The 2010s: A Decade in Review

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Will Palmer ‘21
Decade Reviewer At-Large

The ash has finally settled on the remains of the absolute dumpster fire that was the last decade, and I thought it might be an opportune time to lead a brief expedition down memory lane. 

I should note that I deliberately avoided certain topics in this article, either because I didn’t want to make fun of them (large tragedies, important social movements, major natural disasters), because you already know so much about it that it would be boring (American politics in general, the mindless consumerism that is slowly but surely destroying our world), or because I came up with some really, really great jokes but deleted them because I don’t want to get run out of town on a rail (use your imagination). 

2010:

-Snowmageddon strikes the United States, covering much of the country in snow and massive doses of nuclear radiation. The author of this article learns a valuable life lesson about taking shortcuts when he attempts to clear a foot of snow off the driveway with two gallons of gasoline and a barbeque lighter. 

-The world watches with bated breath after a group of Chilean miners are trapped underground following a mine collapse; the temporarily-entombed men are rescued after 69 days (nice). The miners’ story is later turned into a moderately successful action film, Caved In, starring Mark Wahlberg as Russell Wheeler—a heroic, completely fictional American who saves the miners all by himself. 

-Eyjafjallajökull (an Icelandic volcano) erupts, spreading a massive ash cloud into the skies and delaying flights.[1]

-The nation of Sweden produces its very first contribution to world culture with the release of the cartoon children’s game “Angry Birds.” PETA vows retribution on behalf of the innocent pigs portrayed as villains in the game, but gets distracted on the way to Sweden by a delightful cash-only microbrewery that just opened in the neighborhood that you absolutely have to try out. 

2011:

-Pulitzer Prize-winning essayist and speaker Charlie Sheen ushers in a new phase in American performance art with his slam poem “Tiger Blood,” inspired by his formative personal experiences with intravenous drugs, adult film stars, and exotic cats. 

-Occupy Wall Street, the largest mass-loitering campaign since Manifest Destiny, begins in New York City. Bankers take a moment to be briefly amused, before returning to stealing your Grandma’s 401k and spending it on high-grade cocaine. 

-An earthquake strikes Virginia, disturbing residents and opening Hell-portals across the state. The Vatican dispenses a crack team of exorcists to Richmond in hopes of quelling the tide of demons sweeping the land; they are, unfortunately, killed in a botched 7-Eleven robbery almost immediately after arriving. 

-Prince William (“the boring one”) weds Kate Middleton in an extravagant ceremony viewed by millions worldwide, following months of adoring coverage by the British press. The couple’s vows are briefly interrupted when the Queen takes too big a hit off of her vape pen and has a coughing fit. 

2012:

-Everyone thinks the world is going to end because, if someone is a good liar, they can convincingly state that the Mayan calendar predicts an apocalypse in 2012, upon the completion of the 13th b’ak’tun (don’t ask). In an interesting twist, the world actually did end, and we are now living in an alternate reality within the mind of Quetzalcoatl, the Feathered Serpent.[2]

- Mark Zuckerberg continues his quest to learn how to be a real boy when Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion. 

-Joseph Kony’s upstart 2012 presidential campaign unifies grassroots activists across the Twitter spectrum. 

-The number of unsolicited adult photos received by women worldwide increases exponentially with the launch of Tinder, a social networking app for discerning professionals seeking to form nuanced, meaningful connections with people whose personalities and interests they truly care about.

-South Korean musician Psy releases his hit song “Gangnam Style,” which soars to popularity because it has a dance that white people can do without looking like idiots. 

2013:

-Edward Snowden leaks details of the NSA’s electronic communications monitoring program, codenamed PRISM. The NSA’s actions are shocking to millions of Americans with poor critical thinking skills, and the revelations inspire important changes in United States policy, such as an increased interest in prosecuting Edward Snowden. 

-Rob Ford, the mayor of Toronto, joins the elite “Marion Barry Club” after being caught having a good time on camera.    

-The award-winning documentary Frozen opens to general acclaim. A song from the soundtrack, “Let it Go,” (Migos feat. Fat Joe & Pitbull) tops the charts and remains popular in underground music circles to this day due to its gritty lyrics regarding the cyclical nature of youth violence. 

-Pope Benedict XVI becomes the first Pope to retire since the year 1415 following increasing public outrage regarding his handling of the 2011 demonic invasion of Virginia. He is replaced by Pope Francis, who momentarily distracts everyone from the game of musical chairs the Church is playing with sexual predators by saying that dogs can go to heaven. 

2014:

-Russia hosts the Winter Olympics in Sochi and easily takes home the gold in the “annexing Crimea” event, primarily because there isn’t much competition from other nations. 

-Bono takes a break from forging legendary sunglasses out of rare earth metals to ambush us all with a new U2 album, Songs of Innocence, which pops up in everyone’s iTunes account one morning like a surprise request for child support showing up in your mailbox. 

-The 2014 World Cup occurs in Brazil. In the final, Brazil suffers its biggest loss to Germany since U-507 sank the Baependy (look it up). 

2015:

-Representatives of 196 countries gather for a series of high-stakes negotiations that culminates in the signing of the Paris Climate Accord, with the goal of making the surface of the Earth uninhabitable for all but the most microscopic of life forms by the year 2050.

-Leonard Washington, of Eden Prairie, Minnesota, unintentionally becomes the first person to view Nicolas Cage’s entire filmography in one sitting after confusing his grandson’s ADHD medication for his daily vitamin supplements. When asked which of Cage’s films is best, a visibly agitated Washington replies, “all of them,” before running through a plate-glass window and disappearing into the night.[3]

DEBATE: What colors do you see? Photo courtesy quartz.com

-Families are shattered, friendships demolished, and a number of midwestern towns reduced to rubble during the debate over “The Dress,” and whether it is black and blue or white and gold. The tale of The Dress is later made into a moderately successful thriller film, American Colors, starring Mark Wahlberg. 

Left Shark danced its way into the annals of 2010s history with its rousing halftime performance, only to be upstaged at the end of the decade by a Baby Shark. Photo courtesy People.com

-Katy Perry’s performance at the Super Bowl XLIX halftime show is overshadowed by the panicked flailings of a backup dancer dressed as a shark, affectionately dubbed “Left Shark” by adoring fans. Tragedy quickly strikes in the form of a Japanese fishing vessel, the Kobayashi-Maru, whose crew harpoons Left Shark on live network television and removes its fins for use as soup ingredients. 

-The world of sports is rocked by two major scandals. New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is accused of breaking into the Democratic National Committee’s headquarters in a firestorm of controversy dubbed “Deflategate” by the press. Across the pond, a number of international soccer officials are caught up in the investigation of the much less-excitingly-named “2015 FIFA Corruption Case.” Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA and real-life caricature of a Roger Moore Bond villain, is severely punished by being banned from all soccer-related corruption until 2022. 

2016:

-Harambe, a western lowland gorilla housed at the Cincinnati Zoo, is slain by professional hitmen in an assassination plot masterminded by the Mafia—presumably as a result of his lengthy and controversial involvement with the Teamsters. 

-In a rough year for animals of impressive nomenclature, both Acrocephalus yamashinae (the Pagan Reed-Warbler) and Sus bucculentus (the Indo-Chinese Warty Pig) are declared extinct. 

-Perennial understudy Ryan Lochte (best known for coining the term “Jeah”) visits Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics and starts an international incident when he is arrested for public urination during the torch-lighting ceremony; Lochte later skips bail and flees to São Paulo. Unfortunately for Lochte, São Paulo is also in Brazil, and he is promptly re-apprehended.

-Longtime friend of the Law Weekly Leonardo DiCaprio wins his first Academy Award (Best Actor) for The Revenant, a musical comedy about the value of friendship in hard times. Other major wins include Brie Larson (Best Actress, for her role in Room), Ex Machina (Visual Effects), and The Hateful Eight (Most Unnecessary Racial Slurs in a Motion Picture).

-Absolutely nothing else of note happened this year. 

2017:

-Hundreds of social media influencers and their video crews flock to the Bahamas for the inaugural Fyre Festival, organized by Ja Rule and hosted by the Clinton Foundation. Attendees are shocked to find that, instead of arriving at an amenity-filled fantasyland of debauchery, they have been dropped into a Battle Royale-style deathmatch being run for the twisted entertainment of a secretive cabal of billionaires. Three days later, a bloodied Bella Hadid emerges from the jungle as the ultimate victor after eliminating the only remaining competition, former Vine star Trey Robinson, with a katana sword. 

-A persistent whirring sound fills classrooms across America as overmedicated children nationwide discover the fun of fidget spinners. Panic ensues when parents realize that they have unintentionally turned their little tykes into expert wielders of throwing stars and similar ninja tools.

-Former Buffalo Bills running back and Hall of Fame member Orenthal James Simpson returns to the public eye after years in seclusion. Simpson is perhaps best known for his 1968 Heisman Trophy win and still holds the record for most rushing yards per game in an NFL season. Outside of the world of sports, he is broadly recognized for his hilarious appearances in the Naked Gun film trilogy. 

-Pepsi drops the hottest advertisement since Nationwide hit us with a Super Bowl ad about dead kids with a commercial featuring Kendall Jenner solving America’s social problems through the power of high fructose corn syrup.  Following the ad’s lukewarm reception, Pepsi quietly shelves its plans for a Harriet Tubman-themed follow-up campaign. 

2018:

-Darwin strikes from beyond the grave with the rise of the “Tide Pod Challenge.” Jeremy Keller, of Poncha Springs, Colorado, acquires detergent-based superpowers after consuming several pods in one sitting. Keller is last spotted in the UK after misinterpreting the phrase “birth of grime” and going in search of a new arch-nemesis.

-Elon Musk single-handedly saves an entire soccer team of young Thai boys in a daring cave rescue that has probably already been optioned by Disney for a miniseries.[4]

-Prince Harry (“the fun one”) weds Meghan Markle in an extravagant ceremony viewed by millions worldwide, following months of hateful coverage by the British press. Harry and Meghan later make the unprecedented decision to retire from being treated like s*** for absolutely no reason.

