Sam Pickett ‘21
Washed-up Reporter
It turns out all those Instagram influencers were right—almost all of our problems can be solved simply by drinking water.[1] In a shocking turn of events, our former News Editor (current Managing Editor) Stan Birch ’22 discovered this week that Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine is actually just bottled water.[2] Birch made this discovery when he and two Pfizer employees walked into a bar. The Pfizer employee asked for some H2O and, just as Birch was about to order some H2O2,[3] he overheard the other employee laugh and say “just like our vaccine.” Intrigued and ever-aware of news happening around him, Birch asked the employee to explain herself. She said that everyone in the world simply needs to drink more water and that COVID-19 isn’t a virus—it’s dehydration.
Birch’s discovery comes in the wake of the Great Danville Migration, whereby most of the University of Virginia student population drove 2.5 hours away to Danville, Virginia, in order to take advantage of the town’s vast surplusage of vaccines because the Commonwealth of Virginia has demonstrated itself to be incompetent in vaccine distribution. The students were rumored to have received the Moderna vaccine, which begs the question—what is Moderna doing to solve dehydration? Students speculate that it’s actually Gatorade, claiming to feel a bit “electrolyte-y” and “shocked” by the whole experience.[4]
When the Law Weekly reached out to Pfizer for comment, it confirmed Birch’s discovery. “People kept complaining about a lack of taste and smell,” the executive said, “but they really had just drank so much coffee that their bodies forgot what anything else tasted like…their systems just needed a bit of a refresh.” When asked about the controversy this may cause, however, Pfizer stood by its effectiveness. It pointed to the statistics proving the vaccine's efficacy and claimed that the proof was not in the pudding, but instead, in the water.
With the Pfizer revelations and Moderna suspicions, one is left wondering: what on earth is in that Johnson & Johnson vaccine?! I posed this question to the Pfizer executive, who shuddered and speculated, “Pedialyte?” I guess we’ll never know.
---
shp8dz@virginia.edu