Hot Bench: Davin Laskin '22

Virginia Law Weekly August 25, 2021

Interviewed by Devon Chenelle ‘23

Why and how did you find yourself at UVA Law?

UVA Law stood out from its peer schools I looked at in that it seemed like it was the only place where people genuinely enjoyed law school. It's hard to describe, but during my law school visits and interviews, I got the sense that at most places students put their heads down to study and slogged through three years to be a lawyer. When I spoke to alums at UVA, it was almost like an undergrad-style school spirit. When I went to apply, I ended up on the waitlist, so I bought an impromptu plane ticket to Charlottesville and walked into the admissions office to plead my case. I guess I'm a good salesman.

What is your favorite place in Charlottesville, and why is it The Gym™?

That place definitely kept a lot of us sane during COVID. Getting the chance to see my friends from the Law School again was great, and as a bare bones kinda guy, a warehouse with nothing but free weights, dogs running around, and the speakers blasting Lamb of God is pretty much my element.

What is the most unexpected experience you've had at UVA Law?

Common Law II with Doug Leslie. IYKYK.

I know you're an avid fisherman. Any fishing tips for anglers new to the area?

I'm probably a bad person to ask, because the real scene out here is fly fishing, which I'm hoping to get more into this year. But as far as traditional bass fishing goes, I always have the best luck in smaller waters, golf course ponds, community ponds, etc.

What is your favorite bar on the Corner?

That's tough, but I'll have to go with Crozet. I'm a sucker for live music, Fauxfield was phenomenal, and on a good night, everyone's dancing. What's not to like?

Any fun experiences this summer?

This summer was great! I spent it in Houston, so it was cool getting to see a new city for the first time. I’d say a recurring theme was Thursday night turtle racing at a nearby bar, which I didn't know was a thing. The associates at my firm love it. They draw a big circle, place about eight or nine turtles in the middle, and whichever turtle walks out first wins. Add in the firm's bar tab and it's a hell of a time.

I consider you one of the avatars of pre-COVID UVA Law. What are you trying to bring back to North Grounds from the before-times?

Live music at Bar Review and house parties. Also, Bar Review and house parties.

Rapid fire round, pick one of two: Skrillex or Galantis, Miami or Las Vegas, Bodo's Bagels or Mellow Mushroom, Torts or Contracts, Squats or Deadlifts, and White Claw or Truly.

- Skrillex, because I always find myself at the bass stage. I also peaked about a decade ago, so we've got that in common.

- Miami. All the fun nightlife of Las Vegas with the beautiful outdoors activities of the bay, national parks, etc.

- Bodo's Bagels, but I definitely miss their drive-thru.

- These were my two favorites from 1L, but I'll have to give the nod to contracts.

- Bench press

- Truly lemonade/tea > regular White Claw > regular truly

Short or Long on Tesla?

Long. They make great cars, and I think the infrastructure package is going to help further the push towards EVs. Their actual technology is years ahead of the competition as well, and they've been teasing a new entry-level car as well. Assuming the competition doesn't catch up and they're able to successfully roll out an economy car, I think they're in a good position over the next decade, even if the stock price doesn't justify itself at the moment. Having said that, I do think Tesla fanboys are a bit optimistic about their ability to take over the world and push their superiority complex. They're kinda like crossfitters or TOOL fans, it's cool that you like it, just stop talking about it.

Tell us about a fun adventure from your sojourn in Miami.

It was great catching up with old friends! On the advice of counsel, I'll leave it at that.

Your cat Bass became a star of the Law School for his frequent interludes during class. Will you tell us more about him and why he's the best?

I was out fishing at a nearby pond when this stray cat made a beeline through traffic to come sit in my lap. I went to see if I had anything in my car to feed him, and he jumped in the passenger seat. Fast forward a year and a half, and his love for sitting in my lap hasn't gone anywhere, so he has become a frequent guest star in my Zoom calls. He even managed to get himself out of a locked bathroom to lay on my keyboard during an OGI callback. That's determination.

Barristers United Season Preview 2021-2022

Virginia Law Weekly August 25, 2021

Some say it is impossible to improve on perfection, but that is precisely what the 2021-2022 version of Barristers United aims to do this year. After a dominant run in the regular season, seeing the Law School soccer team go undefeated in the top co-ed soccer league in Charlottesville, the team continued to sweep aside all of their competition by claiming the Sunday League trophy with an emphatic 4-1 victory over their hated rivals FC Beercelona.

The offseason was far more painful however, with several key pieces leaving for different teams. In particular, team captains Will Pretto ’21 and Nathan Eagan ’21 were signed by Kirkland FC and the Gibson Dunn’s respectively while manager Zach Turk ’21 intends to pursue his dream career of event planning in the aftermath of his wildly successful Summer Series.

In their place, commentators expect the legendary UVA class of 2022 to step up and live up to last year’s reputation for perfection. Leading the way is fan favorite dog owner Stephen Wald ’22, who has promised to bring an attacking attitude to the fullback position along with a tent for fans to watch from.

Other standouts include last season's MVP Day Robins ’22, who commentators expect will break her own record of goals from outside the 18 this semester along with the devastating stiker duo of Sam Mirzai ’22 and Ardi Khalafi ’22 who is excited to move to his natural position at forward.

These veteran leaders will also get assistance from some Barrister’s youth products who are ready to take the next step into the first team. The development staff have long been raving about Nachi Baru’s ’22 vision and feel for the game, and fans are excited at the prospect of him making his debut sometime this season. Another wild card are the members of softball champions BDE, Ray Roesler ’22, Tom Langstaff ’22 and Kelli Finnegan ’22 who will need to balance their commitments to two championship organizations.

There are some questions that still remain unanswered. Will record transfer Doyle Tuvesson ’23 be able to come back from his suspension and adapt to the high level of play found in the Cville Sunday league? Who will the team’s new defensive partnership be? And how many 1Ls will be able to come out consistently with LRW briefs just on the horizon? Only time will tell, but make sure to check back here every week to get more updates about Barristers United!

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jwb4bb@virginia.edu

Court of Petty Appeals: Students et al. v. Canvas

Virginia Law Weekly August 19, 2021

Students et al. v. Canvas
74 U.Va 1 (2021)

J. Kulkarni delivered the opinion of the Court.

As we begin this new session of the esteemed Court of Appeals, I find myself no longer a junior member of the Court. While I wished that this meant I would deal with better cases, instead this Court is faced with a dark case today. The issue is simple: the administration has decided to rescind class recordings. This comes in the wake of a decision to implement masks for the first two weeks of the semester. The law school as a whole has expressed a concern with That-Which-Shall-Not-Be-Named, which is warranted given the recent rise in cases across the nation.

Therein lies the problem, however. The administration finds that the rise in cases is concerning and wants to prevent such a spike in cases here. On the other hand, the school has a vaccination rate above 95 percent among students, so the administration remains “hopeful.”[1] That hope is what drives the issue at bar. The Dean believes that we will return to normal[2] soon, and thus we no longer need consistent access to recorded classes. The students who have brought this issue are asserting that if the administration believes this rise in cases is concerning enough to necessitate masks, then it is also concerning enough to necessitate plans for instances where a student has fallen (or believes they have fallen) sick.

This Court agrees. The administration has no leg to stand on as far as we are concerned. Every student and member of the faculty has a deeply held wish that this Law School could return to the environment prior to That-Which-Shall-Be-Derided. But either we are still living under its shadow or we are not. The University administration believes (and this Court fervently hopes they are right) that the internal mask mandate will be lifted in two weeks. That means that while the Law School is getting started with students from all across the country returning, they want to prevent an initial spike. If we accept this wishful thinking,[3] then that means that students will be both in-person and wearing masks until September 6th.

Students, in this time when people are arriving from all across the country, shall be especially vulnerable. Why, then, does this administration insist on taking away what could be their savior if they fall victim to That-Which-Sucks-A-Lot? If students fall sick, especially 1Ls, then they have nothing to help them catch up. Those who are looking for private jobs will be forced to rely on their “personalities” during OGI to get a job because the administration purposely sabotaged their GPA.[4] Beyond this very important aspect, the recordings provide an opportunity for students who are more concerned than average that they have an alternative means of learning. It provides an out for disabled and immunocompromised students, something the administration conveniently forgot with the start to this new year. This Court finds it unlikely that an order to resume the zoom option for all classes would ever be followed. Thus, this option is the next best thing.

Having addressed the concerns of these two valid classes of students, it is now time to turn our attention to the final group: the procrastinators.[5] These students want the recordings to make studying easier at the end of the semester. And why shouldn’t they? Law school is hard enough—any tools that can be used to increase performance on exams should be used. Every student learns differently, and some have come to realize that they learn best by binging recordings in the two weeks before exams. This Court feels incredible sympathy for these students. But they are not the reason for the order below. These students are simply beneficiaries of the decision, not a driver. The administration should not believe that we are ruling against their interests to aid students they would call slackers.[6] Any assertion to the contrary is simply wrong and false.

To wit, this Court rules that Canvas should restore class recordings to their website. Professors should be ordered to use the laptops that provide their PowerPoints to record their lectures. That-Which-Ruins-Lives has drained us all and will undoubtedly continue to do so, and this small change can provide some insurance for sick, immunocompromised, and disabled students who would like an out from in-person classes. Put simply, the administration cannot have their cake and eat it too.

Bninski, J., concurring in the judgment.

I write separately today to agree heartily with my colleague, and to encourage reconsideration of a premise that might be used to support a ruling for the appellee.

First let us assume, arguendo, that the purpose of a law school is to educate the next generation of legal professionals.[7] The school houses resources oriented to this goal: classrooms, clinic space, library resources – not to mention the expertise of faculty and staff. The business of a semester is to convey knowledge, whether theoretical or practical, from instructors into the eager brains of students.

As my colleague points out, the pandemic persists. Why, given that fact, would it make sense to remove part of the information infrastructure that has allowed students to learn since the advent of COVID? While it is an established tenet of this Court that 1Ls always lose, I think it unnecessary to hew so assiduously to that premise as to require 1Ls to lose access to a valuable educational resource – a resource which the School has demonstrated to be viable, and which student attestations demonstrate to be valuable.[8]

I theorize that behind the School’s decision there may hover fears that, given reliable access to class recordings, students may not engage with the instruction, or may not even come to class, to the detriment of the educational environment and UVA’s much-vaunted “sense of community.” I counter that law students are a herd of nerdy try-hards, who largely showed up to classes that were recorded even before they had the safety of vaccination.[9]

Moreover, class recordings are in the interest of public health. Students who are ill with maladies other than COVID should be encouraged to stay home and reduce the spread of, say, the seasonal flu. Why incentivize students to come to class while sick? This opinion lacks scope to do more than gesture at COVID’s large and small horrors, but if nothing else, the pandemic should encourage all of us to consider how existing systems may be reshaped to serve the public health, and that of the UVA Law community, in the long run. The current policy pays little heed to the concerns of students who have disabilities or are immunocompromised while prioritizing a sense of community. I posit that the community would be well-served by policies that encourage everyone to make health choices that benefit the Law School at large.

Berdan, J., dissenting.

It is dismaying indeed that this august court has fallen so far out of touch with the Law School’s administration that it expects them to continue a temporary policy merely because it improves the educational product delivered by the Law School, gives students some much-needed flexibility, reduces student stress levels, supports university and community public health goals, and has absolutely zero downside whatsoever. The majority rightfully acknowledges that recording lectures and making them available to students online is a droolingly obvious way to contribute to student wellbeing, but it errs in assuming that the administration holds student wellbeing as their aim, and fails to find statutory support for any duty incumbent on the administration to continue practices in the best interest of students. Mental health and educational outcomes are only tangentially connected to U.S. News and World Report rankings, graduate starting salaries, clerkship placement percentages, and alumni donation rates. It is telling that no argument was made – by the majority or by the parties – attempting to connect recorded lecture availability to these, the admin’s ultimate aims and primary metrics of success.

A breeze through recent UVA Law history makes the majority’s opinion laughable in contrast. See, e.g. UVA Law v. Students Ticketed for Parking in Empty Lots (2021) (“The Office of Student Affairs is under no duty, statutory or otherwise, to stand up for Students in their Affairs.”); UVA Law v. America (2020) (Law student administratively withdrawn for serving in the National Guard during a pandemic state of emergency); and UVA Law v. Tuition Levels (2009, aff’d 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021) (“Shoulda got a Dillard, pal.”). Since my colleagues on this court are wildly detached from North Grounds reality, and are attempting to enforce duties against the Law School that it only dreams in marketing materials of upholding –

I dissent.

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omk6cg@virginia.edu
amb6ag@virginia.edu
mwb4pk@virginia.edu

[1] Don’t they know this is a law school? What are they doing being hopeful?

[2] This court has no idea what normal looks like, considering both this and the concurring opinion are written by people who never experience this so-called “normal.”

[3] Seriously, who has the ability to be wishful in law school? Two of the justices are 2Ls and feel burnt out already.

[4] Can you tell that I am one of those personality kids? I’m awesome, but not everyone is. Gotta be understanding.

[5] This was my polite name for the group. I was going to use “lazies” but I don’t like that label for my like-minded fellows.

[6] Why though? Does it matter how anyone gets there? Good grades are good grades, the path is irrelevant.

[7] I grant, this is a large assumption.

[8] 1Ls may, after all, share the benefit of decisions which affect the student body as a whole.

[9] It should also be noted that students on Zoom in hybrid classes also participated, or attempted to.