2019:

-The American women’s team wins the World Cup for the second time in a row (although calling this “winning” is like calling the Bible a “mildly influential text”). Literally dozens of people across the United States acquire a newfound interest in soccer as a result. 

-The megahit show Game of Thrones airs its eighth and final season, which sticks the landing about as well as the Challenger mission. Pop culture enthusiasts are momentarily united in their disdain, before remembering that the Star Wars franchise exists and can be argued about for literally decades.   

-Pro-democracy protests erupt in Hong Kong after the proposed extradition of Winnie the Pooh to mainland China. After initially failing to quell the demonstrations, the Chinese government unleashes their ultimate weapon, LeBron James. In a surprise television appearance, James launches into a passionate chant of “Long live the General Line! Long live the Great Leap forward!” He later begins a campaign to educate American citizens about the benefits of backyard furnaces and the insidious dangers of rats, flies, mosquitoes and sparrows. 

Can’t wait to see what this next decade has in store!

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wtp7bq@virginia.edu

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[1] Editor’s note: We edited out the author’s joke in this event. Trust us, it was the right call.

[2] Yes, I know Quetzalcoatl is an Aztec deity. Just go with it. Have some fun in your life.

[3] For the record, the correct answer is Raising Arizona.

[4] Turns out it was Netflix. 

What Type of Dinosaur Are You? The Results Will Shock You!

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Phil Tonseth ‘21
Staff Editor

            As one of the resident animal experts on the Law Weekly staff,[1] it is my duty to pass along all of my Animal Planet knowledge to my fellow students who are too skimpy to splurge on cable. However, this article will be a throwback, looking at my favorite animals: dinosaurs. Pontificating about the pros and cons of various dinosaurs won’t keep your attention, as I cannot compete with the brilliance of The Good Dinosaur, The Land Before Time series, and all of the Jurassic Parks, but telling a “gunner” that they resemble a triceratops more than a T-Rex may bruise an already massive ego and hopefully keep you reading. Props if you can identify which dinosaur I see myself as.

            Tyrannosaurus Rexes (T-rex) were seen as the kings of the dinosaur world, which easily analogizes to gunners and their position within the Law School, right? Take a seat, millennials, and let me boomer you for a second. Gunners are the try-hards of the Law School, so from a naming standpoint, they easily match try-ceratops (yes, I know it’s triceratops, but work with me here). Gunners come across as aggressive, peacocking their position and immense knowledge of random hypotheticals to intimidate others. Have you ever seen a triceratops? Those horns are all for show, hoping to scare away anyone who could challenge them because deep down they’re pretty wimpy. It’s pretty blatant when a gunner is in your class, just as it would be obvious to see a triceratops in the wild (secret: they’re massive). However, there’s no bark to the bite of a gunner. Grades are all made up and stumping teachers with ridiculous fact patterns doesn’t translate into anything in the real world. Triceratops look scary, but they’re herbivores, meaning the only thing afraid of a triceratops is the grass on the ground.[2] Likewise, the plant materials used for gunners to write their finals on are more afraid of the professor’s copious amounts of pending red ink than the gunner’s “wisdom”. 

            The true T-rexs of the Law School are the moochers that take the “collegiality” of UVA to its full extent. You know the ones I’m talking about. They live in the snack office while drinking a gallon of the free MyLab coffee a day and hovering by the free food table after every club lunch for leftovers. These moochers come across as aloof, the cool kids, and are always around when you don’t want them there. Come exam time, these kids are asking for old outlines from every club they can find, not to supplement their own, but to simply save on their computer and bum as their own. Nobody likes these kids, just like T-rexs. They rode Jurassic Park’s success to become a feared dinosaur, but what real work did they do in the movies? They only either ate goats that were tied down for them (RIP in peace to the goat), ate the poachers dumb enough to challenge them, or scared off the velociraptors that did the actual work and ate their food. Total moocher, nobody likes either.

            Everyone should know what a velociraptor is before they watch a dinosaur-inspired movie. If not, they quickly introduce themselves with exuberant arrogance and skill, even though they’re pretty small in stature. Same goes for the overzealous softball players around UVA Law. For both of these characters, everything, and I truly mean everything, is a competition. Trying to hit the ball to Darden, equivalent to attempting to eat all of the kids in the Jurassic Park movies, is just overkill. Establishing dominance in slow pitch softball does just as much for your social standing as preying on weaker dinosaurs—absolutely nothing. I’ll be the first to admit that I enjoy doing the softball on occasion, but purposefully hitting the ball at the nice lad in right field who’s just there to enjoy a break from the library is not a cool move. UVA Law doesn’t have a Chris Pratt (to my knowledge) to tame all of the overzealous softballers, so check yourself, washed up high school athletes.

            Soaring overhead, inspiring both a sense of protection and fear, is the benevolent pterodactyl (I will fight to my death that the “p” is not silent, it sounds cooler when pronounced). UVA Law’s pterodactyl is Dean Goluboff. I’ve only heard amazing things about her, but if there’s anyone who can both ruin and/or quick start our careers, it’s her. Similarly, pterodactyls soar from above, where they can easily swoop in to protect their young or utterly demolish anything in its path. The omnipotence of both pterodactyls and Dean Goluboff leave me venerating their existence, while also hoping I never run into them in an empty classroom. 

            Steady, consistent, reliable, and larger than life describe both brontosauruses and our Student Affairs staff and peer advisors. Both of these are always looking out for the little people, even though brontosauruses only do this because they are legitimately massive. In caring for the little people, these two groups become “ole reliable” around UVA Law, whereby 1Ls know they have a safe home to go to in case of crisis (or for free snacks and mentorship). In every movie, it’s a very unwise move to mess with a brontosaurus, as they can destroy you both with their thunder thighs, their ridiculously long and strong tail, and giraffe inspiring neck. I haven’t interacted with any PA or Student Affairs staff that wouldn’t fight for 1Ls with the same vigor.

            Sadly, there’s a lot of dinosaur deniers out there. In the same light, a lot of my peers don’t believe 3Ls exist. It’s very rare to say you’ve seen a dinosaur in person, nor a 3L, especially after Thanksgiving break. 3Ls are thus synonymous with fossils, as there’s proof dinosaurs exist, but it’s very rare to actually see one in the wild.

            Some kids are often seen too much, especially in their pursuit of a significant other. As a law degree leaves us with crippling debt, what better way to leverage your future than attempting to marry a med school or Darden student and assume doubly crippling loans? Always attempting to be flashy while traveling in packs, these love seeking students are stereotypical Stegosauruses. They don’t have a lot to offer, they’re flashier than they are useful (have you seen how cool their spikes are?!), but are willing to stand and graze hoping that something comes by that wants their attention. While both are rarely successful, props must be given to both these students and dinosaurs for consistently putting their A-game out there with little recognition.

            A lot of people can be hard-headed here, especially 1Ls. There is no more perfect dinosaur for these kids than the Pachycephalosaurs. I highly doubt you recognize this dino by name, but if I say that this dino literally has a skull shaped like a basketball meant to run into things like a ram, hopefully a light goes off (unless you’ve tried to do the same thing yourself with a normal human skull). While it will probably be hard to convince the people that fit this personality of their dinosaur doppelgänger, hopefully their brains aren’t as small as their dino counterpart to account for their massively stubborn skulls.

            For the rest of the students, a Pteranodon is your fit. If that name brings up blank stares, think Petrie from Land Before Time. Petrie was always jovial, as these students are mainly here for a good time. However, both Petrie and these students are panicky and anxious in times of stress. More often than not, both are “small but mighty” and are happy as long as they are with friends. Even if they don’t really know what’s going on most of the time, they survive and are generally liked by most!

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

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[1] Refer to Vol. 72, No. 11, “Squirrels Run the World”

[2] No shade towards vegetarians, I put parsley on my meatlovers pizza to hit my weekly vegetable quota!

Happy Lunar New Year!

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Christina Luk ‘21
Executive Editor

Lunar New Year, as the name suggests, celebrates the coming of a new year according to a lunar calendar. One hallmark of this type of holiday is that it falls on a different day of the Gregorian calendar each year.[1]

Although Lunar New Year is sometimes synonymously referred to as Chinese New Year, there are a number of other cultures that celebrate this holiday, including Korean, Mongolian, Tibetan, and Vietnamese cultures. This year, Chinese, Korean, and Vietnamese New Year fall on January 25, 2020, while Tibetan and Mongolian New Year will be February 24, 2020. For all of these cultures though, 2020 marks the Year of the Rat! 

2020 is going to be these rats’ year. Photo courtesy HappyNewYear2020.

What’s the Year of the Rat? It’s one year in a repeating twelve-year cycle that organizes the Chinese calendar among others. The cycle starts with the Rat, who, legend has it, won the cosmic race to be first, and continues with Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, and Pig. Each animal is associated with a set of personality traits. (If you don’t know your zodiac animal, see the end of this article for a reference chart.)

But enough about when the New Year is, let’s talk about celebrations. The way I celebrate Chinese New Year is to eat everything my grandmother makes. It is a really good deal for me. At home, we’ll have dumplings, noodles, whole steamed fish, and an assortment of round foodstuffs, like sticky rice cakes, because the word for “round” in Chinese is also the word for “together”—and that’s what the holiday is about: being together with family. One could say that it is only by becoming truly rotund that I am celebrating the spirit of this great holiday.   

After I’ve eaten myself into a state of plump “togetherness,” it’s time to extend well wishes of health and good fortune to my elders. In my family, the youngest generation takes turns going around the dinner table to wish each relative a happy new year, starting with the oldest relative. After each wish, the older relative rewards the well-wisher with a red envelope filled with New Year’s money. This exchange of good fortune enriches the giver and receiver for the year to come. 

At this time of year, I have the tendency to get homesick. I worry there won’t be enough hands to help my grandmother roll out the dough for dumplings or enough mouths to eat them. I start to miss my family. But the great thing about traditions is that I can bring them to new places and share them with new people! So even though I haven’t been able to go home for the biggest holiday of the year, I get to be part of a set of new traditions here at the Law School. 

