UVA Law Works of Art (Part II)


The Law School is home to a number of interesting works of art. Invariably, art elicits different and quirky opinions. We here at the Law Weekly believe it is our duty to not only share the copious amounts of artwork at the School, especially with our virtual readers, but also give you our seasoned art critiques. All photo credits to Devon Chenelle ’23 unless otherwise indicated.

Name: Follow the Leader - John Borden Evans, 2003

Name: Follow the Leader - John Borden Evans, 2003

Drew Calamaro '21: On the first day of 1L, there was a crowd of people near the entrance of WB Hall, just mingling and meeting one another. I walked a little down the hall to go check out my locker, and stood in front of this painting. I thought to myself “oh my god this is us. We are being turned into sheep by this school.” I have yet to see anything contrary to that. This school turns you into a sheeple.

Jacob Jones '21: These sheep represent the law school curve. Everybody’s clearly just trying to imitate the smartest sheep in the front. But at the end of the day they all end up at the same place: the slaughterhouse we call the legal profession.

Doug Graebner '21: The menacing army of sheep comes to claim us and subdue us across a haunted, exhausted landscape destroyed by years of warfare by Demon Sheep. The dissonant serenity of a wintery tree only extends the alienation

Name: Untitled

Name: Untitled

Drew Calamaro '21: This looks like a bunch of people’s bottom torsos standing without a top torso. Perhaps they went into one of those Indiana Jones grave sites and got their top torsos cut off. That would explain the red in the background. The green signifies peace. This painting is a masterpiece.

Ben Stievater '22: A rare hand drawn sketch of a scene from the unreleased, grittier version of Disney’s 1997 animated classic Hercules, wherein the singing muses were all gruesomely decapitated by the Hydra mid-song. Good call, Disney—it’s a little too heavy for the kids.

Jacob Smith '23: Electric bass guitars, hunting rifles, carvings of stork heads—it really doesn’t matter what “they” are. The important thing to remember as Halloween approaches is that evil things happen when you stick five of them together.

Name: Arden Spring - Mary Paige Evans

Name: Arden Spring - Mary Paige Evans

Jacob Jones '21: After the artist had finished shrieking and throwing paint, everyone politely clapped and pretended this had meaning.

Kathryn Querner '22: Can’t believe someone framed my LRW final memo. This has to be like copyright infringement or something.

Name: Mortimer M. Caplin

Name: Mortimer M. Caplin

Leah Deskins '21: This portrait always reminds me of my grandfather, who also liked boxing and was probably a lawyer in another life. In this life, though, he was an orthodontist.

Jacob Smith '23: As I walk to the Caplin pavilion, this painting gives me the impression that an enormously successful rich man is happy and I can enjoy the fruits of his labors.

Jacob Jones '21: Mortimer Caplin has a warm smile that accepts you and your B+ average, despite your full ride he paid for.

Name: Borrowed View, Stoney Basin Polyptych - Ray Kass

Name: Borrowed View, Stoney Basin Polyptych - Ray Kass

Leah Deskins '21: This piece of art has the exact same color scheme as my comforter and pillow shams.

Jacob Jones '21: My class doodles have cooler geometric patterns.

Ben Stievater '22: Are you trying to tell me this isn’t a collage of Kleenex box patterns?

Name: Untitled - Javier Tapia 1997

Name: Untitled - Javier Tapia 1997

Drew Calamaro '21: This piece is untitled because Javier Tapia died in a painting accident before naming it. Many say he would have named it “Jail: a look inside of contracts.” I, myself, would have named it “The misery of networking.”

Douglas Graebner '21: A fascinating meta-commentary on art criticism, showing the photographer’s gaze as he inflicts pseudo-scientific scrutiny on the artist’s self-expression.

Phil Tonseth '22: This looks like the life of my dinner as it progresses from my plate to the sewer. I'm not sure I ever wanted to see this in real life though.

Special “Reprint” of the SBA Letter to President Ryan Requesting a COVID-19 Policy Exemption


Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor

           

The following is a “reprinting” of the SBA letter sent to the university administration on September 23, 2020, asking for an exemption from the new COVID-19 policies. This is a near word for word reproduction of the actual letter and absolutely nothing has been changed whatsoever.

 

Hi Jimmy,

            Look, we know this is a pandemic. We get it. We are leaders, too. We are, in fact, the Student Body Association—the most important legislative body at the UVA Law School. We have a president, a vice president, multiple senators, the whole nine yards. We understand leadership and how important it is to say the right things, since people listen to us. But . . . c’mon, Jim. Jimmy. Jimbo—let’s do away with pretenses. Give us a break. We know you didn’t actually mean to include us in your little “SEC-045 policy changes” or whatever. We’re special—enlightened, in fact. We’re future lawyers. Just do us a favor and give us a break here. We’ll even give you some reasons below, but honestly, all that you need to know is that we are special, we are different, and that for those reasons, we should get an exemption.

1. We have long-distance relationships that are so different from, like, any relationship you can imagine.

            Honestly, you just don’t get it. We have relationships. And not just relationships—these are hotter and heavier than you can possibly fathom, Jim. Clintons-at-Yale-Law-hot, Jim. Do you know what it’s like to not see the love of your LIFE for more than two weeks? Do you know how hard it is to go to our parents’ beach house and not post an Instagram story with them since they’re from out of town because that would be a violation of these new rules? We don’t think you do, James.

            Look, other people may have relationships—even important relationships— that are affected by this virus. But other people aren’t US. And US is what we are talking about here. We have people who have been dating for six, maybe even seven whole months. This type of love is meant to be out in the open and on social media. We can’t. Do. That. With these new restrictions. For two whole weeks. Do you know how fragile a relationship of that length is? If we can’t even see the person we’re dating in person, how are they supposed to remember we even exist? They aren’t. You’re killing this beautiful flower of a relationship in the name of “public safety” and “being a part of the Charlottesville community whether we like it or not.” These are things that pale in comparison with the relationship we have, and we will not let the spread of COVID-19 in the university community affect our ability to post our relationships on Instagram without fear of repercussions.

2. We are smart.

            Jim, let’s get real here—we’re smart. Like, super smart. There is just no way that we’re going to catch COVID. Sure, some of us will go to the bars once in a while, and those people will stop by to say “hi” or to watch a football game.[1] But most COVID cases are with the undergrads, and COVID knows it needs to stay there. Our minds are our most potent weapon, and COVID knows that. That is why we are writing this letter in the first place—because we know it will NOT look entitled, and it will absolutely NOT backfire, oh, say, ten days later, when we get an email about more cases in the Law School community.

            The fact of the matter is, Jim, our brains separate us out from the Charlottesville community and the University of Virginia community. You see, we get all of the benefits of tacking a top eight (8) law school name onto our resumes, but we don’t actually care about the city or the University. You see, this is meant for career advancement alone. The name doesn’t matter so much as the benefit we derive from it. You see that? You SEE that? Then why are we being limited by this new social distancing policy? It makes our lives harder, and the last time we checked, University of Virginia School of Sacrificing Two Weeks of Social Activities For the Greater Good of the Community doesn’t have a good ring to it. Do. Better.

3. Your communication policies clearly show we have been blindsided and are the true victims here.

            James, we had no idea this was a possibility. How could we? Being smart doesn’t mean that we are “all-seeing.” Plus, you know we don’t have common sense, because we go to law school. Don’t you realize that making us watch a video that is NOT on TikTok is tantamount to torture? When we regale the hardships of the past to our future grandchildren, we may not even have the heart to tell them that you told us about this new two-week policy over VIDEO. Imagine the horror on the children’s faces when they realize that you didn’t tell us everything you were thinking about doing via email at all times. That is your legacy. We, the SBA, and almost certainly the greater Law School community,[2] have been victimized by your lack of communication. We, therefore, wag our finger at you and expect to see you crawl back to us with a well-written apology over email.

            We thank you for your time and consideration of these proposals. We appreciate your leadership during these difficult times, and we look forward to partnering with you to create a safe environment for all students.[3]

 

Sincerely,

The Student Bar Association, who have great brains and want to show everyone that, too.

---

dac6jk@virginia.edu


[1] Hi, author Drew here. This is how you know it’s satire. Ninety percent of SBA members do not watch football. Carry on.

[2] Jeb Bush to reader: Please laugh.

[3] This last bit is actually from the SBA letter and honestly, I died laughing as soon as I read the word “partnering.” Imagine thinking you look like a partner when you’re actively asking to not be? Neither can I.

UVA Law Works of Art (Part I)


The Law School is home to a number of interesting works of art. Invariably, art elicits different and quirky opinions. We here at the Law Weekly believe it is our duty to not only share the copious amounts of artwork at the School, especially with our virtual readers, but also give you our seasoned art critiques. All photo credits to Devon Chenelle ’23 unless otherwise indicated.

Name: Floating Column, Lighted Structure and Untitled - Foon Sham 1996

Name: Floating Column, Lighted Structure and Untitled - Foon Sham 1996

Drew Calamaro ’21: Artist Foon Sham was inspired to paint this by looking under his sink. He looked under there because he felt like there was no plumbing. He was right.

Ben Stievater ’22: Major Bowser’s Castle vibes from MarioKart.

Name: Pink Cow and Calf at Night - John Borden Evans

Name: Pink Cow and Calf at Night - John Borden Evans

Jacob Jones ’21: These cows are here for your souls but also to provide delicious strawberry milkshakes.

Jacob Smith ’23: No, you’re not safe from Chickfil-a advertising even here.

Kathryn Querner ’22: Starry Night meets Animal Farm in this turn-of-the-century masterpiece, created at the height of John Borden Evans’ seventh existential crisis in his parents’ basement.

Name: Untitled. Photo Courtesy of Dana Lake ’23.

Name: Untitled. Photo Courtesy of Dana Lake ’23.

Jonathan Peterson ’23: This piece makes having a flat butt a safe space for us men. I approve of this, as someone who doesn’t need anything more to question than last night’s (or that morning’s) readings when I arrive at the law school.

Dana Lake ’23: Art doesn’t need justification, but one wonders what went through the curator’s mind as they chose this piece for HAK hall. Why devote limited wall space to a man with less than no butt? We can only assume the lovingly rendered shoulders distracted the curator so thoroughly they didn’t even notice.

