suffers from both too many songs and songs that are far too long.[4] Kanye’s real skill is his ability to edit, so the unfinished and hastily assembled feel of Donda is almost jarring. His big themes of being Black in America, the price of fame, and his complicated relationship with his faith and family are present here but without adding anything new or innovative.

You might wonder why he made this album at all, until you remember the music isn’t for us in any way that really matters. Kanye has the drive to create and share that talented people do (or maybe that’s where the talent comes from in the first place) but the substance of his work has always been deeply personal and self-motivated. The substance here, of course, is his reckoning with himself and God over his mother’s death in 2007. Dr. Donda West died from complications related to cosmetic surgeries made possible due to Kanye’s musical success—success he only achieved after ignoring her advice not to drop out of school. To say he has some unresolved issues relating to the whole awful ordeal is an understatement. While I wish there could have been some tracks similar to “Hey Mama,” a beautiful song dedicated to her on Late Registration that he wrote and performed while she was still alive, maybe that just isn’t possible for him anymore.

Holding massive listening parties in the middle of a pandemic and collaborating with known abusers (including, bafflingly, Chris Brown, though his verse was dropped from the final release) would be irresponsible no matter the outcome, but to go through all that for such a weak final product[5] is extra disappointing. Though he might not take advice from people less successful from him,[6] let’s hope someone intervenes before the next release.

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mwp8kk@virginia.edu
dl9uh@virginia.edu

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[1] I should note that several of the feature choices appear quite ill-conceived based on their behavior as people, and this point could easily be spun as a negative depending on the people focused on.

[2] See The College Dropout; See also Jesus is King

[3] https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-58383576

[4] As a choice sample pointed out in Kids See Ghosts: “I mean, you only want two and a half minutes.”

[5] “Come to Life” is a gem and worth listening to.

[6] See “No Mistakes” from 2018’s Ye

True Hoo Review of Local Hikes

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Connor Hutchins ‘22
Guest Writer

As a Double Hoo, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have been able to experience Charlottesville for as long as I have. From the breweries, vineyards, restaurants, you name it, C’ville is a special place. But for me, and hopefully for some of you, the best attraction in the area lies on the western horizon, that long and imposing line of rock known as the Blue Ridge.

Many a nascent hiking career begins and ends at Humpback Rock. While I have nothing against Humpback, and actually think it is a physically rewarding hike with great views on a clear day, I’ll pass it over for brevity’s sake because you’ve probably already been there. Below is a far from exhaustive list of great hikes you should experience before you leave this scenic corner of the world.

Photo Courtesy of Connor Hutchins ‘22

OLD RAG: If you are looking for a strenuous, upper and lower body intensive hike that you can brag about to your friends, you have to try your hand at Old Rag. While on the longer side (between eight and nine miles) and complete with a serious rock scramble at the top, this natural wonder is located in Shenandoah National Park, only about an hour away. I would recommend carrying a drawstring bag, because you’ll need all fours for this one.

HAWKSBILL: Located in the heart of Shenandoah National Park (you’ll have to pay an entry fee or get an annual pass), at 4,050 feet Hawksbill is the tallest mountain in Shenandoah National Park. Slightly strenuous on the uphill, and difficult on the downhill in pitch black darkness (which I have done), the view of the Shenandoah Valley to the west is incredible. Great for sunrises and sunsets, there is a rock shelter if you get caught in a major storm (I would know).

DARK HOLLOW FALLS: Also in Shenandoah National Park, at 1.4 miles this is not that difficult of a hike and the falls are well worth the trip. It is heavily trafficked, and you may have to wait your turn for that Nat Geo picture you want. Whatever the case, don’t try to climb the falls (I would know), there is usually a park ranger nearby to tell you to get down.

THE PRIEST: Just over an hour or so south of here lies what is locally known as the “Religious Range” along the Blue Ridge Parkway. Because it is not within Shenandoah Park, there is no fee to go here. The Priest is one of my favorite hikes in this area. Just getting to the trailhead involves driving up a winding fire road made of gravel (where it isn’t washed out by streams), and you can very easily be the only person on the trail to the summit, which I very much enjoy. The sunset views on the Priest are breathtaking, and the Appalachian Trail (AT) runs right by it.

SPY ROCK: With a trailhead literally across the way from The Priest trailhead, this hike seems interminable at first. You walk through woods for what seems like forever, but eventually you come across the granite dome of Spy Rock. After scrambling up this rock, you’ll get great 360-degree views of the Blue Ridge to the north and south, the Shenandoah Valley to the west, and the Virginia Piedmont sweeping down to the east. Also, Spy Rock is covered with cool moonscape looking craters, some filled with water (but don’t drink it, please).

Whatever you choose to do in the Blue Ridge, you really can’t go wrong. With so many natural beauties nearby, you don’t want to miss out on them before graduation.

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cmh6aa@virginia.edu

Review of Bar Review Bars

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Tonic

Anna Bninski ‘23
Executive Editor

To those willing to venture beyond the Downtown Mall, I recommend Tonic on East Market Street. The prior occupant of this cute space with a leafy adjacent courtyard was the Tin Whistle – when that Irish pub closed, I was bummed. I am now less bummed because Tonic serves up a tasty selection of cocktails, including a rotating seasonal G&T, as well as beer that is not exorbitantly expensive by Cville standards. 

           Tonic is an especially good option for folks hesitant about indoor hangs; the courtyard features a pleasant pavilion with its own bar. 