Last year, APALSA handed out home-made bubble tea for the New Year, and we’re bringing the tradition back this year on Friday (1/24) in Hunton-Williams Hallway at 11am. In addition, I want to give a shout out to Student Affairs for arranging a Lion Dance in Caplin Pavilion on 1/28 at 5:15 P.M. I think it’s great that the Law School community is celebrating this holiday, though I want to note that Lunar New Year encompasses so much more than Chinese New Year. So, to all my fellows out there, I say, Happy Lunar New Year! 

Years of the Rat: 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020

Years of the Ox: 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021

Years of the Tiger: 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022

Years of the Rabbit: 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023

Years of the Dragon: 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024

Years of the Snake: 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025

Years of the Horse: 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026

Years of the Sheep: 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027

Years of the Monkey: 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028

Years of the Rooster: 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029

Years of the Dog: 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030

Years of the Pig: 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031

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cl3eh@virginial.edu

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[1] This means I have to Google it every year, unlike my grandmother who just seems to know…

The Six Best Relationship-Destroying Pranks to Pull on Your Friends and Loved Ones

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Will Palmer ‘21
Resident Homewrecker

So, I kind of wrote myself into a corner with the Road Trip series, and need to take a little while to figure out how to move the plot along without some sort of annoyingly arbitrary time jump. Fear not—Dennis, Fawkes, Anthony/Carlos, and the rest of the cast will return…but, in the meantime, I have an article to write, and everybody likes listicles, so here’s this. As with most of the things I suggest, don’t try them at home. Try them at someone else’s.[1]

1) “The Parrot Pretext.”This is a classic gag. Use a birthday as an excuse to purchase a parrot for the target of your prank, and train said parrot to repeat problematic phrases at inopportune times. This is one of my favorites because it’s an intergenerationalmethod of trolling: your friend and their descendantswill have to deal with an ornery, mangy, obnoxiously-flapping bird that squawks “Help! Murder!” every time they answer the phone. Truly a timeless prank. 

2) “The Plagues of Egypt Prank Series.”This one is a multi-step operation, but, if you do it right, your friend or family member will truly believe they have stepped into the Old Testament. You know, the really metal one, with the pillars of salt and gnarly sacrifices and in-depth instructions on how to construct a tabernacle. Here’s how you do it:

Step One: Water to Blood.This one’s pretty simple. Just buy yourself a LOT of dark red food coloring, get your tool kit, find a way to (legally) enter your friend’s domicile, and insert dye packs into the plumbing, particularly in the sinks and shower.

Step Two: Frogs.The animal ones are easy, because we have the internet. You can buy 150 frogs for, like, $200. They probably even give you a discount if you use Bitcoin. 

Step Three: Lice/Gnats.See above. If you can’t find someone to provide you with a bucket of gnats, let me know. I’ve got a guy.

Step Four: Flies.Internet. Duh. If you buy the flies and frogs at the same time, you can get the frogs nice and fat before you unleash them upon your unsuspecting friend or loved one. 

Step Five: Pestilence of the Livestock.Take an inventory of the meat in your target’s refrigerator. Later, surreptitiously replace the meat products with long-expired meats in identical packaging. 

Step Six: Boils.Well, now my Google history has “how to give someone boils” in it, so that’s pretty gross. Most of the results were images of medieval scrolls, though, and I don’t read anything written before the invention of not dying of the plague, so you’re kind of on your own here. 

Step Seven: Thunderstorm of Hail.You’ll need to recruit some assistants for this step. Have them stand on your friend’s roof at night smashing thundersticks together and throwing gravel at the windows. Run frantically to the front door and inform your dumbstruck target that it is, in fact, “thunderstorming hail” and that you should both take cover with all deliberate speed.

Step Eight: Locusts.Unfortunately, you can’t get these on the internet- oh wait, you totally can. Now, I’m not saying that it’s a good idea, but you can do it. Just try to avoid areas with lots of crops.  

Step Nine: Darkness for Three Days.You’ll want to get this set up during Step Seven—while your friend is cowering in mortal terror of the “hail” outdoors, have a helper run around and tape black tarps over all the windows and doors, and padlock the entrances shut from the outside. Hope you remembered to bring three days’ worth of Hot Pockets. 

Step Ten: The Super Morbid One.…you should just skip step ten. Your friend/family member will be reduced to a blubbering mess by step four, anyway. It would be annoying if I didn’t finish the list, though, wouldn’t it? I hate it when that happens. 

3) “The Group Gaslighting Gag.”Meet up with some of your favorite accomplices and decide on a target for the prank. Then, every time you are with the target and they briefly leave the room, move a piece of furniture three to four feet into a new position. When they return (and are understandably confused by the newly-ambulatory furniture), act surprised at their bewilderment and say that nothing was moved. The next time the target leaves the room, move the furniture back to its original position. There’s no real “endgame” or “point” to this prank, besides turning your ostensible “friend” into a paranoid, trembling shell of their former self, but hey, some people are into that.

PRO TIP: This prank is even more fun if you use mannequins, because mannequins are insanelycreepy. Not sure why you’re hanging out in a place with a bunch of mannequins on hand, but who am I to judge?  

4) “The Fatwa Follies.”This one is easy. All you need to do is write an award-winning fourth novel that uses magical realism and dream sequences to explore the immigrant experience in Britain, and publish it under your friend’s name. Next thing you know, the Supreme Leader of Iran is pounding his fist on a table and shouting on TV, and your pal is going into a very niche analogue to Witness Protection. You’ll probably have some explaining to do, but hey, all you did was write the book. And put their name on it without permission, knowing full well what would happen. But you’re still a good person. Trust me. 

5) “The Taxidermy Trick.”For this, you’ll need two things: (1) a weird dedication to pranking your friends from beyond the grave and (2) a taxidermist with low moral standards and creative methods (good bedside manner is unnecessary). Organize things so that, once you merrily shuffle off this mortal coil, your body is delivered to the individual mentioned in item (2). Have them taxidermy your corpse into a fun position, preferably with fingers situated so that you can hold various props (such as a parasol or drinking horn). Ask one of the folks you involved in the Biblical Plagues Series from earlier to enter the target of the prank’s house and place your taxidermied remains in a good spot for a jump scare, like a closet or shower. For extra frights, consider asking your co-conspirator to dress you up as a plague doctor or sad clown before dropoff. 

PRO TIP: If you find a taxidermist that alsoworks with eerily realistic animatronics for some reason, well, you know what to do. I really, sincerely hope you don’t know someone like that, though. 

____
wtp7bq@virginia.edu 

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[1]Obligatory “This is all satire” notification. 

Screeching at Pav on a Winter's Day

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Stan Birch ‘22
Staff Editor

Whose alarms these are I think I know.   

Pav only ever brings me woe.  

They think, “Mid-day, the coast is clear,”

To sound alarms and let them blow.   

The house pets all must think it queer,

Not a person is filled with fear.

While mid-day naps we try to take

That sound comes screaming in my ear.

A breakfast spread does not quite make

Amends for a repeat mistake.   

Two mins. notice does not quite keep,

Peace and calm while outlines I fake.   

I only fear, when dark and deep,   

Siren sound rips me from my sleep,   

A month to go before I sleep,   

A month to go before I sleep.

___

sfb9yu@virginia.edu

Homecoming in the Wrong Colors

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Stan Birch ‘22
Staff Editor

Standing on the Lawn, drinking a light beer, and shivering to stay warm was the most undergrad thing I’ve done since graduating. Then again, it was Homecoming. The problem for me: I was cheering for the other team.

I grew up watching games in Scott Stadium whenever an alumni weekend brought my family up. Back then it was obvious which team to root for, but after matriculating at Georgia Tech, the annual bet with my dad on who would win the GT game struck up.[1] We gave each other grief for years, but when I announced I was going to the Law School, my dad was happy to have another Hoo in the family. After cheering for the Cavaliers all season, I had to make the tough decision about which team to cheer for.

As I got dressed in my usual white and gold, I was comforted knowing that twelve of my college friends were going to be dressed to match and sitting around me. What I didn’t take into account was that they would be late, and I would be standing on the Lawn in the cold, holding the ingredients for several mimosas, for forty-five minutes. As soon as they showed up, I realized that all of that was quickly going to be fixed, except the cold.

A few minutes later, a snappily-dressed man[2] approached my friends and was kind enough to loan them some solo cups, welcoming them to the University but cautioning them that “The Lawn does not have a liquor license.” Drinks were transferred, thanks were given, and he disappeared as swift and elegantly as he had arrived. As we mingled with the parents and residents of the Lawn, my friends really got a feel for what it was like on grounds. Beer blankets were donned, and it was time to go to the game.

Arriving fashionably late, like anyone who’s ever been to a pregame, didn’t seem like it would make a difference. In this case, those five minutes meant missing a fifty-nine-yard touchdown pass that was there just to get every Yellow Jackets’ fan’s hopes up. Before we knew it, both teams had scored twice and the first quarter had just ended. This game was turning out much closer than any of us were expecting and we were excited. One person in my group asked if I wanted a beer, excited that Scott Stadium had started selling alcohol this year. With a heavy heart, I informed him that this “gameday enhancement” was not all it was cracked up to be. Once you purchase your drink, you have the honor and the privilege to finish it while in one of the new “beverage gardens.”[3] Most importantly, you are required to stay there if you want to enjoy that overpriced can.

As the end of the first half approached, my hopes were elevated once again, only to suffer the same fate as before. With less than a minute left, the Cavaliers took the lead. Once the teams had rushed to the warmth of their locker rooms, the UVA Marching Band took the field. After a few classics, they were joined by members of local high school marching bands for a “Salute to the Space Program.” It was a fun distraction from the cold, but seemed more like a thinly-veiled excuse to play Bryan Adams’ “Summer of 69.”

The second half had a slow start and an unceremonious finish. The Ramblin' Wrecks far beat the seventeen-point spread, but with the final result everyone anticipated. Just before my friends and I left the game, I spotted a family a few rows in front of me, all dressed in Georgia Tech apparel, except one. The back of his hat read “40 Years NGSL” and the front had the distinct “V Law.” We chatted for a moment and his family offered up a few jokes at their dad’s expense. While the rivalry in his family was alive and well, his parting words were one thing his family and my friends could all agree on: “To Hell with Georgia.”

