Student Groups Debut New Mission Statements

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Deans Goluboff and Davies have recently announced that, after some discussion with the executive boards of some UVA Law groups,that many will change their mission statement effective immediately. A selection are presented here.

Lone Star Lawyers is now dedicated to only catering to (and eating at/reviewing) establishments with single star reviews on Yelp, Google, et cetera. They also are only allowed to leave one star reviews.

Heartland Hoos  is taking a new look at problems facing the heart and land and will be focusing on the intersection between cardiovascular health and environmental and land-use rights. (Rumors have it Professor Schragger will be supervising). They wanted to clarify that their work will be related solely to land; nautical issues and riparian rights will not be tolerated or considered, and air is not their problem. 

Asian Pacific American Law Students Association is partnering with Carter Mountain Orchards, as well as others in the region, to host an annual “APALSAuce” contest in the spring and “APALSAider” in the fall.

First Generation Professionals is renaming itself to “first generation at UVA Law” professionals, because there aren’t enough first generation professionals at UVA and they want more members for funding.

NGSL has currently entered a lockout with its players, and the season will be postponed until an agreement is reached. 

National Lawyers Guild, after watching Dune, has decided to shroud themselves in secrecy, like another famous Guild, and are now hoarding all forms of spices for some undetermined aim—we hope it’s delicious! 

Law Republicans and Law Democrats did not provide any information as to their new plans, but assured us that whatever it was, the other group did it first or was at fault. And ACS and the Federalist Society refused to attend, since they thought the other would show up. On a related note, Common Law Grounds has given up on its initial mission and is now a coffee-lovers group.

First Year Council could not be reached, as all representatives insisted they “felt like 2Ls now” and had no comment on the future of the organization.

NGSL Goes Public: Astonishes Legal World

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Phil Tonseth ‘22
Former EIC

            In an absolutely astonishing move destined to shake up the legal market for years to come, the North Grounds Softball League (NGSL) officially filed paperwork with Student Affairs to become a publicly traded organization within the Law School. In a move that was certainly made in order to raise capital to replace their dwindling budget,[1] NGSL is attempting to claim their turf and formally establish dominance amongst other organizations on a scale that has never been seen before. While the details of what exactly will be disclosed in the initial public offering still need to be hashed out, our investment analysts at the Law Weekly have been able to substantiate a few of the rumors floating around North Grounds. 

            First and foremost, NGSL is willing to open their books to investors–mostly. There will not be a complete breakdown of the itemized budget,[2] but there will be a list of the organization’s members, how much the organization receives in direct donations from various (illicit) firms across the world, and how much of that money is wasted on Fireball and PBR. Second, NGSL is planning on offering 40% of their private shares to the public, even if those are non-voting shares. Our investors are worried that this distinction will make the shares as valuable as a Russian Ruble, but market volatility could prove them wrong. Unfortunately, NGSL has put its foot down in one way. By going public, that does not mean their membership is open to the public. They are still planning on keeping their selection process a secret, but after the Libel show, I think we know how that happens anyway.[3]

            In drafting this piece, the Law Weekly was discreetly contacted by the Secret Seven, who offered a warning to the NGSL Executive Board, “[s]tep one toe out of line, or onto Main Grounds, and the Seven will work with the hacking group ‘Anonymous’ to ensure your character and fitness tests fail due to your continued use of Trump sponsored softballs.” I’m not sure if NGSL holds January 6th as a national holiday, but based on their ball usage and sponsorship, I’ll leave that question for the audience to ponder. Furthering this threat, both the Illuminati and Skull and Bones, through the mafia, advised against going public. That leads to moles, they said, which leads to someone getting offed, and ultimately, going to jail for tax fraud. Knowing that NGSL likely doesn’t have the cleanest books, this seems like a warning to be heeded.

            While there are multiple concerns to be accounted for with this IPO, the move is sure to vault NGSL up in the US News rankings for top secret societies. Let’s hope it doesn’t tank, just like the administration’s reputation following their consistent waffling on COVID protocols.

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

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[1] Weird how nobody wants to donate to an exclusive, “secret” society, amirite?

[2] A lot of their dealers made NGSL sign NDA’s before agreeing to contract with them, shame.

[3] Libel did leave out the goat sacrifice that occurs yearly at the selection event for new members, mainly because the custodial staff kindly requested to not have to clean blood off the curtains in Caplin Auditorium. 

UVA’s Law Weekly and Law Review Join Forces: VLR Cites Needs for Actual Readers

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Phil Tonseth ‘22
Editor-in-Chief

In an unsurprising move, Student Affairs has announced that the Virginia Law Weekly and Virginia Law Review (VLR) have joined forces, becoming the Virginia Weekly Law Review. This new format, whereby the Law Weekly will incorporate VLR into its operating structure, comes at a critical juncture for both clubs. The Law Weekly, winner of the ABA Student Newspaper of the Year award in three of the last four years, graciously offered a lifeline to the struggling VLR, which cited the inability to publish any articles of interest and a lack of general gravitas in their work as reasons for the merger. 

            From a macro perspective, this merger seems like a win-win. The Law Weekly is not only able to draw from more talented writers to opine on whether cereal is a soup (it is) and if 1Ls deserve fundamental rights on the Court of Petty Appeals (they don’t), but also the Law Weekly will be able to put the members of VLR in their place. Earning a position on VLR doesn’t make these students any better than the rest of the student body, especially when the reward is unpaid labor solely for a line on their resume. To emphasize this point, the Law Weekly plans to frequently highlight the cringey LinkedIn and Instagram posts of VLR members as examples of who-not-to-be at the Law School.

            On the flip side, VLR also stands to greatly benefit from this merger. With a readership base declining faster than the value of stock in Zoom post-COVID, VLR needed an outlet so that  their scholarship would actually be read. Enter Law Weekly. Although VLR members understand they must learn to be pithy and publish their pieces in only 800 words, they also understand that this will force them to distill key concepts and finally get to the point of the annoying hypotheticals that they frequently bring up in class. Further, VLR is slowly realizing who “Big Brother” really is in the publishing world at UVA Law, and they want in.

            When asked for comment, Peter Kaplan ’22, the Managing Editor of VLR, relayed, “I am just excited to finally be able to tell my mom ‘good’ when she asks how the school newspaper is going.” In concert, Law Weekly’s Editor in Chief, Phil Tonseth ’22, added that he “is both elated and dejected by this merger. On one hand, this journalistic monopoly recognizes the growing importance of the Law Weekly and its ability to control the narrative both internally and external to UVA Law. Sadly, the Virginia Weekly Law Review will have a bumpy road at the beginning, as you can’t invite all of the nerdy VLR kids into the cool-kids-club and expect a smooth transition.”

            The impact of the merger on journal try-outs is unknown. The Law Weekly arguably has higher journalistic standards than VLR, as the members of Law Weekly publish quite frequently, as opposed to VLR’s sole requirement that their members only publish one note during their time in service. In order to justify this solo publishing adventure, lowly 1Ls must endure an agonizing weekend of BlueBooking and replying to an antiquated prompt just to hope to make it through the byzantine selection process. Countering this, the Law Weekly try-outs simply entail showing up to three meetings, expressing a desire for free pizza, enjoying poking fun at and critically analyzing salient issues around the school, and exhibiting a general cool vibe[1]. As negotiations are still pending on how journal try-outs will progress (read “dissolve”), the result will ruffle feathers regardless. Gone are the days where elitism can be bought through sucking up in office hours to achieve all A+’s to reach the head (as VLR thinks) of UVA Law’s journalistic endeavors. 

            What this author can confidently state is that the quality of the work between the two parties in the newly formed Virginia Weekly Law Review will be stellar. Pieces will no longer be edited/cite checked solely by one member (looking at you VLR), but three (the Law Weekly standard). Further, the articles selected for publishing won’t be chosen by a select and close-minded student committee (again VLR, do better). Lastly, the articles will be something everyone will want to read. Scholars will no longer be able to publish nonsense, relying on their tenure, just for the sake of publishing. The journalistic standards of Virginia Weekly Law Review will be interstellar: be prepared ye wary writers.[2]

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

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[1] Yours truly notwithstanding, but I’m the boss now.

[2] I will not bring out the statistics of how few readers VLR has, but the Law Weekly had over 21K readers since January 1,2021. There’s a reason VLR is folding under the Law Weekly’s umbrella...