           The reservation system is a hassle. Ergo, I have avoided using it; thus far that has worked out for me. Being a little off the beaten track, Tonic is generally lively but not packed. 

Rating: 20/20 juniper berries[1]

The Biltmore

Jonathan Peterson ’23
Satire Editor & Photographer

So I went to Bilt once and it was the first and only time a guy slapped my ass in a bar. I can’t say that the experience was enjoyable, but the bar itself served as more of a positive slap on the ass, done by one you love and respect, and not some random guy whose name you don’t know. Unfortunately for me, when I arrived it was late in the night, and I’d reached my “okay maybe just two more” limit. As such, I experienced relatively few of the drinks Bilt has to offer.

            However, a friend did order an intriguingly-blue drink: the trash can. Sure, I felt like a can of trash the next morning, but this drink was anything but. However, I’m not sure I’d suggest it for a Bar Review. It felt like more of an “I’m a happy undergrad with a full life ahead of me” drink than the “I am a law student, you can fill in the rest” beverage that I anticipate drinking when I finally experience the true trials and tribulations of Bar Review.

Rating: 3.74+ ass-slaps out of 5

Crozet Pizza

Sai Kulkarni ’23
Culture Editor

I can’t think of a better spot than Crozet Pizza as a spot for Bar Review. Live music or DJs depending on the night, actual food, and spots to both sit and dance on tables. Bar Review (I’ve heard) is an experience meant to be open for all law students. Crozet allows the olds to sit and eat, the youths to dance, and the in betweens to spend 30 minutes trying to get a single pitcher at the bar. Can you ask for anything better? I don’t think so. Crozet is like the older brother of Bilt, with the same outdoor resources but without the wild energy that comes with a bar that serves only as a pregame to Virg. You absolutely have to love a place that allows you to dance on the actual roof. Crozet, much like Ryan Reynolds, is the complete package and offers everything that a person looking for a good time needs. 

Rating: 36 Montana Tomatoes out of 41

Miller’s Downtown

Jack Brown ’23
Staff Editor

Miller’s is the best place to end a night out on the downtown mall. A narrow space off of Main Street, you can expect amazing service, a great drink list and of course the best chicken tenders in the city. 

            But what really makes Miller’s an unforgettable dive is its vintage aesthetic, with both its ground floor bar and second floor dining area evoking the feeling of a forgotten corner of New York instead of a town in the middle of rural Virginia. 

            This vibe is accentuated every Wednesday and Thursday with the return of live Jazz at 8pm. The bands that perform are universally wonderful and help complete the Miller’s experience. 

            For those looking for a mellow spot to wind down the night, you cannot do better than Miller’s, though you may run into med students there which is the only knock against this important Charlottesville establishment. 

Rating: 520 Chicken Tenders out of 528

Random Row Brewing Co.

Phil Tonseth ‘22
Editor-in-Chief

Some people like running. More people like beer. A few people like combining both. Random Row offers the opportunity for those few people who like both! Every Monday, the Random Row Run Club begins their group run around 6PM for a 5K jog near Preston Avenue. After (or as long as you run the 5K between 4:30 and 9), all are invited back to Random Row to receive discounted beers and run club gear!

            For those of you who may just like to drink, Random Row is also a v chill drinking spot near Vinegar Hill and Kardinal Hall. Offering both indoor and outdoor seating, plus a wide variety of brews, RR is one of my favorite spots to kick back. Plus, it’s doggo friendly and hosts a variety of food trucks!

Rating: Will Ferrell said don’t drink milk after running, drink beer; so a 178 LSAT score.

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amb6ag@virginia.edu
jkb6d@virginia.edu
omk6cg@virginia.edu
jtp4bw@virginia.edu
pjt5hm@virginia.edu

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[1] Disclosure: Tonic is also walking distance from my apartment, which could absolutely potentially bias me in its favor.

Downtown's Maru Restaurant Worth Checking Out

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Dana Lake ‘23
Production Editor

If you are a person who has had roommates your whole life, the transition to living alone can be a bit jarring. This is especially true for folks in long-distance relationships. Sharing a living space with other people does more than keep the sink full of dishes and lower the rent—it keeps you accountable to a certain standard of behavior. You can’t be too weird and still maintain a successful roommate situation. Living alone, you are accountable to no one. The great freedom to be as unhinged as you want in the privacy of your own home is mitigated only by the knowledge you are making the hurdle back to normalcy higher with every day that passes. This is a realization I had recently when visiting my partner over the summer.

Pictured: Some Truly Delicious Food. Photo Courtesy of Author, Who Totally Embarrassed Herself to Take it like Some Wannabe Influencer, so Please Appreciate the Effort.

When I left for school, we were comfortably within the vanilla rain sounds population, falling asleep to the sounds of gentle rain and the occasional roll of far-off thunder. Things escalated quickly in the fall semester without his temperance. Gentle rain sounds became rain on tin roofs, became rain in the jungle with birds cawing and monkeys howling, became howling snowstorms. By the spring, I’d moved onto the sounds of coffee shops. Finally, my night time white noise radicalization brought me to Korean street food videos, where for the last five months the repetitive sounds of chopping and deep frying have mixed with the noise of crowds and customers to produce the perfect ambient noise to fall asleep to. Or at least it’s perfect if you have followed your own escalating ambient noise progression, which my partner had not. Rather than soothing, he found the videos jarring, and the irregular noises distracting instead of blending together into one great comforting blanket. We switched back to regular rain sounds.