Getting ready for the PILA Auction, I regretted every decision I had made that day since the festivities began at 7 a.m. It turned out far better than I could have hoped, and the night was still young. I might have been cheering for the visiting team in Scott Stadium this past weekend, but with all my friends gathered around, cheering, chatting, and catching up, it really was a successful Homecoming.

___
sfb9yu@virginia.edu

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[1] In my five years in college (yeah, you read that right), the Yellow Jackets were 4-1 against the Cavaliers.

[2] I’ve since been informed this may or may not have been Dean of Students, Allen Groves.

[3] Virginia Athletics seems to have defined “garden” as a dirt-floored, open, white-flap tent with a small television and far too much security.

1, 2, 3L Perspectives: Halloween Roundup

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“1Hell of a Halloween”

Ben Stievater ’22
Staff Editor

Despite the actual passing of Halloween (making it legally Christmastime, pursuant to the controversial, landmark decision in Thanksgiving v. Target, 456 U.S. 293 (1997)), Friday night was peak ~Spooky Szn~ for 1Ls. Before heading to Bar Review and the Gunners’ performance at Boylan, most of us flocked in droves to a pregame appropriately entitled “Welcome to 1Hell,” the brainchild of Christina Kelly ’22 and Chance Maginness ’22. Host Marcello Kilani ’22 generously provided the space and set-up support, while FYC was kind enough to sponsor refreshments with a tub of White Claws, a keg, and two vats of punch (see vodka with a splash of juice for some color) that proved very effective. The space itself, largely outdoors, was decked with lights, cobwebs, fake blood, and a roaring bonfire (courtesy of co-host Ritchie Vaughan ’22) to create the perfect vibe for this spooky soirée.

The best part of it all, however, was the creativity displayed in the costumes—you never knew who you’d bump into as you both reached for the coveted Black Cherry White Claws. Prison Mike from The Office, fresh off some encounters with the dementors (the worst part of prison, I hear), was there rubbing elbows with denim-clad Britney and Justin from the 2001 AMAs. Sandra Bullock from Bird Box was wandering around blindly, Charles Manson and one of the Cheetah Girls were tango-ing to the tunes as Sharon Tate hid among a group of penguins, and some people even discovered that their classmates had dressed up as them (@ Bennett Robinsons, one of you left your case of Miller Lite behind). Regardless of whether people recognized all the costumes, one thing was clear: 1Hell was a fun, much needed chance for the 1L class to socialize before the real spookiness of finals season begins.

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“One Third of a Real Halloween Article”

Jacob Jones ’21
Event Editor

This Halloweekend, I managed to leave my apartment not just once, but twice. I consider this a major accomplishment for a wise, elderly 2L whose bones are starting to ache when someone says “bar review.” And I even went out in costume—ostensibly as Jacob from Twilight—but without the abs, tan, great hair, or any of the defining features of the character. But I did have werewolf ears, and that counts for a costume in your mid-twenties.

Where does a 2L go for Halloween on a Thursday when it’s pouring out? To Pizza Hut karaoke, of course. Who can resist the combination of garlic bread sticks and amateurism? There is something hilarious and disturbing when you see a grown man in full zombie makeup singing a song like “My Heart Will Go On,” (originally) by Celine Dion.[1] I opted to avoid Celine, and instead went with the almost ten-minute long “American Pie” so that all of Pizza Hut could know how much I love singing. Santa and one of his senior elves attempted a rendition of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Their attempt was hampered by the fact that the karaoke prompt only displayed the male half of the lyrics. After that, people went to Crozet for a bar review someone organized ad hoc.[2]

Even though I had already been out on Halloween, I returned to Crozet to see Panic! at the District Court on Saturday, effectively being pulled back into the fray.[3] More importantly, I wore the same Scooby-Doo costume I’ve had since 7th grade. And even more importantly, there was a new Law School musical group performing, The Justice System.[4] One member was a judge, another one wore a white outfit with black stripes[5] like a prisoner from the 1930’s, and one of them was a respectful representation of a police officer. They performed smash hits with entirely original lyrics, something entirely new for any of the Law School bands. But mostly, Saturday was a great chance to wrap up the weekend. Honorable mention to all the LLMs who made it out that night.

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“A Very 3L Halloween”

Taylor Elicegui ’20
Features Editor

            In a classic move for washed-up 3Ls, I was deterred by the rain and couldn’t be bothered to venture out of my cozy apartment to Bar Review. I took my roommate to the Melting Pot for her birthday and experienced the spooky delight that is eating an entire vat of cheese and chocolate before retiring to watch a Disney classic, Twitches. If you haven’t seen Twitches since childhood, I 10/10 recommend giving it a watch next year. The CGI is. so. bad.

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bes4cf@virginia.edu

jmj3vq@virginia.edu

tke3ge@virginia.edu

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[1] My heart will go on, Mr. Zombie makeup. And I’ll never let go, unlike Rose, who totally let go.

[2] Ad hoc is Latin for “I do what I feel like.”

[3] May I take this moment to suggest that one of the law school bands start performing “How to Save a Life.”

[4] More like lack of justice in the system. Am I right?

[5] Or was it a black outfit with white stripes?

PILA Auction Preview

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Will Palmer ’21
Staff Editor

The Law School’s annual PILA Auctions are imminent! The Live Auction will take place on Thursday, November 7 from 5:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. in Caplin Pavilion, hosted by Professors Kimberly Ferzan and Charles Barzun, and the Silent Auction will occur from 9:00 p.m. to midnight at the Omni Charlottesville Hotel on Saturday, November 9.

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you all know how an auction works. If you don’t, well, Wikipedia exists for a reason.

Let me tell you, folks, this is your opportunity to experience the class, strategy, and mild inconvenience that goes into a traditional live auction. You can also do it while you’re drunk.[1]

The theme of the auction is…Netflix? It’s going to be tough to make a lame journalistic pun about that one but I’ll give it the old college try. “Auction and chill?” …Nah, that’s weak. Come on, Will, you can come up with a bad pun. It’s your fourth best talent. “PILA and bill” has a good ring to it, but it’s kind of obtuse. I feel like I would need to explain that, like, PILA is billing you. For your purchases at the auction. Doesn’t really work too well for my purposes.

Nuts.

Well, let’s put a pin in the quest for a Netflix pun for now and take a look-see at what’s available at the Live Auction.

Items up for auction include tickets to the Caps/Flyers game in D.C. on February 8, a six-month supply of delectable cookies from Lena’s Loaves, the loveable local loafery, stays at a West Virginia cabin and a western Virginia camp house, and a new piece by Banksy.[2] Unfortunately, I was late with my quarterly bribe to Customs Enforcement, so I ran into some issues with the importation of the reliquaries I intended to auction off, but hey, lesson learned.[3] I’ll Venmo them next time. 

A variety of bona fide once-in-a-lifetime experiences are available to bid on as well: An ice cream party with Dean Risa Goluboff and Professor Rich Schragger, a pizza party with Professor Ferzan, a March Madness watch party with the clinic professors, live music offerings by Panic! At the District Court and The Gunners, a basketball game against President Jim Ryan, Professors Andrew Hayashi and Aditya Bamzai, and a portrait-painting session with the esteemed Manal Cheema.[4] Check your emails for the full list, heathens.

I would be remiss to not mention the pies. There are not one but three fantastic opportunities available at the auction for you to pull the classic pie-in-the-face gag on Will McDermott ’22, Dominique Fenton ’21, and/or Justin Aimonetti ’20. If you’ve ever wanted to mash a room-temperature dessert food into a grown man’s face, I guess this is your chance, so go get ’em, champ.  

So, this Thursday and Saturday, get dressed to the nines, have yourself a reasonable number of adult beverages, and enjoy a quintessential first-world experience: Spending money on things you don’t really need, then patting yourself on the back because you helped a good cause. Maybe you can even tweet about it.

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wtp7bq@virginia.edu

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[1] Just act like you aren’t. Otherwise I’ll get chewed out.

[2] I lied about the Banksy. Obviously. 

[3] This is a joke. Do I really seem like the kind of guy who’s late when it comes to managing my reliquary shipments?

[4] Eds.: Seriously, go follow her instagram @mcheezyart and you’ll be bidding top dollar for this.

Combat Obscura: Film Documents Life in Combat Zone

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Chris Boggs ’21
Guest Writer

I originally became aware of Combat Obscura through the veteran community. There was a lot of excitement about the documentary because it promised to give an accurate depiction of what it was actually like to be a Marine in Afghanistan. Far too often, documentaries and films create a glamorized idea of being deployed in a combat zone. A part of the glamorization is the idea of the professionalism of the armed forces. This only goes to further the disconnect between what civilians think it is like being deployed and what it is actually like being deployed. I watched the documentary shortly after its release and thought it did a great job accurately depicting deployment to a combat zone, which includes a lot of unprofessional behavior by Marines.

It was after watching the documentary that I decided to reach out to Oscilloscope Laboratories, the production company, to arrange a screening and if possible, attendance by the director. As the only prior enlisted Marine at the Law School, I felt that this was something I could bring and not have it be construed as in any way political. Rather, I wanted people to get a raw and unfiltered look, and this documentary provides just that. The synopsis below shows what the film is about.

Synopsis

“Just out of high school, at the age of 18, Miles Lagoze enlisted in the Marine Corps. He was deployed to Afghanistan where he served as Combat Camera—his unit's official videographer, tasked with shooting and editing footage for the Corps’ recruiting purposes and historical initiatives. But upon discharging, Lagoze took all the footage he and his fellow cameramen shot, and he assembled quite simply the very documentary the Corps does not want you to see. COMBAT OBSCURA is a groundbreaking look at the daily life of Marines in a war zone as told by the soldiers themselves. More than a mere compilation of violence, the edit ingeniously repurposes the original footage to reveal the intensity and paradoxes of an ambiguous war from an unvarnished perspective.”[1]

Many people don’t like the way Marines are depicted in the film and claim this was not a reflection of the Marine Corps. I was deployed in Afghanistan from January 2011 to August 2011, and the experience I had was vastly similar to what is depicted in the film. In fact, 1st Battalion 6th Regiment, the unit Miles was with during the filming, was the unit that rotated into Afghanistan as my unit was rotating out. For these reasons, I am comfortable stating that this is in fact a reflection of Marines serving in combat during this era. Miles Lagoze describes his thought process below, and it is something I wholeheartedly agree with.