Hot Bench: Stan Birch '22

Virginia Law Weekly August 19, 2021

Interviewed by Phil Tonseth ‘22

Hi Stan the Man! Welcome to the Hot Bench! Our readers have heard a lot from you over the years, so I’d like to switch up our usual questions to probe deeper into what makes Stan tick. But first, tell us where you’re from and why you decided to become a lawyer?

First, I’d like to apologize to the readers for everything I’ve ever said but thank them for their continued audience. I will always call Atlanta, Georgia, home. I grew up in Atlanta, went to high school in Connecticut, then moved back home to Atlanta for college. I grew up surrounded by the law. At the age of five, I appeared before a Federal Judge to argue the most important case of my life so far: Bicycle Riding v. Overprotective Parents. The Honorable Judge Birch was direct with his questions, but I had prepared my argument for months. When the opinion was published, I didn’t have to prepare an appeal, I had won. I walked away from that living room courtroom with a bicycle and one thought, “I never want to be a lawyer.” I started undergrad as an engineering major, but was roped into the mock trial team as a witness since I had acted before college. I wasn’t enjoying engineering, and after I did some legal research for a professor: the rest is history. My mom likes to say that I fought the law and the law won.

Okay now the hard stuff, is a hotdog a sandwich, and why?

Oof. Coming out the gate with a controversial question. On the advice of counsel, I will not be answering.

If you were reincarnated to be any zoo animal, which would you be and why?

A Galapagos Penguin. They live in a tropical paradise, swim around so fast, and seem to have a pretty great life. If I had to be in a zoo though: Panda. It seems like a pretty chill day, taking naps, eating bamboo, and falling off of things.

Do you have plans to be productive as a 3L, beyond sharing notes with me in PR? If yes, why?

I’m trying to stay on top of things like everyone else, but definitely planning on enjoying Charlottesville as much as I can. I’ve started working on my pilot’s license, and my class schedule is conducive to getting plenty of flying time in.[1] I’ll definitely aim to be active outside of the classroom, but if I let things slip too much in class, I just feel guilty.

When you look in the mirror, what’s the first word you think?

Oh…

I see that on your Instagram, you like to scuba dive. Would you rather wear a mask and snorkel or a cloth face mask on an everyday basis?

Here in the Law School? A cloth face mask. I think it’d be much weirder and much more annoying for everyone else if I was in a dive mask and snorkel. If I could find a way to be a lawyer and wear a mask and snorkel as often as possible, that’s the dream.

If you were a kitchen appliance, which would you be?

A blender. It looks nice and is meant to make healthy things, but makes way too much noise and usually just makes frozen drinks.

What would your “real housewife” catch phrase be?

“In my defense…”

It’s the end of the world, what four other people would you pick to be on your apocalypse survival team?

I feel like I have to say you, but you’re also not a poor choice to make it relatively far. I’d bring my significant other along, since she’s also in good shape and has put up with me this far. I’ll throw a celebrity in here and say The Rock. I feel like he’s usefully fit and would help to keep spirits up. Also, every movie where he’s just a “regular guy” ends with him saving the world, so he’s had some practice. Finally, someone who’s just the slightest bit slower than me in case we really get into a tough spot.

Knowing what you do now, would you go back in time to still come to law school?

As long as it was Virginia, absolutely.

You have a pretty dope car collection. Tell me about them and how you got interested in cars.

A: I think the thing that started it all was a model of a 1965 Mustang a family friend gave my parents for my first birthday. It was a really detailed model that I admired as I grew up and was a car that was around when my dad was in college. It’s still one of my favorite cars of all time, and I’m lucky that I have one myself now. My first car was older than me and broke down consistently when I needed to get somewhere, so I got used to making quick repairs and it kept me interested in how everything under the hood works. I’ve rewired and modified an old Honda motorcycle as well, but I keep that in storage mostly as a project. Around Charlottesville you can see me cruising when the weather is nice or at one of the car meets at Barracks Road.

In being able to call myself your friend, I know you frequently brew your own libations. How tricky is the process and what’s your favorite batch from Blackbirch Brewing?

The process isn’t all that tricky and was a great hobby my significant other and I picked up in quarantine. At first it just takes time and involves following directions like baking something would. Recently we’ve been crafting our own recipes and just made a Tropical IPA called Queen ‘Rona’s Revenge that we are very proud of. Three months in fermentation is the longest a beer we’ve made has taken, but I don’t think we’ll make another Belgian Tripel anytime soon. Happy to share for those of appropriate age and eventually, when it’s safe to have house parties again, I’ll host a tasting.

With so much power as the Managing Editor of the Law Weekly, comes much responsibility. What are your plans to exercise the power of Big Brother this year?

Between the Law Weekly and Libel, my goal will be to accurately represent what life at the Law School is like in an enjoyable way. As far as influencing and controlling the masses, I leave that behavior to my much more motivated Editor-in-Chief, whom I will constantly attempt to reign in.

What’s been your favorite thing about UVA Law?

Readers like you. No really, the people I’ve met at UVA that I get to call my peers are the best thing about our corner of North Grounds. It’s pretty and all, the faculty are great, and we’re getting a phenomenal education, but it would all be so much worse if I wasn’t doing it alongside all of you. To everyone I have met, welcome back. To everyone I haven’t, I look forward to meeting you soon.

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sfb9yu@virginia.edu

[1] The author has been informed he will be going for a flight eventually, but will be updating his life insurance policy beforehand.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum: To Use a Scale or Not

Virginia Law Weekly August 19, 2021

Stan Birch ‘22
Managing Editor

Pro-Scale

I will start this off by noting that adjusting your weight is an issue that can bring stress and potential harm; but, if approached and handled correctly, it can be a factor in maintaining a healthy life.[1] I think having a scale can be a useful tool for maintaining and tracking your health and fitness, but only with the right approach. Smart scales help by taking the focus off of just one number, which doesn’t mean much, and giving you potentially better metrics. Taking charge of your weight requires having the ability to directly track and monitor your progress. When I was younger, I weighed a lot more. I was a few inches shorter, but my overall weight was much higher than it is now. So, my junior year of high school, I started making some changes to address it. When my school’s athletic trainer saw me coming by to weigh-in at least every other day, she asked me to stop. I wasn’t on the wrestling team, trying to hit some arbitrary number to make weight.[2] I was trying to be more comfortable in my body and more effective at my sports. She had seen me get frustrated when my weight had gone up, even when I felt leaner and trimmer.

Her proposed solution: weekly weigh-ins on a smart scale and monthly composition checks. Back in high school, the technology wasn’t as advanced, but the principle was the same: Step on the scale, wait for the readout, and log your weight, BMI, and fat percentage. The monthly manual composition checks were to confirm the fat percentage readouts, a much better indicator than weight or BMI alone.[3] I’ve maintained this approach over the years and it has helped me to keep in check. I don’t mind when my weight creeps up during the winter, I just aim to have it creep back down throughout the spring and summer. More importantly, I don’t focus on my weight as much as my body composition. Keeping an eye on the makeup of body fat and muscle mass gives me a much more accurate depiction of my overall health goals. I also don’t track it daily and wouldn’t advise anyone to unless they have a role in an upcoming superhero movie.[4] At the end of the day, please take care of yourself and make sure you approach the information from a reasoned, safe, and healthy place.

Dana Lake ‘23
Production Editor

Anti-Scale

Human beings weren’t meant to know so many things. Think of all the stuff you know about—algebra, germ theory, negative numbers, Kim Kardashian, FM radio, Leonardo da Vinci, maybe some fun law facts. Over billions of years of hominid development, our brains were expected to learn plant species and animal migration routes, becoming familiar with less than one hundred individuals in a single lifetime.

The rise of cities in the last ten thousand years and the explosion of globalization over the last few centuries are itty bitty grains of sand over the course of our evolution. The Internet has been around for even less time, but it has transformed the type and amount of information we are bombarded with. It’s happened too quickly. We had a few million years to get used to walking upright, and now in less than twenty we’re supposed to adapt to a comprehensive understanding of our deepest biometric secrets? My silly little mammal brain hasn’t even gotten comfortable enough with the concept of winter to avoid seasonal depression—how am I supposed to respond to a smart scale? I can get over space travel and nuclear fission because the facts supporting them are ambiguous and remote enough my brain just sorts them into the “science/magic” category. But facts about my own body? I honestly don’t think humans should even have access to mirrors. A smart scale is an actual nightmare.

My colleague is pro-smart scale for reasons I find incomprehensible and frightening. I can only respond with the same awe I felt when a friend once told me he purposefully turned on all advertising tracking permissions so he could have a perfectly curated online experience. They are thriving on a plane of existence I can’t even imagine and frankly I don’t want to. I think the effort it would take for me to enjoy cultivating a deeper understanding of my own biometric data would be the final straw for my fragile psyche. I don’t look at my phone’s health data or screen time; When I work out I don’t keep track of reps; I don’t even own a regular scale. How far do I walk in a day? How strong am I? What’s my weight? It’s nobody’s business, not even my own.

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sfb9yu@virginia.edu
dl9uh@virginia.edu

[1] I am not a health professional. I am simply speaking from my own, slightly informed viewpoint about my experience and what has worked for me. If you need medical advice as to your weight or health, reach out to a professional or talk to me for my personal thoughts.

[2] Many of my friends were, so don’t read this as disparaging wrestlers: y’all are crazy.

[3] Keep in mind, many of the NFL’s strongest players would be considered obese looking at only their BMI.

[4] But then Marvel or DC is footing the bill for you to get ripped…

Dicta: Qualified Hope for Criminal Justice Reform

Virginia Law Weekly April 14, 2021

Thomas Frampton
Associate Professor of Law

In the early days of the pandemic, there was a brief moment of hope for those working in the criminal justice reform world. Maybe, just maybe, the crisis could provide the sort of “shock” the system needed, impressing upon prosecutors, legislators, jailers, and parole boards the need to radically reduce the number of people we incarcerate. Now, over a year in, it’s clear that such optimism was misplaced.

Like a lot of UVA Law faculty members, I sometimes do legal work outside of teaching and scholarship. Working with clients keeps me sane, generates research ideas, and (sometimes, I hope) gives my students a richer understanding of the material we’re covering in the classroom. So, when the Virginia Law Weekly offered me 800 words to write about “anything you’re working on,” I figured I’d tell you about some of my cases during the pandemic. (Preview: it’s mostly disappointing.)

In the federal system, Congress has authorized judges to revisit previously imposed sentences if there are “extraordinary and compelling” reasons to do so. As you might imagine, a lot of prisoners have argued that the pandemic (and the impossibility of meaningful social distancing in prisons) qualifies as a pretty good reason. Some have been successful; far too many have been denied. I’ve consulted on a handful of these, but the one compassionate release motion that I filed was basically doomed from the outset—my client was convicted of a sex offense, and despite having some serious health issues, hardly anyone convicted of a sex offense has won compassionate release. Still, my client wanted to give it a shot. When we lost, he was the one consoling me: even though the judge denied relief, it was important to my client that the judge had read about what prison officials were, and were not, doing to keep him and his friends alive during the pandemic. (Incidentally, UVA Law has a clinic specializing in sentence reduction work with Professor Lisa Lorish! You should do it!)

I’ve also been working on some federal habeas cases. In September, I filed two habeas petitions for clients who had exhausted their appeals in state court. It’s hard for a petitioner to get relief through federal habeas—thanks AEDPA!—but the state court rulings were so egregiously wrong that I thought we had a chance. Seven months later. . . silence. When one of my clients fell ill in December, I filed a motion for expedited consideration, but the magistrate judge’s answer (I’m paraphrasing here) was: “A lot of people have COVID-19. We take it seriously and we’re doing the best we can. Have you seen all these compassionate release motions I have to rule on?” It’s hard to argue with that, especially if you’ve just filed a compassionate release motion. (Incidentally: For those of you considering clerkships, definitely consider clerking for a magistrate judge! It’s “less prestigious” or whatever, but they do the lion’s share of the work on important matters like habeas petitions!)

It hasn’t been all bad. A bright spot from the past few months was working on the resentencing of a client named Nelson Davis, who was released from prison in November after serving forty-two years. Technically, Mr. Davis’s release didn’t have anything to do with COVID-19; the original judge just screwed up back in 1978 when he imposed the sentence. But I think the current judge recognized it was important to rectify the situation quickly, before Mr. Davis (or his elderly mother) got sick. Since he’s come home, Mr. Davis has been doing great, despite the enormous challenges formerly incarcerated people face. To give one Kafkaesque example, prison officials gave Mr. Davis the wrong Social Security number when he was released. It took months to track down the other documents he needed (and, eventually, assistance from a congressional office) to get the correct number. Without a Social Security number, Mr. Davis couldn’t open a bank account and had trouble accessing other benefits he needed. (To be clear, I didn’t do any of this: 100% of the credit goes to the First 72+, a non-profit organization based in New Orleans that’s been working with Mr. Davis since his release.) By the way, every time we talk, he asks about the Section “E” students who watched his resentencing hearing over Zoom; he says to tell y’all “study hard.”

So, what’s the takeaway from all this? For me, it’s less that the pandemic has caused a crisis in our criminal legal system, and more that it’s laid bare problems that have been building for decades. We have precious few vehicles for giving convictions or sentences a “second look,” regardless of changed circumstances. Discretionary actors who do have such power are reluctant to grant relief, particularly outside of the “3 nons” context (nonserious, nonviolent, nonsexual offenses). And when people do come home, they often face daunting challenges. These are difficult issues, but they are problems we’ll have to face if we’re serious about ending mass incarceration.

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tframpton@law.virginia.edu

Court of Petty Appeals: UVA Law Student Body v. Microsoft

Virginia Law Weekly April 14, 2021

UVA Law Student Body v. Microsoft
73 U.Va 23 (2021)

Gladden, J., delivered the opinion of the court.