You might be thinking to yourself at this point, wow. This is the worst restaurant review I’ve ever read. This writer ought to run a recipe blog if she’s so willing to overshare personal details that no one asked for before getting to the real content. And while those thoughts might hurt my feelings, they aren’t wrong. The point of all that background is to say, I have been dreaming of Korean street food both literally and figuratively for months. When the chance to try Maru came up, I had to seize the opportunity. Maru is a modern take on traditional Korean food, with a great location on the downtown mall. I ate outside and enjoyed some people watching while our food was prepared, but the indoor dining also looked great with comfy booths and a big open kitchen. It’s a great place for a group outing or a date, with very reasonable prices.

For appetizers, we ordered the Kimchi Jeon, a delicious kimchi and scallion pancake. This food can get spicy if you aren’t used to Asian cooking, but there are plenty of safer options like the pork dumplings, which come deep fried and perfectly crisp. For entrees, there is a lot to choose from, ranging from the amazing Korean fried chicken to the tteokbokki I ordered (and highly recommend). The spicy red soup runs the gamut on chopstick skill levels, from the easy-to-grab rice cakes that act like sponges for the delicious broth, to the master level hard-boiled egg and melted mozzarella. If no one at your table orders a chef’s special which comes with the daily banchan, make sure to ask for it. The servings of kimchi and various pickled vegetables and salads are worth adding on. Finally, don’t miss out on the house made sodas. The yuzu citrus soda came very fresh with candied citrus peels—the perfect drink for a warm summer evening.

Maru is worth checking out. If you can resist the urge to slip the very cute reusable metal chopsticks into your purse on the way out, you may even be able to visit twice. Send your restaurant recommendations or places around Charlottesville you think everyone should try before graduation to dl9uh@virginia.edu.

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dl9uh@virginia.edu

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Summer Series in Review

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Sai Kulkarni ‘23
Culture Editor

Does every article I write have to begin with a reference to You-Know-What? I hope not and remain positive that this will be the last one. But like someone unable to get over a breakup, everything I talk about tends to include a reference to That-Which-Sucks. Anyways! This last year sucked. Plain and simple. There was no social scene, and for good reason. The Class of 2023 missed out on all the great things that our predecessors had, such as Dandelion, Bar Review, and most of all, Feb Club. What everyone who stayed here for the summer got, though, was Summer Series. This was 29 days of partying in the month of June, organized by our now-disappeared alumni of the Class of 2021, given the fact that a lot of people were working virtually and decided to stay in Charlottesville.

Now if you talk to any of the alumni, I’m sure some of them will tell you that the event was organized for their own sake as a last hurrah before taking the Bar. I choose to believe the interpretation I was told frequently: it was to give my class a real taste of law school. It brought people together, got us outta the house, and introduced us to some stalwarts of Charlottesville culture. With all that introduction out of the way, it’s time to talk details. The most important part of hosting a party is always the guest list. Locations change, plans adapt, but you have to meet your desired turnout level. The illustrious organizers chose to create an open invite GroupMe with a few of them as admins. Of course, there was no way for this to get out of hand (*cough* med students *cough*), but between alumni Nicole, Sam, Danny, Ines, Will, Josh, and one of my closest friends’ boyfriend (I think his name starts with a Z?), they managed to get a massive crew together and get the party started.

Did you notice how even after I said “all that introduction out of the way,” I kept giving background? Yes, of course my summer job liked my writing, how dare you insinuate otherwise. Anyway! The Summer Series was kicked off by a toga party at a specially opened Bilt where there were epic speeches, creative outfits (especially by our benevolent overlord at the Law Weekly), and good vibes. It set the tone for a large, inclusive event and introduced me to my favorite place in the city. The ball kept rolling that week with a Pav pool party featuring a rare appearance by our beloved Stan.

The one event I missed involved a wedding and a bachelor party but I’m sure that the happy couple is off in Croatia honeymooning in peace. That’s just a taste, so you can imagine that the events that followed were great as well. Rather than running through each remaining event, let’s talk highlights. By far the best event was Bar Golf. In a creative rebranding of the traditional bar crawl, this involved a game based on points for tasks completed at each location. It was a great way to introduce a lot of Corner classics and brought everyone together on the same task. As one of the few present from the first to the last location, it was a crash course in unique places and seeing people cut loose.

There were, of course, plenty of house parties hosted by various people, celebrating everything from birthdays to the color of the moon. Different people also got the chance to host themed events like Paige and Brian’s 1L party and Ines and Jennie’s goth party. If you want to learn how to make everyone feel like a participant in the party process, the Summer Series Admins were teaching a master class. 

While I think each of these events were awesome, I think the real stars were the people. At the end of the day, this is law school, people have strong personalities, and that can cause conflict. But despite all of that, people from all three classes (plus some med students that snuck in) came together for a common purpose: to get lit. That’s really beautiful to me. Everyone was so open to partying hard together that it gave me hope in a time like law school when hope is anathema. I am optimistic that a lot of the new friendships formed this summer will stay for a while. I know that this year will mean a return to usual events. But the legacy of a project created by a few enterprising law school graduates through Summer Series will last for a while (especially on my Instagram profile). 

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omk6cg@virginia.edu

The Green Knight: Reviewed and Recommended

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Will Holt ‘23
Reviews Editor

Generally speaking, I concur with Bilbo Baggins’s assertion in The Fellowship of the Ring that “[i]t is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life.” This character trait, however, was not the product of spontaneous creativity; J.R.R. Tolkien molded the worthy hobbit's worldview so as to reflect his own. A reader of Tolkien’s works may thus intuit the bard’s own perceptions of life rather easily by looking to the relationships and philosophy of his beloved shirelings. 