Filmmaker Statement:

“I came from a liberal background but decided to enlist in the Marines when I was 18 as a Combat Cameraman for reasons I still don't fully understand. I had always loved movies growing up, particularly the work of Stanley Kubrick, so part of me wanted to go to war while still having the alibi of being a neutral cameraman. As I soon realized though, the camera affects those it films and their actions, as well as the camera operator's, in more ways than can be imagined. While deployed, I filmed the war as a propaganda tool for the Marine Corps, showcasing different aspects of the military in the wholesome and sanitized manner that was approved by the Marines' public affairs apparatus. I couldn't show anyone cursing or smoking cigarettes during a firefight, and casualties were often forbidden from being exposed. As I was editing the events around me to fit the Marine Corps' message, I was also filming the harsh realities of the deployment, and providing an outlet for the young grunts I was attached with to express themselves in a way that their wives and families back home may not have understood, but that made perfect sense to them during deployment. When I got discharged from the military I kept all the footage that was never released, mostly because I hadn't gotten over the experience and wanted the memories to stay fresh, but also because I knew the rawness of what I had captured was important. The film is composed of the footage I kept, and although it doesn't encapsulate the war experience in its entirety (no film can), I want to show people a side of the conflict and our troops that isn't normally seen, in a way that they aren't accustomed to seeing it. Having worked on it for almost three years after getting out of the Marines, I hope to inspire a fresh dialogue about the war that is centered around honesty, rather than catered to one side of the political spectrum or the other.”[2]

To accomplish his goal, Lagoze created an unfiltered look at the war in Afghanistan. During the question and answer portion of the screening on Friday, he described his decision to show a United States casualty on film, which was a highly controversial decision. He stated, “If I was going to show dead Afghans, I had to be willing to show dead Americans. I wanted both sides to be seen as humans.” In fact, this was the first time a United States casualty was shown on film. This raw and unfiltered look can be difficult to watch at times. It should be remembered that if it is difficult for you to watch, can you imagine how difficult it was to live it?

 I hope that as people watch the documentary, they gain a new understanding of what it really means to live and fight overseas for America while, at the same time, coming to realize that the men and women being sent overseas to fight are not the amazing professionals they are made out to be. I do not say this as a knock on our military, but rather to create a new understanding that the vast majority of them are immature eighteen to twenty year-olds. These young adults are put into an incredibly difficult situation with no clear direction. They deserve our appreciation for their sacrifices, but it must be remembered—they are far from the perfect professionals society has made them out to be.

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cmb5bx@virginia.edu

[1] Synopsis quote from Rotten Tomato at https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/combat_obscura.

[2] Film maker’s statement quoted from Miles Lagoze at http://thedocyard.com/2019/08/combat-obscura/.

Tricks, Not Treats: The Pavilion on Halloween

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Stan Birch ’22
Staff Editor

On October 30, a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night at the Pavilion apartments. Here is a heartfelt poem to document the events. 

‘Twas the night before Spookmas and all through the Pav

All the Nats fans were stirring, a new title they have

Case books had been closed, the devoted’s just opened

What came next, a sound, to which I was awoken

The sound that emitted was of an angry disposition

If decibels were checked, they’d violate the Geneva Convention

We all stood around in our doorways bleary eyed

Looking at each other and not to going outside

After five minutes, no break, I donned my shoes and my cap

I had barely settled in, you couldn’t call it a nap

Twenty minutes went by with no break to the noise

We all looked around for those FireyBois™

When down on Arlington there arose such a clatter

Thirty minutes later, oh here comes a ladder

Marshaled back into rooms, beds or books were awaiting

The email the next day was anything but elating

They “strive to provide a safe and comfortable experience”

Then pleaded we take any fire drill serious

After taking so long they found the alarm was faulty

Every person in the building just got a little more salty

Now here come tornados to spoil a parade and the night

Merry Spookmas to all and to all a good fright 

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sfb9yu@virginia.edu

Law Weekly Faculty Lunch Series: Kim Forde-Mazrui

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Christina Luk ’21

Executive Editor

There are many things you wouldn’t know about Professor Kim Forde-Mazrui just from meeting him. For instance, contrary to popular belief, “Forde-Mazrui” is not a hyphenation of his parents’ last names but of his wife’s last name “Forde” and his own last name “Mazrui.” They decided to hyphenate when they adopted their son. For thirty years, there have been just three Forde-Mazruis in the world, but there might soon be a fourth! Professor KFM’s son recently got married and his husband is thinking of changing his name.

So, because Professor KFM is a mystery and because he is amazing, I made it my mission to grab lunch with him. I flexed my underutilized advocacy skills and invited him to lunch with myself, Grace Tang ’21, and Nate Wunderli ’22 as part of Law Weekly’s faculty lunch series. As we sat down to eat, it became readily apparent that Professor KFM was a fan of the paper and he had come prepared. While I scrambled to come up with questions he hadn’t anticipated, we dove into his life at the Law School.

Here at the University of Virginia, Professor KFM is the Mortimer M. Caplin Professor of Law and the Director of the Center for the Study of Race and Law. Professor KFM joined the faculty in 1996. When we asked what’s changed over the last two decades, Professor KFM cited both the building and the role of technology. The Law School used to be just Withers-Brown Hall, but when the Business School “built that palace up the road,” the Law School bought what is now Slaughter Hall and effectively doubled its size.

Luckily for all of us, when the school underwent construction to merge the two halls, they also revamped the classrooms. Withers-Brown actually used to be called “Withers High” on account of its tacky, plastic school desks. And in true modern fashion, the school had also installed phone jacks next to every seat so people could connect to the internet via dial up. (Footnote: The sound of dozens of computers simultaneously connecting to CompuServe haunts me.)

Professor KFM’s scholarship is primarily race-related and he’s written about child placement, affirmative action, policing, and jury selection. When we asked how his legal interests have evolved over time, he told us that, actually, “I found discussions of race frustrating in law school. I remember, when I joined law review, and my friend asked me what I wanted to write about, I said, ‘Anything but race!’” 

Looking back, Professor KFM attributes his early frustration to the fact that he “didn’t fully agree with either side.” Instead, he felt that he had an “outsider’s perspective, despite growing up here.” He conjectured that perhaps, as an immigrant, he was “less saddled by America’s racial history,” and therefore more inclined to take competing perspectives seriously.

Professor KFM also felt that his upbringing and background had a big impact on his approach to race. Professor KFM’s father was Kenyan, black, and Muslim; his mother is British, white, and raised Christian. For the first few years of his life, Professor KFM lived in Uganda while his father taught political science at Makerere University. In 1971, however, Dictator Idi Amin came to power, and Professor KFM’s father, an outspoken opponent of the dictatorship, came under pressure from the university to relocate. The family moved to Palo Alto, California, where Professor KFM’s father taught at Stanford for a couple of years, before joining the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.  

There, Professor KFM joked, he spent grades 1-19 in “Ann Arbor public schools,” meaning his K-12 education, plus undergrad and law school at the University of Michigan. After law school, Professor KFM clerked for Judge Cornelia G. Kennedy of the U.S. Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals, but he loved Ann Arbor so much he opted to carpool an hour every day instead of moving to Detroit. When we asked if he’d ever move back to Ann Arbor, Professor KFM assured us that he loves his UVA students too much to go. He’s been here twenty-three years and he plans to leave “in a pine box.”[1] 

Lightning Round:  

What’s your favorite food?

Kuku Wa Kupaka , a Swahili dish much like a coconut flavored chicken curry. My mom makes it.   

Favorite restaurant?

Bamboo House.  

Pet peeve?

When people won’t tell me how they want to be addressed when they have a name that can be shortened.  

Favorite show?

Roots, the original 1977 series.

Favorite word?

Equality.  

What’s a hobby of yours?

Ping-pong. I play every day with my wife in our driveway. I’m actually very good despite having very poor eyesight. It’s because my vision is very bad in the center, but my peripheral vision is actually okay.

Has your eyesight always been bad?

Well, I became legally blind when I was ten. It’s genetic, but it was triggered by chickenpox. It’s affected both my older brothers as well as they got older.  

As a scholar, how do you deal with being legally blind?

Technology helps. While I was in law school, I would listen to my textbooks on audio cassette through headphones. My classmates would ask, wow, how do you have time to listen to music, and I would say, music? I’m listening to contracts! Nowadays, I use a talking computer and phone.

What’s your least favorite sound?

A loud lawnmower while I’m playing ping-pong.

What’s your favorite song and why?

“Let It Be” by The Beatles. It helps me feel at peace.

What is a hill you would die on?

Olives are the worst and so are IPAs. They’re bitter!

What do you do for fun?

Watch Sci-fi. I’ve seen every Star Trek series. I also love The Twilight Zone.

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cl3eh@virginia.edu

[1] But maybe Dean Goluboff should give him a raise juuuust to be sure. 

Terror Behind the Walls

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Stan Birch ’22
Staff Editor

As I approached the 30-foot-high stone walls of the world’s first penitentiary, I heard the first scream. There was no narration by Morgan Freeman, no accusations of murder, but I was marched through processing just the same. The guards sorted us into two groups: the ones who were likely to break the first night and those who thought they were tough. Without any input from me, my cellmate dragged me into the latter group, where I was marked with a glowing neck restraint and a splatter of blood on my face. As soon my processing was finished, it became clear what being tagged meant: the inmates and guards could do as they wished, including physical contact, to try to break me.