Wholesome Home Cooking in Quarantine


Dana Lake ‘23
Staff Editor

The difference between a chef and a cook, I learned this spring, is that a chef preps. Cooks just go for it. This has never been an issue for me before, as I am happy just being a cook. I firmly believe pre-chopping veggies and measuring out all the liquids ahead of time is a game for suckers and people with recipe blogs. Obviously, I think to myself every time I watch a perfectly-timed gif recipe, these people are not washing their own dishes. Am I really expected to use eight different tiny bowls to hold my spices? I’d rather starve.

I did not realize the enormous privilege built into this approach until April 2020. In Florida, I lived within walking distance of a grocery store. This is my ideal setup, because I love grocery shopping and hate planning out meals. I would spend my lunch break scrolling recipes on Pinterest and buy the ingredients on my way home. If I started cooking and realized I was missing something, I jogged over to the store and was home before the oven reached the right temperature. I was in the store about five times a week. This continued until April, when Florida went into full stay-at-home orders.

I am providing this background so you understand why, one fine spring evening, I started cooking dinner feeling absolutely no need to check that I had everything the recipe needed. By the time I remembered life was different now, it was far, far too late to change course.

Anyway, here is the worst macaroni and cheese recipe of your life.

●      1 pound shell pasta

●      2 cups shredded cheese

●      1/4 cup olive oil because you need fat to make a roux and swore to god you had an extra stick of butter in the freezer (you did not)

●      2 tbsp corn starch because all the stores were sold out of flour when you went back in March and the Internet insisted you could sub in cornstarch for flour on a 1:2 ratio

●      2 cups milk because you have plenty of milk for some reason

●      1 cup creamy Caesar salad dressing because you’re an idiot and thought the consistency was pretty close to heavy cream

●      1 tsp kosher salt

●      1 tsp black pepper

●      1/2 tablespoon mustard

●      Vanilla Greek yogurt (for flavor)

Set a pot of water to boil, then cook pasta according to package directions.

Add olive oil to a heavy-bottomed pan. Heat on medium, gradually whisk in the corn starch. It’s not going to look good. Try to whisk until smooth. Go ahead, try.

Quickly add milk before the whole thing seizes into a brick. Continue furiously whisking.

Add creamy Caesar salad dressing and mix thoroughly. Regret using salad dressing instead of the vanilla-flavored Greek yogurt that was also in the fridge. Add a scoop of yogurt anyway; see if that helps smooth things out.

Add seasonings. Accept that you are fully committed to this meal.

Turn off the stove. Gradually add in the shredded cheese.

Fold in the cooked pasta. Hear a voice asking Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay to mould me man, did I solicit thee from darkness to promote me? You are alone in the house.

Feed your creation to your partner. Listen as he confesses he once made Kraft Macaroni with cream cheese in high school because he had no milk or butter. Accept his insistence that this is much worse. Offer no apologies.

Leave dishes in the sink to deal with tomorrow.

---

dl9uh@virginia.edu

A Definitive Ranking of the Best Laws


Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor

Originally, this column was supposed to be a legal analysis of the UJC’s COVID-19 policies. However, they can pretty much do anything they want. Jacobson v. Massachusetts, the most influential public health Supreme Court case ever, decided that state governments can do pretty much whatever it takes to protect against community infection, provided the regulations serve a compelling governmental interest. I think the policies do just that. Please note, this paragraph is to appease my wonderful and benevolent editor, and in no way really matters all that much. I promised her a UJC article, and this is, in one sense, a UJC article.

            However, I’m more interested (and I think that you, the reader, the patron, are as well) in ranking things. And in the spirit of the UJC’s COVID-19 requirements, I am going to rank the best laws. Has this been done already? Probably. Does this work to fill the void in our school’s paper of record, and in our own hearts? Absolutely. So, without further ado, here are the best laws. And by best, I mean the ones that I have an opinion on.

 

5. Law & Order

            This is by far the worst law. Law & Order is horrifically formulaic,[1] takes too long, and always gets the bad guy at the end. It's the same thing every time. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. The only, and I mean the ONLY, redeeming quality is Mariska Hargitay. She must be protected at all costs. Do I view you as an incompetent with regard to good taste in shows if you watch this one? Yes. But that just places you on the curve with the rest of America. So, go in peace and keep watching, you simple, simple person. Be happy. Eat that medium-well done steak and mashed potatoes while you procrastinate in your room. I commend you for your utter lack of imagination.

 

4. Laws of Thermodynamics

            You cannot do anything that violates these laws. It is literally impossible. On Wikipedia, it also says there is a Zeroth law of thermodynamics, which I did not know was a word. It says, “If two systems are both in thermal equilibrium with a third system, then they are in thermal equilibrium with each other.”[2] Fun stuff. I also think the word Zeroth describes the personality of many people, namely, those who watch Law & Order.

3. Jude Law in Sherlock Holmes

            This is a no brainer. Jude Law is the man, and he is fantastic in Sherlock Holmes. That movie is a guilty pleasure of mine, and I will not shy away from defending it to the death. Jude Law plays a great straight man in this buddy-detective movie. Thank God he isn’t in Law & Order, the worst show ever made. 

Pictured: Jude Law looks dashing, and then there’s Robert Downey Jr. Photo Courtesy of cnn.com.

Pictured: Jude Law looks dashing, and then there’s Robert Downey Jr. Photo Courtesy of cnn.com.

 2. Law of Attraction

            This is a total classic. The law of attraction applies to anything and everything. I, for one, am attracted to the chicken sandwich at Michael’s Bistro. I also think it’s a law of thermodynamics; so, in a sense, it’s a double law. It can apply to opposite people who are attracted to one another, and similar people. It’s the perfect catch-all, just like this article. It serves one purpose, which is to appease my overlord editor by writing an article that semi-analyzes the UJC, and another, which is to entertain instead of putting you to sleep. That’s the law of attraction. Or something.

 

1. Law in American History, Vo. III: 1930 to 2000

            This book, written by the great Ted White,[3] is great. I haven’t read it, but if you haven’t had G.E. White for Torts, I pity you. Anyone who hasn’t had G.E. White in general should be pitied, similar to people who watch Law & Order. Brevity saves the day in this book, as it only stretches to 1053 pages. I would rather read this book about five times than watch another episode of Law & Order. That’s really all the endorsement you really need. It’s better than Law & Order.

Pictured: The illustrious works of G.E. White. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu

Pictured: The illustrious works of G.E. White. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu

I hope you gained something from this article. As for me, I gained a decent word count, which, while under 800, is counterbalanced by my longer article this week. I will be back to reviewing chicken sandwiches next week, folks.

---

dac6jk@virginia.edu


[1] Unlike this column.

[2] Wikipedia.

[3] Tdubs

Time Management in the Days of the Plague


Will Palmer ‘21
Special Projects Editor

Everyone’s schedule has taken a hit recently–but that doesn’t mean that you can’t still manage your time effectively! Here, in no particular order, is some helpful advice for organizing your day and streamlining your lifestyle.

 

- Here’s a tip to start us off: Don’t volunteer to write articles on time management. You’ll save the amount of time it takes to crank out approximately 800 words of bad advice. 

 

- You can save time by multitasking in the shower. If you’re efficient about it, you can brush your teeth, floss, and call your estranged grandmother while you wash. She can’t hear anyway.[1]

- No one wants to get sick, especially these days–but how to keep safe without wasting time? Putting on a mask takes so long. According to the World Health Organization, the most effective (and efficient) way to avoid the Novel Coronavirus is to lather your entire body in a thick layer of hand sanitizer and never, ever go outside. Don’t even leave the bathtub. Hey, I didn’t say it–science did.

Pictured: Flava Flav wears his mask to a grocery store. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.

Pictured: Flava Flav wears his mask to a grocery store. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.

- Meditation can be a powerful productivity tool. To begin your morning, you should spend a half hour in quiet contemplation of your greatest embarrassments and personal failures. Take time to stew over grudges and engage in cycles of negative self-talk. Make a mental checklist of large problems in your life that you have no control over and be sure to review it every few hours.

 

- It’s important to get a good dose of cortisol early on to start your day off right. Make sure to kick your adrenal glands into overdrive by reading the most recent news about unjustified police killings, raging wildfires, and creeping autocracy as soon as you wake up, thereby setting a thoroughly anxious tone for the rest of your day.

 

- The first meal of your day heavily impacts your productivity. To maximize your energy levels, be sure to stick with classic breakfast items such as steak, pasta, and foie gras. It’s important to avoid tiring yourself out with unhealthy “quick fixes” like cereal, toast, and eggs. Instead of brewing coffee, just eat a few fistfuls of coffee grounds while you read the news.

 

- Some of the most productive people on the planet use a technique known as ‘Victimization Visualization.’ This is a thought process wherein the subject spends several minutes imagining themselves as the innocent victim of violent crimes, often creating a deep, lingering sense of personal mistrust and a persistent fight-or-flight mentality. Maintain this sense of suspicion throughout all of your small section meetings and seminars.

 

- As an alternative to spending an hour going to the gym, clothe yourself in several layers of sweatsuits, and strap on a few dozen pounds’ worth of ankle and wrist weights. Proceed to do jumping jacks until you lose consciousness. You’ll probably come to within a minute or so, at which point you’ll be done with your workout. The best part is, you won’t even remember it.[2]

 

- To speed up the home cleaning process, I recommend moving out of your apartment and into an abandoned mine shaft, where you will live as an unwashed hermit.

 

- Managing time spent on social media is key to maintaining focus. To avoid the distraction of having to switch tabs in Chrome, I have entombed myself within a digitally-enhanced sensory deprivation chamber that allows me to watch up to thirty-eight Instagram stories at the same time. In a totally unrelated development, my eyeballs have recently begun to bleed profusely.

 

- Spend an hour or two each day reviewing the posts of inspirational Instagram personalities (ideally from within your sensory deprivation chamber). Their candid, concise explanations of their own techniques are better than anything you’d find in a book and are incredibly relevant to your life right now.

 

- Communicating via email can take up a lot of valuable time that you could otherwise spend watching plants grow or watching the Blade trilogy on Blu-Ray. Here’s a free life hack: Go “off the grid” by faking your own death in an elaborate, vehicular-manslaughter-centric ruse and communicate solely by carrier pigeon for the foreseeable future.