            Although I hope this analysis proves informative to prospective visitors of Middle Earth, I do not present it for purposes merely educational in nature. Rather, the aim of its provision and my notation of a related congruence with my own beliefs is to convey that I typically do not find psychedelic, experimental, or otherwise bizarre films to be particularly enjoyable (cast me as a plebeian if you will, but ethical journalism mandates honesty). I often find them to be half-baked efforts of half-talented artists clinging to the delusion that, by offending contemporary tastes to a sufficient degree, they will somehow earn the commendation of future generations. David Lowery, however, bucks this preconception with his film The Green Knight. In a remarkable fashion, he manages to push the definition of the word “trippy” to new boundaries while simultaneously doing yeoman's service to the original Arthurian legend. To those amongst my readership who have read or heard the story of Sir Gawain, the film’s discipline in avoiding typical Hollywood excesses will prove refreshing. To suspense junkies in love with thrillers or horror movies, the sphincter-clenching experience of watching the young knight struggle to drag himself over each and every hurdle shall offer nothing but sardonic pleasure. And finally, to my readers who indulge in the fruits of illicit horticulture, be prepared to trip major [spherical objects]. In short, the film is a wild ride, especially when viewed in theaters. 

            Lowery’s greatest achievement with The Green Knight is his deft balancing of surrealism and realism. He takes full advantage of the traditional mythology to construct mind-bending imagery that combines the story’s magical elements with a gritty and surprisingly authentic portrayal of medieval life (e.g. no knights clad shiny plate, just dirty ole’ chainmail). The design and temperament of the Green Knight himself may be the most striking piece. Verdant as a jungle and merciless as a wild animal, he embodies the might and brutality of nature, forcing Gawain to check his courage at every stage of his journey. To summarize my point, one cannot look away whenever this chaotic force appears on screen. 

            Unfortunately, however, this film is not perfect. Most importantly, I found Gawain himself to be rather flat, failing to develop as richly as in the original fable. I do not blame Dev Patel for this problem directly; it lay in the fact that the plot provided him with little opportunity to embody the chivalric elements which the Green Knight actually challenges. Gawain begins his adventure as an uncentered and uncertain youth, and he ends it in very much the same state. Fortunately for Patel and Lowery, this movie stands as one of the exceptional few that offers supporting elements of sufficient strength to compensate for such a major flaw in the protagonist’s ark. As a result, I can nevertheless recommend it without guilt to all of my readers with an open-mind and a bit of nerve. However, should you choose to join Gawain in his adventure, be sure to mind your head; you may lose it on the way. 

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wjh4ew@virginia.edu

The Definitive Rec List: Charlottesville Wineries

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Grace Tang ‘21
Ousted Foreign Correspondent

Charlottesville is a wine lover’s dream. The city is right in the middle of the famous Virginia wine trail with numerous award-winning vineyards within easy access. Full disclosure, I am not a big wine connoisseur, but I really enjoy visiting the different vineyards and learning about the history and people behind each winery. I highly recommend doing a wine tasting at each winery, because it provides a sampling of different wines available, and it can help narrow down favorite wine options at that location. Winery views are usually gorgeous, and the drive to the winery is usually beautiful, since wineries are often located in the Virginia countryside. As Ernest Hemingway once pointed out, “Wine offers a greater range for enjoyment and appreciation than possibly any other purely sensory thing which may be purchased."

I think going to a local winery is wonderful, because you can learn about the winemaking process while drinking wine made from locally grown grapes, and support a local business. Additionally, a winery offers a lovely place to gather outside with friends and relax while enjoying nature and lovely scenery. It is also perfect for socially distant get-togethers. Whether you are a seasoned sommelier or trying your first winery, I hope this list of recommendations helps you plan the perfect vineyard adventure.

We drink wine for sophisticated, Nobel Laureate reasons. No ulterior motives here. Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Chisholm Vineyards

I could not have written this article without the help of my favorite wine specialist. Huge thanks to my wine expert Natasha Halloran ’21 for her advice and tips.

Overall Wine Selection – Thatch Winery

1650 Harris Creek Rd, Charlottesville, VA 22902

            Thatch Winery has it all. With over a dozen wines made from over eleven grape varietals, this winery produces a broad spectrum of delicious wines. This is the one winery where I have consistently enjoyed every type of wine offered. Thatch has wonderful floral and crisp whites, and a delicious, fruity house red with bright flavors. They have a number of award-winning wines available to sample as a wine flight or by the glass. All of Thatch’s flights are fantastic, and they offer a sweet flight, a white flight, red flight, and their medal-winning flight. There is ample seating out front or in the back of the building, and the staff are very knowledgeable and helpful. Thatch also offers snacks, cheese boards, and chocolate for purchase along with wine.

Spring is for softball and wine flights. Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Thatch Winery

Red Flight – Chisholm Vineyards

135 Clan Chisholm Ln, Earlysville, VA 22936

            Chisholm Winery is located close to the airport and I recommend visiting on Friday evenings in the summer as they have live music and food trucks. Chisholm offers great flight options and their reds are particularly good. They also have special flights depending on the season, which are worth checking out.