Summer Break to Be Implemented Through Multiple Four-Day-Weekends, One Wednesday Off

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Jonathan Peterson ‘23
Satire Editor

Following the screaming success of the School’s implementation of spring break, we are now seeing the dawn of an even more ambitious project here at the University of Virginia School of Law. In regard to this project, high-ranking individuals from Student Affairs have been heard making claims as bold as “this summer break will revolutionize vacation across the legal field,” and “UVA Law has once again proven itself to be the most innovative and forward-thinking legal institution in the world.” So, what is this new project which finds itself at the forefront of administrative procedure the world over?

The idea? Summer break—but hear me out—implemented almost solely through four-day-weekends. I know I’m not the only one clapping right now. To be precise, each weekend of the summer will be a four-day weekend, some weeks with a Monday/Tuesday break, others with a Thursday/Friday break. However, as the school announced, it is important to keep in mind while planning any trips (which necessarily must be short in order to accommodate a return within four days) that throughout the summer there will be only one Wednesday allotted to the students.

The school has yet to decide which Wednesday is the most appropriate for a break day; however, they have released their stated criteria for the decision, which are as follows: (1) which faculty birthdays fall on Wednesdays; (2) the level of seniority of the faculty members whose birthdays fall on Wednesdays; (3) which of the faculty members whose birthday falls on a Wednesday is likely to throw the best birthday party; and (4) which of the Wednesday-birthday faculty would be the cheapest to shop for, and conversely, which would be the most expensive. All of these criteria factor heavily into consideration; however, the school has declined to comment on whether any one of the criteria outweighs the others. Suffice it to say, students should be on the lookout for a significant birthday-bash on whatever Wednesday the faculty decides to give to themselves the students.

The school has cited a few lines of reasoning in support of this change. Perhaps the most compelling is the claim that some at the Law School “sometimes feel lonely” during the summer and that “a good way” to stop that would be to “restrict travel by beginning the fall semester in mid-May and incorporating summer break into it slowly through December.” The Dean responsible for these statements requested the comments remain anonymous, and the Virginia Law Weekly declines to expand on who, in particular, feels the horrible anguish of loneliness at the Law School during the summer. The Office of the Dean of Students did, however, request that the Law Weekly include a short statement on the immense popularity and incredible number of friends of The Office generally, and as such, this is that statement.

Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the strongest support for this change has come not from the administration, but from an organization here at UVA Law—the notorious Federalist Society. Claiming that this change embodies the ideals of federalism, specifically vertical separation of powers, this school’s FedSoc chapter has extolled this idea as being “better than anything [they] ever could have come up with.” Their specific reasoning for these strong sentiments? FedSoc sees this move from the School as embodying the federalist principle of allowing State (schools) to operate as laboratories for innovation and subsequently, the betterment of “our historically great nation.” As such, the sight of UVA Law taking on the mantle of innovation in such a flagrant and bold manner, for better or worse, has sufficiently titillated our FedSoc peers to the point of ardent support. And, again for better or for worse, if FedSoc supports it at this school, it’s here to stay.

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jtp4bw@virginia.edu

Professor Cannon Switches to Corporations: Cites Need to Find More Fulfilling Work

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Dana Lake ‘23
Production Editor

While eager students have months left to wait until Fall 2021 course selection, an insider with Student Records has let at least one shake-up slip: Professor Jonathon Cannon will be making the switch from Environmental Law to Corporations, citing the need to feel validated by his work.

Professor Cannon, former general counsel for the Environmental Protection Agency, has spent his career advocating for responsible land management and climate change initiatives. His 2015 book “Environment in the Balance” (which has five stars on Amazon) analyzes how Supreme Court decisions in environmental cases have changed along with the Court’s priorities—from receptive and active in the 1960s to the more skeptical Court we see today. His life-long commitment to environmental issues earned him the position of UVA Law’s Blaine T. Phillips Distinguished Professor of Environmental Law, but also made him the top choice for inaugural director of the Program in Law, Communities, and the Environment (PLACE). And now, finally, after twenty-three years teaching environmental courses at the Law School, Professor Cannon is ready to focus on work he can find personally fulfilling.

The business organization and finance concentration offered by UVA Law is a neglected, underfunded segment of the Law School. An anonymous professor teaching Corporate Finance was recently heard lamenting just how few law students know how to do math. “It’s a forgotten art,” he informed our reporter. “Students these days just don’t care about making money anymore.” The statistics back this up: of the T-14s, UVA Law sends the fewest students into Big Law. “If I wanted the Law School’s support and performative social media posts, I would be teaching Criminal Adjudication, not Mergers and Acquisitions,” another professor commented. “I don’t teach business law for the glory; I do it for the love of the American corporate structure.”

Our source in Student Records has heard Professor Cannon shares the same drive as the few brave professors who have stepped forward to teach business law classes. While there are fortunes left to be made in non-profit environmental work, Professor Cannon is finally ready to close the door on public service. “He’s been wanting to find work that has real meaning to it,” our source explained. After sharing many post-class kombuchas with Professor Cannon, this source felt confident enough to reveal his real thoughts on environmental law: “The environment is so overdone. Climate change is a hoax, anyway. He’s tired of fighting for sustainability when it’s been proven the earth is just too big for humans to have a real impact on its natural resources. America just doesn’t need more environmental lawyers, especially not when business law is so underrepresented.”

We are proud to announce that next Fall, Professor Cannon will be following his true passion: teaching Corporations. As one of the Law School’s least popular classes, Corporations has only three offerings in the Fall with sixty student slots each. Although business law is unlikely to bring him the money and prestige of environmental law, we here at Law Weekly fully support Professor Cannon in his pursuit of true fulfillment and validation.

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dl9uh@virginia.edu

COVID House: Who Wants 7 New Roommates?

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Sai Kulkarni ‘23
Culture Editor

Stanley Birch ‘22
Managing Editor

It was a nice day out, the kind of day where you almost forget we are in the middle of a global pandemic. The sun was shining, the air was warm, undergraduates were still acting like there was no ’Rona, and the birds were chirping. Breaking the calm of this Thursday afternoon was an email alert from Jim Ryan. After scrolling through the three-paragraph summary of what had happened over the last year,[1] some good news: case numbers were down, so people could meet outdoors in a group of ten. Two roommates[2] texted a few friends and filled out the other eight slots of the roster for a backyard “barbecue.” The texts read, “it’ll just be a chill hang” and “no stress,” but everyone on the receiving end knew this was a call to get blotto. The night began exactly as the administration would hope: ten friends, sitting socially-distant, catching up and sharing comradery. Nothing could ruin this policy-adhering COVID fun.

Until the second drink.

Having interviewed the seven individuals[3] who make up the remainder of this story, the best explanation of what happened next is that this is the first time they had not been drinking with their roommate, with their parents, or all alone. The endorphins and the alcohol hit a lot harder than they remembered, with a few being K-JD’s fresh off fraternity tolerance levels. Recollections of the remainder of the evening include: “chill,” “a little relaxed about the restrictions,” “it wasn’t a big deal, we had all just gotten negative saliva results anyway,” and “I think it was nice.”

However the night escalated, and when the morning light hit, there were seven students still scattered around the house. The first of the rent-paying residents sat up on his couch, only to quickly lay back down and cover his head, now remembering just how bad Fireball hurts the next morning. Slowly this time, he sat up, opened his laptop, threw in some Airpods, and joined his Friday morning lecture. After the first 10 minutes of swimming in his own thoughts he heard his name. He was on call. “I can’t see you. Are you with us this morning?” Panicked, he threw on a hat, turned on video, and apologized profusely. While speed-scrolling through the seven-year-old outline he managed to trade for, the questions came and went and it seemed like a miracle had been pulled off. A night of fun was had, he still answered cold-calls, and all this while “complying” with university rules. Then the professor innocently asked a question that his outline didn’t hold the answer to. “Wow, how many roommates do you have?” Confused, he unmuted to ask what the professor meant. “Well,” the reply started off, “I’ve just seen about five different people walk behind you on this call. One of whom was not wearing a shirt and I cannot be confident about pants.”

“I’m not sure what you mean,” was all he could muster as a reply.

“Well, let’s hope you and all your roommates stay safe and healthy. I’ll have to mention something about the lack of clothes to the Dean.” Before he could say another word, the cold-call had switched to someone else, so his video went off. Turning around for the first time since the night before, he saw three people slumped in chairs and another one on the air mattress behind him. None of them lived there. None of them had on masks. As it turned out, of the ten that started the “chill” evening together the night before, only three of them had Uber still installed on their phones. That left five people who had no idea how to get home, and in the moment, could not have cared less.