 

- More effective rest can be attained via a variety of methods. I find that spending thirty minutes or so in bed watching live streams of niche European techno festivals is a good way to relax and wind down before I go to sleep. To make getting up early easier, I’ve turned to putting on a “sleep playlist” of Gregorian chanting mixed with the audiobook version of Dante’s Inferno in the original 14th-century Medieval Italian and various historical speeches on the dangers of nuclear proliferation. Trust me, you’ll leap out of bed in the morning.

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wtp7bq@virginia.edu


[1] Remember, the elderly are people too, you ingrate.

[2] Obligatory “please don’t actually do this.”

Zoom Bingo!


After almost a combined semester of Zoom classes, we’ve seen some weird stuff. From pets scurrying across the screen, to taking classes in bed, and inconspicuous toilet flushes, it’s been a strange time to be enrolled at UVA Law featuring Zoom. In an effort to bring some levity to the otherwise end of summer, try to complete the Zoom Bingo board during your next class!

The Humble Bookshelf; or, How to Give Others the False Impression that You're an Interesting Person


Will Palmer ‘21
Special Projects Editor

Every respectable adult knows that obvious displays of material goods are the best way to make a good impression on visitors. However, one of the best available options for this most noble of pursuits has been increasingly overlooked in the modern day: I speak, of course, of the bookshelf. Set aside, for a moment, your plundered sarcophagi and eerily lifelike porcelain dolls and look, instead, to what you can accomplish with but a few pieces of wood and some carefully selected books.[1]

 

Your bookshelf, once acquired, should be placed in an easy line of sight to the entrance of your domicile, and filled with a variety of impressive tomes. Bigger books tend to be better, unless the spine looks stupid, in which case get something else.

 

Now, before we begin, you should keep in mind that my Inherent Bookshelf Space (IBS) is effectively halved by the book-shredding presence of my roommate, Brutus (a chinchilla who I’m reasonably sure is the reincarnation of a Sumerian demon prince). You may have more or less IBS than I do depending on your living situation and other factors, so be sure to assess it before making any big decisions.

 

Let’s get to the books you should choose. Make sure you have something on your shelf that shows how independent and self-sufficient you are. If you want to be subtle, yet also completely unoriginal, get that book about the guy who died in the woods (I forget the title). If you want to make a statement, go with something heftier like Walden. Have I read it? Hell no! Does it matter? Not if I skim the Wikipedia page first. 

 

It’s key to have a few books on your shelf that demonstrate martial prowess. Everyone and their grandma has a pocket version of The Art of War lying around, but have you seen Clausewitz’s Vom Kriege? That s*** is long. It also shows that you understand basic cavalry maneuvers and key methods of resupply in the field.

Pictured: This is an appropriate bookshelf to show off your immense intellect. Photo Courtesy of Will Palmer ‘21.

Pictured: This is an appropriate bookshelf to show off your immense intellect. Photo Courtesy of Will Palmer ‘21.

You should have several books that show off what I call “everyday skills.” Cookbooks fit this description, but they tend to be tall and wide (and thus difficult to work with when it comes to your IBS). You could go for something objectively awful like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but I would recommend books more along the lines of Mark Gumaer’s excellent Fundamentals of Gold Panning or Monarchs of the Fields: The Story of the Combine Harvester (written by the Faye Reineberg Holt).

 

Classic novels are a cornerstone of any dedicated poseur’s bookshelf and might be the easiest section to fill in. Just pick books that got turned into big-budget movies (preferably ones that you have seen). Consider The Last of the Mohicans. I, for one, would rather watch Daniel Day-Lewis sprint through the woods for 112 minutes than read James Fenimore Cooper’s belligerently detailed descriptions of said woods for 402 pages. Spoiler alert: There’s just one Mohican left at the end. If you’re looking for something more cheerful and optimistic, you could always try Cormac McCarthy’s hilariously gonzo travelogue The Road

 

It’s important to imply that you are a spiritually inquisitive person, and the books you put on your shelf can help support this devious façade. Dante’s Inferno looks pretty titillating, judging from the illustrations, and The Da Vinci Code pointed out how nefarious the Vatican was way before Mark Ruffalo ever did. If you’re trying to get really weird, you could proudly display a well-worn copy of D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths (that Zeus guy was a kinky little minx, let me tell you that).

 

To complete your shelf, you may need to resort to what I refer to as “filler books;” larger-size tomes with impressive-looking spines that deal with subject matter you can bulls*** about for thirty to forty-five seconds before abruptly changing the subject. These will vary depending on your IBS and personal knowledge, but I’ll present a couple examples from my own shelf (and the reasons for their inclusion) for your reference. Since I am a genuinely rude person and have a face made for radio (as well as an above-average fondness for nicotine and whiskey), Churchill, Taken from the Diaries of Lord Moran is easy enough for me to relate to and thus spitball about. I watched both seasons of HBO’s Rome while moderately drunk, so I feel pretty confident that I can carry on a short conversation about Mary Beard’s S.P.Q.R. (“Rome? Yeah, that place was pretty stabby”). You get the idea.

 

Remember: The most important thing to keep in mind when filling a bookshelf isn’t “having fun” or “educating yourself,” it’s deceiving other people into thinking that you may, in fact, be an interesting individual with worthwhile opinions. 

---

wtp7bq@virginia.edu


[1] Darker woods are superior when it comes to bookshelves. Walnut, for example, is classier than Oak, and hides beer stains better.  

Swing for the Fences: Unexpected Silver Linings


Michael Schmid ‘21
Managing Editor

One of the phrases I hear most often in 2020 is “getting back to normal.”[1] Among the primary motivators for bringing back Major League Baseball (MLB), along with other professional sports, was to slake the nation’s desire to “get back to normal.” Yet, just like pretty much everything this year, the expectation did not exactly match reality. The game of baseball has been changed in unforeseen ways by the seismic events that have unfolded this year, and the sport will likely look different going forward. That’s not, however, necessarily a bad thing for baseball.

When I first heard that Major League Baseball was planning to return in late July, I was pretty doubtful that it was a wise decision. It seemed almost destined to fail, particularly when I learned that the league eschewed the “bubble city” plans established by the NHL and NBA for their playoffs. This meant that baseball teams would be traveling around the country during a pandemic, playing a sport where players spend a good portion of the game spitting on the ground. Before the season even started, things did not look good. Atlanta Braves star first baseman Freddy Freeman got quite ill with the coronavirus; Boston Red Sox pitcher Eduardo Rodriguez is out indefinitely due to heart problems caused by the virus. Then, less than a week into the season, the Miami Marlins had an outbreak in which at least twenty people in the organization tested positive, making the cancellation of the season look nearly inevitable.

But the season went on, and the rate of positive tests around the League decreased. Once again, baseball re-asserted itself as a daily fixture in the lives of my girlfriend and I this summer. Our favorite team, the Toronto Blue Jays, unexpectedly found themselves in a position to make the playoffs after MLB announced that the playoffs would consist of eight teams, instead of five, from each league. Before the team was able to worry about the postseason, they had to find a place to play. Because of coronavirus concerns, the Canadian government refused to allow them to play in Toronto. Eventually, the Blue Jays found a temporary home just across the border in Buffalo, which made my Upstate New York heart happy.

COVID-19 was an unexpected vehicle for some significant rule changes that have improved the game. First, the easy one: The league instituted a universal designated hitter. Finally![2] Without Bartolo Colón, nobody really wanted to watch pitchers hit anymore. Frankly, this was long overdue. Baseball, however, is a sport that can get stuck in its ways, so I guess all it took to make this change was a pandemic. The other major rule change has also been a pleasant surprise. This year, if the game goes to extra innings, the teams start each inning with a runner already on second base. The reasoning behind this rule is that, since the season is so condensed and teams have very few days off, this rule will help teams score more quickly, which would end extra-inning games sooner. Another rule change instituted for a similar reason was that both games in a doubleheader have been shortened from nine innings to seven. I was skeptical of the new extra-innings rule at first, but it has been amazing. Extra-innings games are way more exciting, and we all get to avoid those marathon, eighteen-inning games that seem to last for forever. An unexpected bonus of the rule change is that it has led to teams bunting more often, which has led to more retired-players-turned-announcers complaining that players “don’t bunt as well as they used to.” In fact, after watching so many baseball games this summer, I’ve learned from multiple announcers that nobody seems to do anything as well as they used to. So let’s work on that, everyone.

Despite the rule changes being a success—at least in my infallible opinion—there were some misses. Topping the list: Fox’s CGI fans that the network put in the stands during games in a sad attempt to mimic live fan attendance. If the idea was bad, the execution was worse. The fans look horribly unrealistic and react to the game about five seconds too late. Seriously, the virtual fans are about as bad of an idea as glow pucks and the football robot,[3] both of which were also created by Fox Sports.

Likely the most consequential way the sport has changed this year has been in addressing the racial justice protests that have been sweeping the nation. Unlike other leagues such as the WNBA, NBA, and NFL, racial justice activism has not been as widespread in a sport in which only 7.8 percent of players on Opening Day rosters and two of the thirty managers are Black. This year, however, players across the league have felt comfortable becoming more vocal. On Opening Day, teams chose to kneel prior to the start of the game. Some high-profile Black players, including Mookie Betts, Jackie Bradley, Jr., and Dominic Smith have spoken to the media about their experiences with racism and the need for athletes to continue to be actively involved in social justice issues. In late August, following the lead of the Milwaukee Bucks in the NBA, multiple teams postponed their games to protest the shooting of Jacob Blake by law enforcement in Kenosha, Wisconsin. When games resumed, players were seen wearing “Black Lives Matter” shirts before games and underneath their jerseys during the games. Fittingly, this occurred on the week the league celebrates Jackie Robinson Day, which honors the first Black man to play in Major League Baseball.

The desire to return to the normalcy of a pre-COVID world is an entirely understandable aspiration, yet it is likely futile. The COVID-19 pandemic, its resulting economic downturn, and the racial justice protests have and will continue to alter life as we knew it before. In many ways, this upheaval presents challenges, sacrifices, and losses that none of us wish to see continue. In other ways, our adaptations to our changed circumstances has led to unexpected silver linings. For baseball, some of the changes brought on by COVID—both trivial and consequential, overdue and unexpected—have shifted the game in a positive direction.