Supplemental award for best photo of the edition, awarded to Garce Tang for her attention to detail. Even the phone case matches! Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Chisholm Vineyards

Stunning Views and Spacious Seating – Mount Ida Winery

5600 Moonlight Dr, Scottsville, VA 24590

            Mount Ida is absolutely gorgeous. They offer lots of seating outdoors, with a breathtaking view of the mountains. I recommend visiting on a weekend because the bar offers a rotating selection of wine-based cocktails. I tried the berry pomegranate mimosa made with bubbly white wine and it was very good. There are fire pits around the outdoor seating and rooftop seating is available. Mount Ida also offers a large selection of food along with craft beer.

A mountain sunset just before the fire pits are lit. Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Mount Ida Winery

Best Eats – Pippin Hill Winery

5022 Plank Rd, North Garden, VA 22959

            Pippin Hill is a Charlottesville classic. Located only 15 minutes from the law school, it is one of the closest winery options. If you want table seating, I highly recommend making a reservation well in advance because they get very busy. Otherwise, bring a picnic blanket and enjoy the views of the rolling hills while enjoying a glass of wine. While the wine at Pippin is good, I think their food is the real star of the show. Pippin has an excellent food menu, and my personal favorites are the beef sliders and the burrata pesto. 

Come for the wine, stay for the finger foods and sunshine. Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Pippin Hill Winery.

Best Chocolate and Wine Pairing – Glass House Winery

5898 Free Union Rd, Free Union, VA 22940

            Glass House offers lovely views indoors and out, along with their house-made fancy chocolates. What more could you ask for? Like its name suggests, Glass House has an indoor greenhouse area full of tropical plants, and seating outside overlooking the lake. The winery has an in-house chocolatier that makes amazing fancy chocolates to go with the wine (that is literally the coolest). They have wonderful wine and chocolate pairings for purchase, and you can buy the glasses (both stemless and stemmed) for only a few dollars which make for perfect souvenirs. Pro tip: order their sweet wines as an add on to an existing chocolate-wine pairing. They are excellent.

Plants in a greenhouse, chocolate in fancy boxes, wine in jello-shot cups. This place gets us. Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Glass House Winery

Polo Match and Picnicking – King Family Vinyard

6550 Roseland Farm, Crozet, VA 22932

            King Family is famous for its beautiful views, great wines, and weekend polo matches. King Family hosts food trucks, live music, and polo matches throughout the year. The polo matches start at the end of May and run through mid-October on Sundays. I think King Family is a great place to take family or friends who are visiting Charlottesville because the wine tastings are great and the Sunday polo matches are a unique and memorable experience. It’s a beautiful sight to see horses dash across the field against the backdrop of the Blue Ridge Mountains.

Best Sweet White and Mansion Ruins – Barboursville Vineyard

17655 Winery Rd, Barboursville, VA 22923

            Barboursville winery has my favorite sweet white wine in town: their Phileo. It’s floral and sweet, with hints of honeysuckle, which pairs well with cheese. Barboursville Vineyard features a fantastic (and spacious) tasting room, lined with stocked shelves of local foods and products. The building has a rustic feel, filled with big barrels and wood paneling. The vineyard is also home to Palladio Restaurant, which serves up excellent local food. Additionally, the Barboursville Ruins are only a few hundred yards away from the vineyards. In 1884, a Christmas Day fire destroyed the brick mansion designed by Thomas Jefferson for his friend James Barbour who was an American lawyer, governor of Virginia, senator, and Secretary of War.

Wine and dine with history. Photo courtesy of: Grace Tang '21 at Barboursville Vineyard.

“Sick of Grapes?” Special Mention – Hill Top Berry Farm and Winery

2800 Berry Hill Rd, Nellysford, VA 22958

            Hill Top Berry Farm and Winery offers a fun and interesting alternative to the traditional grape wines. Their winery features meads and alternative fruit wines with names such as Pounding Branch Persimmon, Dragon’s Blood, Eden, Blue Heeler, and Madison Peach Sangria. Hill Top is currently offering $5 flights that can be paired with cheese and honey. Definitely give them a try if you’re looking for something new!

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gt5ay@virginia.edu

Farewell Chicken Sandwich Review: 2 Crappy BJ's and McDonald's

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Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor

I am sitting in the McDonald’s parking lot questioning my choices. Why on earth did I agree to write this article? Why would I choose to try the McDonald’s chicken sandwich, the forbidden fruit, that which I had promised to never review ever? I look away—the parking lot is relatively empty on this Easter Sunday. All the better, for I am about to do that which is most unholy—consume a McDonald’s chicken sandwich. I think about my personal life decisions one more time and dive in.

            But before I commit that act of terror on my body, I want to discuss my past chicken sandwich articles. Given the current climate, I think it is incredibly healthy to go back and review all of the jokes I have made that were funny at the time and apologize for them now. So without further ado, I would like to apologize for the following jokes.

            On The Whiskey Jar using a FRENCH Brioche Bun: “Folks, I haven’t seen appropriation like this since Ruth Bader Ginsburg stole Barry Goldwater’s glasses.”

            On The Fitzroy using two fried chicken thighs: “getting a pair of thighs covered in honey and hot sauce to the face is not exactly a good time.”

            And I also apologize for rating Chick-fil-A number one in my previous rankings. Please see the updated rankings below for the revised number.

BJ’s

            We find ourselves at BJ’s Taphouse. The name alone should clue you in that this is going to be invariably disappointing. Is there nothing more depressing than a corporate taphouse? Not good enough to be a corporate steakhouse (see Tim Dillon corporate steakhouse), not bad enough to be a Five Guys or something similar to that. No, the corporate taphouse is possibly the most depressing version of Americana there is. BJ’s represents it through and through. The 140+ items on the menu tell you “God is dead and we won’t spend time doing any one thing right, but we’ll just throw the kitchen sink at your fat mouths and see what lands.” Meanwhile, the place is dark and cold in the middle of the day, which to me is the opposite of what a taproom should be.