Just as the first roommate was coming to the realization that they needed to get a bunch of people out of their house, the doorbell started to ring. In response to the jarring noise, another husk of a man came shambling out of the bathroom as the second roommate trotted down the stairs to open the door. It was the neighbor,[4] the same one who had texted nine times the night before about the group making too much noise. Without saying anything, they held up their phone, took a picture of the maskless sick-bay that had taken shape in the living room, smirked, and walked away. The second roommate closed the door and felt a cold-flush wash over them that they couldn’t peg as being caused by the sixth White Claw or by the realization of what had just happened. After racing to the bathroom to unpack this newfound feeling, the two actual rent-payers gathered together to form a plan.

Realizing that an “anonymous report”[5]  was definitely about to be filed, they had to come up with something to explain what had happened. These two wanted to be lawyers, after all — they could read the rules and outsmart them. The indoors gathering of seven and lack of face coverings were what would get them. There was only one way they could see to avoid the oncoming earful from the Deans and a tedious UJC hearing: the exception for roommates.

After a few texts and pleadings, former roommates of the “freeloading five” brought their books, computers, clothes, and other basics to the doorstep of the new bunkhouse. What was a mildly spacious 2-bedroom had just become a very overcrowded, four-room, one-bath, two-floor holding cell for seven. The email from Dean Goluboff came sooner than expected and the Zoom call was scheduled. Arranged in stadium seating from the floor to standing behind the couch, all seven hopped on the call. Immediately there was silence, followed by the question, “Why are there seven of you and not a single mask in sight?”

“The separation was really starting to get to us and we thought, for the rest of the year, we should be here to support each other and just move in.” The call was short, questioning the story and seeing if anyone would break. With a warning as the closing remarks, Dean Goluboff said, “I hope you all are comfortable, because you’ll be like this through the end of finals.” As she went to end the call, one of them, none will admit who, asked if they were allowed to have “overnight guests.” Met by the groans of the other seven, the Dean declined to answer and ended the call.

While this author wishes the story had a nice ending akin to classic students-vs.-administration comedies like Old School and Animal House, there is no cheeky tagline for the seven men trapped in a small Charlottesville house. They’re still there. The end of the semester is the nearest end in sight. But until then, let’s hope they can make that COVID House, a COVID Home.

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omk6cg@virginia.edu
sfb9yu@virginia.edu

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[1] Yeah, because we’d all forgotten until that email…

[2] Who asked to be kept anonymous, for obvious reasons to come.

[3] Again, asking to remain anonymous.

[4] A 1L who not only acted like the biggest 3L gunner but actively took up the title and treated it like a badge of pride

[5] Actual information required includes your name, date of birth, Student ID Number, Social Security Number, astrological sign, spirit animal, and maternal grandmother’s first grade teacher’s name.

Lawyers’ Property Rights Are Fundamental Human Rights, NLG Protests

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Anna Bninski ‘23
Executive Editor

The National Lawyers Guild, long known as the lefty answer to the American Bar Association, has belatedly discovered the joys of property rights—specifically, the rights of lawyers to safeguard their stuff from interference (and maybe to get more and better property, too). 

The abrupt about-face from the Guild’s eighty-four-year history of focusing on public interest work promoting the rights of marginalized populations was announced on the NLG’s National President’s blog:[1]

I had one of those moments today. You know, those moments where the blinders fall off, and you just have to question everything that you were certain about before. When you have to interrogate your assumptions about the way things are and the way that they are supposed to be.

This morning, while my fair-trade oatmeal was cooking in my solar-powered, cruelty-free microwave, I was looking for my paperback copy of The Communist Manifesto. “Babe,” I said to my partner, “have you seen Karl?[2] I know I left him on the counter.”

They barely looked up from their coffee. “Yeah, I put it in the Little Free Library, since you have a hardcover Manifesto by the bed and that mini one in the bathroom.”

“Oh, okay,” I said. “That’s fine.” But it wasn’t fine. My frustration was boiling over, just like my oatmeal, so I took it out of the microwave. (The oatmeal, I mean. My frustration was harder to deal with.)

Since my oatmeal was still too hot to eat without pouring something cold on it, and the only thing I had in the fridge was oat milk, and that combo seems wrong somehow, I took a quick walk down the block to the Little Free Library. Actually, I found myself running. My book—would my book still be there?

As I approached the Little Free Library, I saw that a parent and small child were checking out the contents.

“This man looks like Uncle Dan,” the kid said. “I like his beard.”

I recognized the book in the kid’s hands. I knew well that the front cover did feature a glorious beard.

“THAT’S MY BOOK!” I shouted. “YOU CAN’T HAVE KARL!”

Pictured: Don’t try to steal my man. Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

“Sweetie,” said the parent, “we’ll come back for a book tomorrow. It looks like someone here is having a red-light moment[3] and needs time to cool down.”

As they retreated, I ran forward and retrieved Karl. I cradled that battered paperback, and I knew: This book was my property, and no one, I mean no one, was going to take it from me again.

I shared this story with the NLG Board. And it turns out, once one person tells their story, others are willing to come forward and say: Stuff is important to me. No one should be allowed to interfere with my stuff.

So I’d like to raise awareness about a critical problem facing society today. Society includes lawyers, and every day, lawyers are forced to do things like pay taxes and allow postal delivery people onto their property. Sometimes, lawyers’ partners use their FAVORITE T-SHIRTS as pajamas and then those shirts SOMEHOW end up in the partner’s dresser, instead of the lawyer’s dresser, and then SOMEHOW they end up covered in mustard stains.

I know this pivot may come as a surprise to some of our members, who joined NLG in order to do things like prevent unjust policing, safeguard activists, and support immigrant communities. And I’m not saying that we’ll stop doing those things.

But it’s time to take a stand for lawyers everywhere. I’m calling on our legal observer teams to observe carefully: When you see a lawyer’s rights being violated, speak out.

Requests for comment from the NLG Board have been met with responses such as “Get off my lawn” and “Your email is trespassing in my inbox. You have been notified.”

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amb6ag@virginia.edu

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[1] The actual NLG president seems like a very admirable person who would never keep a copy of the Communist Manifesto in the bathroom.

[2] Yes, I know that Friedrich E. was also involved in writing that whole deal, but he’s not a celeb with star power like Karl.

[3] This refers to a system of red-yellow-green categorization system that can help small children describe their emotional states before they develop a nuanced vocabulary sufficient to describe the mens rea attached to the crime of “disorderly conduct with intent to tantrum.” (Law students seem to operate in a perpetual red.)

Announcing: Zoom Prime and Its Upgraded Features

Jacob Smith ‘23
Professor Liaison Editor

Last Wednesday, Zoom announced a boatload of thrilling new features. The features are available as part of Zoom Prime, a service available for $3.99 a month or $49.99 a year. Zoom was planning to offer a limited number of free student licenses on a first-come, first-served basis, but, after consultation with the Virginia Department of Health, it clarified that individuals should not travel to Zoom.us without an official appointment or invitation. Instead, they should fill out a 190-question survey available on the Department of Health’s website so free licenses can be reserved for those at higher risk of Zoom fatigue. Still, even if you do not qualify for a free license, Zoom Prime is well worth the price given its cutting-edge features.

Custom Muting

            Finally giving into pressure from thousands of students, Zoom Premium will now allow users to mute any other call participant. Students can simply right-click on the participant’s tile and select “mute.” Another option is “mute video,” which blacks out the participant’s video for you, just as if they didn’t have their camera on.

            So far, custom audio and video muting has been by far the most popular new feature. “I honestly couldn’t be happier,” Will Parry ’22 said. “I mean, every now and then my Zoom will just go quiet, and then I’ll sit back and check Instagram. I know it’s a gunner, and I know their question would do absolutely nothing to help me learn, so I just don’t want to hear it, you know?” Another student said it was a great relief not having to see her ex during class.

Filters and Clips

            Basic Zoom allows users to apply filters to their own video, just like other social media platforms. This myopic approach ignored several unique features common to most Zoom calls—soul-crushing boredom, the need to seem “professional,” and unprecedented access to live video footage of dozens of one’s closest friends and enemies. Only the shameless or clueless show up in a cat filter, but privately tormenting the video feeds of other participants is much more fun.

            Zoom Prime fixes this. Participants can now apply hundreds of filters to other participants’ videos. Students can amuse themselves by depicting others as vegetables or felines. New-every-week “mystery filters” will analyze another user’s facial expressions and background to provide even more entertainment. What kind of bagel is that crusty professor? What Hogwarts house does your Zoom crush belong to? No need to spend ten minutes filling out a BuzzFeed quiz. Zoom Prime will provide just as much accuracy based on five seconds of their webcam feed—even if it’s turned off.