Today we have before us a civil suit brought by the UVA student body, plaintiffs, against Microsoft, defendant. Plaintiffs bring suit under 18 U.S.C. Section 1030(g) (the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act or CFAA), as well as an action alleging trespass to chattels. Specifically, students are seeking to enjoin Microsoft SignIn Verification from calling their phones or requiring signing in on their app less than seven days apart.

The facts are indeed egregious. UVA students, attempting to sign in to their law school accounts, suddenly and without warning find a notification flash upon their computer screen: “We’re calling your phone. Please answer it to continue.” Before students can react, their phones are accosted by a call that is impossible to ignore. Students must answer and press the pound key, and only then are they allowed into their Zoom classes or email accounts. Moreover, when Microsoft SignIn Verification calls a student, the statement “Don’t ask again for 7 days” appears next to a box that can be checked. However, plaintiffs who check this box are then faced with a brutal reality: Microsoft does not wait the full seven days. Rather, plaintiffs report being called multiple times within the span of a week. In a more horrifying account, several individuals recount having Microsoft SignIn Verification calling them multiple times within minutes of each other, continuously rejecting their frantic pressings of the pound key before finally declaring that the request has timed out and the student must start over, wasting precious minutes. This Court will not stand for such an atrocity, and it will grant the requested injunctive relief immediately.

First, we turn to the CFAA claim. Clearly, Microsoft has exceeded its authorized access under contract-based restrictions.[1] Seven days means seven days. It is well-established that law students are not great at math, but an expert witness need not be provided here. We may take judicial notice here that seven quite clearly equals seven. This language explicitly places a restriction on Microsoft’s ability to access students’ devices, and even if it did not, a lack of authorized access may also be implicit or norm-based.[2] It should be evident by now that calling any person without warning should be recognized as implicitly taboo; regardless, the plain text of the statement is precise. Therefore, when Microsoft SignIn Verification calls students within that precious seven-day window, it violates that contract-based restriction.

Second, we hold that there is a viable trespass to chattels claim here. Plaintiffs certainly have a possessory interest in their phones. Defendants cite Intel v. Hamidi to argue that there was no damage to the physical phones, thereby nullifying this claim. However, they failed to properly distinguish the facts. The emails sent by Hamidi did not affect Intel’s email system, and the only other harm alleged was a decrease in employee productivity associated with the constant emails.[3] By contrast, it is a far more dire situation when students are three minutes late to class because Microsoft is hampering their ability to sign in. A three-minute delay is enough to miss several tomes’ worth of valuable information in a Nelson class.

Sorry, Microsoft, you’re no Kourosh Kenneth Hamidi. And it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around. Photo courtesy of Kolleen Gladden, '21.

Furthermore, plaintiffs have taken self-help steps by checking the box pleading with Microsoft not to call them again for seven days. The potential for irreversible harm from missing valuable classroom instruction or compromising professor relationships is beyond debate. Honestly, there should have been an emotional distress claim thrown in here just for making Millennials and Gen Z’s answer their phones. All individuals in these age brackets know all too well the horror of being called unexpectedly and without warning, let alone being forced to answer.

There is no possible conclusion other than that we must immediately remediate this situation. Defendant’s additional argument—the “1Ls always lose” rule[4]—is inapplicable here because 2Ls and 3Ls are joining the complaint. When the collective good of the upperclassmen is at stake, 1Ls may enjoy the subsequent windfall. Finally, the defendant forgets the cardinal rule of this Court: “We do what we want.”[5] Unfortunately for them, SCOTUS precedent is no good here—who do you think we are, Law Review?[6]

It is so ordered.

Bninski, J., concurring in the result.

I write to express my qualified agreement with the opinion ably written by my colleague. While the importance of the interests adversely affected by Microsoft’s failure to honor its contract terms indicate the propriety of ordering specific performance, in my opinion, public policy requires us to go further. I believe that Microsoft should be enjoined from calling anyone.

It is an accepted principle of judicial review that, when a justice perceives that an issue may have an adverse impact on her or his own life, that the legal question becomes subject to strict and capricious scrutiny.[7] And let me say: this justice does not relish receiving phone calls from robots.

Let us examine custom within the sign-in verification community. DuoMobile, that stalwart and stultifying staple of the UVA Law experience, sends a push notification. A diverse sampling of online services requiring security – from my banking app to the systems used by various food-delivery schemes, which I have oft encountered this semester as the Law School attempts to ameliorate despair with RSVP-contingent nutrition – utilize SMS, sending a “code” that a party must “enter” in order to “verify” that one is, indeed, who one purports to “be.”[8]

This brief survey indicates that placing a verification phone call departs from industry practice. One might go so far as to term it an abhorrent anomaly. For public policy, as the opinion of the court explains, strongly supports action that minimizes the number of robotically placed calls—and indeed, the number of calls from anyone other than parties attempting to hire the holder of the telephone in question.[9] Moreover, these alternative methods indicate that technological advancement has far outstripped any need for pound-sign-pressing in order to attest to the truth of one’s being.

The nature of Microsoft’s business also merits consideration. As a pioneer in information technology, it has the resources to use verification techniques which do not, as my colleague notes, amount to the intentional infliction of emotional distress. Microsoft can muster no convincing showing of necessity.

Microsoft is no one’s mother, nor anyone’s best friend. Microsoft’s verification call lights no one’s cell phone screen with the smiling photo of a loved one. Its calls embody only the worst parts of telephonic communication. Not only should Microsoft refrain from calling would-be signers-in multiple times within the seven-day window, Microsoft should never call anyone again.[10]

---

kcg3ar@virginia.edu
am6ag@virginia.edu

[1] U.S v. Nosal (9th Cir. 2012).

[2] EF Cultural v. Zefer (1st Cir. 2003).

[3] Intel v. Hamidi (Cal. 2003).

[4] See 1Ls v. God, 73 U.Va 16 (2021).

[5] See Zoom v. HopIn, 73 U.Va 21 (2021).

[6] This Court has said before in no uncertain terms, “Like we’d want anything to do with Law Review, gross.” Law Weekly v. COPA Copiers, 999 U.Va 963 n.1 (2019).

[7] Orin S. Kerr, A Theory of Law, 16 GREEN BAG 2D 111 (2012).

[8] Let us set aside, for now, the issue of imposter syndrome and the question of what existence means.

[9] We discovered documented incidents of parties receiving career counselling being told to “answer your phone” or at least to “actually set up your voicemail” and “call back, for Pete’s sake. Do you even want a job?” This places a substantial call-answering burden on already emotionally fragile law students, which should not be unnecessarily increased by telephone calls from robots.

[10] Unless, of course, it’s offering entry-level in-house positions…

Goodbye, Law Weekly 3Ls!: Mini Hot Benches

Virginia Law Weekly April 14, 2021

Goodbye, Law Weekly 3Ls of the Class of 2021! We’ll miss you!!

Christina Luk ‘21
Deposed Editor-in-Chief

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Run your own race.

What is one class you think everyone should try and take?

Negotiations with Professor Molly Shadel.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around Charlottesville.

Moge Tee – the new bubble tea place that opened on The Corner. It’s not a secret, it’s just new, and you should all go immediately. I love their fruit teas, but they are famous for their cheese foam. Just get something, you’ll thank me later.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around North Grounds.

The Law Weekly office. I heard it’s undergoing renovations and it’s going to be lit.

What’s the best meal in town?

YO. I’ve plugged it before, I’ll plug it again, go to Bamboo House on 29 for Korean food.

Name the 7 wonders of the Law School.

Here are the seven wonders of #onlinelawschool: 1) the mute button on Zoom; 2) recorded lectures; 3) giant stand-here-to-social-distance stickers in the hallways; 4) that one bottle of UVA LAW hand sanitizer Student Affairs gave me; 5) school-sponsored GrubHub accounts; 6) getting to walk graduation; and 7) Diddy Morris.

3L Superlative: Could Kill a Man with a Comma

Sam Pickett ‘21

Sam Pickett ‘21
Columns Editor

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

At some point in your 1L career, everyone will start simultaneously using a word you don’t know. For me, this word was “dispositive” (which I still can’t really define). After never hearing or seeing that word, I heard it 3 times in one day and thought I was going to have a heart attack. My advice would be to simply ask what it means—because there are likely several other stressed 1Ls wondering the same thing!

What is an underrated Law School event?

I’ll tell you what an OVERRATED Law School event is. Foxfield. It was so hot and so miserable that people were sitting by the dumpster so they could get in the shade. Never again do I need to experience that.

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

Most law school professors keep the textbook for their class on reserve. You can save a lot of money by renting an old version of a textbook and then scanning whatever you need from the textbook on reserve! You just have to deal with the hassle of the different page numbers.

What was the hardest thing about Law School to you?

Trusting myself. It’s really easy to look at what other people are doing and feel like you’re falling behind or doing something wrong, but everyone really just has their own method of achieving success. That doesn’t mean there aren’t ways you can improve, but have faith in the methods that got you to UVA.

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

Suing Coronavirus for patent infringement. Has Coronavirus wreaked havoc on all of our lives? Yes. Did my lawsuit change anything? No. But, was it cathartic? Absolutely.

What is one class you think everyone should try and take?

Legislation with Michael Gilbert. I think it really changed the way I read legal opinions.

3L Superlative: Most likely to establish social dominance at his workplace

Michael Schmid ‘21
Managing Editor

What is the best for-school purchase you made over the last three years?

I bought noise cancelling headphones last spring, and I don’t know how I got through law school before that.

If you could change one big thing about your time here, what would it be

COVID.

Name the 7 wonders of the Law School.

1) Mandy; 2) Lisa, Dean of Snacks; 3) Spies Garden; 4) Emerson Spies’ boa; 5) the layout of the second floor of Slaughter Hall; 6) the cow painting; 7) Section F, Class of ’21

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

Putting the paper together on Monday nights and hoping the program doesn’t crash while Lena Welch ’20 entertained us with gossip and the occasional High School Musical rendition.

Library, ScoCo, or home?

Library as a 1L, ScoCo as a 2L, and home as a 3L. Balance.

3L Superlative: Secretly Professor Caleb Nelson

Will Palmer ‘21
Special Projects Editor

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

School won’t be too bad – it’s the other stuff that’ll sandbag you.

What is the best for-school purchase you made over the last three years?

Pants, probably.

What is one class you think everyone should try and take?

I recommend anything taught by Prof. Setear – it’ll be interesting, I guarantee it.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around North Grounds.

The pool on the roof

What’s the best meal in town?

Waffle House

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

The faculty bathrooms (accessible from the first floor of the library) are extremely well-appointed.

What was the hardest thing about Law School to you?

Balancing new responsibilities with academics.

What will you miss the most about Law School?

The people

3L Superlative: Most likely to publish his own comic book series

Jacob Jones ‘21
Features Editor

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Don’t even bother reading cases written before 1900. Just go straight to Quimbee.

What is one class you think everyone should try and take?

Legal Research and Writing. Absolutely essential for real world lawyering as well as for graduation. Also it’s pass/fail!

If you could change one big thing about your time here, what would it be

I would make there not be a pandemic.

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

One time I saw the WB snake and took a picture for the paper. Building Services followed up to see how the snake could’ve infiltrated their foolproof 2-factor security system. The snake was by the vending machines, he probably was hungry just wanted a snack.

3L Superlative: Most likely to wear flip flops with a designer suit

Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Everyone is, in fact, making it up as they go along. Per usual you were right.

What is the best for-school purchase you made over the last three years?

Quimbee like the 18 or 20 dollar a month tier.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around Charlottesville.

Spring Creek Golf Club.

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

Don’t overdo it. But definitely don’t underdo it.

What will you miss the most about Law School?

The time. And the golf. You have so much time in law school it’s incredible.

Name the 7 wonders of the Law School.

Molly Shadel, Mimi Riley, Lois Shepherd, Spring Creek Golf Club’s 1200 dollar a year price for students, ANG, Paul Mitchell roasting someone, and the constant references to the NYT crossword guy but like who the hell cares oh my god find someone else to talk about we get it he’s quirky

Free Space: Write What you Want

Just listen to Kevin Donovan for the love of God. But also listen to your heart. Just know it’s wrong.

3L Superlative: Most likely to have started the Law Weakly

Grace Tang ‘21
Foreign Correspondent

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Try to explore the law school and city with friends! There are so many things to do in the area, including wineries, alpaca walking, cave tours, glass making and the Saturday Farmer’s Market (one of my personal favorites). For food ideas, check out the Charlottesville 29 list. When you graduate, you won’t remember the hours spent in the library, so make memories that matter 

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

The library offers so many fun things for rent! You can rent out DVD’s and DVD players for a movie night, board games to play with friends, and outdoor lawn games like Kubb which can be played right outside the law school.

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

Dairy parties, laughing with friends at law weekly, the witty banter. Everyone has an excellent sense of humor, and I always enjoy the jokes on zoom, GroupMe or in person. It’s been a joy and an honor to be on law weekly for all three years of law school, and the paper is a school treasure. I love that Virginia Law Weekly allows us to write about what we like (for me it was food and fun things to do), and the paper is all the more interesting because of it.

Proudest UVA Law Moment: When Bodo’s approved of my homemade bagels, I have peaked in life. Also, any time I managed to hit the ball in softball during my 3 year stint here.

3L Superlative: Most likely to know the answer to any question concerning food or taxes

Maria Luevano ‘21
Staff Editor

What is the best for-school purchase you made over the last three years?

The Sharpie S-Gel 0.7 pens are life changing and an Ember mug will seriously upgrade your day if you’re a slow coffee drinker like I am.