 Ushered off the bus by a guard succumbing to his infection, I was forced into the first cellblock where the inmates had taken over. The guards and inmates had all been infected with the zombie virus and were out for blood. As we ran through the traps and open wings together, the infected tackled each other and fought to escape their restraints and cells. Those who broke their containment trapped us. My cellmate tried to cling to my arm as we tossed down slides that spilled into body parts, pushed through claustrophobic tunnels closing in, and dragged through a colorful 4-D trap where walls grabbed you and dragged you apart. As we entered the Blood Yard, where the few that had avoided the infection had created a recreation yard that cannibals dream of, the inmates sensed our fear and dragged us apart. Chainsawing my cellmate multiple times in front of me, I managed to find what was left of her later in the Infirmary.

After breaking out of the last wing and stumbling into the misting rain, I channeled Andy Dufresne while raising my hands to the sky. Truly, the Eastern State Penitentiary Historic Site’s event lives up to its name every year. I went twelve years ago and was still fearful of what would happen when I finished inmate processing. Every year, the conservation society manages to create: Terror Behind the Walls.[1]

[1] https://www.easternstate.org/halloween/.

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sfb9yu@virginia.edu

Law Weekly Staff Shares Fall Break Stories

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Taylor Elicegui ’20
Features Editor

As a nostalgic 3L, I spent Fall Break soaking up the sights of Charlottesville. My personal favorite was a Fall Baby Goat Cuddle Session at Seven Corners Farm (an animal experience available through Air BnB). The farm is on Ivy Road, approximately a fifteen-minute drive from school. The goats are, amazingly, very much lap animals and I spent an hour getting to pet and play with many of the twelve or so goats in the barn. There are also two miniature pigs, although they are not as “lap-friendly” and very hard to catch. For anyone looking for a fun brain break or an activity to do with visitors, I would highly recommend! Maybe, if we’re lucky, Student Affairs can be the G.O.A.T. and bring the goats to school for a little pre-finals de-stress.

I spent the rest of break, in classic Charlottesville style, sampling many of the adult beverages around town. I went to some classics: Three Notch’d, Veritas, Carter Mountain, and Blue Mountain Brewery. I also checked out some new (or new to me) places, that I would highly recommend: Grace Estates, Blenheim Vineyards, and my current obsession, the Brewing Tree. The Brewing Tree has cornhole, hammocks, a fire pit, and axe-throwing on Saturdays. There’s a beautiful meadow, so you can take your drinks and snacks from their food truck down and enjoy next to a little creek. I could not think of a better way to enjoy my last Fall Break! 

Will McDermott ’22

Staff Editor

I scanned my ticket, walked through the metal detector, and immediately felt the stadium rumble from the screaming “bleacher creatures” stationed above Gate 8. Playoff baseball at Yankee Stadium is legendary; fans travel across the country for an opportunity to watch their team advance one step further toward the World Series. I, however, didn’t have to do much extra traveling to watch Game Three of the American League Championship Series since I live about forty-five minutes from the Bronx, and the game conveniently took place over fall break (Tuesday, October 15, 2019).

Game Three was the first home game of the series. Even though it was a 4 p.m. Tuesday game, grown men and women were drunker and rowdier than the undergrad crowd funneling out of Virg at 1:55 a.m. on a Saturday. Before the end of the first inning, I saw NYPD eject a row of people. Surprisingly, though, the energy didn’t last very long. The Yanks were scoreless for seven innings and down four runs to the Astros. The electric New York crowd wasn’t there for long. At points, the crowd booed several of their own players and threw beer cans onto the field. The Yankees were not meeting their fans’ expectations—but on the other hand, the fans were not meeting the Yankees’ expectations. If you want an accurate representation of the fans after the third inning, check out Barstoolsports’s Instagram post from October 16 captioned “The only guy that showed up to try to beat the Astros last night.” The Yankees went on the lose the series four games to two. Who knows what difference it could’ve practically made, but for Game Three, the crowd that the Yankees needed did not attend.

Maria Luevano ’21

Staff Editor 

Having visited New York City a handful of times before, I thought I had seen most of the major tourist spots. This trip taught me some important lessons about visiting the city that never sleeps though: there are always tourist things to do and the best way to see them is through an inside (i.e., free) connection. Luckily, it turned out my boyfriend has a friend with a flashy new job at NBC and an ID card that gave us access to basically anywhere in their 30 Rock studios. I was pretty impressed that we were able to freely explore the SNL, Late Night with Seth Meyers, and the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon studios (although we did get yelled at for trying to take pictures). The studios were very quiet during the day and a lot smaller than I was expecting. In contrast, the news show offices were all very busy and many of them were filming as we walked around! Because our tour guide was pretty new to his job, we were all basically wandering around starstruck which made it even more surprising that no one stopped us to ask what we were doing there. It was a great way to get an inside look at the studios and see a different side to a big New York City attraction!

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tke3ge@virginia.edu

wjm7ym@virginia.edu

ml9gt@virginia.edu

How to Become More Cultured on a Law School Budget: Arts and Drama Performances in C’ville for Free!

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Grace Tang ‘21
Lifestyle Editor

As the last Sunset Series draws to an end and October rolls into Charlottesville, you may be wondering what to do with all that free time at your disposal other than chilling at wineries all weekend. As law students, we have limited cash flow at our disposal.[1] Therefore, attending cool events around the city should not break the bank. After months[2] of dedicated research, I have found a variety of art performances throughout the fall and spring with huge discounts available to law students. By attending the events below, not only do you get to indulge in fantastic performances, but you also get an amazing opportunity to support arts and music in Charlottesville.[3]

Virginia Film Festival (October 23-27)

            Now in its 32nd year, the Virginia Film Festival is among the nation’s most acclaimed regional film festivals and one of the most highly anticipated cultural events in the region. With over 150 films and special guests spread out across five days, viewers can watch everything from Just Mercy, adapted from Brian Stevenson’s book about the country’s system of incarceration, to foreign films from around the world, LGBTQIA+, dramas of all kinds. Attending the festival is also a great opportunity to experience the different theatres Charlottesville has to offer. Many locations are at the Downtown Mall or on campus.

UVA Drama Performances (Fall and Spring)

            The UVA Drama program has produced some fantastic actors such as Sarah Drew ’02 and Tina Fey ’92. Maybe you’ll see the next Tina Fey when you attend a UVA Drama performance on campus and watch the drama students perform. The fall and spring seasons of the UVA Drama program include performances of plays, musicals, and dance recitals. With intriguing titles like “Lung,” “She kills monsters,”[4] and “Once Upon a Mattress,”[5] the drama program has some great shows in the works. Free parking provided.

UVA Concert Series (Fall and Spring)

            The UVA music program has a fantastic array of musical performances. These are definitely worth attending, especially because so many extremely talented specialist groups and artists come through Charlottesville. Unlike the drama program, concert performances only have one show or two shows at a specific day for a specific time. Some of the remaining shows in Charlottesville for the upcoming fall season include a jazz ensemble, Romantic Titans— Mendelsohn and Strauss, The Magid Chronicles performed by the Zlezmer ensemble, and UVA Chamber Singers. This is a great chance to see some beautiful performance halls and build up your tastes in different styles of music.  

THE BEST PART $$$ (Drumroll) GETTING IN FOR FREE

            At first, I thought it was a steal to purchase discounted student tickets for performances, as student tickets generally cost $10-12 compared to much higher prices the public pays (e.g. most musical performances cost $50 for the public).

However, I soon discovered the open secret that students can actually get into all of the events mentioned above for FREE through the ART$ program on campus. As law students, we are eligible to attend every event for free (if shows are not sold out).[6] Each student is limited to one ticket per event, however, you can get free tickets for multiple events in the same category. If you wanted to see six films at the Virginia Film festival or three plays this semester, you are welcome to do so.

To obtain free tickets, access artsandsciences.virginia.edu/boxoffice/ and on the webpage, click on the top right blue box that says “Free UVA Student Tickets” for access to the events calendar and reservation of free tickets. I hope to see more UVA Law students at arts performances this year!

___
gt5ay@virginia.edu

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[1] My short course on finance and public equity is clearly paying off. Also, jealous if you are not part of the “we” mentioned above and you can jet off to Ibiza on the weekends (if so please take me in your suitcase).

[2] In dog years.

[3] What I call a win-win situation.

[4] The play is about dungeons and dragons (Professor Setear should check this one out) .

[5] A reimagined retelling of the classic fairy tale Princess and the Pea.

[6] Generally, 90% of shows will have availability for free tickets, especially if booked in advance.

Comic Relief? The Supreme Court Decision that Saved Political Satire

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Raphael Cho ‘21
Cartoonist-in-Chief

On September 20, the self-proclaimed Patron Saint of Political Cartoons, Roslyn Mazer, and the Dean of Vice, Leslie Kendrick, (their words not mine) hosted a discussion on Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell. Mazer was counsel to the American Association of Editorial Cartoonists during the case and served as the FTC Inspector General from 2015 to 2018. Patrick Oliphant, a Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist, was also in attendence because the event celebrated the donation of his archives to UVA’s Albert and Shirley Small Special Collections Library. While the attendees ate their grilled salmon and tofu salads, Mazer and Dean Kendrick discussed the hilarious history and significance of the Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell case.

The story of Hustler Magazine, Inc. v. Falwell began in 1983 with a parodical advertisement for Campari in Hustler Magazine. The original Campari ad featured interviews with public figures describing their “first time” drinking Campari. The Hustler parody used the same format but included a satirical interview with Jerry Falwell, a prominent Southern Baptist pastor and televangelist. In the “interview,” Falwell casually claims that his “first time” was with his mother while “drunk off our God-fearing asses on Campari” and that his “Mom looked better than a Baptist whore with a $1000 donation.” Falwell was not pleased.

Soon after the ad was published, Falwell sued Hustler Magazine for libel, invasion of privacy, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. The District Court granted summary judgment for Hustler Magazine on the invasion of privacy and libel claims, but the jury awarded Falwell $150,000 on intentional infliction of emotional distress. The Fourth Circuit affirmed the decision on appeal, causing Hustler Magazine to file a writ of certiorari with the Supreme Court.  

However, Mazer was fighting an uphill battle. The established media outlets were hesitant to support Hustler Magazine, and the Rehnquist Court had rejected eighty percent of First Amendment claims. Rather than trying to bypass the Scalia-Rehnquist wall, however, Mazer appealed to their love of U.S. history. Drawing on her contacts in the political cartooning world, Mazer added an appendix of cartoons in her legendary brief. She included historical cartoons from Thomas Nast, who was instrumental in the collapse of Boss Tweed, as well as submissions from modern cartoonists such as Patrick Oliphant.