---

ms3ru@virginia.edu


[1] Probably behind, “In these unprecedented times…” and ahead of, “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was on mute.”

[2] *Insert gif of Michael Scott hitting the table and saying, “Thank you!” here*

[3] If you are unfamiliar with either of those, you should look them up. Spoiler: They’re dumb.

Oh, The Places You'll Go! Law Students Describe Big Law, Public Interest, and RA Summer Experiences


Pictured: Debuting this summer, Kolleen Gladden ‘21, Sam Pickett ‘21, and Andrew Teal ‘22 test out different career paths. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.

Pictured: Debuting this summer, Kolleen Gladden ‘21, Sam Pickett ‘21, and Andrew Teal ‘22 test out different career paths. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.

Sam Pickett ‘21
Columns Editor

Summer 2020: The Humanization of Big Law

From the time that you start law school, people tell you all kinds of things about your 2L summer. They talk of luxurious lunches with BigLaw associates; they tell you of weeks of traveling after your program is over; they regale you with tales of work barely done, the adventures to be had, and they remark that all this can be yours, if you simply go through the wringer that is OGI.

            Well, I went through the wringer that is OGI. And while I had imagined a summer ~frolicking~ through D.C., life had other plans. So, on July 6, 2020, forty-nine days after I was originally supposed to begin my program, I sat down in my Ivy Garden apartment, alone, and logged onto the firm’s server. And there I sat for the next six weeks. To best summarize my experience, I have decided to come up with a list of the positives and negatives of having a ~virtual summer~.

Positive: Partners are human, just like us!

            During OGI, you come to fear partners. They are painted as severe people in suits who don’t make mistakes and who frown strongly at a misplaced comma in a resume. They are not people; they are lawyers who only think and talk about the law.

But it is simply not possible to think of them that way when they are video chatting from a random room in their home, shooing their children—each of which is in various degrees of undress—out of the room from the edge of their screen. Perhaps I would have gotten to know the partners through bougie lunches in downtown D.C., but probably not as well as I know them now.

Negative: We did virtual trivia.

            I am actually a big fan of trivia—not because I am good at it or because I know a lot of things, but because there may be one basketball-related question that I can answer and feel important. This trivia, however, was run by a teenager (or a man who looked like a teenager) with an iPad, and this teenager did not know how to work Zoom at all. Also, there were no basketball-related questions.

Positive: We did a virtual cocktail night and now I can make a mean daiquiri.

            In what was a predictably rousing success, the law firm shipped us various alcoholic materials and had someone teach us how to make cocktails. Now I can make a daiquiri, which people[1] really like.

Negative: We did a virtual paint night and I disproved the notion that everyone can paint if they try.

            While the teacher kept reiterating that you “cannot mess this painting up” because “everyone can make it look how they want,” I did in fact mess it up. No, I will not elaborate.

Positive: I really do want to be a lawyer.

            While law school “teaches” you the law, internships are where you learn whether you actually want to practice law or whether this has all just been an incredibly expensive, stressful “passion project.” I was lucky enough to be able to do some actual substantive work this summer, where I discovered that I really did enjoy doing real life legal work. Phew, good thing, because I’ve been saying I want to be a lawyer for a long time.

Neutral: I didn’t eat out at cool lunch spots every day.

            For my health, it was probably for the best that I didn’t eat lunch out every day. But instead, I stayed inside and told myself that I “deserved” dessert on a daily basis. Is that really better? Who knows!

———————

Kolleen Gladden ‘21
Photographer

Kolleen’s Wild Summer Adventure

It was Russell Baker who once said “Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.” Perhaps nothing more aptly encapsulates my personal experience with the summer of 2020. It was certainly a rollercoaster of a season, which I think was more or less true for everyone. When Christina Luk ’21 asked me to write about my summer experience, I had to pause. It’s almost hard to trace when exactly summer began, as my brain may have entered another plane of existence the moment that pass/fail was announced last semester. It is a privilege to have several fond memories of those following months, which were split between long runs, watching my roommate Grace Tang ’21  play animal crossing, writing papers, and watching Kingdom or battling over Dominion with Grace, Ray Hou ’21, and Christina. When May rolled around, I made the difficult decision to leave three of my dear friends to journey back to my hometown of Joplin, Missouri.

 

After a weeklong detour in the Atlanta suburbs (which, now that I think about it, was the first time I spent any considerable length in a suburb) with Christian Sorensen ’21 and his family, I made it back to Joplin and began work. I had the fantastic pleasure of spending the following thirteen weeks working remotely full time for the Federal Public Defenders for the Western District of Missouri. Working with the federal public defenders was incredible. My first task was to create a template for motions for compassionate release under COVID-19, which is essentially a motion requesting an inmate be released or placed in home confinement due to having health problems that would put them at a greater risk of death should they contract the coronavirus. Putting these motions together was possibly my favorite part of the summer. I was also very fortunate to have supervisors who were incredibly accessible throughout the program. When I wanted to learn more about a facet of racial justice work that wasn’t explicitly related to my internship, my main supervisor held a town hall with twelve other attorneys just so I could pick their brains. I am beyond thankful to have worked there.

 

I’m sure outside of work summer activities looked different for everyone this summer. I spoke to classmates who canceled trips abroad and various ventures that are now discontinued until an undetermined point in the future. In Joplin, a typical summer might look somewhat like this: spending time with my same close-knit group of high school friends, sitting outside of Sonic with half-priced shakes, walking the mall, climbing water towers, and people watching at the infamous Seventh Street Wal-Mart. Due to the lack of initial COVID cases in Joplin, some of those activities were still viable for periods of time, within reason. Certainly one of the best parts of the summer was Christian’s arrival in late August. All relationships have their own unique milestones, and I think “voluntarily wants to come to Joplin for a week” has to be a pretty significant one. Although, considering the closest to Southwest Missouri this Atlanta boy had ventured was Illinois, I doubted whether he knew what he was getting himself into. It’s safe to say he didn’t—our week included, among other things: a car chase, an accidental run-in with a U.S. Marshal while searching for the famed haunted “Joplin Spooklight,” floating down Shoal Creek in a duct-taped inflatable raft, my favorite gas station (it sells, among other things, fuzzy dice, cowboy boots, pickled everything, full sets of medieval armor??), and, of course, a trip to the infamous Seventh Street Wal-Mart. As we loaded my car to begin the journey back to Charlottesville, he mused that he couldn’t wait to come back. Now that is a milestone.

 

We decided to turn the 20ish-hour drive from Joplin to Charlottesville into a multi-day road trip. Among our first stops was New Harmony, Indiana, the most interesting town you’ve probably never heard of. I only know it exists because I stopped there for gas on my first sojourn to Charlottesville two years ago. It was home to a socialist experiment in the early 1800s, with the intent of becoming a utopian society. The town, with a current population of about 700, has some truly fascinating remains from that time period. Several labyrinths can be found across the town, and I believe New Harmony’s logo is one such labyrinth in the shape of a brain. There is a large outdoor temple dedicated to all religions. Additionally, New Harmony has one of the largest collections of undersea fossils. It’s a truly interesting visit if you’re ever in the area. We also explored Cincinnati, where we found a secluded little vegetarian café (Sitwell’s Coffeehouse Act II), which was incredible. The walls were covered in amazing artwork, and their tofu banh mi, dirty chai, and caramel macchiato were all beyond phenomenal.

 

The final stop was Point Pleasant, West Virginia. Anyone who knows me well knows my love for cryptids and particularly the Mothman. The Mothman is an urban legend associated with this small West Virginian town, where sightings were first reported in the 1960s. The town has a Mothman museum where the history is fully explained, a coffeehouse that serves adorable (and delicious!) Mothman cookies, and (perhaps my favorite) a life-sized Mothman statue on their main street. If you enjoy cryptids and urban legends as much as I do, Point Pleasant is a must-visit.

 

There you have it, a glimpse of the highlight reel. I hope you all have a safe semester, and watch out for the moths.

———————

Andrew Teal ‘22
Guest Writer

Courts and Coding: My Summer as a Research Assistant

As a rising 2L, I spent this past summer working remotely as a research assistant for Professor Michael Livermore. Professor Livermore’s research explores multiple fields, from environmental law to computational analysis of the law, and I was one of three research assistants working with him this summer on a few of his ongoing projects. His current research spans a wide range of topics, and I was excited for the opportunity to work with him on projects involving data and law. I have been interested in how emerging technology will potentially disrupt the legal field, and Professor Livermore has explored this idea in depth through a unique combination of his legal expertise and his understanding of data analytics.

Although law students all faced unusual circumstances this summer, Professor Livermore did a great job planning an interesting and productive summer for his research assistants. On top of typical email updates, Professor Livermore held a weekly Zoom meeting with all of the research assistants at the same time. We spent this time getting feedback on our independent projects while also hearing about what each research assistant was working on. Professor Livermore was careful to only assign projects that we each found interesting, so we all worked on a variety of topics.

While I did work on more typical research assistant projects this summer, a large part of my summer was unconventional: Instead of legal research, I spent most of my time writing code. I’ve been interested in computer programming as a hobby, and Professor Livermore needed assistance with a project involving data and Python scripting. With assistance from both Professor Livermore’s colleagues at Dartmouth and Jon Ashley, head of UVA Law’s Legal Data Lab, I created datasets for statistical analysis, and I assisted in setting up a model to measure the influence of court opinions.

The main project I worked on aims to measure the influence of appellate opinions on one another over time. While court opinions usually cite preceding opinions that impact their rationale or decision, this project goes beyond citations and explores the actual text of opinions to measure each opinion’s influence. Using a statistical model that incorporates regressions and dynamic topic modelling, text from court opinions can be analyzed to show how the language used in those court opinions is evolving over time. As new opinions are written in different areas of the law, the way these opinions discuss a topic will impact the writing of future opinions. The model observes this semantic evolution to determine an opinion’s overall influence measurement. The project explores changes in opinion language at the appellate level, and this estimation of influence can be compared to the citations courts themselves point to as being influential. This process will hopefully shed light on how courts interact with and are persuaded by opinions of the past.

I am grateful for the opportunity to have worked with Professor Livermore this summer, and I am continuing to work with him on the influence project into the fall semester.

---

shp8dz@virginia.edu
kcg3ar@virginia.edu
at5gn@virginia.edu


[1] My girlfriend.