What is an underrated Law School event?

The UVA Law Families Halloween Carnival!! It’s the cutest event of the year and is the biggest mood booster when that late-October-it’s-almost-finals-season anxiety hits.

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

The Bookstore sells Diet Coke for like $1 per can!! $2 at a vending machine? Couldn’t be me.

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

Writing our first edition after the pandemic had started and everything was closed. It was great to get together and commiserate, but also put a funny spin on the whole situation. I’m really proud of everyone’s efforts in those first few weeks to work on the paper during such a chaotic time.

3L Superlative: Most likely to stick to her 15 year plan down to the day

Speed Round:

Doctrinal Classes or Practice Classes? Practice!

Office Hours? Only when dragged there by a friend.

Library, ScoCo, or home? Library

Biltmore or Crozet? Bilt.

Attend the event or Free-Food-Table? Attend the event and arrive early to get first dibs on food.

Zoom, Teams, WebEx, Skype, or HopIn? Ugh.

Raphael Cho ‘21
Cartoonist-in-Chief

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Don’t worry too much about grades, there’s safety in the middle of the pack.

What is the best for-school purchase you made over the last three years?

Extra monitor.

What is one class you think everyone should try and take?

Any class with G.E. White. The man is a legend.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around Charlottesville.

The Pie Chest.

What’s the best meal in town?

Doma.

What is an underrated Law School event?

Bar Review, I miss it.

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

The JurisM extension will save you a lot of time doing citations for papers.

What will you miss the most about Law School?

Living within walking distance of your friends.

If you could change one big thing about your time here, what would it be

I regret not exploring more of Charlottesville while I had the chance.

Any ideas for a fun/silly/dumb tradition you think the Law School should start?

Cake eating contest a la “Matilda”.

Name the 7 wonders of the Law School.

Free Food Table, Statue of Jefferson, Gunner Temple/Pitt, Hanging Portraits of Slaughter, WB 3rd Floor Labyrinth, Career Services, ScoCo.

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

Drawing caricatures of political figures.

3L Superlative: Mysterious Non-Existent Art Person

Leah Deskins ‘21
Professor Liaison

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Find your people. The Law School has an incredible community of students, faculty, and staff. Building strong relationships with friends and mentors will add significant value to your experience here.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around North Grounds.

There’s an “orchard” at the Miller Center that I love. I like to hang out on the benches there and admire the resident flora and fauna.

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

Your fellow law students can be great sources of advice and support. I know that seems obvious, but for too long, I felt like I basically had to go it alone in law school and that it would somehow be “cheating” to ask for guidance and input from other students. Don’t be like me. Find folks who will support you (and support them back, obviously), and learn from them.

Favorite Law Weekly Memory?

During 2L, my birthday was on a Monday (when Law Weekly editors and staff normally meet), and I was surprised at the meeting with a birthday serenade and chocolate chip cookie brownies (the internet tells me these are apparently called “brookies”). I still have no idea whether it was just a coincidence that it was my birthday or whether the food was actually planned, but I LOVE birthday surprises, so that was really special.

Where are you headed after graduation?

The District of the District of Columbia, also known as Washington, DC.

3L Superlative: Most likely to have an alphabetized hit list

Bill Re ‘21
Historian

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Get a law dictionary and look up all the legal terms in the syllabus headings and textbook chapter titles, even if you think you know what they mean, and then read the cases.

What was the hardest thing about Law School to you?

Having to read in silence for hours.

What will you miss the most about Law School?

Randomly running into friends in the hall.

Where are you headed after graduation?

Milwaukee, WI

3L Superlative: Eaten alive in the Law Weekly Archives

Speed Round:

Doctrinal Classes or Practice Classes? Doctrinal

Office Hours? You mean waiting in line for 40 minutes to ask a 5-minute question?

Library, ScoCo, or home? Library, but before the plague.

Biltmore or Crozet? Crozet.

Attend the event or Free-Food-Table? Attend *most* of the event.

Zoom, Teams, WebEx, Skype, or HopIn? In person.

Doug Graebner ‘21
Former Format Editor

What is one piece of advice you would give to your 1L self or any 1Ls?

Drink enough water, and if you’re stressed and upset ask “did I eat a sufficiently large and nutritious breakfast/lunch/dinner” before you do anything else.

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around Charlottesville.

Sugar Hollow, but specifically the trail PAST Big Branch falls

Reveal a favorite “secret place” around North Grounds.

The trail behind Bodo’s from the frisbee golf course to like the train tracks.

What is a UVA Law “hack” that you wish you had known sooner?

Talk to people about your classes and studying! People like talking about what interests them and it’s just a good habit to get into bouncing ideas off each other

If you could change one big thing about your time here, what would it be

FREQUENT AND RELIABLE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

Library, ScoCo, or home?

The little flat tables at Twisted Branch, perfect for Big Desk Energy and good vibes

3L Superlative: Most likely to put milk, and then cereal

Kolleen Gladden ‘21
Photographer

What’s the best meal in town?

Okay I’m sorry, I can’t narrow it to one. Go to Iron Paffles, order a vegan paffle with hot fried tofu, Mac and cheese, sriracha Mayo, avocado, and grilled onions. The Green Giant and tofu balls at Now and Zen. Panang curry and drunken noodles at Chimm. The hell fried rice at Monsoon Siam. The totchos and hoagie at Firefly. The golden latte at Mudhouse on 10th street. Anything Kunchok orders at Taste of India. And all foods prepared by Grace Tang ‘21.

What is one class you think everyone should try and take?

Education in U.S. Prisons. That class opens your mind up to concepts that rarely get touched on anywhere, let alone in law school. And Professor Gerard Robinson is spectacular. His background is as an education specialist, and he brings incredible perspectives to the table. He has such an unbelievable wealth of experience, and it is nothing short of a privilege to take a class from him.

Name the Seven Wonders of the Law School

Mandy at Greenberry’s, Cookie Fridays (The *good* cookie Fridays, circa fall 2018), A plate of fresh veggie wraps from Mezeh left on the free food table, randomly running into Professor Coughlin and having her bestow upon you some glorious nugget of wisdom, funny story, or thought-provoking question, The library squad dressing up in incredible coordinated costumes for Halloween and roaming the halls, The massage chair that allegedly exists somewhere in the school, spotting a Jake Weeks original tie dye tee.

What will you miss the most about law school?

There are so many things I’ll miss. Watching the 1Ls perform at Dandelion. My section (H—team Habeas Porpoise) winning the softball tournament our first year. Getting lunch with your friends after a final. Going on hikes with the outdoor club. Snagging Bodo’s before a volunteering event. Taking a professor out to lunch and hearing about their amazing experiences. Running into someone in the hall and having an hour long conversation punctuated by appearances from your other friends. Getting together to rehearse for Libel and packing everyone into the auditorium to laugh together. Drinking the coffee and tea in the library, not because it’s good, but because it’s free. Going to Feb Club events and watching the law school bands perform—and having your crush ask you out on the last day of Feb club.

3L Superlative: Most likely to invent a new genre of music

Court of Petty Appeals: Residents et al. v. Pavilion Garage

Virginia Law Weekly April 7, 2021

Residents et al. v. Pavilion Garage
73 U.Va 21 (2021)

J. Peterson delivered the opinion of the Court.

The question presented to the Court today is whether a garage, owned and operated by an apartment complex for the benefit of its residents, designed in an undeniably poor nature, and often plagued by disrespectful and entirely unwelcome interferences by both the community and what can only be assumed to be Pavilion’s own utilities, may be allowed to mar this community because, as defendants put it, “you get what you pay for.” The answer of the Court today, in accord with the lower courts before it, is no, no it absolutely may not.

Plaintiffs, the residents of the Pavilion, as well as those friends and acquaintances of theirs unlucky enough to have experienced the terrors of traversing The Pavilion’s (Pav) garage (Pav Garage), bring this suit in equity to request not only an injunction ordering Pav not only to tear down the Garage and erase all record of its existence from the annals of time, but also an order requiring Pav to reconstruct a new garage. Importantly, the new garage must include a straight path to the key-sensor to enter the garage, as any sane individual would think would already be the case. Additionally, the blueprints must include designs to better the visibility between the floors, widen turns around corners, and add a rooftop bar and grill for those unlucky enough to have to park on the fifth floor.

Due to the Court’s complete agreement with the plaintiffs in this case, it seems unnecessary to engage with the defendant’s arguments. However, in short, the “you get what you pay for” argument, while valid in other jurisdictions such as Ivy, has no place as a defense for an overpriced apartment scheme such as Pav. In fact, ironically, Pav’s argument functions exactly not as intended, much like many of the amenities and privileges offered there.

The plaintiffs cite specifically in their grievances, first, the “general awfulness of the typical drive through the [G]arage.” While this language of “general” seems directly in conflict with a reference to a specific grievance, if one has set foot in the Garage, it becomes immediately clear what the plaintiffs are talking about, specifically, when they say, “general awfulness.”

Second, the plaintiffs draw the Court’s attention to the danger and difficulty inherent in navigating the Garage. For example, the narrowness of the Garage when going up or down the roundabout turns is extreme. Additionally, the turns are completely blind unless one uses the mirrors placed on the walls, which creates a hazard for those driving up or down the garage while exercising their God-given right to pay zero attention to absolutely anything while behind the wheel. The Court agrees with the plaintiffs’ contention that it is untenable to expect the already school-plagued residents of Pav to pay any extra attention while driving, and thus believes that this is an issue which Pav is responsible for resolving.

Finally, the plaintiffs allege that, at best, when trying to leave the Garage, every driver’s view is obstructed by a utility box sitting on the left as one pulls out. At the worst, and as seen recently, third parties will leave large vehicles parked half-on the sidewalk alongside Pav, further obstructing the view of those trying to depart. This is unacceptable. This is America. The land of the free, the home of the brave, and the country where at one point we were required to get out of our cars to check to see if a train wasn’t coming. Allowing the visual obstructions present to persist any longer would be to return back to Holmes, back to imposing undue burdens upon our citizenry in favor of The Big Guy (like Pav), and away from the American dream we attempt to instill in every hallway, every garage, and every overpriced single apartment from sea to shining sea.

As such, the plaintiffs’ injunctions are granted in full. Pav must construct the garage per plaintiffs’ requests. This judge is certainly excited to make use of the rooftop bar.

And, lest there appear to be any trace of allowing politics to infect the decision of this court, I reference back to my own ruling in Residents of the Pavilion v. Pavilion, 73 U.Va 8 (2020), in which I allowed Pav to continue its current practices, much to the chagrin of its residents. As such, I believe my position, and the legitimacy of this Court today, remain unsullied.

Justice Birch, concurring in part and dissenting in part.

While the young justice makes admirable points, this justice must get out of my car and look around the garage corner to navigate the dangers inherent in the proposed remedy. To make plain, I concur that equitable remedy for the Plaintiff is wholly warranted and should be issued with expediency. The Garage is trafficked by many of the smartest minds our country has brought together under this University, but many of them have not applied their wit or wisdom to learning the art of driving. This, in combination with an already suspect design, compounds two issues together that creates a cause of action. Now, the Pav cannot control the actions or behaviors of its residents,[1] but it can control its own behaviors and designs. Making adjustments for the very foreseeable fact that highly-educated people are terrible drivers should have been done long ago, and it needs to be handled now.

However, I dissent from the young justice’s proposed remedy, being as short-sighted as the turns in the Garage currently are. I cannot fault the justice for his naivete, as my two additional semesters on this bench have clearly wizened me beyond my years. As a resident of the Pav and owner of a car, I have frequently experienced the atrocities that plague Plaintiffs. I have, however, also experienced what living in a building is like that is (1) under construction and (2) does not have a garage. I wish neither of these on the plaintiffs and encourage a more restrained order from my colleagues. The short-sighted nature of the remedy proposed ignores the two plain reasons the plaintiffs have a complaint in the first place: cost reduction and poor planning. It is in the defendant’s best interest to spend as little as possible while collecting high rent. And while the “you get what you pay for” argument may be applicable in Manhattan or San Francisco, in Charlottesville, Virginia, it is not. On top of that, this is a year where the amount spent on events, staff, and upkeep has outwardly dropped while rent has remained constant. The budget may contain the “surplus” needed to fund these changes. However, this justice recognizes that those finances have not been saved, but may have immediately disappeared without a trace.[2] The prior poor planning does not inspire confidence in the outcome of a new construction without significant judicial oversight, adding the additional burden on members of this court of coordinating with Pavilion management.

Therefore, I would order the Pavilion to reposition the card reader to the front point of the newly-installed barrier blocks, bar third party trucks from parking to the northeast of the entrance, reposition certain vehicles[3] that extend far out into the turn, and proceed with a full garage power wash and cleaning.[4] All of this will allow for many of the unskilled drivers to swipe their cards without popping a tire or hitting the gate arm, take turns with their usual abandon, and park their cars for more than two days without them becoming covered in dust.

As a personal aside in a vein similar to my colleague, “lest there appear to be any trace of allowing politics to infect the decision of this court,” I live in the Pav. I have taken an objective approach, recognized my bias, and continued anyways. I don’t want to lose a garage for the remainder of my tenure for sake of a few dangers that ultimately may still exist at the conclusion of the majority’s remedy.[5]

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jtp4bw@virginia.edu
sfb9yu@virginia.edu

[1] Even though it has tried many times through sleep deprivation and sound therapy.

[2] Like license plates off cars on Floor 2

[3] Pick-up trucks

[4] For good measure

[5] I cannot urge this enough: I need that garage and hope my actions on this bench do not result in real-world consequences involving the named partie

Hot Bench: Dean Natalie Blazer

Virginia Law Weekly April 7, 2021

Interviewed by Phil Tonseth ‘23

Hi, Dean Blazer. Welcome to the Hot Bench! Let’s start with the basics. Where do you call home?