            Even better, Zoom has taken a page out of Twitch’s book and now allows students to share Zoom clips of another participant’s filtered video to social media. Want to show the world what your professor looks like as a potato? Now you can. Did a student say something vaguely controversial? Post it to Reddit and let the Internet decide.

Pictured: This could be you, now with Zoom Prime! Photo Courtesy of NBC.com.

Custom Music

            Brave Zoomers have long known that a good smooth jazz playlist is what you need to spice up Property and that string quartet sonatas can work wonders for Federal Courts. Zoom has finally picked up on this trend. Zoom Prime now comes with a Spotify plugin that allows students to select music to accompany an online class. The plugin even comes with an experimental matching algorithm that will select custom songs based on a professor’s tempo, tone, and vocabulary. The plugin still seems to need some work, however, as during Constitutional Law classes it just plays “Free Bird” over and over again.

Mosaic Movies

            Photo mosaics arrange many small photos to depict one bigger photo. Now Zoom is bringing this technology to online video conferencing. Just upload a photo, or find one on the Internet, and Zoom Prime will rearrange and style your video tiles to show that picture. Zoom Prime users can even link up video streaming services so they can watch shows or sports mosaic fashion while still catching every expression on their professor’s face. “Some of my colleagues dislike it,” Professor Mary Malone said. “But I get it, students are going to watch Netflix.  At least this way they’re still tuned in to class, so if I really need their attention I can wave my arms.”

What’s Next

            Although Zoom Prime adds a few useful features, Zoom is still working on some more basic issues. For example, Zoom Prime still does not allow users to move videos around when someone has their hand raised or when non-video participants are hidden. Zoom public relations specialist Carlo Boreal explained by email that solving these problems is a difficult task, but he wanted to assure users that Zoom physicists are hard at work at the necessary research into parallel universes, dark matter, and subatomic particles.

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js3hp@virginia.edu

NGSL v. Administration

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Phil Tonseth ‘22
Editor-in-Chief

COVID-19, while in retreat, is still wreaking havoc on UVA Law and the North Ground Softball League (NGSL). For the second consecutive year, the Administration has ordered that NGSL cancel any plans for a national softball tournament, which NGSL hosts to raise over $20,000 for ReadyKids charity.[1] Claiming their hands are tied by University-wide policies, the Administration offered little to no help to NGSL for its philanthropic endeavors. Undeterred by this rejection, NGSL challenged the Administration to a softball scrimmage on Copeley Field, whereby the winner would determine the fate of this year’s tournament.  Solely to shut up NGSL, and buoyed by a desire to finally get a tan, the Administration accepted, and the game was scheduled for March 30th.

On an unrelated note, the Administration concurrently announced the hiring of three new faculty members when the scrimmage time was finalized. Heading these hires is Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod) as Dean of Bombs. Two Associate Deans were also brought in to assist A-Rod, named Bawwy Bonds and Sami Sosa. While it is entirely unclear what these new hires will work on, the Administration was quick to advocate and celebrate their new positions with UVA Law.

Courtesy of Twitter.com

With the game time set, each team had to work on building its most fearsome lineup. Itching to go back to old times, NGSL loaded its team with current 3L players who frequently roam Copeley on Friday afternoons. From a steady hand in Brian Lee Patterson, to a smooth swinging Griffey look-alike in Will Hinton, the men of the NGSL team covered all of the bases. Not to be outdone, and arguably bringing even more skill to the team, the ladies of NGSL included the versatile Katharine Janes, the lightning quick Kat Goebel, and the home run hitter Elizabeth Lapp. On paper, this lineup had the potential to turn the contest against the Administration into a rout.

Not to be outdone, the Administration brought their own A-team. Leading the team, Ruth Payne guaranteed she would bring the pain to the NGSL twerps who thought they would win. Vice Dean Leslie Kendrick was excited to be able to show NGSL first-hand what an intentional infliction of emotional distress looked like. Former Dean Paul Mahoney served as the trusty and reliable manager, maximizing the various talents from across the Administration’s ranks. And yes, Dean A-Rod and his associates Bawwy and Sami also joined.

With lineups set, the game began in a huff. Dean Risa Goluboff, serving as a neutral observer and umpire, was quickly put to the test. With the Administration bringing in the LRW ringer Joe Fore as its pitcher, he worked fast to strike out the NGSL squad in the first inning. Will Hinton would have none of that nonsense though, as he clobbered a moonshot that helped bulldoze the final remaining wall of the Inn at Darden that had yet to be demolished. Not to be deterred, Vice Dean Kendrick made a diving play in the outfield to end the inning, taking away what was sure to be an inside-the-park home run by NGSL’s Kat Goebel.

With the Administrator’s turn to bat, Dean Mahoney integrated the new hires[2] with the seasoned vets. Living up to her reputation, Ruth Payne blasted the first pitch right between Reuben Brooks and Ethan Silverman, giving the Administration a leadoff triple. As you could’ve probably guessed, Bawwy Bonds attempted, but couldn’t out-do NGSL’s Will Hinton’s home run. While Bawwy hit the chain-link fence in the air and thus tied the score, NGSL was still in high spirits that it had kept Big-Biceps-Bawwy from upstaging one of its own.

The game was back and forth over the next five innings, as NGSL fought tooth and nail in order to bring back its beloved tournament. Not wanting to bend to popular student will, the Administration used every trick in the book to put down this movement, aiming to keep their stranglehold on NGSL’s ability to operate a shadow government around the school. Going into the final inning, NGSL was winning 20-19. With one out left to get, NGSL felt confident when they saw Dean Jason Dugas walk to the plate, believing he would not be able to hit a home run and score both himself and Professor Anne Coughlin from third. Always a step ahead, however, Dean Mahoney played his final card. He inserted himself into the lineup, and, in a move reminiscent of the great Babe Ruth, pointed his bat directly at Darden exclaiming “it’s time all of you NGSL members show some consideration for your elders.”[3] Not believing Dean Mahoney could fully swing a bat in his pristine three-piece suit, a pitch was lobbed in directly down the middle of the plate. The rest is history.

It pains me to say that NGSL will not be hosting its annual tournament this year. On one hand, NGSL is grateful for this abdication of its responsibilities. Following the loss, it no longer had to pretend to care about what they could do for charity, instead, turning its focus back to drinking copious amounts of alcohol in the secret society lair that it keeps. Conversely, having to listen to everyone now validly state that NGSL is a bunch of washed-up athletes stung a little bit. Guess it’s time for both teams to hit the bottle, hoping next year will be better.

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

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[1] Is it also a cover to drink incessantly at a school function? Very much so.

[2] Which, coincidentally, were very strong and good at softball. Strange timing for the hires for sure.

[3] Yes, it was a bad dad-joke about contracts.

Wilson Miller '21 to Clerk for Judge Judy

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Wilson Miller ‘21
Guest Editor

Wilson Miller ’21, a student at the University of Virginia School of Law, will clerk for New York TV Judge Judith Sheindlin during a revival 26th season. Known to many as “Judge Judy,” Sheindlin entered senior status at the end of her hit TV show’s 25th season in 2020.

The Law School is fourth after Yale, Harvard, and Stanford in the number of graduates clerking for the U.S. Supreme Court[1] since 2005. And, with Miller’s placement, it is now first among top law schools in the number of graduates who will have clerked for Judge Judy.

“I am so lucky to be working for a woman who is an icon in our profession. ‘The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final.’ And I am looking forward to being a part of that.”

Miller credits his wonderful professors for this opportunity. When reached for comment, one said “[w]e have no idea how this happened, but at least he has a job.” Another said “[w]hat does a clerk for Judge Judy even do, exactly?”

Miller also credits April Fools Day for his success in this endeavor.

Pictured: UVA Law's soon to be MVA (Most Valuable Alumni).`

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[1] https://www.law.virginia.edu/news/news-about-supreme-court-clerks

GroupMe Becomes the Most Useful and Beneficial Debate Forum: Users Thrilled by Lighthearted Comments Bringing Scorched Earth Commentary

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Jack Brown ‘23
Staff Editor

We have lost a lot due to COVID. Snow days, mask-less hospital visits, and the belief that at our core human beings are rational animals are all permanent victims of the pandemic. Luckily, the passionate, pointless debate that the legal education system was built on has thrived in spite of the pandemic and will be here for generations to come.

While mandatory Canvas message boards and the ever growing UVA Law Reddit page have played a role in keeping debate between young ideologues alive, GroupMe is the main vehicle preserving this practice in the face of rapid societal change. Every post in any section, organization, or class chat brings with it the potential to spark a deluge of impassioned theses about the evils of an event or group of students.