Can You Tell Which Tech Tips Are Legit?


Sam Pickett ‘21
Columns Editor

As the University of Virginia heralds a new era of hybrid learning, the administration is doing its best to prepare students and professors for the challenges of balancing Zoom and in-person learning. They have created the “Great Lawhoo Bake Off” and “UVA Law Pets” Facebook pages to help students feel more connected, and an “Online at UVA Law” page to help students adjust to online learning.

In addition to those efforts, the administration did its best to give technology tips to a group of Millennials and Gen-Zers who have been using computers practically their whole lives. As a one-semester Zoom School of Law veteran and one of many students who just completed a summer internship online, I thought I could offer some advice as well. But I didn’t want to do this alone. So, I enlisted several of the group chats I am in to provide UVA Law’s best and brightest with some important tech tips™.

Let’s see if you can tell the difference between the tech tips I gathered, and those that the UVA Law administration so generously provided to us. No cheating.

  1. When you are unmuted, people can hear you. When your camera is on, people can see you.

  2. To help keep background noise to a minimum, mute your microphone when you aren’t speaking.

  3. Limit distractions to make it easier to focus on the meeting at hand.

  4. If your computer, or other technology, does not work, try turning it off and then back on.

  5. Wear clothes rather than pajamas.

  6. Keep your camera on, unless you need to take a break, but remember that you are on camera.

  7. Don’t eat during class and avoid other distracting activities.

  8. If clicking something doesn’t work, try clicking the other mouse button. If the other mouse button doesn’t work, try the first one again.

  9. If your Internet stops working, make sure the modem is still plugged in. If the modem is not plugged in, you will not be able to connect to your WiFi.

  10. When attending classes that are hybrid, use headphones to help you hear better.

  11. If you cannot hear the professor, turn up the volume on your computer.

  12. If your computer cannot maintain its charge during the entire class, buy a new laptop.

  13. Prevent your computer from dying by keeping it charged.

  14. Manage your time by arriving to an online class a few minutes before it starts.

  15. Do not bring the computer to the bathroom with you. This will help avoid uncomfortable situations and is generally more hygienic.

  16. Remember, people can see you and the area behind you when you are on camera.

  17. Make sure you have Internet access. If you don’t have access to the Internet, you will not be able to use Zoom.

So, there you have it, folks. We here at the Law Weekly certainly do our best to help keep you prepared as possible for this transition to online classes. Check the end of the article for the Answer Key.

Pictured: Spoiler Alert! Here are the official rules for Zoom Etiquette. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu

Pictured: Spoiler Alert! Here are the official rules for Zoom Etiquette. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu

If you correctly identified the fake tips, congratulations! If you didn’t, then please send me an email to confirm that I am as clever as I think I am. Don’t send me an email if you got them all correct, though. That doesn’t help my self-esteem.

In the meantime, I wish you all the best of luck navigating a semester of hybrid classes. If you have other clever tech tips, don’t forget to share!

---

shp8dz@virginia.edu


Answer Key: (R= Real UVA Tip; F= Fake Tip)

(1) F; (2) R, from “Zoom Etiquette for Students”; (3) R, from “Zoom Etiquette for Students”; (4) F; (5) R, from “Online at UVA Law”; (6) R, from “Zoom Etiquette for Students”; (7) R, from “Zoom Etiquette for Students”; (8) F; (9) F; (10) R, from “Online at UVA Law”; (11) R, reported by a student; (12) R, from the mock hybrid class; (13) F; (14) R, from “Zoom Etiquette for Students”; (15) F; (16) R, from “Zoom Etiquette for Students”; (17) F

Get to Know the Head Peer Advisors!


Kathryn Querner ‘22
Executive Editor

The Peer Advisor (PA) program at UVA Law exists to guide 1L students as they navigate the transition to the personal and academic challenges of life at the Law School. Each 1L section is assigned eight or nine PAs—consisting of both 2L and 3L students—each of whom provides a broad range of support and advice to the students in his or her section. The success of the program can be attributed in large part to the involvement of its co-directors, Zac Bell ’21 and Kat Goebel ’21, as well as the dedication of each individual PA.

Goebel and Bell both served as PAs for my 1L section and, I might add, provided exceptional support and encouragement. I reached out to them with the hope of learning more about their vision for the PA Program this year. 

Can you tell us a bit about yourself?

Goebel: I was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as the second oldest of five children. I love to read, garden, play softball, and draw portraits! My favorite Charlottesville pastime is trying new restaurants—if you’re looking for a place to eat, I have great recommendations.

Bell: Well, I was also born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I have a lot of family and friends in the city and plan on returning here to practice after graduation. For undergrad, I went to a small university in northwestern Pennsylvania called Edinboro University. It was basically a little snow globe. While I originally intended to go directly to law school after undergrad, I ended up taking two years off and working in higher education before I started at UVA Law.

What prompted you to become a PA? And then, what prompted you to be co-directors of the PA program for this year?

Goebel: I wanted to become a PA because my first semester of law school was, admittedly, very challenging. With the help of my PAs, I made positive changes to my daily routine. Whether I was having a bad day, needed advice, or wanted someone to simply listen, I felt comfortable reaching out to my PAs for assistance. After experiencing firsthand the value of peer mentorship, I knew I wanted to give back to the program that had done so much for me and my growth as a law student. And becoming a Peer Advisor was incredibly rewarding. I loved creating relationships with 1Ls and helping others work through obstacles. I loved the PA program so much that applying to become a co-head PA was a no-brainer.

Bell: Like I said earlier, I worked in higher education for two years before law school. In this role, I mentored and worked with undergraduate students in a variety of roles. I know that coming to law school was the right choice for me, but since leaving that job, I felt like something was missing. Becoming a PA, and subsequently co-head PA, helped me fill that void and get back to doing something I’m passionate about: mentoring others.

What have been some challenges of adapting the PA program to the Law School’s new COVID protocols?

Goebel: Fortunately, we have not needed to make drastic changes to the PA program due to accessible video-call technology like FaceTime and Zoom. Rather than hosting in-person social events, we are encouraging PAs to connect with their advisees virtually. Online meetings and social events will help keep everyone safe while enabling online-only students to connect to the UVA Law community from afar. Also, PAs have always used texting, email, and phone calls to speak with their 1Ls. We chose a diverse and impressive group of individuals to serve as PAs this year, and we are confident that PAs will be creative in connecting with first-year students.

What changes are hoping to make to the PA program this year?

Bell: The biggest change we’re making this year is to the small section program. In the past, small sections were a way to make connections within a section. Every month, a PA would be paired with a handful of 1Ls to work with. While this allowed for plenty of cross-section pairings, the frequent changing of small sections made it tough for 1Ls and PAs to form solid connections. This year PAs will have a handful of 1Ls assigned to their small section for about eight weeks at a time, instead of only a month.

 

In selecting PAs for this year, what qualities did you look for? And what role(s) do you see the PAs serving for their 1Ls?

Goebel: When selecting students for the PA program, we are never looking for a particular type of person. We wanted to select a diverse group of individuals with different skill sets, qualities, and backgrounds. In my mind, a successful PA devotes time to their advisees, offers sound advice when prompted, and makes a genuine effort to connect with their mentees.

 

Do you have any advice for the 1Ls?

Goebel: To every 1L, you are impressive and deserve to be here at UVA Law! Imposter syndrome is very real, but try not to let feelings of self-doubt prevent you from enjoying your time here. There is also no “right” way to be a law student and get through law school. Everyone learns, studies, and strategizes differently.

Bell: Stay connected with those non-law school friends! At the end of a long study session, you’re going to want, and sometimes need, to decompress and gossip with someone about literally anything other than law. If you get too insulated in the Law School community, you might find you don’t have these people to reach out to. Personally, I FaceTime a non-law school friend at least a few times a week to talk about politics, pop culture, or just things going on in our lives. Obviously, you can find law school students with similar interests that you can decompress with, but just knowing that the person on the other end of the conversation isn’t going to try to sneak in a law school joke is relaxing in and of itself. Sometimes, you have to be able to fully unplug.

Many thanks to Zac and Kat for sharing their thoughts on the PA program this year! The transition to law school can be challenging, but the advice and mentorship of each PA serves to ease this transition for many 1L students.

 ---

kmq8vf@virginia.edu

Tips to Have 1L of a Time!


Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor


My dearest 1L peers,

Like Moses with his Ten Commandments, I am once again coming down from the mountaintop of debt to provide you with much-needed advice and encouragement. 1L year is a truly magical time, and the people you meet now will likely become lifelong stepping stones toward success friends. However, this journey is perilous, and it is my duty to light the way for you, as many have done for me.

Pictured: Drew Calamaro ‘21 prophetically shares his secrets to 1Ls. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.

Pictured: Drew Calamaro ‘21 prophetically shares his secrets to 1Ls. Photo Courtesy of Drew Calamaro ‘21.

1.    Trust no one.

You are in law school, not trust school. That can be dealt with in Trusts & Estates should you choose to figure out what that is. Law school is all about the acquisition of power and its exertion over others. As such, I suggest you do something to stake your claim in your section, such as joining the SBA. That will really make people respect you, and, hopefully, fear you as well.


2.    Complain about anything and everything whenever possible.

Socrates was a gadfly to Sparta (my editors will probably “fact” check me but he wasn’t even real so I get to pick),so why shouldn’t you be a gadfly to everyone around you? Furthermore, no one is going through the same things you are, and the playing field is definitely not equal when the test time is changed at the last minute for the entire class. No, you are the only one who has to bear the severe consequences of such heavy burdens, and it is your duty to complain over Zoom, in your GroupMe, and at home. The act of complaining is a soothing balm to the ears of any future lawyer, and there is no way they will understand your struggle unless you complain.


3.    Buy the 1L of a Ride book.

You suckers. By all means waste your money—you’re here reading this, after all.


4.    As stated last year, using your middle initial makes you sound smart, successful, not egotistical, and totally sophisticated.

My position remains the same: Using your middle initial tells people you are smart, you are capable, and that you absolutely do not have an inflated ego. There is truly no better feeling than writing out your middle initial and dotting the period with a flourish of your quill pen. Thomas R. Jefferson did this, so did John H. Hancock, why shouldn’t you? Sidenote, the word for someone who does this in German is Backpfeifengesicht, which means “wise beyond comprehension.” If only more lawyers used their middle initial, p’raps the world would be a more harmonious place.