            Never mind that, however. I got their classic chicken sandwich, which has fried chicken, honey mustard,[1] lettuce, tomatoes, and dill pickles, on a toasted parker house bun. This is, indeed, a classic version of a chicken sandwich, widely recognized by many. It’s the equivalent of someone trying to sing words to a song they only kind of know, or Libel students trying to be funny. It’s almost there, but off in every way. This was a crude imitation of the real thing and lives up to the BJ’s brand completely. If you want “good enough,” if you think that is all we are as Americans,[2] I recommend this.

The bun stinks, the pickles were tasteless, and iceberg lettuce, the polyester of vegetables, should only be used when absolutely necessary. I rate this a 75/140+ items on the menu. Onto the next BJ.

The Southern Comfort BJ

            As if the classic fried chicken sandwich wasn’t enough—and it never is at BJ’s (140+ menu items)—they have decided to place smoked ham, applewood smoked bacon, creamy alfredo, swiss cheese, and Dijon mayonnaise on top of their fried chicken sandwich as well. What began as an innocent exercise in imitating a classic has turned into a nightmare of unnatural cultural fusions that were born of greed and a corporate desire to capitalize on the nostalgic tastelessness of the average American consumer. We deserve this. This is who we are, at the end of the day.

            Much like being a law student during a pandemic, where you are asking yourself “Am I really paying for this?” and then you continue doing so anyways, the Southern Comfort BJ is there for you to give up on fighting for something better. Who are you to question the opaque decisions of a BJ’s corporate conference room where the menu is decided, or the UVA administration’s many opaque decisions over the past year? Nobody, that’s who. Eat your sandwich and be glad you get anything at all. I rate this a one vaccine out of two doses.

McDonald’s

            With that out of the way, I will review the McDonald’s chicken[3] sandwich. It sat there in my car, and I looked at it. But as I brought it to my mouth, the Holy Spirit came over me and caused me to throw it in the trash. “Man was not meant to eat McChickens,” it said to me. I cried out of happiness, for I had been saved from the evils of the McChicken, and all of its cursed ingredients. Let this be a warning for all those who read this—God did not intend for the McChicken to happen. It is an abomination.

Final Final Rankings:

Chick-fil-A

Taste:  66/66 books of the Bible

Problematicness:  None—one-way ticket to heaven

Godliness: 1000% (see I told you I revised the rankings).

The Fitzroy:

Taste:  9.1/10

Problematicness:  9.1/10

Michael’s Bistro:

Taste:  177/180 LSAT

Problematicness:  3.54 GPA

Iron Paffles:

Taste:  173/180 Press Freedom Index

Problematicness:  147/180 (still very high!)

Whiskey Jar

Taste:  10/12 eggs

Problematicness (Brioche tastiness): 47/50 freedom fries

Draft Taproom:

Taste:  Louis XII/Louis XVI

Problematicness:  Louis XVI/Louis XVI

Zinburger

Taste:  3.5/5 stars (Southwest airlines food rating)

Problematicness:  3.5/5 stars (Id.)

BJ’s Classic fried chicken

Taste:  75/140+ items on the menu

Problematicness:  Just eat it

BJ’s Southern Comfort

Taste: 1 vaccine dose out of 2

Problematicness: Id.

Cookout

Taste:  163 LSAT

Problematicness:  Tune in next week!

McDonald’s (unranked)

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dac6jk@virginia.edu

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[1] I tasted mayo.

[2] And you can absolutely be sure that is all we are.

[3] Spoiler alert:  this isn’t chicken. 

Mason Reviews: Cobra Kai, Season One

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Mason Pazhwak ‘23
Events Editor

Last semester, while scrolling aimlessly through Netflix’s colorful tiles to put off my ever-growing list of 1L reading, a show called Cobra Kai caught my eye. After doing some preliminary research, I found out that the show involved martial arts (a personal plus for me) and had originally come out in 2018 on YouTube Red, but had been re-released on Netflix in June 2020. Moreover, I saw that it was a reboot of The Karate Kid universe, whose founding film was a classic of the 1980s that maintained its relevance into my remembered childhood years of the late 1990s and early 2000s.

I really enjoyed the action, acting, and messages of the original film while growing up, and I was also OK with the 2010 remake. However, I was skeptical of yet another revival, with the overall frequency of disappointing adaptations and the corniness of many new shows that involve the lives of teenagers, which Cobra Kai also purported to do. Yet curiosity got the better of me, especially when I saw that many actors from the original 1980s movie were reprising their roles. I sat down to watch the first season over winter break and was surprised, and very satisfied, by what I found. While it was sometimes predictable, clichéd, and over-the-top, season one of Cobra Kai was ultimately nostalgic, fresh, funny, and highly engaging. It had an interesting premise, a well-developed story, compelling characters, and solid writing, along with sometimes hilarious, highly quotable dialogue. Moreover, it managed to be both an adult and teen comedy-drama, successfully navigating both worlds without becoming unrelatable to either. In sum, it was great entertainment combined with martial arts. Turn it on and prepare for flying fists, torts, foul language, and a story that will stay with you after the last episode. (Read on for a brief synopsis and commentary that avoids spoilers.)