In the pre-plague world, such debates would often be confined to disorganized Bar Review arguments or the occasional moment of Con Law uncongeniality. Whatever lighthearted roasts people might make about a ridiculous take would be made in whispers with their friends or as knowing side glances to the person sitting next to them. Even in the rare moments when someone would call someone else out, it would either be in front of a professor they wouldn’t want to disappoint or in a packed venue where the witty retort would get drowned out by the K-JDs belting out the lyrics of whatever song the bar was playing.

While it was good for its time, the community wanted more. They wanted arguments to be able to explode at any time and be unconstrained by social norms. And they wanted a captive audience for their disagreements. And they wanted the most extreme voices to have a platform to express their displeasure.  And thanks to the pandemic, they got GroupMe.

Obviously, group chats of all shapes and sizes existed before COVID flipped everything upside down. But never before had they been so indispensable to the social dynamic. Combined with the increasingly polarized political climate, the stage was set for the ultimate debate forum. One that was poised to leap into action any time a FedSoc section rep had the terrifying task of plugging their next speaking event.

America was built on this kind of discourse: the debates between Anti-Federalists and Federalists during the ratification of the American Constitution were conducted in a similar forum, as the different speakers sent in their passionate essays to newspapers to help the general public understand each side's merits. Great thinkers were able to freely articulate their positions in print and know that their arguments would be seen by a wider impressionable audience.

The modern day American Constitution Society  vs. FedSoc debates have many similarities to rhetorical battles that took place in the newspapers of early America. There are incredible thinkers on both sides, there is a wide audience waiting to have their viewpoints changed by a paragraph furiously typed out on an iPhone, and both groups take their time to respect and thoughtfully respond to the concerns of the other position.

And of course, there are many improvements to the traditional form of debate. For one thing, everyone can throw their opinion into the ring now. While historically, debates of this caliber have only been between a handful of respectful opponents, in GroupMe brawls you can have hundreds of voices clambering over one another to make the definitive point on whatever issue the majority of people in there are hopelessly undecided on.

On top of this freedom to participate, you have the greatest feature of any social media service: the ability to “like” certain posts. Now, instead of arguing for some policy outcome, participants in a debate can live off the sweet dopamine release that comes from the notification that someone “liked” what they said. This gives them the incentive to craft the best kind of arguments: short, succinct ones that strongly speak to people’s emotions.

We saw all of these wonderful aspects of GroupMe debates come to a head in the recent 2L discussion about a Federalist Society speaker. For weeks, the halls of the Law School echoed with students buzzing about the eye-opening discussion they had the privilege of witnessing. No doubt that the screenshots of this momentous event will be shared for years to come, and that all the students who spent so much effort on their messages came away from the experience intellectually fulfilled.

While many things will change as we turn the page on the COVID pandemic, the people have spoken and will make sure to keep this perfect platform for debate alive and well far into the future. For whenever there is an opportunity for a pointless argument, you know law students will be there to blow it up to unreasonable heights.

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jwb4bb@virginia.edu

Report: 1L Camaraderie at All Time High

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Jack Brown ‘23
Staff Editor

The annual student satisfaction survey has confirmed that the sense of camaraderie amongst the class of 2023 is higher than any other class in the history of UVA Law. This is welcome—but not unexpected—news to the administration, who believed that a lack of contact between new students would help foster a level of community never before seen at UVA Law.

“It's so awesome having everyone at a distance, it helps keep up the façade that we’re a collection of well-adjusted people who are here to do good in the world” said a girl who might be in section B or H. “Only knowing people as Zoom squares, or as a masked person who sits across the auditorium from you, prevents you from finding out how toxic their personalities really are!”

While the local Charlottesville bar scene does miss the incredible profit margins produced by sheltered law students eager to prove they could hang with the K-JDs they brought with them to bar review, the death of the practice has only helped this class grow closer. In particular, not having FedSoc true believers and future Big Law Bernie Bros mingle in the lead up to the 2020 election helped keep the 1L discord at a low level.

Professors have also reported enjoying the distance they have between their students. One hundred percent of respondents to the professor survey chose “being able to claim they didn’t see the gunner’s hand raised” as their favorite function of Zoom. Combined with an ability to feign technical difficulties when they forgot to prepare a PowerPoint for class and the ability to tell which students seem “mad chill” based on what their rooms look like, has led many professors to push for a permanent switch to distanced learning.

This socially distanced era has also elevated another remarkable tool for community building that has helped this class become so close. r/UVALaw previously had been a little-used tool mostly for 0Ls too timid to send an email to the Admissions Office. However, thanks to the complete collapse of the PA program, most 1Ls have to use this site to get basic information about surviving law school.

The complete lack of accountability on Reddit has led to an unparalleled sharing of ideas. Questions about being “too hot for OGI” and calls to “appreciate gunners for the work they put in to making class great” that normally wouldn’t have been expressed have helped show 1Ls that they are not alone in their concerns. Every day there is some new scandal that has helped keep members of the class of 2023 from alienating themselves from their section mates by complaining about their A- average or bragging about the managing partners their parents golf with.

Of course, despite the best efforts of the administration, there has been some in-person interaction between the new class. Luckily, these have also helped foster trust between the disobedient students who have had the audacity to meet together. The threat of disbarment if one of the seven people you’re eating with decides to snitch, along with the lack of FOMO-inducing posts of everyone in your section except you at a vineyard, has helped curb the community-destroying effects of in person gatherings.

Not all is sunshine and rainbows within the 1L class unfortunately. Students who identified themselves as members of the Federalist Society report normal levels of dissatisfaction with their classmates. The shift to virtual classes has not allowed them to escape the typical bullying they endure from what one student described as the “virtue signaling left.”

One student reported a lack of congeniality from his section after making a post celebrating his acceptance of an unpaid internship in the ICE deportation office. Many other FedSoc members confirmed that the added hurdle of being virtual has not stopped the NLG shame squad from doing everything in their power to dunk on FedSoc members every chance they get.

Members of the Federalist Society also have the added burden of seeing their ideological peers at the same rate as normal years. Thanks to their importance in keeping UVA’s U.S. News ranking so high, they have been able to continue to have in-person events throughout the pandemic, while all other organizations that contribute nothing to the school’s ranking have been blessedly banned from seeing one another.

Despite this small blemish, on the whole, the Zoom School of Law experiment has been a massive success. The administration’s next challenge is to figure out how to keep the distancing into the fall semester, as the number of vaccinated Americans grows. Beyond praying for a vaccine resilient strain to emerge or for COVID-21 to show up, the administration has not given any indication on how they can keep next year’s class as distanced as possible.

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jwb4bb@virginia.edu

Pfizer Reveals Vaccine is "Just Water.” Stands Behind Effectiveness, Claims People were Just Dehydrated

Sam Pickett ‘21
Washed-up Reporter

It turns out all those Instagram influencers were right—almost all of our problems can be solved simply by drinking water.[1] In a shocking turn of events, our former News Editor (current Managing Editor) Stan Birch ’22 discovered this week that Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine is actually just bottled water.[2] Birch made this discovery when he and two Pfizer employees walked into a bar. The Pfizer employee asked for some H2O and, just as Birch was about to order some H2O2,[3] he overheard the other employee laugh and say “just like our vaccine.” Intrigued and ever-aware of news happening around him, Birch asked the employee to explain herself. She said that everyone in the world simply needs to drink more water and that COVID-19 isn’t a virus—it’s dehydration.

            Birch’s discovery comes in the wake of the Great Danville Migration, whereby most of the University of Virginia student population drove 2.5 hours away to Danville, Virginia, in order to take advantage of the town’s vast surplusage of vaccines because the Commonwealth of Virginia has demonstrated itself to be incompetent in vaccine distribution. The students were rumored to have received the Moderna vaccine, which begs the question—what is Moderna doing to solve dehydration? Students speculate that it’s actually Gatorade, claiming to feel a bit “electrolyte-y” and “shocked” by the whole experience.[4]

            When the Law Weekly reached out to Pfizer for comment, it confirmed Birch’s discovery. “People kept complaining about a lack of taste and smell,” the executive said, “but they really had just drank so much coffee that their bodies forgot what anything else tasted like…their systems just needed a bit of a refresh.” When asked about the controversy this may cause, however, Pfizer stood by its effectiveness. It pointed to the statistics proving the vaccine's efficacy and claimed that the proof was not in the pudding, but instead, in the water.

            With the Pfizer revelations and Moderna suspicions, one is left wondering: what on earth is in that Johnson & Johnson vaccine?! I posed this question to the Pfizer executive, who shuddered and speculated, “Pedialyte?” I guess we’ll never know.