5.    Your peer advisors should be treated as your elders, even if they are K-JDs with no real-world experience.

As a Peer Advisor Peer (PAP), I know these people. They are highly trustworthy and are wise in the ways of the law school world. They will provide novel advice such as “you are meant to be here or else you wouldn’t be,” or “make sure you start outlining, and don’t be afraid to reach out to professors.” This earthshaking information can make or break your legal career. Far too many of my fellow law students have ignored the advice of their PAs. They are no longer with us.


6.    If you aren’t understanding how to do law school, just drop out.

The true mark of a lawyer is being brave enough to feel nothing about the sunk cost of time and money and to trust your heart’s desires. However, you remember that you don’t have a heart, which is why you’re taking that BigLaw job, and you end up staying. Maybe ask your Peer Advisors what you should do with your life—they have plenty of experience.


7.    Journals are the most fulfilling use of your time.

We will go over this at the beginning of next semester, but just know that the journal tryouts process is absolutely not arbitrary and capricious. It is certainly not the stupidest exercise I have ever done. You should absolutely do it. The people who run it are competent.


8.    The administration will always be willing to work with you.

Sometimes it takes over 5,000 signatures for them to do so, but they will certainly provide you with answers. Sometimes those answers lead to more questions, which lead to non-answers, but isn’t that the true lesson of law school?


9.    Never sleep, never exercise, and don’t eat well.

This is a good time to start practicing your health routine as a lawyer. Plus, it intimidates classmates when you show up to your Zoom classes looking like a “hot mess” and then you tell them you got an A-. No one lies about their grades in law school, and you can always trust what people say in this sphere.


10. Do NOT show up to class sick.

I have written in the past that showing up to class sick is the most intimidating thing you can do. It sets the tone that others should fear your ambition and motivation. It tells professors that you are here, you are ready to learn, and that you are not going to let disgusting phlegm get in the way of your B+. However, since people can’t do jokes right now, I would like to say do not show up to class sick. Unless you have COVID.

That’s it. That is literally all you need for 1L. Stay safe, best of luck, and remember that no matter what you do, the ABA will hold it against you as you apply for the bar.

---

dac6jk@virginia.edu 

Cancel Suitman: The Break-up of Call Her Daddy


Phil Tonseth ‘22
Production Editor


I am unwell. While COVID-19, racial unrest, and the upcoming presidential election has dominated the news media in 2020, an arguably bigger story has largely been ignored. As a card-holding member of the “woke” generation, I saw the biggest news story of the year as the endless drama and splintering of the wildly popular podcast Call Her Daddy. Luckily, I’m here to provide a breakdown on the breakup, including commentary on the legal issues that drove the two parties apart.

Labeled as “uncensored, real, female locker room talk,”[1] the podcast known as Call Her Daddy took the world by storm in 2018. The unabashed hosts, Alexandra (Alex) Cooper and Sofia Franklyn met by chance, struck up a conversation, and were encouraged to create a podcast by those around them. A month after starting their podcast, Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports bought the podcast and hired the two rising stars as Barstool employees. Their contract was initially for three years with the option to renegotiate. When Alex and Sofia began renegotiating in early 2020, though, everything fell apart.

Photo courtesy of Barstool Sports.

Photo courtesy of Barstool Sports.

The issue between the podcasters and Barstool Sports was a contract dispute, mainly centering on intellectual property (IP).[2] At the outset, both Alex and Sofia earned salaries bordering $100,000, which rose to almost $500,000 following the podcast’s meteoric rise. The ladies did not own the intellectual property to their brand, because David Portnoy retained ownership per the initial employment contract. Believing they were underpaid compared to the industry standard, the ladies wanted more and were willing to bet their huge following on it.[3]

Alex and Sofia didn’t negotiate alone. Sofia’s long-term boyfriend, Peter Nelson, a.k.a. “Suitman,” worked as an HBO Sports executive and claimed to know the market and have “clout.” Suitman drafted a list of demands for the initial renegotiating offer to Portnoy, which included salaries of over a million dollars, a larger share of merchandise revenue, and sole ownership of the intellectual property rights for Alex and Sofia.[4] For his part, Portnoy dug in almost as hard as COVID-19 has in America. He did not counter terms in the ladies’ initial renegotiation offer.

With negotiations stalled, Suitman shopped the Call Her Daddy brand, including Alex’s and Sofia’s talents, to others in the industry. Knowing this, Portnoy hosted the two and presented his counteroffer to fend off their potential departure and the ensuing legal battle over the IP. Portnoy offered to increase their base salary to $500,000, raise their share of the merchandise revenue, and gradually transition ownership of the intellectual property of the Call Her Daddy brand to the two. Rather than cement a deal, this offer drove Alex and Sofia apart. Sofia and Suitman wanted more. 

Alex wanted to make a deal with Barstool, acknowledging that Portnoy’s offer was everything the two initially wanted. Through consultation with Suitman, Sofia kept moving the goalposts of the negotiations, frustrating both Alex and Portnoy. After Sofia threatened Alex with negotiating in bad faith in an attempt to gain access to the IP of Call Her Daddy, Alex made a unilateral and lasting decision. The duo would split; their goals were far too divergent to reconcile.

Reaching out to Portnoy, Alex accepted the initial offer and left Sofia out of the fold. Likening the situation to losing an old friend to a new boyfriend, Alex expressed sadness both for herself and “Daddy Gang.”[5] At that point, Call Her Daddy hadn’t recorded a podcast for two months due to the unfolding drama. Alex jumped back into the fray as a “Single Father” on May 27 and has been rolling ever since. In her most recent and eleventh installment as a Single Father, Alex interviewed Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana, in an absolute banger of an interview.

Needless to say, it’s clear who won in these negotiations. Daddy Gang has thrown their full support behind Alex and her personality. Barstool Sports maintains ownership of the Call Her Daddy brand until the IP transitions solely to Alex. Sofia and Suitman? Well, they’ve been relegated to the influencer blackhole where they belong.

You may ask, why does the dissolution of a podcast matter in a legal sense? Intellectual property is a rapidly rising area of litigation in our current media-conscious environment. Media companies provide the initial exposure to their talent, but the personalities often outstrip that exposure through developing followers on social media. As such, the personalities want ownership of the intellectual property to further capitalize on their brand, without relying on a company as a middle man.[6] As Alex showed through this saga, negotiating in good faith is the proper way to find a middle ground. For the sake of Daddy Gang, let’s hope Call Her Daddy and Barstool Sports have a long, successful relationship. The way this situation ultimately played out left Daddy Gang almost as satisfied they would be receiving a “Gluck Gluck 9000.”[7] Gang Gang.

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu


[1] https://www.thecut.com/2020/05/call-her-daddy-barstool-sports-drama.html.

[2] If you’re reading this, Dean Mahoney, my likely incorrect legal analysis of contracts is in no way a direct reflection of your amazing teaching.

[3] Call Her Daddy is currently the #1 ranked comedy podcast in the United States.

[4] https://nypost.com/2020/05/23/call-her-daddy-drama-update-alex-cooper-to-host-podcast-solo/.

[5] Avid listeners to the podcast refer to themselves as members of the Daddy Gang.

[6] https://www.thecut.com/2020/05/call-her-daddy-barstool-sports-drama.html.

[7] If you have to Urban Dictionary this, don’t.

Law Students Super Grateful for Tuition Discount


Michael Berdan ‘22
Staff Editor


The UVA Law Board of Lords convened in late August to discuss the possibility of reducing tuition in light of the Law School’s limited services and remote learning format for the fall semester. “Something had to be done,” said board member Karen G. Rockefeller ’68. “Students had summer employment canceled or limited. Some were unable to return home. Some had families sick, and some were sick themselves. The financial burdens have been mounting, and we saw an opportunity to step up and lighten those burdens.” 

The meeting lasted several hours, with a number of board members standing to express solidarity with the students and Law School under their stewardship. “This is—and will continue to be—the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression… Or is it Recession? One of those two bad ones!” shouted Emeritus Dean Arnold W. Khan ’81. “Our students committed to an elite education that would lead them to prosperity in the market. We sold the school to them based in large part on job prospects. If those have materially changed, we must change the amount they are paying.”

One board member, Joanne Kennedy ’92, expressed regret over the educational product that is being delivered this year.

“UVA Law’s tuition is higher than any other public law school on the planet,” Kennedy noted. “Under typical circumstances, this is justified by the quality of experience. Students at UVA Law receive instruction and mentorship from teaching-focused professors who are at the top of their fields. They attend classes in state-of-the-art facilities, in a community of collegial and social students, in one of the most beautiful parts of the country. This semester, however, they will be attending class through a webcam, probably from home. Their access to the facilities will be strictly limited, and social events will be prohibited. We simply are not delivering the product that was promised to them when they matriculated, so we are honor-bound to reduce tuition accordingly.”

Pictured: Board members debate how much to discount fall semester tuition. Photo Courtesy of pixabay.com.

Pictured: Board members debate how much to discount fall semester tuition. Photo Courtesy of pixabay.com.

This received resounding cheers from the rest of the board. Mr. Khan continued, “This isn’t to disparage the work of our administration, who have done a marvelous job trying to deliver everything that is possible, safe, and merited given the circumstances. We certainly do not want them pretending things are normal, so neither should we. Charging $68,500 for UVA Law, Online Edition? Would anyone actually pay that? The entire student body would take a leave of absence, and just watch Geis’s clips on YouTube. Or Themis. Or The Great Courses. Man, that guy sure is prolific.”

Not everyone in attendance was in favor of a discount on tuition. Chief Undersecretary for Student Subjugation Barron A. Giuliani ’63 was seen rolling his eyes throughout the meeting. During a tearful reading of student testimonials about how the pandemic has affected their financial circumstances, Giuliani audibly scoffed, and a tense exchange ensued when other board members asked him to take the proceedings seriously. Giuliani responded curtly, “Nah.” Board members pressed him to elaborate, and Giuliani took the position that the school had adequate “avenues of justification” for maintaining the same tuition or even raising it. 