While season one of Cobra Kai can easily be enjoyed on its own merits, it is certainly a continuation, and reexamination, of the original film The Karate Kid. The 1984 movie followed sixteen-year-old Daniel LaRusso (played by Ralph Macchio) and his unhappy move from Newark, New Jersey, to Los Angeles, California, initiated by his single, working mother. After being beaten by the rich, karate-wielding bully Johnny Lawrence (played by William Zabka) for his overtures to mutual love interest Ali Mills (played by Elisabeth Shue), Daniel is taken under the wing of his apartment complex’s reclusive handyman, Okinawan immigrant Mr. Miyagi (played by Pat Morita). Mr. Miyagi becomes a mentor to Daniel, teaching him karate and life lessons that drive the movie’s plot.

Now in the show, both Daniel and Johnny (played by their original actors) are back as fifty-something-year-old men in contemporary (pre-pandemic) Los Angeles, California. Their places in life, and Californian culture, have changed radically from their days of 1980s teen rivalry.The show starts with Johnny, who is now a washed-up, bitter man muddling through a society that he has not kept up with. After getting in a fight to defend a bullied teen named Miguel Diaz (played by Xolo Maridueña) who lives in his apartment complex and losing his car in an accident, Johnny harnesses the considerable forces of his politically incorrect worldview--that is, macho values--and the chip-on-his shoulder against the now very successful Daniel to try and turn his life around by opening a karate dojo. He names it after the 1980s dojo, Cobra Kai, where he was trained, reviving its motto of “Strike first, strike hard, no mercy,” and so sets the stage for the story.

From the get-go, the show not only follows the narrative of Johnny’s new lease on life as an anti-hero, but also reexamines the story of the original The Karate Kid by exploring events from Johnny’s perspective. While the original film was black and white in its portrayal of the good-guy Daniel and his virtuous teacher versus the bad-guy Johnny and his evil teacher, Cobra Kai tries for greater complexity, and acknowledges shades of gray. It digs into Johnny’s life and background, and how he perceived Daniel’s arrival at his school during his teen years. While it certainly does not attempt to absolve Johnny of responsibility for any of his behavior, the show does an excellent job of making him a more complete and redemptive character. In doing so, it implicitly reflects on storytelling generally and is a reminder that there are always two sides to any narrative, and perception will often be based on where one stands. The character of Daniel is not spared from this, and he also becomes a more complete and complex character as the show progresses.

Cobra Kai is also a show that follows teens and adults interacting both together and amongst each other in modern America. It portrays issues faced by both groups related to family, bullying, internet culture, substance abuse, poverty, generational and ideological divides, immigration, and diversity and inclusion. While the show never gets too serious, it does give a perspective on many of these subjects, and often pokes fun at where our society was before the advent of the COVID-19 era. It questions conventional tropes around teens and youth culture, is subversive to some modern narratives about where youth are going, and deeply explores the positive and negative roles older generations can play as teachers and mentors. Yet, no matter how one might see the world, Cobra Kai, aside from its pure entertainment value, does have something interesting to say about our society.

The Verdict: Season one of Cobra Kai is a martial arts comedy-drama that inverts narratives and provides thoughtful commentary while remaining highly entertaining and eminently bingeable. It is worth checking out for law students of all ages.

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Mwp8kk@virginia.edu

Music Review: Break Beats E.P., The Justice System

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Will Palmer ‘21
Special Projects Editor

I’ve never written a music review before, apart from my blog series on Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen, so I went on over to Pitchfork to see how the professionals do it. Turns out all you need is a thesaurus, self-confidence, and, ideally, ears. I’ve got two out of the three, so things should work out fine. Let me get myself another delicious malt beverage and we’ll get started.

Alright, I’m back. Do you ever think about how many beers you’ve had in your life? Like, total? Because I just did, and I sincerely wish I hadn’t. I didn’t recycle more than 20% of those bottles.

Yikes.

The lesson I’m taking from this is that I should switch to liquor, and probably also get my liver checked out.

Where was I? Ah, right. Crushing this word count. Did you guys know that Beluga whales can understand sign language? I have no idea if that’s true or not, but it’s plausible. Making up facts is fun. That’s why so many members of Congress do it.

Moving on. Before I got distracted with whale facts (as one is wont to do), I was introducing my review of The Justice System’s Break Beats E.P., released on February 1st of this year. I’m sure the members of the group are extremely pleased that I spent 200 words rambling about classical opera cycles and glass recycling before I got to talking about their album. That’s my bad. I’m like Mozart with a piano: Sometimes, I just gotta play. Or maybe that was Beethoven. You know what I mean.

Break Beats follows in the footsteps of Pardon Our Execution, released in October 2020. Beats effectively builds upon the foundation laid in Pardon, presenting a mix of social critiques and ruminations on life as a modern law student. While much of the commentary found in the E.P. is presented in the guise of comedy, the lyrics have an insightful, raw edge that seizes the listener’s attention and refuses to let go.

A cursory Google search informed me that the doctrine of fair use permits the use of copyrighted material as a vehicle for criticism or commentary to the public, which is pretty legit. Looks like the cats in TJS are safe from the long, uh, arm of the law–for this, at least.

I should note that the Break Beats E.P. may not be appropriate for all audiences; those of a certain political persuasion may get their proverbial undergarments in a twist (particularly regarding the mildly incendiary lyrics of Revenge on the Red Bench). If you listen to the Break Beats E.P. and begin to feel defensive, immediately go to the nearest phone and call the whambulance.  Tipper Gore will be there in minutes.