Ultimately, Mazer’s gambit paid off with the Court reversing the Fourth Circuit judgment in a unanimous decision. The Court held that “public figures . . . may not recover for . . . emotional distress . . . without showing that the publication contains false statement of fact which was made with actual malice.” Dean Kendrick stated that the decision “strikes at the heart of what the First Amendment is about” and continues to hold “historical and doctrinal significance.” The hosts also explained that the case represented an “inversion of the traditional political framework” for liberal and conservative judges on First Amendment claims. 

Throughout the event, Mazer injected comic relief (sorry, I had to) into the discussion with political cartoons and anecdotes. In one instance, she displayed a cartoon submission which depicted a butler speaking to the Chief Justice. The cartoon read, “Justice Rehnquist, will you be wearing your hooded white or your black robe today?” Mazer strategically omitted this cartoon in her brief, invoking the ire of the illustrator. She also noted that in Justice Rehnquist’s high school yearbook, he wrote that his favorite activity outside of class was cartooning. And that, in an interview with Justice Scalia, he stated, “I have a cartoon by Pat Oliphant in my man-cave.”

However, Mazer also gave the audience a somber reminder that journalists and cartoonists are increasingly under threat. She listed acts of literal violence, threats of litigation, and the decline of newspapers to emphasize that free speech must be continually reinforced. As the discussion began to close, Mazer left the audience with a pertinent quote from Mr. Oliphant—“In thirty-five odd years of watching and caricaturing public figures, I have increasingly felt that the figures are lampooning themselves and that the business of satire is continually and deliberately being undercut by the subjects.”

___
ic7sa@virginia.edu

Welcome from SBA President

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Jasmine Lee ‘20
SBA President

On behalf of the Student Bar Association, I want to welcome the new 1L and LLM classes to UVA Law! We are so excited to get to know you and see all the great things you will do this year. This is a very special law school and hopefully you’ve already started to see that in your two and a half weeks here. The first few weeks of a new school year are always a little hectic. There’s orientation, meeting people, and finding your class. I’m sure it seemed like just when you figured things out there was then an influx of more people into the building as the 2L and 3Ls returned to start classes last week. We all remember being in your shoes not too long ago.

My suggestion is to take time to take stock of yourself. Check in with yourself and make sure you’re doing okay. Not just academically, though doing the readings and going to class are important. I recommend finding an activity outside of school, because balance is an important aspect to your success here. For example, if you like going on runs, do that. Charlottesville has a lot of great trails and views to explore after all. If you like playing music, perhaps go over to Main Grounds where we have a music library where you can “check out” a practice room and play for a while. Enjoy time with your section mates, but also call your mom every once in a while and fill her in on how it’s all going. Or your dad. Or your best friend from college who has no idea what a cold call is but is happy to support you. Remember you’ve got a support system both in and out of this building that is rooting for you. 

Last week we kicked off the school year with the Activities Fair. We have quite a few clubs on Grounds! It may have seemed overwhelming if you had more than a few that interested you on top of your readings and briefing, but I recommend getting involved. Don’t take on more than you can handle, and remember it’s okay to just be a member of a group and not in a leadership role right away, but get involved with things that pique your interest. It’s a great way to meet new people who can become both friends and mentors down the road. I can almost guarantee there is a club for everyone here. If there’s an organization you missed that you want to learn more about, it’s not too late to reach out to its board and get more information. (MICHAEL INSERT FOOTNOTE HERE!!!!!!!! “See here: https://www.law.virginia.edu/students/student-organizations"

Throughout the year we have a number of events and traditions that you will hopefully take part in. Nothing is mandatory, but these are great ways to have fun and make lasting memories with new friends here. Soon, we’ll have events like our annual tailgate, Dandelion, and PILA. Don’t worry if you aren’t sure what these are yet, you’ll get plenty of information about these and more from Peer Advisors, SBA, and other upperclassmen. 

A personal favorite event of mine is a newer tradition called Fauxfield. It is the brainchild of members of SBA that started last year as a way to have a fall event for the entire school even though Foxfield was scheduled for our Fall Break, making it impossible for the Law School to participate last year. Instead, we had a day of music and fun all our own. I love talking about this event because it’s a great example of the passion and commitment of students at this school to bring the community together. It is a testament that we are still making and creating traditions here. We are looking forward to continuing that tradition this year in addition to Foxfield. We both love our traditions and are excited about the concept of creating something totally new. It’s hard to know exactly how a year will turn out and what new events will be added to the calendar, but SBA is always excited to try something new and listen to what the student body is interested in.

I would also suggest during 1L to take the time, when you can, to explore Charlottesville. Find out why alums are always eager to come back and why upperclassmen say they love this town. Find a favorite coffee shop, perfect your Bodo’s order, and really take the time to invest in this town. 

Your three years here are going to fly by. It may not always seem like it, but I promise you they will. Before you know it, you’ll be headed home for Winter Break, your head full of law jokes that no one in your hometown will find as funny as the section GroupMe, and you’ll wonder where the time went. Enjoy it, celebrate the small wins (survived your first cold call, made it to a base in softball, etc.), and remember you deserve to be here. Don’t get caught up in what others are doing or how you perceive they are doing. Staying in your lane and focusing on yourself is a key part to success. 

Please know that whether we are your PA, club leader, or someone from the same undergrad as you, the 2Ls and 3Ls are excited you are here and happy to help you as you adjust to law school. In the next week, I will be sending an email out with my office hours. Please do not hesitate to stop by and chat!

 ___
sbapresident@virginia.edu

Dean Goluboff Welcomes Class of 2022

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Risa Goluboff
Dean, University of Virginia School of Law

What a momentous time to welcome you to UVA Law School. Over the course of the next two years, we will observe both the bicentennial of our founding and the centennial of coeducation.

As we commemorate these important milestones, continuity and change are both much in evidence. From its charter in 1819 as an original “department” of the University of Virginia, this law school began educating students broadly, with courses in political theory and political economy as well as more strictly legal subjects. Its purpose was to train exceptional lawyers for both the practice of law as well as service to and leadership of the new democracy that was the United States.

That continues to be the mission of this Law School, and it is one that I hope shapes your time here. We will teach you the fundamentals of how to think (and write and speak) with the analytical reasoning and precision of a lawyer. We will offer you opportunities to work with real clients on real cases so that you can acquire the integrity, judgment, and perspective that you learn most effectively through experience. And we will expose you to the broad sweep of interdisciplinary perspectives—economics, jurisprudence, history, psychology, and more—that will enable you to see the big picture wherever your career takes you. You will leave here able not only to deploy the law as it is but also to envision what the law can and should be in the future. In other words, we will carry on our 200-year tradition of educating servants and leaders of the law.

At the same time, evidence of how much has changed at UVA Law School over the past two centuries is all around us. Most fundamentally, who we educate has broadened in every conceivable way from our founding. Almost 100 years ago, Rose May Davis ’22 and Elizabeth Tompkins ’23 became the first women to attend the Law School as regular students. Almost 70 years ago, Gregory Swanson ’51 became the first African American. Today, our community of students, faculty, and staff is as diverse in backgrounds, experiences, beliefs, and passions as we are unified in our commitment to the importance of the law and the legal education that supports it.

Such diversity is a gift. Take advantage of what it offers. Meet people who are different from you, get to know them, learn from them. The honest and respectful exchange of ideas is invaluable—not only in the classroom, but also in Scott Commons, in the sections you have been assigned and the organizations you choose to join. It is not always easy to speak so that others can listen or listen even when the message is hard to hear, but our community of trust and belonging makes that possible. Moreover, those skills are essential to analyzing and solving problems, considering every argument, exploring every idea, arguing for your side, and collaborating with the other. In other words, learning how to talk and listen with professionalism, respect, and empathy in a diverse community like ours is essential to becoming the exceptional lawyers you are all here to become.

I know that many of you are asking exactly what kind of lawyer you will be and what kind of practice you will pursue. You are right to be asking those questions, but I urge you not to be in too much of a hurry to answer them. Some of you may have arrived here with set plans for how you will use your law degree, and perhaps you will end up just where you expect. For many of you, those plans will change. And for those of you who don’t yet have a plan, don’t worry. I am not worried about any of you, whatever your situation. There is so much you can’t possibly know yet.

These next three years will transform you as you gain a new vocabulary and a new way of thinking, as you learn the tools and substance of the law. Law school will change you by running you through the gauntlet of torts, contracts, legal research and writing, and more. You will come out the other side of this year the same person that brought you to law school but also a different person.

Inside and outside the classroom, we will offer you more opportunities than you will be able to take to become your new lawyer self. That is the beauty of a law school that boasts students who are the best and the brightest in the nation, world-class faculty engaged in groundbreaking research, and experiential learning that will let you put your classroom knowledge to work immediately. So join a journal, take a clinic, do moot court, take on leadership roles in student organizations.

Your experiences here will prompt you to imagine alternative futures for yourselves. Imagine yourself in the courtroom and the boardroom. Imagine what it would be like to argue before the Supreme Court and to help a family stay in its home. Try out transactional work and litigation, local government and international law.

Like all those who have gone before you, you will leave here transformed and you will leave here having transformed this place. You will carry on our historic traditions, and you will also make new ones. You make this Law School what it is. It is why we chose each of you to join us and to become us. I know I speak for all the faculty and staff when I say that we cannot wait to see what you will do with your time here, who you will become, and how you will change us as we all, together, embark on our third century.