I was born in Fairfax, Virginia. I grew up going to Wintergreen, as my parents had a place there that we frequently visited, so Charlottesville is also home. Basically, I claim all of Virginia.

When did you start thinking about law school? And why’d you decide on UVA?

I was the editor of my high school newspaper, so I originally thought I’d be a journalist. After not initially liking my communications major in college, I switched to political science and was drawn to immigration and asylum law. During undergrad, I had an internship at an immigration clinic in downtown Boston, spent a summer in Bosnia researching refugee and asylum issues, and spent my entire senior year working as a legal clerk in Boston College Law School’s Immigration and Asylum clinic. I helped translate documents and conversations with detained Serbian nationals and learned so much about asylum law that would serve me well later on in my career.

As for my interest in UVA Law, that started the summer before my senior year, when I worked as a paralegal for Baker Botts LLP in Washington D.C. Both the partner and the summer associate I worked for were UVA Law grads (or soon to be), and, although they were both brilliant and hard-working, they were also laid back and cool. They were my first real impression of UVA Law. Combined with the good stories I’d heard about UVA from my friends who went there for undergrad, I knew it’s where I wanted to be for law school.

I saw that you spent your 1L summer interning at the Sarajevo War Crimes Tribunal and that you clerked for the United Nations' International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia following graduation. Can you describe those experiences?

I had spent a summer living and researching in Bosnia while I was in college, so when I was a 1L, I thought that maybe I’d be able to do something law-related there and get to go back to that part of the world. I worked for a British prosecutor at the war crimes tribunal, lived in Sarajevo, got to use my language skills, and experienced a completely international tribunal. It was an amazing experience; truly transformational! The prosecutor I worked for said I was so lucky to be in the United States and that the best formal training I could possibly get as a young attorney would be at a big law firm. That was the first time I considered doing anything “corporate.”

So my 2L summer, I did a BigLaw summer associate position, but I never wanted to let go of my public service work. The firm knew that international work in particular was important to me, so they let me work in their Paris office for a month that summer, and also let me delay my start date after graduation so I could clerk for an appellate judge at the ICTY in the Hague. My firm was so great about it too; they encouraged and supported my pro bono work on similar issues once I returned to NYC. My first time arguing in court was an asylum case for a young man from the former Yugoslavia [Dean Blazer won that case, of course]. I can’t say enough about how accommodating and welcoming my firm was about allowing me to continue my interests and my desire to do pro bono work, as they truly worked to keep my job fulfilling and honestly kept me at the firm for longer than I expected!

How big of a culture shift was there between the ICTY and your subsequent BigLaw position as an associate?

Living in both Sarajevo and the Hague are completely incomparable to BigLaw in NYC. I appreciated the culture of my firm (they called themselves the “UVA Law of law firms” for their collegiality, warm and friendly attitude, dedication, and hard work), but it was an obviously different experience from doing public service work abroad. I was able to find my way through the pro bono side of the firm, and I also engaged in a lot of recruiting, coaching high school mock trial teams, and engaging in the women’s affinity group. My firm experience was great, but I’d do anything to be able to live abroad again.

Did you always see yourself coming back to work in academia?

First, I never thought I’d be in BigLaw for seven years. I used that time to aggressively pay off my student loans, knowing I’d move on to something else one day. Towards the end of my BigLaw career, I was recruiting a lot and visited so many law school campuses during interviews. Every time I was back on a law school campus, I felt so happy and fulfilled talking to administrators and students. It reminded me of my time at UVA Law, and it started to dawn on me that some of these administrators were former lawyers, and that they had made this their full-time job. So I started to really think about it, could I work in a law school?

For about a year, I gathered information by talking to anyone I could find who worked in some sort of law school administration job. To make that big of a career leap, I wanted to make sure I would really love the day-to-day work. After all of this research, I narrowed my potential transition down to working in admissions. I then saw Columbia had an opening, and, realizing I could make this huge career move without leaving my Upper West Side apartment, I applied. Long story short, I got the job, and I knew from my very first day at Columbia that I had made the right decision.

From reading applicants’ stories, to witnessing the beginning of their life-changing law school journeys with exciting careers ahead of them, I loved it. After two-and-a-half years at Columbia, the Dean of Admissions at Georgetown (someone I had spoken to during my information gathering phase) called me to say they were looking for a Director of Admissions. I took the promotion, moved to D.C. and found myself managing a large team and making all kinds of decisions I never had to before. I loved the challenge. About two years into my time at Georgetown, Dean Cordel Faulk left UVA Law, and Dean Goluboff called to talk about my current role. I never thought I’d make it back to UVA Law, although deep down I knew that’s what I always wanted to happen. Even now, six months into the job, it’s still completely surreal. The legitimate connection I feel to the community here and the ability to talk about my own experiences to admits is wonderful. It’s truly so full circle.

Looking back at your time on North Grounds, what’s something you know now that you would tell yourself coming into law school?

Truly enjoy every moment of 1L year. Well, all three years, but 1L gets a bad rap as such a difficult and crushing time. While it’s a lot of work, it’s also a time to do so many other things! It was my favorite year of law school. You’re learning so much for the first time, forming bonds with your sectionmates, and learning to think in a completely new way. Stop thinking 1L is a year to simply “get through,” it’s fun if you let it be fun, and something you only get to do once (ideally). I always tell admitted students that UVA Law isn’t just a means to an end (a law degree), it’s a full experience. Also, you don’t need to be at the top of your class to do great. Enjoy your time outside of class.

Having just completed Admitted Students Open House and working towards closing out this current admissions cycle, what’s your hope for the incoming class or some advice you’d like to pass along to them?

I hope they have the full UVA Law experience that all students deserve. I want them to experience campus, Charlottesville, and the UVA community in full effect. We worked hard this cycle to connect to admits to get to know them, so we hope they see our mindfulness in bringing in a diverse class from all over the world and all different backgrounds. I hope they contribute as much to UVA Law as they get out of it.

Let’s do a lightning round!

Favorite food?

Appetizer: peel-and-eat-shrimp.

Entrée: New England style lobster roll, preferably eaten at the beach, and French fries.

Dessert: Ice cream sundae, vanilla ice cream on a brownie or cookie, with hot fudge and whipped cream.

Cocktail: mezcal margarita on the rocks with salt.

Favorite place in Charlottesville?

Any running trail. They’re my happiest place.

Anti-Stress Hobby?

Running. Working remotely allows for a lunch break run.

Pet peeve?

When people gun their car engines super loud and speed down the street. I don’t know why but that sound boils my blood.

Favorite word?

I really like the word scuttlebutt.

If you could pick one song to play in the background of your life, what would it be?

“Get Along” by Kenny Chesney

What’s your spirit animal?

My cat Brie Bella. (She and her sister Nikki are named after the WWE Bella twins). I mostly just want to BE my cat; she has the best life. Sleep whenever she wants and is absolutely adored.

Where’s a place you’ve never been, but would like to go?

Africa. Not just a traditional safari vacation, I want to go to Kenya, South Africa, Zimbabwe, the Congo, all of it. I love everything I’ve been able to learn about the culture, wildlife, and natural landscape.

If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be?

The golden rule. Treat everyone as you’d like to be treated. We need more empathy.

Secret wonder of Charlottesville that people should know about?

Southern Crescent. It’s all outdoors, they have huge firepits, and Bayou-style New Orleans cooking. I love their conch fritters, everything is so laid-back and it feels like a hidden gem. I also love that the place is named Southern Crescent after the train route that runs from Charlottesville to New Orleans!

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nblazer@law.virginia.edu

Barristers United Weekly Report (March 28, 2021)

Virginia Law Weekly April 7, 2021

Jack Brown ‘23
Staff Editor

A top-of-the-table clash between Barristers United and Kerfuffle FC did not live up to its billing, as Barristers cruised to a comfortable 9-1 victory to cement their position as the best team in the illustrious SOCA Spring 2021 Co-Rec League 11v11 Division A.

The first half was a tight contest, with impressive heart shown by Kerfuffle FC who managed to hold Barristers to only a two-goal lead. Talent wasn’t the issue for Barristers; they lacked the dedication of Kerfuffle FC, whose passion for public service and disciplined defense kept the law students at bay.

A rousing halftime speech was enough to get the Barristers out of their slump. With an eloquent appeal by Captain Zach Turk ’21 to cheer themselves up by laughing at the author of this piece, the team roared to life in the second half. Led by the forward play of Doyle Tuvesson ’23 and Ardi Khalafi ’22, the Barristers scored at will. Any doubts the press had about Doyle’s ability to make the leap from Division 1 soccer to the SOCA league, or concerns about Ardi’s fitness after two weeks away due to injury were put to rest after a masterful performance.

On the other end of the field, backup goalkeepers Aziz Rashidzada ’23 and Tom Schnoor ’23 put in an impressive performance when needed while the rest of the defense was able to help keep possession. Many of the goals started from the back, with Stephen Wald ’22 showing how aggressive fullbacks can be taking every chance he could to take the ball up himself.

Kerfuffle FC has some faces that students at the Law School will be familiar with. One of them, Professor Thomas Frampton, when approached for a comment about the match, simply asked us to “put a string of expletives in there for me.” Another member of Kerfuffle asked if “there was a better league” for Barristers to play in. The answer to both of these questions is no, but we look forward to playing against this team again in the playoffs!

Looking ahead, the team has a break this weekend due to the long weekend. After a grueling season, it will be good for the players to take the time to see some family and get ready for the second half of this title run. This squad is far from their maximum potential and it seems like something truly special is brewing down in Charlottesville.

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jwb4bb@virginia.edu

Barristers United Weekly Report (March 21, 2021)

Virginia Law Weekly March 31, 2021

Jack Brown ‘23
Staff Editor

A bright and early game on Sunday saw Barristers United looking to extend their perfect record, while La Celeste kept searching for their first win of the season. The game went as expected, with Barristers winning comfortably 7-0 to build their lead at the top of the SOCA Co-Rec League Division A table.

With a big match coming up next week against Kerfuffle FC, the squad most experts pick as Barrister’s greatest threat to the title, Manager Turk chose to sit several starters. This did not pose much of an issue to the team, whose depth is the envy of the rest of the league.

Barristers played with confidence as a midfield trio of Day Robins, Jordan Walsh, and Tom Schnoor were able to dominate La Celeste’s playmakers and helped keep the ball out of Barrister’s half. Thanks to the hours on the training ground, these players were able to instantly gel despite it being their first time in an official match together.

The highlight of this trio came near the end of the first half, where a brilliant sequence ended with Jordan channeling his inner Zidane to spin between two defenders and bury the ball in the bottom left corner of the net. Thanks to their efforts, and solid play from the rest of the squad, the score to end the first half was 4-0.

During halftime, Captain Zach made an impassioned speech for the team to do their best not to get hurt, due to some members of La Celeste having questionable tackling technique. With the game already in hand, looking forward to the rest of the season was the squad’s main focus now.

In the second half, Barristers were able to continue their good form with a brilliant half volley from fan favorite Stephen Wald, and a powerful strike from Kelli Finnegan, who had been terrorizing Celeste’s left back the entire game. Impressive fullback play from Christian Sorensen and Erin Magoffie, along with a collected performance from John Lawrence, who is working his way back from a hamstring injury, kept Barristers in control till the final whistle.

All in all, it was a dominant performance capped off with Barrister’s first clean sheet of the season. Next week they are going to be at Kerfuffle FC for a highly anticipated top of the table clash.

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jwb4bb@virginia.edu

Tweedledee and Tweedledum: Kroger v. Harris Teeter v. Walmart

Virginia Law Weekly March 24, 2021

Jacob Smith ‘23
Professor Liaison Editor

Kroger

We are discussing which grocery store is best, and, in that respect, there are several good reasons to prefer Kroger to Harris Teeter. Let’s start with size. Kroger is smaller, and smallness is an advantage for a grocery store. You want to get your food quickly, not spend thirty minutes circling the aisles. Then, there is the target clientele. Harris Teeter explicitly targets students. The five percent discount is nice, but do you really want to be lumped in with undergraduates? Finally, there is the cool stuff: the GameStop next door, and the toy cars available for about a dollar throughout Kroger. I have two young siblings who like Hot Wheels, and every time I visit, I buy them each a car. You can’t get that joy from Harris Teeter.

One of the most important things about choosing a grocery store is its prices, however, and here I must admit I was wrong. I used to think Kroger’s prices were lower. But after a price comparison, I have discovered that Harris Teeter actually has better prices (although Kroger still has much better deals on apples and bagels). Price matters a lot, and so I will concur with Will that Harris Teeter is the better grocery store. Kroger still wins, however, since Harris Teeter is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Kroger.

You will notice I have not yet discussed Walmart. Walmart should not be thought of as a grocery store, just as Amazon is not a bookstore. Still, here are two other reasons Walmart loses. On an ethical level, Walmart is always getting in trouble. Within the last year, Walmart has settled four lawsuits for millions of dollars, and it gets sued nearly twenty times a day. More practically, in keeping with its habit of hollowing out downtowns, Walmart skulks on the outskirts of Charlottesville, five times farther from the law school than Kroger.

******

Will Holt ‘23
Reviews Editor

Harris Teeter

Writing this article, I am both content in my allegiance to Harris Teeter and proud to have the opportunity to extol its virtues to the UVA community. Since arriving on grounds, the chain’s nearby location has provided me with all I could ever want. Where else can one find wagyu steaks and Teddy Grahams under the same roof? Yet, there exists a small pang in my heart. I am troubled that my esteemed colleagues, Jacob and Sai, have chosen to raise their pens against Harris Teeter, the obvious choice for all consumption needs, in favor of Kroger and Walmart, respectively. I fear they are beyond redemption. I will do what I must.