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shp8dz@virginia.edu

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[1] The jury is still out on those Flat Tummy Teas. I’m not ready to trust those.

[2] Fiji water specifically. That rich stuff.

[3] I had to work this joke in somewhere.

[4] Just know that I also see what I am doing and that I, too, wish it to stop.

Law School Announces New Duel Degree Program

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Leah Deskins ‘21
Professor Liaison Editor

Earlier this week, the Law School announced the creation of its new Duel Degree Program. The program, open by application to incoming students, 1Ls, and current 2Ls, allows students to supplement their legal studies with an education in “self-help” for when the legal system inevitably fails them, their clients, and ultimately society as a whole. Students may concentrate their dueling studies on one of two weapons: sabre or pistol.

“In a very progressive move for the era, the 1971 Virginia Constitution, written in part by our very own A.E. Dick Howard, removed Virginia’s constitutional ban on dueling. At first, no one thought anything of it, but in recent years, we’ve seen an uptick in the need for our graduates to be competent not only in traditional core skills of legal practice such as oral advocacy and legal research and writing, but also vigilante justice and honor defense. “With generous financial support from Edward and Barbara Marsh (’74 and ’76, respectively), we were able to establish the Duel Degree Program to meet this critical need,” said the Law School administration in its press release about the program.

Photo Courtesy of megasportsnews.com

The Office of Private Practice and the Public Service Center both applauded the Duel Degree Program and touted its ability to help UVA Law students succeed as lawyers after graduation.In a recent statement from both offices, career counselors reiterated that “[y]ou never know when you’ll need to defend your honor as a lawyer. Perhaps you’ll have an otherwise-unresolvable discovery dispute in the middle of high-stakes commercial litigation. Maybe a prosecutor will insult your ability as a low-paid public defender to effectively advocate for your client. Maybe you’ll need a special tiebreaker ‘round’ after an intense, inter-firm summer softball game. Your dueling education may prove crucial to the advancement of your legal career.”

Many students have expressed excitement about the launch of the Duel Degree Program.  Phil Tonseth ’22 remarked that he can’t wait to augment his legal education with such highly practical skills. He added, “I’m really glad UVA Law is putting together this fantastic program. I was also particularly happy to find out that participation in the Duel Degree Program will provide the six professional skills credits necessary for completion of the Law School’s J.D. degree requirements.” Stan Birch  ’22 pointed out another benefit of the program: “For those students who decide that they actually prefer pass/fail classes to the curve, the Duel Degree Program is a great way to avoid actually getting grades for the remainder of your law school career. Its finals are necessarily pass/fail.” And Kolleen Gladden ’21 noted that the program has the potential to make a real impact in the law’s quest for justice: “I grew up near the Ozark Mountains in Joplin, Missouri, so I have a lot of experience with things, well, not going according to plan. Did you know that Bonnie and Clyde killed two police officers in Joplin in 1933? I’m planning on going back home for my legal career after graduation, and I know my participation in the Duel Degree Program will serve me well.”

But the program’s launch is not without controversy. Michael Berdan ’22 discussed both pros and cons in his review: “The Duel Degree Program will be absolutely vital to my legal studies at the Law School. Just imagine if Alexander Hamilton had received such an incredible education in dueling. He would’ve known not to throw away his shot in his infamous duel against Aaron Burr. But, I can’t help but worry that elitism will play a role in how potential employers view students’ decisions to enroll in the program. Will I be looked down upon if I choose the pistol rather than the sabre concentration?”  Sam Pickett ’21 echoed Michael’s worries, “Are students from wealthy families more likely to be able to succeed in the program than students from middle-class and blue-collar backgrounds? They had fencing lessons starting in middle school, and they’ve been hunting on their families’ vast land holdings clad in Barbour coats and riding boots since they could first pull a trigger.” 

Doug Graebner ’21 explained that the Law School administration has a role to play here: “We’d like the administration to ensure that applicants accepted to the program display just as much diversity as the Law School as a whole. Frankly, that’s a pretty low bar. But nonetheless, we haven’t heard anything from them on this issue yet, and we need an answer.” Hopefully, these potential issues will be resolved as part of the program’s implementation. In the meantime, Common Law Grounds has scheduled a lunch discussion on the topic of classism in dueling for next week.

The Duel Degree Program’s application system is up and running, and it will be accepting applications until May 1. The Rod and Gun Club has offered to provide interested students with an advisor to assist them as they complete the application and will be hosting panels about dueling in the coming weeks.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

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lcd4ew@virginia.edu 

Zoom Law School for Kids Who Can't Dress Good

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Stan Birch ‘22
News Editor

What is this, an online school for ants? No, but the fashion is IN the computer. Everyone except the professor and that one gunner who keeps talking is so small. I can’t see the outfits.

Pictured: You, on Zoom. Do Gooder. Photo Courtesy of facebook.com.

In a year that Elle and GQ predicted would be filled with colorful leather, modern farmhouse-style, sprawling banquets, requisite throwbacks, and lots of short-shorts, a two-month period has completely turned all of that on its unwashed head. Instead, “fashion” has been reduced to a 1-by-2 inch, poorly lit rectangle. So let’s unpack how, in this restricting and minimizing world, you can remain the fashionista that your finstagram makes you out to be.

Staging

As much as everyone in your class loves to see the bottom of your chin like a child in a room full of adults, let’s get that camera set up a little higher. Look at a YouTube vlog by any guy in his mid-twenties who is into technology or some kind of “sport”, and you’ll see the same thing: HIGH. ANGLES. ARE. YOUR. FRIEND. Next—and please do not overlook this—tidy up! Trash all over the place is not a good look; don’t leave your bed unmade if it’s in the frame, and if your back is not to a wall, lock any doors that can open behind you. (Your mom coming to clean your room behind you stopped being fashionable the first time you messed up laundry in college.)

Clothing

Summer 2020: Swimsuits are out, sweatsuits are in. Being warm is the most important thing when your parents keep the house at 67 degrees. And because nobody will see your tan unless you’re one of those students who has a 4K camera. (The Law Weekly sees you and has many, many personal questions.) If your classes are a few days apart, consider rotating hoodies based on the class schedule. That way nobody notices that the same stain has been on your shirt for multiple days.[1] If you’ve ever been curious to find out if you can pull off streetwear, cut-offs, floral, Tommy Bahama, or a fedora, now may seem like the easiest time to give them a shot. IT IS NOT! In the “before times,” it was socially unacceptable to laugh at someone’s face and take a picture of them. Now, the microphones are all muted and screenshots exist. Experiment with caution.

Hair

Lax-bro flow will make a comeback in the Fall of 2020, because who the hell can cut their own hair? 

Accessories

Pets. Those are the only acceptable accessories. Holding your “daytime clutch” in the shot will make you look like every makeup blogger talking about how much they “hate this old thing I’ve had forever” that just happened to come out two days before the video. If you try and make the digital background of your Zoom call a statement, that statement reads: Never unmute my microphone.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

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sfb9yu@virginia.edu

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[1] ...weeks...

3L Returns to Law School for First Time All Year; Wonders Where Everyone Went

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M. Eleanor Schmalzl ‘20
Editor Emeritus

It was a beautiful day in the land of Charlottesville, Virginia. Spring had sprung, the sun and the warm weather were finally out to play, and North Grounds was quiet, seemingly even peaceful. Larry Lopar ’20, a 3L who gunned his way through 1L, narrowly missed the Law Review grade cutoff, and has never quite been the same since, decided today was his day: It was time for his first visit to the Law School during his 3L year. 

Larry is your typical 3L—a hyper-gunner during his 1L year who had his hopes and dreams crushed[1] before his decline in 2L and 3L. By 2L he still managed to come to class at least twice a week, but by 3L he couldn’t be bothered. He’d started dating an undergrad and let his law school friendships fall by the wayside, but told himself he was just “too mature for law school.” But after a long fall semester cooped up in his Ivy Gardens apartment, this was his moment. He was going to return to the WB Halls, grab some food from his favorite table, and watch The Lion King in the back row of Kordana’s Corporations class in true 3L style. 

Larry walked down Massie Road to the Law School, feeling good that he was going to be on time for his 10 a.m. class (assuming he could find the room). “Hmm,” he thought as he walked down the empty path past the North Grounds Rec Center, wondering where all the vibrant, slightly-irritatingly high-energy 1Ls were. “Must have gotten to class really early… gunners,” he chuckled. He made his way to the front entrance, pulled on the large doors that adorn the front of the Law School, only to find them shut fast. “F*ck, we’re still on lockdown after this Nazi sh*t? It’s 10:00 a.m. on a Tuesday!” After ten minutes of emptying every remnant of dust and random paper from his backpack leftover from his gunner days, Larry found his student ID card that he hadn’t used since 1L and meandered to the side door to get in. “What is this? Where do I swipe my card?” he grumbled, before realizing the school had updated the key card system and he had to tap his card to get in. “Stupid millennials,” 27-year-old Larry cursed under his breath.