“I dunno,” postulated Giuliani, barely able to talk through surging giggles. “Tell ‘em it’s actually more expensive to hold school online than in person. Nobody will believe it, it’s total nonsense, but are they actually gonna do anything about it? Ha! Please, tell ‘em that, it’ll be great.”

Several board members were aghast at the suggestion and said they themselves would stand up for students if the school employed such tactics. Giuliani sat back, lit a cigar, knit his fingers across his broad belly, and laughed. “Tell ‘em…” he continued, through puffs of smoke and a Cheshire grin, “tell ‘em the school’s endowment isn’t really, actually, all that big, or something.”

Giuliani’s dissenting voice was overwhelmed by the other board members, who voted 12-1 to extend a lifeline to students by reducing tuition, on an emergency basis, by zero percent. This will save students an estimated $0.00 each, also cognizable as 0 Euros or 0 Albanian Lek. Students went wild with joy and gratitude on Twitter in response to this unprecedented discount. @hoosthatlawyerqt tweeted, “THIS is why I go to this school! THIS is why I love this community!!!” and @UVAesq2b tweeted, “I didn’t know whether to return to school during the pandemic, but UVA really showed they understand where we are, and they really stepped up with this discount.” In a break of social distancing protocols, dozens of students met the board members as they came out of Slaughter Hall and hugged them. Tears flowed freely, and board members gave impromptu speeches to the crowd about the weight of responsibility they felt to rise to the occasion and support students. Barron Giuliani was seen speeding away in a silver Maybach, still laughing.

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mwb4pk@virginia.edu



Goodbye, Law Weekly 3Ls! We'll Miss You!


To our beloved 3Ls, Eleanor Schmalzl, David Ranzini, Taylor Elicegui, Lena Welch, and Anand Jani: We’ll miss you so much!! Video credit: Kolleen Gladden ‘21

In order as they appear:

Michael Schmid- Managing Editor 

Kathryn Querner- Executive Editor 

Ben Stievater- Events Editor 

Kimmy Veklrov - Staff Editor

Kolleen Gladden- Photographer 

Grace Tang- Foreign Correspondent 

Leah Deskin- Professor Liaison 

Phil Tonseth - Production Editor 

Melissa Privette - Staff Editor 

Stan Birch - News Editor

Michael Berdan- Staff Editor 

Amy Pan - Lifestyle Editor 

Doug Graebner - Staff Editor

Donna Faye Imadi- Current Events Editor

Raphael Cho - Cartoonist-in-Chief 

Sam Pickett - Columns Editor

Maria Luevno - Staff Editor 

Marlyse Vieria - New Media Editor

Sarah-Jane Lorenzo- Staff Editor 

Jacob Jones - Features Editor 

Drew Calamaro - Satire Editor

Bill Re - Historian 

Will Palmer - Special Projects Editor 

Will McDermott - Development Editor

Christina Luk - Editor-in-Chief 

Grace's Tangy Recipes for Surviving Quarantine


Grace Tang ‘21
Lifestyle Editor

There is a saying going around the Internet that after quarantine is over, people will emerge as either master chefs or alcoholics. I’m not sure about either of those statements, but I have been doing a ton of baking and cooking to chase away the boredom and restlessness of staying indoors. Over the course of two weeks, I have created more new dishes than I have in the past year.

Through my journey of making daily meals, I’ve discovered some fool-proof, delicious, and easy recipes that are perfect to make during quarantine. Hopefully, these recipes will inspire some new adventures in the kitchen!

Delicious brunch pizza. Photo courtesy Grace Tang ’21.

Delicious brunch pizza. Photo courtesy Grace Tang ’21.

Brunch Pizza

Brunch and good pizza are two of my favorite things, so this recipe is a match made in heaven. I’m a sucker for an over-easy or poached egg, so I had to incorporate them into my pizza. This recipe was inspired by the fresh basil plant I got at Harris Teeter. The brunch pizza is super flexible. I made mine in an Italian margherita style, but feel free to get creative and add on bacon, ham, spinach, onion, or other toppings! 

Ingredients: Store bought thin-pizza dough or large soft tortilla, tomato sauce, shredded mozzarella cheese, eggs, salt, pepper, pepper flakes (optional), fresh basil (optional).

      (1) First, preheat the oven to 400F, then prepare the tomato sauce by adding in salt (if necessary), pepper, pepper flakes for a kick (optional) and stir thoroughly.

     (2) Next, spread the tomato sauce on the pizza dough of your choice and top with any optional toppings.

     (3) Cover pizza with liberal amounts of mozzarella cheese. Note, the cheese must be mozzarella or else the flavor will be too strong.

     (4) Finally, make a small hole in the pile of toppings with a spoon, then crack a raw egg on top and season with lots of black pepper.

     (5) Bake the pizza for 8-12 minutes in the oven, depending on how large the pizza is and what kind of crust was used.

     (6) If fresh basil is being utilized, add the washed basil leaves on top of the pizza 1 minute before removing them from the oven.

     (7) Serve pizza hot with thinly sliced fresh avocado if available.

Toasty bread boiis. Photo courtesy Grace Tang ’21.

Toasty bread boiis. Photo courtesy Grace Tang ’21.

Simple Bread (Toast or Dinner Rolls)

Before the COVID-19 quarantine, I had never made bread before. It always seemed like a difficult task best reserved for the bakery. However, I had plenty of time (and flour) on my hands so I decided to give it a try. To my surprise, the whole process was super easy! Since then, I have become an advocate for home-made bread. All-purpose flour or self-rising flour both work for the recipe. The KEY to fancy looking, shiny smooth bread is all in the egg wash. Before baking, make sure to glaze the tops of the buns with egg yolk and your finished product will be hella Instagrammable. Additionally, grilled cheese with homemade toast is incredible (I recommend gruyère and swiss).

Ingredients: Flour (4 cups), warm water or milk (2.5 cups), yeast, pinch of salt, and sugar (1/2 cup optional), egg yolk (for washing). I recommend water for salty bread and milk for sweet bread-making:

    (1) Take 1/2 cup of warm water or milk and warm in the microwave for 30 seconds until the liquid becomes lukewarm to the touch.

    (2) Add in 2 teaspoons of yeast and stir into the warm water or milk.

    (3) Heat the rest of the water or milk until it is lukewarm to the touch.

    (4) Combine the flour, salt, optional sugar for sweet bread, and all the liquids.

    (5) Knead the mixture for 5-7 minutes, adding in small amounts of flour if necessary, until the dough is no longer sticky and forms a smooth ball.

   (6) If there is difficulty in kneading, leave the dough to sit for 15 minutes and knead again.

    (7) Let the dough sit for at least 2 hours. Once the dough has reached double its size, take the dough out and knead again to remove the air bubbles.

    (8) Split the dough into smaller rounds for dinner rolls or shape into a football shape for making toast.

    (9) Let the dough rise a second time, until it roughly doubles in shape.

    (10) Finally, wash the tops of the dough with pure egg yolk and bake at 375F until the bread becomes golden brown.

Shrimp spring rolls. Wow. Photo courtesy tastesbetterfromscratch.com.

Shrimp spring rolls. Wow. Photo courtesy tastesbetterfromscratch.com.

Four Ingredient Vietnamese Fresh Rolls with Two Ingredient Peanut Sauce

Fresh rolls are so delicious and healthy. They are a kind of spring roll made from rice paper found in any grocery store in the Asian aisle. Feel free to get creative and use them for any kind of ingredient, like rotisserie chicken, stir fry, various veggies, etc. The classic recipe includes garden mix (carrots, lettuce, etc.), shrimp, and vermicelli noodles. The key to all of this deliciousness lies in the sauce. I personally prefer a classic peanut sauce, but sriracha mayo and fish sauce also work well with this recipe.

Ingredients: Rice paper wrappers (medium or large), raw peeled shrimp (roughly two per roll), vermicelli noodles, spring salad mix. For two ingredient peanut sauce: Hoisin Sauce, Peanut Butter (smooth or crunchy), and water.

    (1) Boil the raw shrimp in hot water until it is just cooked, (do not overcook the shrimp), then transfer shrimp into cold water to stop the cooking.

    (2) Remove the tail on the shrimp, then cut each shrimp down the middle through the length of the shrimp. Thinner pieces of shrimp make the roll easier to roll. But feel free to use whole shrimp. 

    (3) In the hot water used to cook the shrimp, add in 200-300g of vermicelli noodles (thin rice noodles) and boil for 3-5 minutes until cooked. Stir in a small amount of vegetable oil into the cooked noodles if you are not assembling right away to avoid noodles sticking.

     (4) To assemble: On a large plate, soak each rice paper for 20 seconds in warm water until it is softened. The rice paper will be sticky, so keep the rice paper flat.

     (5) Then add in 4 shrimp to each roll, vermicelli noodles, and a handful of raw garden mix. Fold the ends of the rice paper in on either side and roll the entire spring roll up like a burrito. The rice paper is sticky and will seal off easily.

     (6) Peanut Sauce: On low heat, stir in equal amounts of peanut butter and hoisin sauce. Add in a few tablespoons of water to thin out the sauce and serve with the fresh rolls.

---

gt5ay@virginia.edu

Sage Advice for Outgoing 1Ls


Drew Calamaro ‘21
Satire Editor

         Our semester is ending with silence, as we consume Netflix and wait to die of loneliness. Therefore, like Thoreau writing Walden alone in the woods, or Montaigne, alone in his tower writing his Essais, or an administrator writing an email telling a student they have twenty-four hours to appeal a decision, I have taken it upon myself to write to you my unfiltered[1] and unchecked[2] ideas of how to live in a post-COVID-19 world. This advice column is my closing gift of wisdom to you, 1Ls, as you go out into the world[3] toward the end of this semester and beyond.[4]

If you aren’t on a journal, you are a failure, and you always will be.

         Did you know that journals are run by the most impressive, prestigious, and learned students of this school and that you’ll never ever measure up to them if you aren’t on a journal? Sure, most successful people in the world weren’t on a journal, and sure, it doesn’t actually provide you with foundational skills necessary to life, happiness, and a successful career, and sure, law schools are full of insecure people that judge anyone who does anything different and most of them will amount to a statistical blip on the ninety-five year generational scales, but you are still a total failure for not being on a journal. Just remember with shame.

Pass/fail is going to ruin your chances of getting that clerkship.