Harris Teeter combines high quality products, cleanliness, and convenience (it is but a few steps from the Pavilion at North Grounds, after all) with the intangible quality of neighborliness to create a thoroughly comforting shopping experience. Friendly staff never fail to offer assistance, and generous student deals even make it economically reasonable to purchase luxury foodstuffs like dry-aged ribeyes and fresh crab. True, Kroger and Walmart may be a bit cheaper, but there are other costs to consider.

Kroger, in addition to being on the other side of Barracks Road Shopping Center from the Pavilion, exudes the aura of a stale national chain, fostering none of Harris Teeter’s neighborly charm. In addition, I have personally found that although it features largely the same selection of processed foods, its produce compares unfavorably in terms of quality and presentation. As for Walmart, the massive international corporation is notorious for its exploitative business practices. In exchange for a few extra bucks in your wallet, you will be supporting widespread and unfettered corporate tyranny. Let’s face it, you might as well order your chips and guac straight from Mordor.

I hope it is clear at this point that Harris Teeter is the only real choice when it comes to your daily consumable needs. It may not be the absolute cheapest, but by Jove it’s the best.

******

Sai Kulkarni ‘23
Culture Editor

Wal-Mart

Look, I am not here to make any normative arguments about which grocery store is better. I’ve always been a proponent of investing more in smaller grocery stores, especially ethnic stores as you never know what you can find there. But in this discussion of Harris Teeters v. Kroger, I find myself advocating for a third option. A certain friend of mine always points out that I tend to take a way out rather than choose one definitive side of an equation (she says it’s centrism, I say it’s pragmatism). But here, I feel like my two colleagues are missing something important. Call it a panorama, a panflute, or a panhellenic, that-which-shall-not-be-named has taken over all aspects of our lives. Wal-Mart has the most extensive selection of goods (a function of it being one of the largest corporations in the country—make of that what you will) among the three stores and provides a robust delivery and pickup option for groceries. Shopping there will keep you and others safe when shopping for any kind of goods. While Kroger also provides delivery, ordering delivery at Wal-Mart gets rid of the guilt of getting delivery at a short distance and leaves you with only the guilt you have at all three stores (whatever you define that as; I want to be in Big Law at least for some time, so I am not asserting anything about these nice corporations). So, keep your friends safe, order from afar, and order a wide range of goods at Wal-Mart rather than giving into Kroger or Harris Teeter.

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js3hp@virginia.edu

wjh4ew@virginia.edu

Omk6cg@virginia.edu

Pets of Quarantine: Frannie and Scottie

Virginia Law Weekly March 24, 2021

Phil Tonseth ‘21
Editor-in-Chief

After almost a year of quarantine, most people have either learned to live alone, or altered their life circumstances to find ‘safe’ friends. While Love in the Time of Corona featured how many different couples are thriving in their romantic pursuits during ‘these trying times’, this feature is for those who choose to shop an animal shelter instead of Tinder for companionship. Like this pandemic, love still lives on, so we welcome you to learn about and meet all of the new furry friends adopted during quarantine, and potentially add a new member to your own family. This is Pets of Quarantine.

This week's guests are Frannie Skardon ’22 and Scottie, a handsome and majestic kitten.

Hey y’all! I’ll go to you first, Frannie. What inspired you to adopt?

I’ve always really loved animals—especially cats. With everyone trying something new during quarantine, I decided now was the perfect time to really lean into my destiny to become a crazy cat lady.

What exactly drew you to Scottie particularly? Did you look for a specific breed, age, or other characteristic?

Scottie was a little cross-eyed in his picture on the Charlottesville Albemarle SPCA website. It was irresistibly cute. I knew he would be the perfect fit for my house when his foster mom told us over Facetime that all we needed to do for Scottie to feel comfortable with us is to “open our entire heart for him” and “spend all of our time on him.”

Was it love at first sight?

For me? Yes. For Scottie? No. Scottie has a lot of anxiety and is afraid of anything that moves or makes noise (two things I tend to do). He was a stray, so being inside was really new for him. With the help of lots of toys and treats, he has made a lot of progress and is doing really well in his new home.

Pictured: Step one of the slippery slope to crazy cat ladyhood. Photo Courtesy of Frannie Skardon ‘22.

Scottie, you’re up. Getting straight to the point, what is your favorite thing about living with Frannie?

I like how desperate for my love the whole house is. When I strut into the room, all attention is on me. They start calling my name and throwing toys at me. It is wonderful.

Frannie, how difficult of a houseguest is Scottie?

Scottie is a great houseguest to me; however, he is passionate about attacking my boyfriend’s feet. There have been multiple times that Scottie has hid behind the window curtains in the morning and then launched a surprise attack on his feet the moment the lights come on. I’m not sure where the fixation on just those feet comes from, but I’m sure it is justified and Scottie is in the right here.

Scottie, have you made an appearance in class yet? Or, are you more of a lay-on-Frannie’s-lap-during-class type of cat?

Class is boring. I’m much more interested in the window by Frannie’s desk where I can watch the birds. I prefer making appearances in interviews or when Frannie has meetings she has to run. I find that I get way more attention in those. I also always make sure that when I make my appearance, I don’t show my face to the camera but instead make sure my entire backside is on display. My fans love it.

Have you learned anything so far, besides that law students should take more cat naps? Also, what’s up with your habit of napping on your back? Cats normally curl up like croissants when they sleep.

Aunt Taylor has told me a lot about prison abolition. Like, a lot. I’m not even really sure what to do with it. And what do you mean, what is up with my habit? Isn’t it obvious? I love the belly scratches and want to be ready for them at all times. The cats sleeping like croissants are just living in the dark ages.

What spawned your love for playing in the bathtub?

I can’t stand when someone is in the bathroom without me—I just know that something fun is going on in there and I have to check it out. I’ve found that if I hide in the bathtub, people cannot shut the door on me and I can see what they are trying to keep from me.

Does your enjoyment for the bathtub extend to you also loving real baths? No judgment if so, but cats that like baths are weird.

Frannie hasn’t tried to bathe me yet. She knows better.

Are you a cat that loves table scraps? What’s your favorite so far?

Just like Frannie, I love ice cream. I’ll lick the lid clean. My Aunt Cait also likes to bring me tuna during the day while I’m taking my nap. This gives me the protein I need to hunt in the middle of the night and really get the advantage over my mouse toy.

Speaking of food, are you more of a kneader (AKA “making biscuits” with your paws) or a scratch pad type of cat?

Definitely scratch. Having sharp claws is essential for my hunting practice. Frannie cut my nails once and I was so angry because I felt like the hands and toys around me were less afraid.

Frannie, how has Scottie changed your life for better, or for worse? Knowing cats, this could go either way.

Scottie is my whole world and has changed it for the better. Now, if you ask my friends who have to get at least three pictures of him a day? They might have a different answer to that question.

Pictured: A war criminal. Photo Courtesy of Frannie Skardon ‘21.

Okay, Scottie, let’s see if you can focus long enough to do a lightning round!

Cardboard box or squishy cat bed?

During the day, I like my bed. At night while people are sleeping, I love playing in my cardboard box. It is nice and loud.

Favorite spot to sun-bathe?

I’m not much of a sun-bather. It is lazy, dangerous, and wasteful. Instead, I prefer to be on bird-watch from one of the window sills.

Laser pointer or string?

String. I’ll jump on the laser pointer once or twice before I realize that I can’t physically attack it—boring.

What’s the name of your favorite toy or do you prefer to play with trash like my cats?

While I do love my mouse, I think the most fun thing in the house is my Aunt Taylor’s desk chair. I like to sit on it, swing my head, and make it move in circles. The thrill from the spin is unmatched.

Biggest “pet” peeve?

I don’t have many, but if I had to give one, I would say all people and anything that makes noise.

What time at night do you prefer to do the ‘zoomies’ and run around the apartment wildly?

Great question. For me, 8 p.m. to 12 a.m. is the perfect time to play. I then take a little nap with Frannie, either under the blanket with her or wrapped around her head on the pillow. I’m then up again by 5 a.m. for sports practice by either hitting my loud ball around or house patrol to see who is awake.

On a scale of one to ten, how sassy would you describe yourself?

Two? On the scale of one to ten for anxiety and fear? Eleven.

How many belly rubs does Frannie get before you attack?

Belly rubs after I woke up from a nap? Seven. Belly rubs as I am falling asleep? As many as she can do. I have her well trained and she knows my belly must be rubbed.

Lastly, soft or crunchy treats?

Soft. Crunchy is too loud and scares me.

Frannie, are there any parting thoughts about Scottie you’d like to share or further convincing you think your readers will need to follow in your paw prints to adopt?

If anyone would like further information about Scottie, feel free to reach out for additional photos. I have lots. I also loved working with Charlottesville Albemarle SPCA and would highly recommend them if you are looking to adopt!

While my cat has grown out of her fear of her own shadow, I understand Scottie’s concern. After this article, I hope he gets comfortable with his new-found celebrity! Many thanks to Frannie and Scottie for joining us on Pets of Quarantine and sharing their coronavirus experience. Are you a pet owner that adopted a furry friend during quarantine? A roommate that’s taken on the additional role as a surrogate pet parent for your classmate? Or an existing pet owner that’s grown even more attached to your best friend? Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and we want to hear about it! Email pjt5hm@virginia.edu if you or someone you know might like to be featured on Pets of Quarantine.

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

Court of Petty Appeals: Zoom v. HopIn

Virginia Law Weekly March 24, 2021

Zoom v. HopIn
73 U.Va 21 (2021)

Chief Justice Tonseth delivered the opinion of the Court.

Procedural Posture

The District Court of Petty Appeals, in its limited wisdom, issued an injunction against Zoom, citing two antitrust violations. First, the shortsighted 1L Justice[1] held that Zoom and UVA Law formed a tacit agreement to stifle competition within the digital platform community for conducting classes and conferences. Further, the aforementioned student, who hasn’t even taken Corporations,[2] held that Zoom operated as a monopoly in the field and must be stopped. In an attempt to justify this horrible ruling, the District Court cited multiple precedents, treatises, and poor Google Reviews for Zoom in an effort to placate the expected comeuppance from my iron-fist. Silly 1L, we do what we want.[3]

Facts

Evidenced by this Court’s holding, almost a year ago today,[4] coronavirus has really sucked the fun out of normal law school. To cope with the sudden inability to raid the Snack Office, snooze yourself through ConLaw in the back row, or show up ‘blitzed’ to LRW[5] before taking one’s talents to Copeley, UVA Law and the world quickly latched onto Zoom. Due the sheer ineptitude of people still swearing by Androids[6] and the inability of Skype to remain hip, Zoom rapidly expanded its reach and showed a relatively solid ability to handle a range of events. We all had our complaints about the platform, but its quirks became understood as Zoom worked itself into the role of “ole reliable.” Enter HopIn.

In the simplest terms, HopIn is a near replica of Zoom except that one is able to move between multiple video chats/event booths, all from one platform. This eliminates the need for multiple links, plus allows for each event to be customized with backgrounds and such. AKA, HopIn tried to do to Zoom the same thing the iPod did to Zune.[7] This spring, HopIn has infiltrated UVA Law. While Zoom has remained the go-to to conduct classes and most events, HopIn was utilized for both a Virginia Law Women’s event and Admitted Students Open House. Buoyed by its success, HopIn filed suit against Zoom, attempted to chip away at their stranglehold

Analysis

In this instance, the expanse of my power is not lost on me. Prudentially, I should apply standard antitrust laws to issue a valid legal opinion on the subject at hand. But, as the Court’s resident Antonin Scalia protégée, I’ll repeat what he wisely said at his confirmation hearing, “In law school, I never understood antitrust law. I later found out, in reading the writings of those who now do understand it, that I should not have understood it because it did not make any sense then.”[8]

At first blush, the casual observer may ask how this Court even retains jurisdiction between these two tech behemoths. While my colleagues in the Supreme Court cited the “nerve center” test to determine a corporation’s place of business for the sake of diversity jurisdiction,[9] I find this argument only slightly persuasive and open to interpretation. First, the addition of a new platform to create a log-in for, only to serve a redundant purpose, gets on the center of my nerves. Second, every law student righteously believes they are the center of the universe, ergo, any issue that concerns them constitutes something worth deciding by my esteemed judicial self. There are probably more relevant and applicable jurisdictional arguments in my favor here, but as I 1) found CivPro a bore and 2) am learning jurisdiction for the first time in Fed Courts, I’m cutting myself a break.

Getting to the crux of HopIn’s claims, I find their first claim meritless. There’s no way it can be plausibly argued that Zoom has stifled competition in the digital platform community. The recent advent of Twitter Live, TikTok, OnlyFans, and Peacock show that competition is only increasing. Strike one, HopIn. However, HopIn has a pretty good argument concerning Zoom’s monopoly on hosting conferences and classes exclusively for the last year. I mean, I wrote this opinion while attending a class over Zoom and after listening to oral arguments, also over Zoom. Unfortunately for HopIn, Zoom retained their get out of jail free card, and are thus immune from any Monopoly argument. Zoom has been with us law students through “these trying times'' from the beginning. That type of loyalty cannot be bought. I will not stain my reputation by allowing the new kid on the block to bully the seasoned vet, forcing the vet from its well-earned place atop the mantle of the digital platform community.