Finally in the door, he walked the empty halls to WB 152. After seeing an empty corporations classroom merely thirty seconds before class was supposed to start, he sat down and wondered what was going on. “Oh, maybe there will be something informative in my UVA email!” he thought, realizing he hadn’t checked it since the fall of 2L. “Nah,” he muttered to himself, “nothing informative ever comes in a UVA email.” He cringed as he realized what he had to do next—go to the library to see if he could find someone to help.

He approached the door only to see a glaring stop sign on the glass telling him the library was closed indefinitely “Okay guys, very funny,” Larry called out, peeking through the library windows to see if anyone was crouching behind the bust of John B. Minor.  Wondering if he was part of an elaborate practical joke—probably for some stupid Libel sketch or something—Larry resigned himself to checking his UVA email. After another fifteen minutes trying to figure out the Duo double-encryption security system that he had never seen before, and again cursing the millennials for “change,” he finally got to his email. Only reading the subject lines of the emails,[2] Larry gathered that he was right; school was canceled for the semester. “What the f*ck is ‘COVID-19’? Graduation is canceled too? Sh*t, does this mean the softball tournament’s off??”

Pictured: Distraught Larry Lopar ‘20, calling Jeremy Frond ‘20 over library closure. Photo Courtesy of Eleanor Schmalzl ‘20.

Truly worried now, Larry did what any reasonable 3L would and hurried to the only place that’d given him any real comfort since his dreams crashed and burned—the Biltmore. Seeing that this, too, was closed, Larry dipped into a reservoir of support he’d long neglected: his sectionmates. He called his buddy Jeremy Frond ’20 and asked what was going on, but Jeremy only laughed, “Bro, this is what you get for quitting the section softball team and bailing on Barrister’s!” Frantic, Larry hung up and resorted to calling his sweet section-mate Sally Mae ’20, the section mom who’d organized all the 1L mixers and brought orange slices to every softball game. Sally Mae didn’t pick up, but her voice mailbox read out in sorrow, “Hi, my name is Sally Mae and I can’t come to the phone right now. COVID-19 has ruined my life and everything I ever cared about, so don’t bother leaving a message unless you can explain why bad things happen to good people.”

“This is pointless, and what’s with this COVID-19 crap?” Larry thought, exasperated. “This is what I get for trying. Good thing I won’t have to bother with this ‘effort’ thing again until I start studying for the July New York bar exam. Hey, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll get a jump on bar study. That’ll show these pretentious assholes who really ‘phoned in’ law school!” At press time, Larry was reportedly eagerly digging into his Barbri “pre-bar baseline” materials, giddy at his head start on his classmates.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

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mes5hf@virginia.edu

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[1] Because attending a T-10 known as the Disney World of law schools and not making Law Leview is the worst thing that can ever happen to you, as is well known.

[2] Larry retained some core part of himself that was a UVA student.

ESPN “The Ocho” to Broadcast NGSL Fall Season

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Phil Tonseth ‘22
Production Editor

After landmark negotiations, ESPN’s “The Ocho” and UVA Law’s North Grounds Softball League (NGSL) have agreed to terms to broadcast the upcoming fall softball season to a national audience. While contract terms have yet to be announced, sources believe ESPN has agreed to provide a keg per game and fruit snacks after, in a backhanded effort to ensure the possibility of “dizzy bat” occurring on air. Critics were quick to bash this deal claiming that “NGSL is a non-profit, why should they benefit off of the indentured servitude of law students who play for their enjoyment?” In a terse and pithy response, both organizations issued a combined statement that “the complaining non-athletes are able to either transfer to a lesser law school that’s neither as fun nor sporty or call up their parents to yell at them for not enrolling them in tee-ball when they were young sports.”

“It’s a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see how it works for UVA Law.” Photo Courtesy of espnpressroom.com.

NGSL, a 501(c)(3) non-profit, is working to shed the degenerate persona that the Law School has aptly applied to it. Each year, the UVA Law Softball Invitational donates over $20,000 to a local charity, ReadyKids. This amount is rivaled only by the amount of beer cans collected after the aforementioned tournament, but who’s really counting? In a true show of community and care for those around them, NGSL consistently ensures that they recycle all of these cans and further donate the paltry proceeds to the Public Interest Law Association (PILA). The partnership with ESPN is another way for NGSL to work to give back to the Charlottesville community, as local organizations are lining up to advertise. Although over 75 percent of these advertisements will concern alcohol, fried food, or male enhancement products, eerily resembling our beloved Nascar,[1] NGSL is excited these sponsors will be donating additional funds both to ReadyKids and PILA, which NGSL plans to take all of the credit for.

Pictured: Proof that NGSL actually has some use around UVA Law. Photo Courtesy of law.virginia.edu.

The timing of this deal could not be more perfect for the sports world. With the ‘Rona destroying everything we knew and love,[2] NGSL and The Ocho are a perfect marriage to excite the average household over a sport most washed-up dads still think they can play. However, there is a sense of dissension amongst those who frequent Copeley Field. Players on Men’s Gold, the premier tournament team for UVA Law, had opinions ranging from “I have mixed feelings. Ocho coverage brings new faces to the game, but maybe the association with cornhole and chess boxing is not great for branding? Probably not going on my clerkship resume,” to “Macey Colbert, ’19 and former NSGL Commissioner, would never have let this happen.” In a terse, yet valid, rebuttal, current NGSL Commissioner and Captain of the Co-Rec Blue tournament team, Eleanor Schmalzl ’20 replied, “If Macey Colbert is the gold standard, Men's Gold has even bigger problems than the fact that Co-Rec Blue beat you in regular season.” A petition has been circulated to allow current 3Ls to return to UVA Law for the fall semester so that the above war of words can be hashed out on Copeley for a national audience.

In lieu of the upcoming season, NGSL and the Ocho have provided recommendations for those teams that will be competing. First, use the time off this summer, as that clerkship/summer associate position will be canceled from the ‘Rona, to get a tan. Seriously, nobody wants to see you looking pasty on national television. Next, spend all of the money you aren’t earning over this summer on short shorts and crop tops. The camera definitely adds ten pounds, on top of all of the pounds you’ve gained in quarantine, so you’ll need to do yourself all of the favors you can. Plus, a good breeze to the midsection really provides a boost when you’re losing miserably on national television. Lastly, overly condition your hair. With barbershops and salons shuttered, the Ocho knows it will have an overabundance of luscious locks this fall. Make sure they flow, shine, and dazzle the camera, whether you’re jogging the bases after a homerun, or jogging to the porta-john after too many Naturdays. This partnership is once in a lifetime, don’t miss the chance to shoot your best shot, UVA Law.

Happy April Fools’ Day!

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pjt5hm@virginia.edu

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[1] Raise Hell, Praise Dale.

[2] RIP in peace to Kobe.

Grades to Be Determined Based on Performance in Instagram Challenges for Spring 2020

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Sam Pickett ‘21
Columns Editor

         Following UVA Law’s complete transition to online classes, students were left wondering how they would be evaluated for Spring 2020. Fortunately, on Wednesday, March 25, Dean Goluboff announced that courses would be graded on a C/NC basis. What does that mean exactly? It means that rather than being graded on academic performance, which is usually the case, students will be graded on whether they Can do (C) various viral Instagram challenges, or whether they No Can do them (NC).

         The Dean endorsed a plan proposed by UVA Law’s Curriculum Committee, which recommended the change because “A C/NC system serves the function of assuring baseline competence [with societal norms and physical fitness]” and because “a C/NC system also seems to be better than any of the available alternatives.” It also allows professors to grade students in a way that is most consistent with how they’re likely spending most of their time these days.[1]

         After surveying the internet, the Dean has decided to base students’ grades based on how well they perform in the following challenges:

(1) The Ten Push-up Challenge

         In this challenge, students who are tagged by their friends must perform ten push-ups on their Instagram story and then tag another group of friends to do the challenge. While there may be a global pandemic threatening to destroy the world, UVA Law believes in encouraging active lifestyles by grading you at least in part on physical fitness. How low are you going on your push-ups? How quickly are you performing them? Are you doing something clever while doing them, like eating a bag of chips? Please note that the Dean also stated,“If you do one-handed push-ups, you will be punished for being a show-off and will be docked points for not following directions.”