Jet Setting and J Termin’ sets a relaxed tone that makes the E.P. easy to sink into–it’s the type of song you’d put on and catch yourself bobbing your head to while driving. The rapport between Promissory Illstoppel and 12(b)(6) creates a playful back-and-forth that adds to the immersive nature of the track; the listener almost feels like they’re in a conversation with the artists.

Revenge on the Red Bench is sure to be the most hotly-debated Justice System track to date. I won’t spoil any of the song’s hilarious and hard-hitting critiques, but rest assured that it’s not something you’d want your Trump-supporting uncle to listen to. Unless you want to fight him.

The third track, Post-Finals Wine, shifts gears to present a more melancholic reflection on end-of-finals emotional ennui. It’s a song that’s both relatable and an excellent thematic counterbalance to the comical sensibilities of Jet Setting and Ten Rules of Zoom School.

Ten Rules of Zoom School rounds out the E.P. with a return to TJS’ roots in law-school-centric satire. I quite enjoyed it–in fact, I’ve played it more than any other track on the album save Revenge – but your mileage may vary depending on your fondness for remote learning and/or the Notorious B.I.G.

I guess I’m a music critic now, so here are my (limited) criticisms. I think that Jet Setting could have used a shorter intro, given that it already follows a disclaimer track. While I’d never claim to be an expert, I did think that there were some occasional issues with sound mixing, which made a few lines difficult to understand. I find this to be entirely forgivable, though, given that TJS produced the album remotely over winter break during a pandemic. There are one or two lines from the E.P. that I can think of wherein the expression of the song’s message came at the detriment of a consistent lyrical flow–but the punchlines hit so well that I barely noticed (and I’m writing a review of the thing).

I’m pleased to say that the Break Beats E.P. is well worth a listen. It succeeds not only as an entertaining rap album, but also as a vehicle for meaningful discussion and contemplation of real issues, both societal and personal.

The Justice System is dedicated to making the Break Beats E.P. totally free—send a DM to @the.justice.system on Instagram to get a copy of your own.

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wtp7bq@virginia.edu

Seekers Solve Romanov Mystery: A Valentine’s Day Puzzle Review

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Sam Pickett ‘21
Columns Editor

Background: Coming up on the one year anniversary of COVID,[1] my girlfriend and I are still looking for new ways to entertain ourselves during quarantine. We’ve been to Charlottesville’s wineries and breweries, we’ve watched countless movies, and we’ve even seen the entirety of Sex and City.[2] And so as Valentine’s Day arrived and snow fell on the ground, we found a solution to our problem on TikTok: a Finders Seekers mystery box. The box promised “abundant cryptic clues and puzzles to get your heart racing and brain ticking.” Intrigued, we purchased the “St. Petersburg Russia” mystery, where we would help solve a hundred-year-old mystery surrounding the royal Romanov family and their well-guarded secret.

Description: The puzzle opens with a letter describing our task. According to legend, Russian princess Anastasia secretly escaped her family’s captors in 1918 and evaded execution, becoming the only surviving member of the royal Romanov family. A group of Romanov relatives had a family relic, an antique box, that they believed would reveal Anastasia’s secret location. To open the box, they contacted the “Society of Seekers,” of which we are now members.

            And so we were transported, via my MacBook Air, to St. Petersburg, Russia, where we would have to solve a series of ten puzzles. For each puzzle we solved, we received an animal and a gemstone that would later help us discover the numbers needed to open the mysterious box. The puzzles varied in difficulty and in form. In one, we had to cut out designs in a dress pattern to reveal the answer. In another, we had to analyze a program for “Swan Lake” to find a hidden message. Over the course of the ten puzzles, however, we were able to use almost every method of puzzle-solving that I had seen in a movie. I felt like I was in the DaVinci Code.

Pictured: The contents of a Romanov Mystery Box. Photo Courtesy of Sam Pickett '21.

Review: All in all, the puzzle took us about two hours. Finders Seekers was supposed to be the most difficult of the puzzle subscription services, according to reviews, but I’m not sure if we would agree. It was challenging at times—we did use the “hint” button a couple of times—but that was less because we couldn’t discover the answer and more because we weren’t sure what kinds of solutions the puzzles were targeting. Were we overthinking or would shining your phone flashlight through a random train ticket actually reveal some kind of hidden secret?

            But, when you think about it, how long would you really want to spend on a virtual puzzle? Two hours was about perfect for us. If we got stumped, there were options for a hint, and they would even reveal the answer if you got desperate (we, as proud UVA Law students, refused to even consider this as an option). This ensured that we never got too grumpy or mad at the game, which is important to consider when doing activities as a couple.

            We had also wondered about the possibility of doing this kind of puzzle with friends in a *COVID-less* future. We felt that it was a game best suited for two-to-four people. Any more than that, and people get left out because not everyone can examine the puzzle at once. Any less than two and you can’t rely on your super smart girlfriend to solve the puzzles that stump you.

Conclusion: We rate this experience a 7/10. High points were the well-made quality of the objects/puzzles in the box, novelty, affordability,[3] and feelings of accomplishment. Low points were it not being that hard and no trophy at the end. I love a good trophy.

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shp8dz@virginia.edu

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[1] Not the anniversary of its existence, but the anniversary of when we actually began to take it seriously. And by we, I mean those of who are not conspiracy theorists.

[2] Including the movies.

[3] The box was only thirty dollars. That’s cheaper than drinks and dinner for two!