 ___
goluboff@lawschool.virginia.edu

Greetings From Your Law Weekly Chief

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M. Eleanor Schmalzl ‘20
Editor-in-Chief

Dear UVA Law students, old and new,

Welcome (and welcome back)! The Law Weekly has been gearing up for another great year these last few weeks, and we are so excited to be at it again. As an intro for 1Ls and LLMs who may not know who we are (or 2Ls and 3Ls who have somehow missed the glorious reign of this paper in their law school careers), the Virginia Law Weekly reports on matters big and small, be it a mouse in the WB hallway during health day, snakes under the WB floorboards, a new pricing regime in the UVA Law Copy Center, or changes in Virginia Law Review’s membership policy. While we aim to be informative and to report on major Law School happenings, we also try not to take ourselves too seriously. As last year’s Editor-in-Chief, Jansen VanderMeulen ’19, said in his outgoing column in the spring, this paper offers stories about life at the Law School from the perspective of students, and that’s something students really can’t get anywhere else. Because we have a clear monopoly on our readers, we hope to at least do a good job of it by making you laugh and helping you feel connected to the many parts of the Law School community, even those you may not interact with closely on a regular basis.

While I am writing to all students here, I want to emphasize to the 1Ls how much the paper hopes you will engage with us during your time at law school. The best way to do this is to attend weekly editing meetings in SL 279, eat some dinner (free Domino’s pizza every week; it’s not Bel-Air sandwiches—we’re not made of money—but free is free), and edit a piece or two. Who knows, maybe an employer will confuse the Law Weekly with a scholarly journal––as they have in past years––or ask you about the times the paper has been cited by SCOTUSblog[1] or the Supreme Court.[2]

The less obvious but no less critical way to engage with the paper is by being involved somewhere in the Law School community. Don’t find a hole in the library and stay there all year. Join organizations, write opinion pieces on things you are passionate about in the Law School community, be active, send us faculty quotes! (But not from Professors Mitchell or Doran—you have been warned.) Not only have you chosen one of the best law schools in the country to attend, you have also selected one with a huge array of options to make an impact on your surrounding community. Don’t waste that opportunity. There’s a reason UVA Law produces the happiest law graduates and why 3Ls are actually sad to leave, so don’t miss the good old days that are law school because you “need” to make Law Review or haven’t finished highlighting every line of your textbook because “it’s all important for the final.”[3] You won’t remember what happened in Pennoyer v. Neff, but you will look back and recall the memories you made with good friends.  

In case you need another reason to read and contribute to the paper every week, know that the Law Weekly has been named the best law school newspaper in the country for three years running by the American Bar Association. We work really hard to make this a paper you’ll enjoy. Many schools don’t have a law school newspaper, and not all of your fellow law students across the country have access to stories like these. The paper always has room to improve, but know that this—a weekly, semi-satirical paper—is a unique concept, and we want to keep that alive for years to come.

As you begin your Law School journey (or begin it again), the Law Weekly wishes you the greatest success and the least possible need to understand Latin phrases. We’ll be here, telling the stories of the Law School. We hope you’ll continue to pick up the paper and enjoy!

___
editor@lawweekly.org

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[1] Edith Roberts, Potential nominee profile: Amul Thapar, SCOTUSblog(Jul. 3, 2018, 9:59 AM), https://www.scotusblog.com/2018/07/potential-nominee-profile-amul-thapar/.

[2] Patterson v. New York, 432 U.S. 197 (1977).

[3] Pro tip: it isn’t.

The 1L Guide to Surviving Cold Calls

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Jacob Jones ‘21
Events Editor

The dreaded 1L cold call. It’s a moment dramatized by Legally Blonde and Other Law School Movies I Should’ve Watched by Now. You will never forget your first cold call.[1] I remember mine like it was yesterday. There I was, enjoying mom’s spaghetti, when suddenly my professor calls my name. I panicked, my spaghetti fell on my sweater, and everything was off to a terrible start. Don’t be like me. Do better. Learn from the mistakes of your elders, mostly by reading this column.

Do: Take a deep breath. You read the case (hopefully). It’s all in there. You’ve got your notes, maybe your seven highlighted portions of the text, and your casebook. That’s all you need. Nobody who’s stupid gets in here. You can do this.

Don’t: Cry. At least during the cold call. It’s hard sometimes.

Do: Accept help from classmates. This doesn’t help as much if you’re in the front row, but if you have no idea what the answer is, the answer whispered in your ear by a classmate is better than nothing. And remember to help your classmates too! If you’ve got the Quimbee notes, slide them on down.[2]

Don’t: Let your guard down after the cold call is done. The professor may come back for you for a comparison on the case you were just grilled on. It may be months until this happens. Remember what the point of the case was, because you’re not in the clear.

Do: Be honest if you are completely unprepared. Life happens, and even the best students sometimes come to class without having done the reading. Unless you are one of the ultra-geniuses that live among us who can figure out everything on the spot,[3] it’s going to be a really awkward ten minutes of you bumbling through the case. And that doesn’t help anyone. It will be painfully obvious you didn’t read. So, for the sake of yourself and your classmates, admit your unpreparedness,and promise to do better in the future.

Don’t: Say I don’t know without taking your best guess. Sometimes you can make an intelligent point even if it’s not what the professor has in mind. Most of the time when professors were looking for a different answer, I found the “wrong” answer a student gave on a cold call really insightful. Sometimes giving a wrong answer will result in a professor pointing you towards the right answer.

Do: Remember your professor wants to hug you and tell you you’re doing great deep down inside. But as a legal practitioner there’s going to be people who grill you on topics, and some of those people are not out to hug you.[4] So your professor has to do her best to play the part of a stern judge, or law firm partner, or whoever, because that’s how they help you. And you can help yourself by remembering that, and keeping in mind that you’re playing the role of someone as well. You can think of yourself as the witty lawyer before a judge, a master Jedi being questioned by the Jedi Council on Coruscant, or whatever image of yourself that makes you think of someone who is calm, cool, and collected.

Don’t: Just start reading large excerpts from your casebook. Reading smaller parts of cases may work if they’re actually relevant and you need time to stall. But make sure you’re cooking up a point in the back of your mind while you read a small and relevant portion of text. We all know what’s in the casebook. Your job is to extrapolate, not xerox.

Do: Encourage your classmates even if they didn’t do the best job. I remember feeling terrible about a few cold calls, but having friends say I did great made me question my terribleness.[5] To this day I have no idea whether I bombed out or just did okay, but without encouragement I definitely would be sitting here today telling you all about the terrible job I did.

If all else fails: Make a joke. It will make you feel better to make everyone laugh even if you feel like you’re not doing great. Maybe your professor will even laugh.

___
jmj3vq@virginia.edu

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[1] But other people will forget.

[2] If you are a professor reading this, this is a joke and no UVA Law student uses Quimbee ever, for any purposes, and we all read the cases seven times.

[3] Those people are just the worst.

[4] Have you ever seen an old judge’s wig? Those things just scream “don’t hug me!”

[5] Something something UVA Law collegiality.

Advice for 1Ls and New Professors

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Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor

Welcome to the University of Virginia School of Law! You are about to embark on a journey unlike any you have gone on before. Like a newborn seahorse, most of you have been ejected from your father’s financial safety net and into the turbulent currents of law school. Like the seahorse, you are now literally underwater in debt and will either die crashing against the coral reef or wither away on the inside as you begin to rationalize your shift to Big Law as “a temporary thing.”

This reality might worry you, but fear not! I am your spiritual guide on the way to acceptance of this reality. As such, I have some wise words for both students and new professors. What to do, what not to do, and how to do law school. I may even write a book on that topic and slap on some punny title to sucker 0Ls into buying it just to get an edge on their competition.[1] So buckle up as I guide you like Virgil through the depths of your first $85,000 of loans year of school at the University of Virginia School of Law!

Some simple advice for 1Ls:

1.     Use your middle initial in everything. Law school is primarily about intimidation and respect, and nothing says that like a name people have to linger on for an extra syllable simply because you refuse to make it shorter. You’re basically putting your classmates into a mental armbar the moment they meet you as they submit to your Alpha-betical dominance. History is littered with forgotten figures who chose not to use a middle initial when signing documents. However, the ones who did use that middle initial still live on today, like Jesus H. Christ or Jon B. Jovi.

2.     Come to class sick. Keep in mind that law students are notoriously soft, and pushing through that sickness by going to class and coughing the whole time will show those classmates how tough and committed you are. If you are sick, never sit in the back of the class—always sit in the middle, so that everyone around you can really hear and see your runny nose and used tissues on the table. That will impress them to the point where they can’t stop talking about how brave you are for pushing through the sickness, even though you could have stayed home and asked for someone to take notes instead.

3.     Your gut feeling is always right, so be sure to correct professors within the first two classes of the semester. They don’t call it beginner’s luck for nothing, and professors are always running scared from the students who correct them in class. The best way to get on anyone’s good side is to correct them in front of others, and professors are no different. Always stick to your guns, too, when you feel the professor is questioning your logic. They prefer you be dead wrong and convinced you are right than for you to question your pre-formed conclusions about a given topic.

Advice for new professors:

1.     Never record your classes, and never post slides before class. It weakens the minds of our students and the resolve of our allies. As a professor, it is your job to keep the flame of knowledge alive, and what better way to do that than to only provide a single avenue by which students may learn your material, even though you have every opportunity to provide more? You are a professor, tending to the hearth of learning like the Vestal Virgins of old. However much your students may want you to post those slides in a timely manner, you know that forcing them to guess where you are going with a particularly juicy anecdote in the lecture will keep them lean and fit. This, of course, is the true lesson of your class.

2.     Only assign the most expensive books, and double the price if you wrote it yourself. Like the biblical parable of the talents, you are showing students that in order to make money you gotta spend it. What better investment for them to make than to rent your $200 textbook? Knowledge is never free, and they will be glad—nay, honored—to put down that money to receive the type of knowledge that only a member of The Academy could find useful.

3.     Put your middle initial in your name every time you write it. As I stated above, law school is all about intimidation, and you need to look smart even before the students set foot in your class. What better way to prove this than to put an extra letter in your name? You are showing them that you are more than just a first and last name. You are also a middle initial and a period. When they see that middle initial, they will think of parchment paper, tortoiseshell glasses, and celibacy—all the great things associated with The Academy.

I know that, although this is great advice, many of you will still have questions about law school. I believe that it is important that I answer every single one. So please write in, dear reader, and I will do my best to guide you through your first year here.

___
dac6jk@virginia.edu

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[1] Working title:  1 L of a Ride