If I must belittle myself to address the complaints of the concurrence, let me be brief. Retired (read: replaced) Justice Luk should ride her senior status into the sunset. In writing a concurrence that nobody decided to join, Justice Luk’s opinion is as irrelevant as her pear vs. apple distinction. Don’t come at me and my boi Antonin like that, the thunderdome is open and omnipotent.

Conclusion

In writing this opinion, while attempting to prepare myself (my liver) for what I hope the deluge of Bar Review will be in the fall, a phantom Scalia told me “[i]f you’re going to be a good and faithful judge, you have to resign yourself to the fact that you’re not always going to like the conclusions you reach. If you like them all the time, you’re probably doing something wrong.”[10] Looks like today is the day Scar pushes Mufasa into the herd of stampeding buffalo,[11] as I can’t freely choose to live under Antonin’s shadow any longer. Every opinion I write is golden, and Zoom wins in a landslide. HopIn must be relegated to its rightful place: going directly to jail, not passing go, and not collecting $200. Monopoly case dismissed.

C. Luk, concurring.

The only thing that’s clear from the majority opinion isChief Justice Tonseth’s obsession with his beau, Scalia. Are we here to conduct legal reasoning or to quote every Scalia opinion under the sun? This case should be dismissed for lack of standing, plain and simple, because HopIn has failed to demonstrate on the record a concrete and particularized harm.

The facts, as muddily recited above, show that HopIn has been very successful in the Law School market. It was the platform of choice for both the Virginia Law Women event and the Admitted Students Open House, two remarkable achievements given VLW’s sterling reputation and the sheer scale of ASOH. Fresh off these victories, HopIn now seeks to convince the Court that it suffers under the oppressive shadow of Zoom? Try again.

Chief Justice Tonseth calls HopIn a “near replica” of Zoom. I must have taken the last dictionary with me when I left office, because Chief Justice Tonseth seems to be under the impression that a replica is something other than an exact copy. HopIn has many advantageous functions that Zoom lacks: interactive booths, webinars, one-on-one chat rooms, and, most importantly, the ability to navigate between these functions without having to click into another meeting. The scope and scale of HopIn makes it uniquely suitable for events and conferences. Zoom, on the other hand, continues to be used primarily for online classes and has a much more limited breakout-room function. If we’re going to call the two platforms replicas of each other, we might as well say an apple is a replica of a pear because they are both fruit.

The Court should dismiss this case for lack of standing and scrub the majority opinion from its judicial memory.

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu
cl3eh@virginia.edu

[1] The name is being withheld for sanity’s sake; their opinion was almost as bad as most LRW memos.

[2] Neither have I, public service for lyfe!!!

[3] Law Weekly v. CoPA Copiers, 369 U.Va 96 (2019).

[4] Corona (La Cerveza Mas Fina) v. Coronavirus (El Virus Menos Fino), 72 U.Va 21 (2020).

[5] Theoretically, of course.

[6] Facetime would have been a much easier alternative to any platform.

[7] This may be dating me slightly. I’m not ashamed.

[8] http://www.c-span.org/video/?150300-1/scalia-confirmation-hearing-day-1

[9] Hertz Corp. v. Friend, 559 U.S. 77 (2010).

[10] During a speech at Chapman University in 2005. Yes I skipped journal tryouts; no, I don’t know how to Bluebook; no, I also don’t care to learn.

[11] If you aren’t humming “I Just Can’t Wait to be King,” I’m judging you more than this opinion.

Hot Bench: Kolleen Gladden '21

Virginia Law Weekly March 24, 2021

Interviewed by Christina Luk ‘21

Hi Kolleen, welcome to Hot Bench!

OH MAN. It’s happening.

Yes, we are all very excited. Let’s get the ball rolling. Where are you from?

I am from Joplin, Missouri, which is on the Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Kansas border. I’m like a fifteen minute drive from each of those states. Joplin is a pretty unique place.

Tell me a little bit about Joplin.

Oh my gosh, what should I say about Joplin. It’s the largest city within a 70-mile radius, and it’s smaller than Charlottesville. So when people say, oh you’re from a small town, I have to say I’m from a city. Otherwise, a farmer will emerge from the bushes to beat me with a stick. We have competitions about this back home. If you have more than one stoplight, you don’t qualify as a small town. If you have a Walmart, you do not qualify as a small town.

When did you start thinking about law school?

Oh boy. Really, senior year of college. I was just vibing, getting my technology and English degrees, but I think my family wanted me to have a respectable career. And I mean, medical school has never been that enticing to me. And you don’t need any prior knowledge of the law to get into law school, so I just started applying all over. I applied to UVA because one of my classmates from high school, from a class of thirty-four, went to UVA. I didn’t know anything about anything.

What’s something you know now that you would tell yourself coming into law school?

Oh my gosh, that’s tough. I would tell myself, man, you’re gonna meet the greatest group of people who are just gonna embrace exactly who you are and you’re not gonna have to worry. You might be going into the Type-A lion’s den, but you’re gonna find people who love you. I might not know how I got so lucky, but I will never stop being grateful for it.

The other thing I would tell myself is that your graphic design degree is going to come in way more handy than you ever imagined. You’re gonna use it more than you used it in school.

That’s true! How many clubs have you done photography or graphic design work for?

Well, I did all the photography for Law Weekly pre-pandemic, that’s where it all started. I’ve done professional headshots for LPS, BLSA, MENA, VJOLT, and VLW. I hope to get to do SBA headshots later this semester. I’ve designed t-shirts for Lambda and Diversity Week (two years in a row). I designed a bunch of promotional materials for Libel and for the VJIL Symposium the last two years. As the Design and Technology Development Editor, I made the VJIL website with Bao Kham Chau ’22, who is amazing. I also did a wedding for a sectionmate. It’s all been a blast.

What kind of impact do you hope to have as a lawyer?

I would love for my job not to exist some day. I would love for the world to get to the point that we’ve reached a level of equality that public service attorneys aren’t needed. I know that’s not going to be any time soon, but I aspire to be an attorney who actively plays a role in dismantling white supremacy and is committed to redemption, justice, and second chances for people. I want people to be safe enough to actualize their potential as human beings. Those are the things I care about. I want to work alongside clients to help them into better situations. I’ve been so privileged -- I want to use that for good.

Let’s do a lightning round!

Favorite food?

Oh my word. Now and Zen has some of the best vegan sushi and Iron Paffles, oh my word, Nashville hot tofu with vegan mac and cheese, vegan sriracha mayo, avocado, and grilled onions. So good.

Favorite place in Charlottesville?

Wherever my friends are. Bonus answer: the rooftop patio of Mudhouse on Tenth Street. And the Farmer’s Market at IX Art Park.

Anti-Stress Hobby?

I run all the time. And it definitely keeps me from getting stressed. I also love being creative and listening to music.

How much do you run?

I run ten miles a day. Every day.

Pet peeve?

My pet peeve is how Microsoft’s sign-in verification says you can click the button to not be called for seven days, but then it doesn’t work and they call you the next day. Seven days is a week! I should get a week!

Favorite drink?

Coffee. Hands down. I prefer iced, but I will drink all coffee. I’m really into brown sugar lattes with oat milk at the moment. I’ve started making it at home because the Starbucks on Angus is always out of oatmilk. I love the baristas at Dunkin’ Donuts. MJ? She’s a queen. Big shout out to Will at Mudhouse. The new Starbucks is too new. I don’t have a favorite yet. And Mandy! Mandy is the best.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

I’m really excited to move to New York. Ideally, I would split my time between a rural area near a city, where I can have cows and a possum rescue and large dogs, and somewhere in Europe.

A possum rescue??

Yes. Possums are one of my favorite animals. They are looked down upon but they are a social good! They take care of ticks! They are so sweet!

Are they in danger?

No, but people try to hit them. They’ll live longer if someone takes care of them. They deserve it.

If you could pick one song to play in the background of your life, what would it be?

“Escape Plan” by Tiger’s Jaw.

What is your least favorite sound?

I really hate the sound of someone scratching plain printer paper.

What’s something you’d like to tell our readers?

There’s so much more to life than law! There’s so many things the law can’t fix. It’s so important to know what you’re living for, and I think we all owe it to ourselves to live for something bigger than ourselves, bigger than we can accomplish alone. We should live a purpose driven life.

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kcg3ar@virginia.edu

Barristers United Weekly Report (March 14, 2021)

Virginia Law Weekly March 24, 2021

Jack Brown ‘23

March 14, 2021

This is the first article in a series chronicling the season of UVA Law’s Sunday League soccer team, Barristers United.

Barristers came away with a thrilling 6-2 win last Sunday, cementing their position at the top of the table with a 3-0 record. Their opponents, Alchemista Legion FC, put up a stern challenge with a physical play-style that kept the game tight despite a lopsided final score.

Thanks to a logistical mixup, the game began with most of Barrister’s starting line-up shirtless due to both sides having similar kit colors. The incredible fitness on display by the law students clearly intimidated the other team, which struggled to get the ball out of their half. Even so, the Barristers struggled to capitalize on their chances.

Pictured: The victorious Barristers lineup for the week of March 14.

Twenty minutes in, the deadlock was broken by Captain Zach Turk ’21 who found space in the box to volley a shot under the keeper, giving Barristers a well-deserved lead. Soon after, a set piece let fellow Barristers legend Will Pretto ’21 slot another one past Alchemista’s keeper to put the Law School up 2-0. It was at this point the equipment manager returned with pinnies to help distinguish the two sides.

However, Barristers putting shirts on led to a momentum shift for Alchemista, who were able to score shortly after on a counter-attack and create several chances that tested the veteran keeper Zane Clark ’21. Just when it seemed like it the scoreline would be even going into half time, a bounding run down the sideline by Josh Short ’21 set up Day Robins ’22 for what commentators are already calling the goal of the season. Taking the ball from the top of the 18 past a defender, she was able to rip a shot into the top right corner putting Barristers back in control.

In the second half a brace from double hoo Sam Mirzai ’22, and an impressive solo goal by Nathan Eagan ’21, who celebrated in a spirited fashion, put the game out of reach. Aside from these goals, the second half was defined by increasingly reckless play on Alchemista’s side which ended with injuries to Ardi Khalafi ’22 and Zach Kuster ’21, whose absences were felt in weekday training. Both players are listed as doubtful for the team’s next test against La Celeste, who are looking for their first win of the season.

Court of Petty Appeals: Spring Breakers v. Try-Hards

Virginia Law Weekly March 17, 2021

Spring Breakers v. Try-Hards
73 U.Va 20 (2021)

Justice Lake delivered the opinion of the Court.

Facts

The court meets today to discuss the true boundaries of try-hardiness and gunnertude at a level not addressed in recent enough memory to count: Administration.

At trial, the jury awarded plaintiffs an injunction preventing rearrangement of the 2021 academic calendar. The contested changes would have spring break, a traditionally week-long affair consisting of piña coladas on the beach and tequila shots off your stomach, broken into bite-sized crumbs and sprinkled throughout the spring semester. Plaintiffs, hereafter Springbreakers, have produced a convincing record of fighting for their right to party.[1] On the other hand, Appellant Try-hards, hereafter Administration, has successfully convinced the court of the life-and-death stakes of spring break during these trying times. A few long weekends spread throughout the semester is a compromise Administration is offering in place of the dreaded Fall 2020 Semester doldrums.

It is also true that UVA Law has remained the only T-14 to maintain some levels of in-person learning throughout the entire 2020-2021 academic year. COVID spikes have occurred, but they have also been contained. Consistent testing and social restrictions have afforded Administration a privileged position amongst the T-14s and, critically, amongst the incoming 1L class.

An extended spring break would mean traveling, and traveling would mean another eruption in positive cases like the return from winter break. While every outbreak so far has been successfully managed, that is no guarantee for future outbreaks. This is especially true as the semester enters its second half and fatigue really starts to set in. A sufficiently large outbreak would mean moving totally virtual, ruining UVA Law’s record and reputation.[2] While Springbreakers have made exceptionally moving arguments asking for just a bit of rest and maybe time to sip a margarita or two, we are not convinced the private mental and physical well-being of students is worth more than the social good of Administration continuing to stunt on their peers.

Analysis

This court has recently reviewed the rights and privileges of UVA Law Students, including the right to stunt on their peers.[3] Precious little precedent exists to support a condemnation of either flexing or showboating between classmates.[4] While this Court encourages collegiality, we cannot deny the competitive spirit that thrives within the Law School.[5] And as the UVA Law School Motto reads, “where there is competition, there will be gunning.”[6] Gunners stay up late and wake up early not because they have to, but because they have not found anything that fills the void quite like the satisfaction of being more tired than a casual acquaintance. They ask the most questions during class not because they need to know the professor’s thoughts on their elaborate hypothetical as soon as possible, but because they need everyone in the room to hear them think out loud. They rewrite appellate briefs the night before they’re due not because they want to, but because the thrill of making a reasonable task excessively difficult has yet to wear off for them. Being a try-hard isn’t easy and it isn’t fun, but this court will continue to defend their right to be insufferable.[7]

We turn now to the rights and privileges of the UVA Law Administration. As much as any organization is merely a reflection of its membership, it would seem Administration benefits from the same protections for gloating that Students enjoy. The Supreme Court ruled in Citizens United that corporations are people too; Administration has successfully demonstrated to this Court that their enormous endowment qualifies them for basic First Amendment protections. Money cannot buy enhanced First Amendment protections like humblebragging, however; those can only be awarded by the Court.[8] In the same way Students benefit from the now-classic “COVID Law Student” humblebrag, Administration appears to have a corresponding flex on the other T-14s. “Yeah running a Zoom School of Law is tough,” Administration can be easily imagined saying at a virtual happy hour event we are sure the T-14s regularly engage in, “but we’ve managed to stay partially in-person this entire academic year. Our students are just handling the restrictions better than the average class, I guess.”[9]

The ability to dunk on other administrations that are still entirely virtual[10] is a flex Administration has become accustomed to making. The frantically spinning gears and noisy machinery[11] keeping hybrid-learning running have their limits—Springbreakers are not the first affected class to bring action against Administration this term.[12] While this court is usually happy to settle disputes at face value and move on with our very busy schedule,[13] as a matter of (presumably) first impression this case has been afforded a slightly deeper dive. Appellant has asked us to answer simply if they have the right to absolutely dance in the endzone at the expense of their peers, the same as Students. We have recognized this right. The question Springbreakers have asked us to answer is if Administration’s right to gloat about their spectacular COVID record infringes on student mental health and well-being in an actionable way. To this question we must answer no.