(2) See a Shot, Take a Shot

         Similar to the push-up challenge, in this challenge, students take a shot of alcohol after being tagged by their friends. UVA Law values nothing if not connecting students to Big Law and showing off how it is not like a regular soul-sucking law school, but a fun, soul-sucking law school. By making students take shots at home and tag their friends, the Law School is testing its students’ professional networking skills and ability to fit in with UVA Law’s culture. No one wants to be the associate who “can’t hang” when the partner starts ordering rounds of tequila shots at the firm-hosted happy hour.

(3) Fill-in Templates

         In this challenge, students receive a blank template that they fill in with some of their favorite things, like favorite TV shows, favorite color, favorite clothing item, etc. This is a way for UVA Law to judge your personality and to see how basic you are. Are your preferences the same as everyone else between the ages of 22-25? If so, you may struggle on this test! Good news, this is also the perfect time to develop some new interests and hobbies. Start working through some Netflix shows so you have a quirky, memorable answer the next time you’re tagged.

(4) Drawing a Carrot (or other random vegetable)

         In this challenge, students must attempt to draw a carrot on their Instagram stories after being tagged by their friends. This is a way for UVA Law to test your creativity—instead of coming up with clever solutions to fact patterns, can you somehow navigate Instagram’s features in order to draw a carrot with your finger? Can you make the carrot do something funny, like wear sunglasses or a hat? Fun additions like these are certain to earn you extra points and help you to stand out from the thousands of carrot drawings the school will have to look at.

Pictured: Of all vegetables, why a carrot? Photo Courtesy of Maria Luevano ‘21.

         So while some students saw the change to C/NC as an excuse to relax and do less work, they have failed to realize the work this requires. These challenges are also useful for grading students on their “social capital”—do people care enough about you to challenge you to do some horrendous physical exercise or draw a carrot using your finger? Looks like all of you who were holding out on social media[2] “because you don’t need that distraction” or because you “don’t need validation from others” or because you “value human connections instead of internet ones” are out of luck. Best get posting.

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shp8dz@virginia.edu

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[1] See the 2019-2020 Curriculum Committee’s Memorandum, attached to Dean Goluboff’s email to the student body titled “Grading Policy.”

 [2] Marc Petrine ’21.

Law Students Celebrate Incoming Recession

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Michael Berdan ‘22
Staff Editor

Not since 2008 has there been a buzz like this among the student body of UVA Law. As the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets, spirits rise, particularly among the classes of 2021 and 2022, who are expected to graduate into the heart of an economic recession that is currently in its nascent stages.

Pictured: The stock market continues to descend, dragging boring, traditional job prospects down with it.

“It’s just thrilling,” says Kevin Shawsheq ’22, reached by Zoom in his Charlottesville apartment, where he has spent the past three weeks eating chicken nuggets and playing League of Legends. “I feel like the future is bright, and I’m really starting to find my niche.” Shawsheq is considering starting an E-Sports club at the Law School, hoping to enter tournaments to supplement his income after graduation. With large firms looking to consolidate their workforce, Shawsheq and many of his peers who had planned on doing corporate work are already brainstorming ideas for entrepreneurship. Shawsheq has started trying to get a feel for what it’s like to graduate during a recession. “I talked to an alum who graduated in 2008. When his BigLaw offer was pulled, he didn’t have all the options that are available now. E-Sports were barely getting off the ground, and there was no YouTube, no podcasting, no Taskrabbit. He got by, but we are set up to really thrive in this new economy.”

Some 1L’s are taking the opportunity of a recession to course-correct within the law into so-called “recession-proof” fields. “I came in wanting to be one of those do-gooders everyone talks about,” says Meaghan Jones ’22. “But after the experience of one long semester and seeing all the sweet swag in the Career Services office, I had turned to capital markets work. I had an in-house job lined up at the legal department of Goldman Sachs. But now, with those markets collapsing faster than a 3L’s GPA, I’m planning to go back to public defense. I feel much better about it. I feel, like, this warmth coming back into my heart. It’s really lovely.”

The Law School, ever forward-looking, has recently approved a proposal for a new Underemployment Law Clinic to give students practical experience in the fields they’re likely to enter after graduation. The clinic will connect students with local practitioners specializing in bankruptcy, divorce, fraud, and foreclosure work. “Our administration always looks out for us,” says Thomas Samuel ’20. “I only wish I was going to be around to participate in the clinic. Although, now that I think about it, I’ll probably end up being a client!” In fact, part of the clinic’s proposal was to cull potential clients from the alumni a few years down the road.

“While UVA alumni are equipped to succeed, some will inevitably struggle,” says Chad Lebnun ’10. “We want them to have the best possible representation when they do.” Lebnun is returning to Charlottesville to co-direct the clinic after 9 years in Albuquerque as an apprentice at the offices of Saul Goodman, Esq. Lebnun brings a wealth of experience in a wide variety of practices, and is excited to give back to the UVA Law community. He eagerly tells the graduating class of 2020, “If you have trouble in the future, you’d better call… us!”

While this new chapter in UVA Law history brings many thrilling developments and opportunities, not all students are optimistic about the changes. Some students are disappointed that there are so many more options available now, instead of just BigLaw. “I just don’t know what to think,” laments Britney Stiles ’21 “Before, I knew where I was headed. An immorally large salary, soul-deadening corporate work, seventy to a hundred hours a week, loneliness, depression, meaningless drudgery–the American Dream! It was all lined up! But now? Where do I go from here? There are so many options, like, Career Services doesn’t even have a pathway PDF for this situation yet.[1] It’s the Wild West.”

Holly Loman ‘22 and Chris Penne ‘22 were planning on moving in together after this year, but they aren’t so sure, given the economic crisis. “Financial stress can be really hard on a new relationship,” worries Penne. “It seems like such a… gamble to take this step when the world is so uncertain. I’m really risk-averse, so I might have my mom move in with me instead.” Loman is considering going back to her home state of Louisiana: “Online classes have been great, so maybe I’ll telecommute. Do law school online, keep up with my relationship with Chris online, Zoom chats with friends… I’ll never have to leave the bayou again!”

North Grounds remain empty, but the Law ‘Hoos are clearly full of ideas and optimism, ready to handle whatever the recession brings.

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mwb4pk@virginia.edu

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[1] Note: I checked into this, and Ms. Stiles is right. The Office of Private Practice has replaced all their career pathway documents with links to the Financial Services website and Indeed.com.

QUIZ: We'll Tell You How Many Kids You'll Have Based on Your Quarantine Habits

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How many kids will you have based on your quarantine behavior? Take this quiz and find out!

What is your stance on social distancing?

(a) The worst part of life has always been other people and now I can live my truth.

(b)  I liked it at first, but now I’ve scrubbed my floors twenty times, my cat is ignoring me, and no one will return my spontaneous Facetime requests.   

(c)   I have no feelings. I don’t have feelings on anything anymore.

(d)  Coronavirus is fake and so is social distancing. Viva la Biltmore!

How good is your camera and mic setup?

(a)   4k, all the way, baby.

(b)  Whatever comes with my computer.

(c)   I use my phone to call into any conferences I am forced to attend.

(d)  I walk to school and sit in the empty classroom for all my classes. 

How are you passing your time?

(a)   Catching up on all the professor lectures I only listened to once during the semester.

(b)  Netflix and chill from six feet away.

(c)   Tracking the coronavirus death count online. 

(d) Contact football three times a week. 

What is your cooking like these days?

(a) Replicating all meals in Mastering the Art of French Cooking and am now working through Shah Jahan’s cookbook.

(b) It’s healthy to eat the same Mac N’ Cheese  every day as long as there’s protein in there

(c) Everything is in one giant stir-fry—hasn’t hurt me yet!

(d) I scrape the sauce from three Big Macs, mix it with Chick-Fil-A sauce, place it on top of a Popeyes Chicken Sandwich, then make a sacrifice to Moloch before consuming my unholy meal.

Now tally your score! (a)’s are 3 points, (b)’s are 2 points, (c)'s are 1 point, and (d)’s are zero points. 

0-6 points: One or two kids. Congrats! You’ve overcome both entropy and natural selection, passing on your reckless behavior genes to future generations. 

6-11 points: Zero kids. You will never have children, and will die alongside pigeons like Nikola Tesla.

12-18: One kid, but the child will be a disappointment, despite your perfect planning.

19-24: More than three kids. Life is happy, so long as they all stay in the bunker with you. It is no longer safe in the upper world

Happy April Fools’ Day!