         Not the economic damage from the virus, not the personal toll the virus is going to take on everyone in the country including yourself. No, what will ruin you is pass/fail, which means you won’t be able to get above a 3.6 this semester, which means that you won’t be able to get that clerkship with the one federal judge who can feed you to the Supreme Court which I can only assume passes you on to Nirvana. You need to work for that elderly person swaddled in robes from the Lord of the Rings set, or else all of your planning is for naught. Abandon hope now.

Lawyers do NOT hold the power to help real people experiencing real harms that they think lawyers can help them with.[5]

         Yes, lawyers have the power to make the law, to affect companies, institutions, and nations.[6] Yes, law is made and not found, and will eventually be made by any law student, past or present. Yes, it is the job of the school to ensure that you employ this power with integrity and responsibility.[7] However, even though you know you have the power to help people and to do the right thing, you should never, EVER use that power. If you must use it because, say, someone under your chain-of-command messed up what is objectively a no-brainer decision and you have to reverse it, wait until that decision is made public and make sure you allow the ensuing uproar to occur for a full day at least before reversing that decision. And if anyone questions you on Zoom as to why you didn’t use that power sooner or even asks you what color the sky is, just hide behind a privacy act.

You are better than the way certain administrations have acted.

         I don’t have any snarky things to say other than you do it better. Like the whole thing. Go, do it. Figure out how to do it and make it ALL run better in a couple months.

Asking about mentorship is a fun and original way to “break the ice” or, should I say, “break the zoom panes!” with lawyers at your firm events.

         The more firm dinners that you attend, the more you realize how important and original of a question asking about mentorship is. Other questions that you should ask are, “How should I bring in business to the firm as a junior associate?,”[8] and, “With your firm struggling in this recession, how are you managing to keep clients?” This is no time to second guess that inner voice telling you to stop being boring, uninformed, or gauche.  Forge ahead with those incredible questions, and you will find success wherever the winds take you.[9]

---

dac6jk@virginia.edu


[1] Pre-edits.

[2] Id.

[3] Grocery stores.

[4] But I couldn’t help but wonder, was this my gift of wisdom to the reader, or was it the reader gifting me with the opportunity to selflessly provide them with this knowledge?

[5] Citation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNHRfftnfCk at 2:50.

[6] Id.

[7] Id.

[8] You are able and expected to bring in business to the firm as soon as you are hired, since you will almost certainly know about the law.

[9] So long as inward eye-rolls among practicing lawyers count as successes.

Practicing Social Distancing and Adverse Possession


Stan Birch ‘22
News Editor

In these times of social distancing, staying away from other people while not going insane in your apartment has become an artform. More and more I feel like Jack in The Shining. I’m living in a really nice place, but I feel like I’ve always been there. So then I had the same “great idea” to get away from my apartment that anyone who owns a tent has had: camping. I eagerly hopped online to see the restrictions on the East Coast’s few National Parks, only to find that too many people thought of this option across the country. A select group of people have acted so poorly that they has ruined Parks access for all of us.

Then I had another “great idea:” Let’s try and camp around the Law School. The Law Weekly touched base with the Dean of Students to see if I could make use of the part of my tuition that goes towards facilities access and upkeep. Unfortunately, setting up a tent would be “erecting a structure on [G]round[s]” that would be “prohibited without a special permit.” I didn’t think quick enough to reply that I would just hang a hammock, as many students do around Grounds, in Spies Garden. Ah, the missed opportunities. Well, with the National Parks closed and Grounds being off-limits, I had to find my own space. I learned about adverse possession in Property, so I thought I would give Land Piracy a shot.[1], [2]

Armed with my old backpacking rig, I sought to find a spot to relax and unwind in the wild. I grew up camping, and my backpack has always been packed to go… or so I thought. Turns out that my mother, still a Scoutmaster to this day, had “borrowed” a few things from my bag when I left it at home for a month before Law School. The “borrowed” items included my sleeping bag, larger sleeping mat, and camp pillow. Some people would have called it a day and gone back to bed, but I agreed to write an article for your entertainment, so I laid on the cold floor of my tent, wrapped in a picnic blanket from my car, and pushed through the night.

Pictured: Reviewing Property for my final and investigating the requirements of staking my new land claim. Photo Courtesy of Stan Birch ‘22.

Pictured: Reviewing Property for my final and investigating the requirements of staking my new land claim. Photo Courtesy of Stan Birch ‘22.

My thoughts included the following: “Why am I here? Will this even be that funny of an article? It won’t. I should go home. That sounded like a deer. I hope that was a deer. Why did it get cold the day after I agreed to do this? Ok, that was definitely a deer. At least I’m not listening to lectures at 1.5x speed.” The night was mostly quiet, with a few sounds of civilization here and there. The biggest stir was the sound of a few deer trotting by, wondering what the hell this little gray and yellow dome was in the middle of their path. Besides some tossing and turning, it was a wonderful and peaceful night.

I woke up with a smile to start my day with the birds chirping as nature’s alarm was getting me going early. I rolled over and checked my phone: 4 a.m. The birds decided I needed to get out of their space and were having none of me sticking around for a few more hours. Have you ever tried sleeping through thirty different alarms going off at different times, all to different tunes? It’s not what I would call a restful sleep. I tossed and turned until I found an angle that blocked out most of the noise. An hour later, I woke up to my alarm and suspiciously little sound from the birds.[3]

As I packed up my gear for the night, loaded up my car, and moved my tent somewhere a little more public to enjoy a cup of tea and some light reading, I was glad I had spent the night away from home. It might not have gone perfectly, but I know I’m going to ask my mom to mail my gear back to me for my birthday. Take time to plan your trip a little more than I did, and I guarantee you’ll have a nice time getting out of your home while keeping distanced from others. If isolation continues past exams and you spot a tent out in the wilds around Charlottesville, give a yell. It might just be me.

---

sfb9yu@virginia.edu


[1] For obvious reasons, this is all a fictionalization . . .

[2] . . . or is it?

[3] Jerks.

Exiled - A UVA Law Student's Dispatch from Texas


Arjun Ogale ‘21
Guest Writer


After UVA Law banished its students from North Grounds,[1] students faced a choice between remaining in Charlottesville and returning to their hometowns. The students who chose the first option have received considerable media attention from the Law Weekly,[2] but those who left—“the exiled”—have been largely forgotten. This dispatch attempts to remedy that.

While some students returned directly to their hometowns from spring break trips to exotic corona-free locations in Europe, others packed up their belongings in Charlottesville and began their journey home. My personal trip home involved a seventeen-hour drive all the way to east Texas. 

Here’s a brief recap of how the car ride went:

Hour 1: Got my Bodo’s with honey pecan cream cheese, a good podcast, and plenty of snacks. This isn’t so bad!

Hour 4: Deep sadness and uncertainty. How many people will get sick? When will we be able to come back to school? And what will happen to our beloved Scott Commons staff?[3]

Hour 12: Okay, wow, this drive is bad. But hey, at least I’m not going to Oklahoma.[4]

Hour 17: Back in the greatest country in the world—Texas![5]

Pictured: This local grazing pasture is usually teeming with cattle, but it turns out they are socially distancing too. Photo Courtesy of Arjun Ogale ‘21.

Pictured: This local grazing pasture is usually teeming with cattle, but it turns out they are socially distancing too. Photo Courtesy of Arjun Ogale ‘21.

Despite all the changes over the past month, many things have stayed the same. For example, I still read the Law Weekly cover to cover every Wednesday.[6] And Dean Dugas continues to send emails with very important links embedded within screenshots within PDF attachments. Plus, ça change, plus c'est la même chose.[7]

But this isn’t to say that being away hasn’t also changed many things. We can no longer listen to Professor Bamzai’s protracted exchanges with Mr. Joseph in Administrative Law—how are we going to learn about the ins-and-outs of the German government now?! Nor can we witness Phil Tonseth ’22 dominate his opponents on the softball fields game after game.

Being isolated and away from Charlottesville also removes the option of “Social Distancing with Friends.” For example, many have been taking so-called “social distancing hikes” in small groups to popular local hiking trails, only to find that literally everyone is doing the same thing. In fact, a glance at social media these days might give you the impression that you can’t catch coronavirus hiking Humpback Rock, playing beer pong on Copeley Field, or lounging on The Lawn with your friends. Somebody needs to tell Dr. Fauci that UVA Law students have found the cure!

All jokes aside, I feel bad for the 3Ls whose graduations and bar exams have been disrupted. The 3Ls just can’t seem to catch a break lately. Take for example the recent “Congratulations UVA Law Class of 2020” Facebook group. The group was meant to be a surprise for the graduating class, and a way for 2Ls and 1Ls to express their gratitude for everything the 3Ls have done for them. Unfortunately, the 3Ls were added to the Facebook group a good five days ahead of schedule—well before most people were able to wish them. Alas, when it rains, it pours.

Being away from Charlottesville has some silver linings. Many of us are spending a lot of unexpected and precious time with family. And as law students, we are fortunate that we can remain productive and engaged in our work despite our physical distance from our workplace, which isn’t the case in many parts of the economy right now.

Yet, although the saying goes “everything is bigger in Texas,” my desk in Texas is much smaller than my desk in my apartment in Charlottesville, and I can’t wait to be back at the Law School with everyone. Time for me to take my horse to the old town road (kidding), lasso some cattle (also kidding), and pick up some local Mexican takeout (not kidding).

---

apo8xb@virginia.edu


[1] See President Ryan’s and Dean Goluboff’s emails to students on March 11, 2020 (“[Be gone, students!]”).

[2] See, e.g., Love in the Time of Corona featuring Sam Pickett and Maria Luévano, Law Weekly, March 25, 2020.

[3] Huge shout out to the student body, SBA, and Professors Nachbar, Coughlin, Hellman, and Schwartzman for the recent fundraising effort for our Scoco family. https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-the-scott-commons-community.

[4] See, e.g., Tiger King.

[5] Similar to how Texas is the objectively best country in the world, Lone Star Lawyers is objectively the best student organization at UVA Law. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[6] Lately, the lamestream Law Weekly and ANG seem to have taken a liking to misquoting leaked Virginia Law Review emails. Sad! The Law Weekly must be suffering from low ratings to be roasting such “perfect” emails.

[7] “The more things change, the more things stay the same.”