The judgment of the lower court is reversed.

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dl9uh@virginia.edu

[1] See Licensed to Ill, (1986).

[2] Or whatever is left of our reputation on COVID after the letter to Administration that shall not be explicitly called out.

[3] See Costanza v. Wambsga, 73 U. Va 19 (2021).

[4] Id. (citing Gunners v. Gunners, 231 U.Va. 172 (2002); Normi v. Tryhard, 31 U.Va. 111 (2000); Trump v. UVA Law Vets, 44 U.Va. 101 (1968)).

[5] If you’ve seen us heckling batters at softball games, you understand where we’re coming from.

[6] It sounds better in the original Latin.

[7] This court also believes gunners should not be allowed to vote or hold office, not relevant to this case.

[8] Enhanced First Amendment Privileges can also be won in trial by combat.

[9] The statement would be accompanied by an expression not dissimilar to this:

[10] Perhaps on an administration rhyming with Shmarvard Shmlaw Shmool, for example.

[11] That is, the general well-being of professors, students, and staff.

[12] See Froz T. Snowman v. Student Administration, 73 U.Va 15 (2021)

[13] ABC’s The Bachelor hosts the season’s final finale “After the Final Rose” Monday 3/15, as only one example of our crowded calendar.

Pets of Quarantine: Holly and Chunk

Virginia Law Weekly March 10, 2021

Phil Tonseth ‘22
Editor-in-Chief

After almost one year of quarantine, most people have either learned to live alone, or altered their life circumstances to find “safe” friends. While Love in the Time of Corona featured how many different couples are thriving in their romantic pursuits during “these trying times,” this feature is for those who choose to shop an animal shelter instead of Tinder for companionship. Like this pandemic, love still lives on, so we welcome you to learn about and meet all of the new furry friends adopted during quarantine, and potentially to add a new member to your own family. This is Pets of Quarantine.

This week's guests are Holly Chaisson ’23 and Chunk, a handsome and majestic cat.

Hey ya’ll! I’ll go to you first, Holly. What inspired you to adopt?

My mom is a wildlife biologist by trade, so I grew up with animals. I think at one point our family had twenty-one pets (a menagerie of cats, dogs, rats, fish, snakes, hamsters, rabbits, and one mean gerbil). I adopted my first cat (Midnight) when I was seven years old and had her for a wonderful seventeen years before I lost her in January 2020. After some time passed, I realized how much having a pet around impacted my well-being for the better, so I figured I’d browse Petfinder just to see if there might be another cat I’d want to welcome home.

What exactly drew you Chunk particularly? Did you look for a specific breed, age, or different characteristic?

I was looking for a cat who was a little older and with a calmer temperament because looking after a high-energy kitten in a D.C. studio apartment sounded like hell on earth. Other than that, I was pretty open to any and every cat who needed a home. It was really Chunk’s adoption page that drew me in. His profile on Petfinder was sparse and included only a picture of him looking like a disgruntled Jabba the Hutt and a description labeling him a “large and loveable guy.” And his name. I laughed for ten minutes at how incredibly fitting it was and put my application together once I had regained composure.

Pictured: Chunk, a very handsome young man. Photo courtesy of Holly Chaisson '23.

Was it love at first sight?

Absolutely. And as I later found out, I was the first person to apply. The volunteer who did my home visit for the shelter praised my quick thinking because Chunk ended up being quite the hot commodity when he went live on the City Kitties adoption page.

Chunk, you’re up. Getting straight to the point, what is your favorite thing about living with Holly?

It’s probably a tie between the unlimited snacks and being able to mercilessly taunt my enemies in the Pav dog park from my window.

Holly, how difficult of a houseguest is Chunk?

In some respects, he’s probably as high maintenance as cats come. Breakfast must be served promptly at 4am and he expects you to brush him whenever the mood strikes him. Failing to do either triggers a round of incessant yelling until I give in. On the plus side, Chunk is very tidy. He ensures no crumbs are left behind and takes extra care to hide all of his toys under the dryer so we don’t trip on them.

Pictured: A dedicated law student. Photo courtesy of Holly Chaisson '23.

Chunk, have you made an appearance in class yet? Or are you more of a lay-on-Holly’s-lap-during-class type of cat?

I popped into Holly’s Con Law class last week for the riveting discussion on Constitutional theory and got a shoutout from Professor Hellman.

Have you learned anything so far, besides that law students should take more cat naps?

“Foreseeability goes to breach, not duty.” (Shoutout to El Toro’s dad, GEW, for hammering this home during Friday Torts).

Slight follow up, but also unrelated. What spawned your name? My orange cat is about twenty-five pounds himself, so I’m wondering whether I should change his name.

My sponsoring organization, City Kitties, auctioned off naming rights to me in exchange for a donation to the shelter. I don’t remember who named me, just that I have a slight grudge against them.

Okay, so do you fight with the vet over being labeled “obese”?

Yes. My vet doesn’t seem to understand that my curves are natural and as a growing boy, I really do need four square meals a day plus snacks.

Are you a cat that loves table scraps? What’s your favorite so far?

I consider table scraps essential to my balanced diet. I love yogurt and rotisserie chicken.

Holly, how has Chunk changed your life for the better, or worse? Knowing cats, this could go either way.

Chunk has been a constant source of entertainment and emotional support. Whether it’s watching him somersault around the apartment for no apparent reason, taking a break from reading to play fetch, or even just giving him a big squeeze after I’ve tried (unsuccessfully) to teach myself the Rule Against Perpetuities for the 70th time, having Chunk in my life has been critical to maintaining my sanity during Zoom School of Law. He has also been an excellent space heater at night during this surprisingly snowy winter (for which I am thankful because the insulation in my Pav apartment is a bit wanting, to say the least).

Speaking of food, is Chunk more of a kneader (AKA making biscuits with your paws), or a scratch pad type of cat?

One hundred percent a fellow quarantine baker.

Pictured: True Love. Photo courtesy of Holly Chaisson '23.

Okay, Chunk, let’s see if you can focus long enough to do a lightning round!

Cardboard box, or squishy cat bed?

Neither, I prefer to sleep in Holly’s bed or on top of the dryer.

Favorite spot to sun-bathe?

My roommate Olivia’s bed, preferably when it’s unmade.

Laser pointer or string?

String.

What’s the name of your favorite toy, or do you prefer to play with trash like my cats?

Geoffrey the Rat. But I do love a good bottlecap to bat around.

Biggest pet peeve?

Coffee.

What time at night do you prefer to do the ‘zoomies’ and run around the apartment wildly?

3:45am, right before breakfast.

On a scale of one to ten, how sassy would you describe yourself?

A solid nine.

Lastly, soft or crunchy treats?

Crunchy, I’m trying to bring my tartar problem under control.

Holly, are there any parting thoughts about Chunk you’d like to share, or further convincing you think your readers will need to follow in your paw prints to adopt?

I will say that every person at UVA that I’ve introduced Chunk to (even diehard dog lovers) has either gone on to adopt their own cat or been seriously tempted to do so. If anyone is on the fence about adoption, I’d be happy to make an introduction so Chunk can work his magic.

I’ve always loved cats, especially chonkers. Now I want another one. Many thanks to Holly and Chunk for joining us on Pets of Quarantine and sharing their coronavirus experience. Are you a pet owner that adopted a furry friend during quarantine? A roommate that’s taken on an additional role as a surrogate pet parent for your classmate’s pet? Or an existing pet owner that’s grown even more attached to your best friend? Love comes in all shapes and sizes, and we want to hear about it! Email pjt5hm@virginia.edu if you or someone you know might like to be featured on Pets of Quarantine.

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

Court of Petty Appeals: Costanza v. Wambsgans

Virginia Law Weekly March 10, 2021

Costanza v. Wambsgans
73 U. Va 19 (2021)

Justice Berdan delivered the opinion of the Court.

Facts

Today, this august court confronts a paradigmatically UVA sort of question, to wit: what are the demands of collegiality when faced with an absolutely stellar opportunity to flex on everybody?

Appellants, a group of as yet unemployed 2Ls, sought injunctive relief and punitive damages against the respondent class, comprising all 2Ls who have submitted summer-job announcement posts to LinkedIn containing any of the following phrases, or variants of them:

● “I am extremely excited to announce”

● “I am humbled and thrilled to announce”

● “I am elated and flabbergasted to share the news”

● “I am borderline orgasmic to announce”

For example, as we read in the compendium of posts provided by appellants at trial, 2L Chad Brotherton wrote on February 11th, 2021, “I am extremely way thrilled and excited to announce that I will be absolutely crushing it this summer for the New York office of Paid, Sachsocash, and Souldrainer, LLP.” This post circulated not only to Mr. Brotherton’s LinkedIn friends (connections? What’s it called? Does anyone know how to actually use LinkedIn?), but also to secondary and tertiary connections, as friends “liked” Mr. Brotherton’s post, and the “likes” showed up on their friends’ feeds. Appellants portray these layers of announcements from friends, foes, and randos as a veritable deluge of cringy announcements any time LinkedIn is accessed.

It is important to keep in mind the context of these announcements. The law school is enduring, along with the rest of the world (with the apparent exception of Texas, North Korea, and UVA’s fraternities and sororities), during the ongoing pandemic. School continues to be conducted mostly online, students are isolated and starved for social attention, and the job market is suffering. Appellants note that some of the posts in question graciously acknowledge all these things, particularly the poster’s sensitivity to the fact that many of their peers remain jobless, before announcing their breathless excitement to “Not be one of those jobless chumpsicles.”

As of the date of this opinion, the relevant posts by UVA Law students number in the tens of thousands. Peculiarly, many of the appellants have, since the time of the lower court trial, been offered and accepted jobs for this summer, and immediately written LinkedIn posts about it. This undermines their standing in the case, and creates a conflict of interest, as they are now members of the respondent class. Only a handful of the original plaintiffs remain.

Analysis

There are three appropriate analogs for the types of posts at issue here. See, e.g. Gunners v. Gunners, 231 U.Va. 172 (2002); Normi v. Tryhard, 31 U.Va. 111 (2000); Trump v. UVA Law Vets, 44 U.Va. 101 (1968). In each of these cases, this court upheld students’ rights to flex on everybody, citing several fundamental ideals that have been long-cherished by UVA Law as an institution and its student body. I will consider each of them in turn.

In Gunners, new Law Review members were making the announcement in one of three ways: (1) adding the VLR Myspace page to their Top 8, (2) making the VLR theme song their profile song using their sweet HTML skills, or (3) clumsily alluding to it in an unrelated question in a survey they posted in a bulletin.[1] The court held that all these uses were “...within the bounds of collegiality, since bragging about doing unpaid labor for overpaid professors, in exchange for a gold star on your resume, was just as likely to inspire eyerolls as admiration.”

In Tryhard, a collection of recent alumni filed suit against graduating 3Ls who posted on the social media site Livejournal about their induction into The Order of the Coif.™ The alumni alleged extreme emotional distress and sought pecuniary damages, since the Livejournal posts were read by the alumni’s employers, significant others, and children, who promptly fired them, abandoned them, and asked to be emancipated, respectively. These futureless, lonely, barren alumni were promptly laughed out of the courtroom, since they no longer had standing, given that they were in disbarment proceedings.

In Trump v. Vets, the court confronted the complaints of none other than Future-Former President Donald J. Trump, then a student at Wharton School of Business. Trump filed suit against both the Law Vets and the admissions department, alleging that the admissions office unfairly discriminated against draft dodgers like himself, instead admitting students who brought up their status as veterans on every single page of their law school application. Trump argued that his bone spur stories, combined with a handsome donation from his father to the Federalist Society at UVA, should have been enough to secure him admission and passage through all his classes. After all, it was apparently enough for Wharton. The court found against Mr. Trump’s allegations of discrimination, noting that UVA had on many, many, many occasions admitted plenty of awful people with too much money, but Mr. Trump had been denied admission primarily because he wrote his application in all caps, in Sharpie. The Law Vets’ perhaps heavy-handed leveraging of their military service was explicitly supported by the court as well, with the presiding judge holding that “If you fought it, flaunt it.”

These three cases leave little daylight to condemn the employed students’ LinkedIn posts. Bragging, posturing, and insincere declarations of gratitude are all part and parcel of the LinkedIn community. To believe you can go on Linkedin without being doused with corporate showboating is a nonsensical fantasy that ignores all evidence, much like believing that FedSoc is a nonpartisan debate organization. Law students themselves are famous for animalistic lust for prestige, and this finds a ready platform for expression on LinkedIn. The noted collegiality of UVA Law students in particular doesn’t mean they won’t brag about their progress in climbing the corporate ladder. They just typically try to avoid stomping on any fingers.

The judgment of the lower court is affirmed.

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mwb4k@virginia.edu

[1] They were called bulletins! Blast from the past, right?